Archive for success
What is success?
Posted by: | CommentsIn 1986, when I was 39 years old, I began to notice a terrible trend among my colleagues, college buddies and friends: divorce.
This was happening in a variety of marriages – from the shaky to the apparently strong. Margaret and I didn’t think our relationship was in any kind of danger, but then again, we knew that many of our friends had thought their relationships were indestructible too.
At the same time, my career was really taking off. And while I was enjoying the new challenges, I knew that I didn’t want to lose my family in the process. That prompted me to make one of my key life decisions: rewriting my definition of success. Instead of acclaim or advancement or achievement, I decided that for me,
Success means having those closest to me
love and respect me the most.
This made success for me possible only if I included my wife and children in the journey. From that moment on, my success depended on putting my family first.
If you want to truly succeed in this life, you need to ask yourself a question: Is your pursuit of success drawing you closer to – or farther from – the most important people in your life?
If you want to redefine success the way I did, here are some ways to put your decision into practice:
Determine your priorities.
How much of your calendar is devoted to your family and/or close friends? On your budget and to-do list, where do you write in your loved ones? No relationship can survive for long on leftovers.
Early in my career, I focused so much on work that I neglected Margaret. After I realized this, I changed. I carved out time for her. I protected my day off. And we dedicated money in our budget to facilitate special times together.
It’s been said that a lot can be learned about what a person values by examining two things: their calendar and their bank statement. They show where people spend their time and money. What do those things say about what YOU value?
Decide on your philosophy.
Once your loved ones are a priority, you have to decide together what you want your family to stand for. What values will you live out? For us, the bottom line was to cultivate and maintain:
- Commitment to God,
- Continual growth,
- Common experiences,
- Confidence in God, ourselves and others, and
- Contributions to life.
This was my family’s list. I’m not suggesting that you adopt our philosophy. But I encourage you to take time together to list YOUR non-negotiables. Keep the list short so that you can remember and apply it.
Develop your problem-solving strategy.
I think a lot of people go into marriage expecting it to be easy. Maybe they’ve seen too many movies. Marriage isn’t easy. Family isn’t easy. Close friendships aren’t easy. The best plan is to expect problems, stay committed, and develop a strategy for getting through the rough times.
Talk to your loved ones about how you could improve your problem solving together. (NOTE: Do this during a calm time, not in the middle of a conflict!)
Many problem-solving strategies exist, from family meetings to fair fighting rules. Use the ones that work for you. Just be sure that they foster and promote three things:
- Better understanding,
- Positive change, and
- Growing relationships.
Deciding to redefine success, and acting on that decision, changed the trajectory of my life. Now, 24 years later, I’m still married to the love of my life, both my kids are married with children (my grandangels!), and we all still enjoy spending time together.
Wrapping my definition of success around those I love the most made the difference. And really, when you reach the end of your life, what will be most important to you? Dusty awards granted by acquaintances, or deep connection with those you love?
If at first you do succeed, try something harder
Posted by: | CommentsThe willingness to take greater risks is a major key to achieving success, and you may be surprised that it can solve two very different kinds of problems.
The problem of hitting ALL of your goals,
AND
The problem of hitting NO goals… because you never make any.
Let’s look at #1: You’re not afraid to set goals and commit to a course of action. That’s the good news. But the goals you set are not hard to meet. In fact, you achieve success in them with little effort or time invested. That’s the bad news, because the road to success is uphill. You can’t coast and climb at the same time. Your solution: Take more risks; set more challenging – even frightening – goals. No, you probably won’t achieve all of them. But you will have stretched yourself and grown in the process. And the successes you have will be that much sweeter.
Now, on to #2: You may work hard and keep busy, but your labor lacks direction. Your successes are haphazard and unrepeatable. You’re like an archer without a target: sending arrow after arrow off in some general direction. Your avoidance of goals probably means you’re afraid to fail. “If I don’t set any goals, then I can’t fail at meeting them,” is your mantra. Again, you’re not taking any risks. Your solution: Paint some targets, in a variety of sizes. Give yourself big, medium and small goals, so you can start succeeding and develop momentum.
For today: Think about something you’d like to achieve. Make it big enough to scare you a little. Now write down a plan for moving toward it. Create mini-goals within the big goal, to set yourself up for continual progress. And include some risks. Find parts of the process where you can push the envelope, take more chances, and increase your opportunity for success.
Wherever you go, there you are.
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Travel is a big part of my work now. And this week’s schedule is especially heavy. In seven days I’m teaching in Louisiana, California, Ohio, Georgia, then Ohio again. Of course, it’s not a hardship because I get to connect with and pour into so many wonderful people. One connection that I especially enjoy is one-on-one, when I set aside time to chat and answer questions before or after my teaching sessions.
And there’s one topic that is often brought up: writing. Specifically, people come up and confide in me a desire to write. They want to know how I became a writer, and more importantly, how THEY can become a writer.
The first question I always ask is, “How much writing do you do right now?”
Some answer with a list of articles and other pieces that they’re writing or have already written. But I bet you can guess what most people answer: “Well, I haven’t really written anything yet.”
“Then you need to start writing,” I explain. “You’ve got to start small and work up to it.”
It’s the same with any endeavor. Take leadership: You’ve got to start small and work up to that. A person who has never led before should start by attempting to influence just one other person. Already have some influence? Then try to build a team. The key is to take the next step, not focus on the step a mile ahead.
Your dream may look unreachable. Of course, you could give up in the face of that. Or you could be like a friend of mine who went back to school in her late 40s.
“At first I was discouraged,” she said. “I’ll be a 52-year-old when I get this degree and start a new career.
“But then I thought about it. No matter what I do, I’ll be 52 in four years anyway. At least with this plan, I’ll be a 52-year-old college graduate.”
St. Francis of Assisi said, “Start doing what is necessary; then do what is possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible.” No matter how far away your dream is, you’ll only reach it by moving toward it. Everyone starts in the same place:
Where They Are.
The small responsibilities before you now comprise your first great conquest. Want to conquer the world? Start by conquering your backyard.
Are you driven by Emotion? Or Character?
Posted by: | CommentsEarlier this week on Facebook and Twitter, I shared this statement from Dick Biggs:
The greatest gap in life is the one between knowing and doing.
Life would certainly be easier – and success more simple – if all it took to achieve was to KNOW the right things and DECIDE to do them, right? But I think it’s more accurate to say that a decision is just one bookend of achievement. The other is discipline. Decisions can only help us start. Discipline helps us finish.
That’s where character comes in. Emotion might drive us to make a decision. But character is what keeps us going, even when it gets hard.
In Developing the Leader Within You, I wrote about some differences between character-driven and emotion-driven people:
Character-driven people…
- Do right, then feel good.
- Are commitment driven.
- Make principle-based decisions.
- Let action control attitude.
- Believe it, then see it.
- Create momentum.
- Ask, “What are my responsibilities?
- Continue when problems arise.
- Are steady.
- Are leaders.
Emotion-driven people…
- Feel good, then do right.
- Are convenience-driven.
- Make popular decisions.
- Let attitude control action.
- See it, then believe it.
- Wait for momentum.
- Ask, “What are my rights?”
- Quit when problems arise.
- Are moody.
- Are followers.
The late Louis L’Amour is one of the best-selling authors of all time, with over 300 million copies of his popular western novels and short-story collections sold. When asked the key to his prolific writing, he responded, “Start writing, no matter what. The water does not flow until the faucet is turned on.”
On priorities: Which ball do you drop?
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In a university commencement address several years ago, Brian Dyson, CEO of Coca-Cola Enterprises, spoke of the relationship of work to your other commitments:
Imagine life as a game in which you are juggling five balls in the air. You name them – work, family, health, friends and spirit – and you’re keeping all of these in the air. You will soon understand that work is a rubber ball. If you drop it, it will bounce back.
But the other four balls – family, health, friends and spirit – are made of glass. If you drop one of these, they will be irrevocably scuffed, marked, nicked, damaged, or even shattered. They will never be the same.
I love this! Think about it: A glass ball is not only more fragile than a rubber ball; it’s also more valuable. So why do so many of us devote ourselves to keeping the rubber one from crashing?
Keep your priorities straight. Taking care of your family, your health, your relationships and your spirit is not a selfish act. It’s a sustaining one.
