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Connecting Is More Skill than Natural Talent
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Connecting is More Skill than Natural Talent
I want to tell you a story that will help you understand how bad I was as a communicator when I started out. I think it’s the kind of thing that can give anyone hope.
While I was in college studying for the ministry, it was common for small churches to invite potential pastors to speak to their congregation. One week before I was to preach my first message of that type, I accompanied a friend named Don so I could hear his first attempt.
Don got up before the congregation and launched in. But after only three minutes, he ran out of gas. He had nothing more to say. After a few moments of stammering, he quickly sat down. Everyone was in shock.
On the drive back to campus, the one thing I kept telling myself was, “My sermon has to be longer than three minutes.” The rest of that week I spent every spare second preparing for my inaugural speech. As I worked, I kept adding points to my outline. By Sunday, I had nine points. I didn’t give a single thought to connecting with my audience. I had only one goal: to last longer than three minutes.
Margaret and I were engaged at that time, and she accompanied me to the little church for this important first step in my career. When I was done with the sermon, I was pleased with myself and felt satisfied. I thought I had done a pretty good job.
On the drive back to town, Margaret was unusually silent. Finally, I asked her, “How did I do this morning?”
“I think you did fine for your first time,” she responded after some hesitation. She didn’t sound very enthusiastic, but I was encouraged nonetheless.
“How long did I speak?”
After a really long pause, she replied, “Fifty-five minutes.”
I was clueless! Can you imagine what the people must have thought as they left the service? I had no idea how long and boring my message had been. And they knew that I didn’t know. But what could they do? Too polite to simply walk out, they were held captive by an inexperienced speaker who had no idea how to communicate. They would have preferred three-minute Don.
Philosopher-poet Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “All great speakers were bad speakers first.” Those words certainly applied to me. I started off bad—really bad. It took me many years of practice to improve my speaking. And I got better only after I learned what all good communicators have in common: they connect.
What Makes People Listen?
If you want to be a better communicator or a better leader, you can’t depend on dumb luck. You must learn to connect with others by making the most of whatever skills and experience you have. When I listen to great communicators, I notice that there are a handful of factors they seem to draw upon that cause people to listen to them. As you read about them, think about which of them you could use to connect with others:
Relationships—Who You Know
Why did millions of people start listening to Dr. Phil McGraw, a psychologist who helped lawyers as a trial consultant, and begin taking his advice on life, love and relationships? For the same reason that millions started listening to Dr. Mehmet Oz about health issues. They knew Oprah Winfrey and appeared on her television show.
Certainly these two men have credentials. McGraw has a PhD in psychology, and Oz is a cardiothoracic surgeon and Columbia University professor. But most people neither know nor care about these facts. As soon as Oprah Winfrey’s followers learned she had confidence in them, they had confidence in them.
One of the quickest ways to gain credibility with an individual, a group, or an audience is to borrow it from someone who already has credibility with them. It’s the basis of celebrity endorsements, sales referrals, and word-of-mouth advertising. Who you know can open the door for you to connect with someone. Of course, once the door is open, you still have to deliver!
Insight—What You Know
Most people want to improve their situation in life. When they find someone who can communicate something of value to them, they will usually listen. If what they learn really helps them, a sense of connection between them can often quickly develop.
One of the figures from American history whom I most admire is Benjamin Franklin. He had a remarkable career and is responsible as one of our Founding Fathers for the success of our nation. Franklin had little formal education—he attended school only two years—yet he was highly respected because of his knowledge and keen insight. A voracious reader and intellectually curious man, he became an expert in a remarkable number of areas: printing and publishing, politics, civic activism, the sciences, and diplomacy. He was an innovative inventor, secured the support of France during the Revolutionary War, founded the first public library in America, served as the first president of the American Philosophical Society, and helped to draft the Declaration of Independence. Walter Isaacson called Franklin “the most accomplished American of his age.” He was highly influential, and the people of his time felt a sense of connection with him when he shared his wisdom.
If you have an area of expertise and generously share it with others, you give people reasons to respect you and develop a sense of connection with you.
Success—What You Have Done
A lot of people ask me how I got my start as a speaker outside of a local church. They want to know what my marketing strategy was and how I was able to break in. The truth is that I didn’t have a plan to become that kind of speaker. People became aware of the success I was having in leading and growing a church, and they began inviting me to speak on the subject. They wanted to hear what I had to say because of what I had done.
America has a success culture. People want to be successful, and they seek out others who have accomplished something to get their advice. If you are successful in anything you do, there will be people who want to listen to you. I think many people assume that if someone can succeed in an area, they possess knowledge that may be valuable to them in their own endeavors. And if the person’s success is in the same area as theirs, the potential for connection is even stronger.
Ability—What You Can Do
Individuals who perform at a high level in their profession often have instant credibility with others. People admire them, they want to be like them, and they feel connected to them. When they speak, others listen—even if the area of their skill has nothing to do with the advice they give.
Think of someone like golfer Tiger Woods. He has been called the world’s most marketable athlete. Fortune estimates that Woods received more than $100 million in endorsement income in 2007.[i] He endorses everything from sports drinks to management consulting. One of the products he has promoted is the Buick Rendezvous. Is Woods an expert on cars? No. But he is one of the best golfers in the world. People like him and listen to him because of what he can do. Excellence connects. If you possess a high level of ability in an area, others may desire to connect with you because of it.
Sacrifice—How You Have Lived
Mother Teresa had the respect and the ear of leaders around the world. People of all faiths seemed to admire her. Why was that? Why did they listen to her—a poor, diminutive schoolteacher who lived in the slums in India? Because of the life of sacrifice she lived.
I think our hearts naturally go out to people who have sacrificed or suffered. Consider the feelings of sympathy and connection that people felt for the firefighters who served in New York City during the 9/11 attacks on the World Trade Center Towers. Notice how much respect is given to the families of servicemen and servicewomen who died while in Iraq and Afghanistan. Think about the weight that is given to the words of civil rights leaders who helped to pave the way for election of Barack Obama, the United States’ first African-American president.
If you have made sacrifices, suffered tragedy, or overcome painful obstacles, many people will relate to you. And if you have been able to remain positive yet humble in the midst of life’s difficulties, others will admire you and be able to connect with you.
These five connection factors are just the beginning. I’m sure you can think of other reasons people connect. The point is that you must take whatever you have, and use it to connect with others. The more factors you have and the better you become at using them, the greater your chance of connecting with people. You must play to your strengths, develop your own style, and cultivate whatever skills you can in order to connect with people.
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Connecting Always Requires Energy
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Connecting Always Requires Energy
When I was working on my bachelor’s degree, I took a speech class. More than forty years later, I can truly say that learning how to speak to an audience has been foundational to my journey through life as well as to my growth as a speaker. It was in that class that I heard what my professor called the “Four Unpardonable Sins of a Communicator”: being unprepared, uncommitted, uninteresting, or uncomfortable.
Do you notice the common denominator for three out of four of those “sins”? It’s energy.
Think about the best communicators you know – public speakers, team leaders, and individuals. Make a mental list, then consider this: how many of them are low-energy people? I’d be willing to bet the answer is none. Even when people come across as fairly low key, they usually possess reserves of energy that are not evident on the surface. Why do I say that? Because connecting with other people doesn’t just happen on its own. If you want to connect with others, you must be intentional about it. And that always requires energy.
It doesn’t matter with whom or within what context you are trying to connect. It’s always the same: you need to bring energy to do it effectively. And to make the most of connecting opportunities, you must channel that energy strategically. There are specific things you can do to help foster connection – everything from taking initiative to knowing your audience to acting selflessly. Learning and practicing these strategies will improve your connection with anyone—with your spouse, at a social gathering, with coworkers or your boss, at a meeting, from a podium, or on stage in a stadium.
If you want to connect with others, but are hoping you can do so without being intentional, forget about it. Connecting always requires energy.
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Connecting Goes Beyond Words
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Connecting Goes Beyond Words
People watch a reality show on television where two equally talented people sing the same song. One of them gives the audience goose bumps; the other one leaves everybody cold. Why is that?
Two professors at a university teach the same class at the same time using the same prescribed syllabus and required textbook. Students stand in line at registration to get into the first teacher’s class, while the other’s class starts below capacity and dwindles to just a few students. Why?
Two managers work together running a restaurant. All twenty employees work regularly for each of them. When the first manager needs extra help and asks people to work late, they do so willingly. When the other manager makes the same appeal the next week, all the employees make excuses for why they can’t stay. What’s the reason for the difference?
Two parents raise a child together in the same household, enforcing the same rules. One parent gets cheerful compliance and the other gets resistance. Why?
Shouldn’t the words of the song evoke the same response in both singers? Shouldn’t the same course be equally appealing to students? Shouldn’t both managers expect to be given the same consideration? Shouldn’t parents in the same household inspire the same reaction?
Intuitively, you probably know that the answer is no.
Why? Because we tend to respond to – in other words, connect with – others based on more than the words that come out of their mouths.
How do we do that? Howard Hendricks says that all communication has three essential components. When we communicate, we must include:
- Thought – Something we know.
- Emotion – Something we feel.
- Action – Something we do.
Communication breaks down if any one of those is missing. But when I include all three, the message itself has conviction, passion, and credibility.
And the result is connection.
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Connecting increases your influence in every situation
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Connecting Increases Your Influence in Every Situation
Maybe there was a time when people could succeed in life without communicating effectively with others. I tend to doubt it, but if so, that time has passed. It’s not enough to just work hard. It’s not enough to do a great job. To be successful, you need to learn how to really communicate with others.
Haven’t you ever gotten frustrated in a presentation because you weren’t able to communicate your ideas as effectively as you wanted to and people just weren’t getting it? Haven’t you ever wanted to help your boss understand how hard you worked and how much value you add to the company so that you could get a well-earned raise or promotion? If you have children, haven’t you wanted to get them to listen to some of your wisdom so that it would help them make good choices? Haven’t you wanted to improve your relationship with a loved one or make a positive impact on your community? If you can’t find a way to do that, you will be unable to reach your potential, you won’t succeed in the way you desire, and you’ll be forever frustrated.
So what’s the secret? Connecting: the ability to identify with people and relate to them in such a way that it increases our influence with them.
The good news is that connecting can be learned. How do I know this? Because I didn’t start out as a good connector at all. I had to become one the hard way – I watched great connectors and did what I could to develop skills like theirs. I made a lot of mistakes along the way, but I kept improving.
If you are facing connecting challenges, as I was early in my life and career, you can overcome them with connecting choices. My goal for this book is to help you develop the communication advantage by learning to connect with every kind of person in any kind of situation.
I believe that almost everything we become and all that we accomplish in life comes as a result of our interaction with others. If you also believe that to be true, then you intuitively know that the ability to connect with others is one of the most important skills a person can learn. It’s something you can begin to improve starting today. This book will help you do it.
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Connectors Connect on Common Ground
Posted by: admin | Comments (91)Chapter 6 Synopsis
Connectors Connect on Common Ground
If I had to pick a first rule of communication—the one practice above all others that opens the door to connection with others—it would be to look for common ground. That rule applies whether you’re resolving conflict with your spouse, teaching a child, negotiating a deal, selling a product, writing a book, leading a meeting, or communicating to an audience.
I’ve already explained how in the first several years of my career as a leader and speaker, my focus was too much on myself. And only when I started to realize that connecting is all about others did I start to improve.
Most people believe that finding common ground with others is a matter of talent: some people are simply good connectors, while others aren’t. While I do agree that not everyone starts out with the same ability to connect, I also believe that anyone can learn to connect because connecting is a choice. It is a mind-set that can be learned. Avoiding certain barriers to connection and choosing to work at finding common ground will greatly increase your odds of connecting with others.
Here’s one strategy for getting started: When I want to really get to know someone, I ask three questions. People’s answers to these give me great insight into their hearts. The questions are:
If you know the answers to those questions, you will be able to find common ground with someone and connect with them.
If there is a more important key to communication than finding common ground, I certainly can’t think of it. Common ground is the place where people can discuss differences, share ideas, find solutions, and start creating something together. Too often people see communication as the process of transmitting massive amounts of information to other people. But that’s the wrong picture. As I already mentioned, communication is a journey. The more that people have in common, the better the chance that they can take that journey together.