Archive for Everyone Communicates Few Connect
Connecting is all about others.
Posted by: | CommentsChapter 2 Synopsis
Connecting Is All About Others
When I began my career as a minister, I was not about others. When I counseled people who were experiencing difficulties, my attitude was, “Hurry up and finish telling me your problem so I can give you my solution.” When I was leading any kind of initiative, I constantly asked myself, “How can I get people to buy into my vision so that they’ll help me with my dreams?” When I spoke to an audience, I was focused on myself and not them. I lived for positive feedback. And my goal was always to be impressive. Much of what I did was all about me, yet I still wasn’t succeeding.
When I was twenty-nine years old, my dad invited me and my brother-in-law, Steve Throckmorton, to attend a Success Seminar in Dayton, Ohio, where I heard a speaker who understood how to connect with people. I sat there mesmerized.
I remember thinking, This is someone who understands success. I like him. But there’s more to it than that—he really understands me. He knows what I believe. He understands what I’m thinking. He knows what I feel. He can help me. I would love to be his friend. I already feel like he’s my friend.
That speaker was Zig Ziglar. And that day he said something that changed my life: “If you will first help people get what they want, they will help you get what you want.” Finally, I understood what had been missing from my own communication—and from my interaction with other people. I saw how selfish and self-centered I’d been. I realized that I was trying to get ahead by correcting others when I should have been trying to connect with others.
What I learned was that connecting is never about me. It’s about the person with whom I’m communicating. Similarly, when you are trying to connect with people, it’s not about you—it’s about them. If you want to connect with others, you have to get over yourself. You have to change the focus from inward to outward, off of yourself and onto others.
And I know you can do this, because I did! You can connect with others if you’re willing to get off your own agenda, think about others, and try to understand who they are and what they want. If you’re willing to learn how to connect, you will be amazed at the doors that will open to you and the people you will be able to work with. All you have to do is keep reminding yourself that connecting is all about others.
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Connecting increases your influence in every situation
Posted by: | CommentsChapter One Synopsis
Connecting Increases Your Influence in Every Situation
Maybe there was a time when people could succeed in life without communicating effectively with others. I tend to doubt it, but if so, that time has passed. It’s not enough to just work hard. It’s not enough to do a great job. To be successful, you need to learn how to really communicate with others.
Haven’t you ever gotten frustrated in a presentation because you weren’t able to communicate your ideas as effectively as you wanted to and people just weren’t getting it? Haven’t you ever wanted to help your boss understand how hard you worked and how much value you add to the company so that you could get a well-earned raise or promotion? If you have children, haven’t you wanted to get them to listen to some of your wisdom so that it would help them make good choices? Haven’t you wanted to improve your relationship with a loved one or make a positive impact on your community? If you can’t find a way to do that, you will be unable to reach your potential, you won’t succeed in the way you desire, and you’ll be forever frustrated.
So what’s the secret? Connecting: the ability to identify with people and relate to them in such a way that it increases our influence with them.
The good news is that connecting can be learned. How do I know this? Because I didn’t start out as a good connector at all. I had to become one the hard way – I watched great connectors and did what I could to develop skills like theirs. I made a lot of mistakes along the way, but I kept improving.
If you are facing connecting challenges, as I was early in my life and career, you can overcome them with connecting choices. My goal for this book is to help you develop the communication advantage by learning to connect with every kind of person in any kind of situation.
I believe that almost everything we become and all that we accomplish in life comes as a result of our interaction with others. If you also believe that to be true, then you intuitively know that the ability to connect with others is one of the most important skills a person can learn. It’s something you can begin to improve starting today. This book will help you do it.
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Everyone Communicates, Few Connect – Coming soon!
Posted by: | CommentsCan you believe it’s almost the end of August? This week I’m in San Diego, using the break between speaking engagements to work on ideas and outlines for my book for 2011.
And of course, NEXT week is the launch of the interactive writing experience for my 2010 book.
News to you? Then be sure to read this introductory post.
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On the first of September, Chapter 1 of my upcoming book, Everyone Communicates, Few Connect, goes LIVE. The chapter will be available for you to read in its entirety – and provide feedback in the comments.
- See a typo? You’ll be able to tell me.
- Don’t “get” a concept in the way I explained it? Ask me for clarification.
- Disagree? You can state your case.
- Want to contribute a personal story that illustrates an idea in the chapter? You’ll be able to share it.
The comment section will be the place for you to contribute to this book. So get ready to share your ideas on September 1. (You’ll only be able to read and share your input on Chapter 1 for a limited time, so don’t delay.)
To be notified every time we post new content, you can subscribe to this blog via email or RSS feed.
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And today, to whet your appetite, here’s the PROLOGUE to Everyone Communicates, Few Connect:
Last month I received an overseas phone call from Sangeeth Varghese, author, columnist, and founder of LeadCap, an organization developing leaders in India. I enjoyed talking to Sangeeth, but we had a problem. Our phone connection was bad. I bet we got disconnected nearly a dozen times. One minute we’d be enjoying our conversation on leadership, and the next minute the line would go dead.
Everybody’s had that happen during a phone call. It’s the reason Verizon did their “Can you hear me now?” campaign. When your phone drops a call, you know it, don’t you? And what is your reaction? How does it make you feel? Annoyed? Frustrated? Angry?
Have you ever thought about why you react the way you do when you get disconnected? Being disconnected wastes your time. It interrupts the flow of what you’re trying to accomplish. And it undermines your productivity. The bottom line is that connecting is everything when it comes to communication.
You know when you don’t have a good connection on the phone, but how about when you’re communicating with people in person? Do you know when a connection has been made? Can you tell when the connection is starting to go bad? Can you identify when the “call” has been dropped?
Most people have an easy time knowing when the connection is good on the phone. But they have no idea if they’re connecting with others in other everyday situations.
How do I tell? How do I know that I’ve connected with others? I look for the signs. When I interact with people, whether one on one, in a group, or with an audience, I know I’ve connected when I sense . . .
- Extra Effort – people go the extra mile
- Unsolicited Appreciation – they say positive things
- Unguarded Openness – they demonstrate trust
- Increased Communication – they express themselves more readily
- Enjoyable Experiences – they feel good about what they’re doing
- Emotional Bondedness – they display a connection on an emotional level
- Positive Energy – their emotional “batteries” are charged by being together
- Growing Synergy – their effectiveness is greater than the sum of the contributions
- Unconditional Love – they are accepting without reservation
Any time I interact with people and I see evidence of these signals, I know I’m connecting. I’ve learned what it takes to connect with others, and I’ve learned to gauge when I’m succeeding.
How are you doing when it comes to connecting? When you interact one on one with someone important in your life, do you receive these signals? When you lead a meeting or attend a group function, are these connecting characteristics evident? When you speak to an audience, do you connect with them in such a way that you’re not only effective at communicating, but it’s also a highly enjoyable experience for you and them? If you can’t answer these questions with a resounding yes, then you need to improve your ability to connect with people. Everyone talks. Everyone communicates. But few connect. Those who do take their relationships, their work, and their lives to another level.
If you want to learn how to connect and thereby become more effective in everything you do, there’s good news. Even if connecting with others isn’t something you’re good at today, you can learn how to do it and become better tomorrow. And that’s why I wrote this book. In the first part of the book, I’ll help you to learn the five principles that are foundational for understanding how to connect with people. In the second part, you’ll learn five practices that anyone can do to connect with others—regardless of age, experience, or natural abilty.
Ready? Let’s get started.
Update September 1: Comments for this post are now closed.
What do YOU think I need to say about communication?
Posted by: | CommentsAre you ready to help me make my next book better?
Thank you again for all the suggestions you made about future books you’d like to see me write. In two recent posts I addressed a few of the ideas that I received from you and pointed out the books I’ve already written that answer some of your questions.
But there was one more topic for which I got a lot of requests. Here’s just a sampling:
- I would love to see you write a book on communication.
- Perhaps you could write on communicating clearly, assumptions and perceptions
- What about leadership and communication? There is so much to say yet about this topic, and this is really decisive in leadership.
- I am not sure how much you have already written about how leaders communicate, but that seems very relevant!
If one of these was your question (or if you would just like to know what I have to say regarding communication) I have good news:
I HAVE in fact written a book dedicated to the topic. It’s called Everyone Communicates, Few Connect.
The secret to communication — whether one-on-one, in a small group, to an audience, or in a meeting — is connecting. If you can connect with people, you can communicate with people. This is something I learned early in my career, and it has helped me as a husband, father, friend, communicator, and leader. I cannot image what my life and my career might have looked like had I not learned how to connect.
What? You haven’t heard of this book? I’m not surprised. Because it hasn’t been published yet! And believe it or not, that’s even better news. Why? Because you, my blog readers, will get to see it before anyone else does. You’ll also get a chance to tell me what you think about it before it goes to print. And if you give me a story in response to one of my chapters that adds enough value to it, I’ll even include it in the published book!
Here’s the plan. On September 1, 2009, I will post the first chapter of this manuscript right here on the blog. I’ll encourage you to give me your feedback and comments. While the chapter is up, you’ll be able to tell me exactly what you like, what you don’t like, and what you think is missing. We’ll make changes based on the feedback that we believe will add value to the book. And if we use your comment or story , we’ll also quote you in the book.
We’ll leave that first chapter up for two weeks; after that, we’ll take it down and post the next chapter. From then on, we’ll post a new chapter each week for you to read and comment on.
A chapter will stay up only a week, so keep in contact. If you think you’ll have trouble remembering to check each week, then subscribe to my RSS feed so that you receive a reminder. I need your input as part of the revision and editing process. And when the book comes out in the spring of 2010, you can check to see whose comments made it into the book.
I’m really excited about this process. Every book I’ve written over the last decade and a half has been a collaborative experience. I’ve sought the advice of good thinkers and leaders as I’ve outlined and written. (After all, one person can do nothing of significance alone.) But this is the first time I’ll be able to connect so broadly with my readers before a book has been published. I know you will make the book better.
So get ready. This fall is going to be a lot of fun!
Connecting Goes Beyond Words
Posted by: John C Maxwell | Comments (189)Chapter 3 Synopsis
Connecting Goes Beyond Words
People watch a reality show on television where two equally talented people sing the same song. One of them gives the audience goose bumps; the other one leaves everybody cold. Why is that?
Two professors at a university teach the same class at the same time using the same prescribed syllabus and required textbook. Students stand in line at registration to get into the first teacher’s class, while the other’s class starts below capacity and dwindles to just a few students. Why?
Two managers work together running a restaurant. All twenty employees work regularly for each of them. When the first manager needs extra help and asks people to work late, they do so willingly. When the other manager makes the same appeal the next week, all the employees make excuses for why they can’t stay. What’s the reason for the difference?
Two parents raise a child together in the same household, enforcing the same rules. One parent gets cheerful compliance and the other gets resistance. Why?
Shouldn’t the words of the song evoke the same response in both singers? Shouldn’t the same course be equally appealing to students? Shouldn’t both managers expect to be given the same consideration? Shouldn’t parents in the same household inspire the same reaction?
Intuitively, you probably know that the answer is no.
Why? Because we tend to respond to – in other words, connect with – others based on more than the words that come out of their mouths.
How do we do that? Howard Hendricks says that all communication has three essential components. When we communicate, we must include:
Communication breaks down if any one of those is missing. But when I include all three, the message itself has conviction, passion, and credibility.
And the result is connection.
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