Archive for conflict
Leading difficult people: Critical Carl
Posted by: | CommentsThere’s room in any organization for every type of person. From the big-picture person to the detail-conscious, all can make a valid contribution. But sometimes a team member’s strength can be their weakness. Attention to detail can become fixation on the negative. And the voice of reason turns into the voice of discouragement.
This is the problem we have with Critical Carl. He’s probably the most thorough and conscientious team member. He’s a great planner. But he seems to only see the negative. And he voices his criticisms to anyone who will listen.
We’ve been spending the past few weeks talking about leading difficult people. You can click the names to read about Fearful Fred, Slumped Susan, Excited Eddie, and Disorganized Debbie. Now let’s discuss how to understand, listen to, and lead Critical Carl.
Understanding Critical Carl:
- Behavior: Often negative
- Motivated by: Someone to listen to him
- Strength: Detail-consciousness
- Weakness: No filter
Listening to Critical Carl:
- Privately sit down and discuss Carl’s concerns.
- Discuss the way he’s chosen to voice them.
- Point out that he tends to focus on the negative.
- Find out if he wants to change.
- Share when, how, and with whom it’s appropriate to point out his concerns.
Leading Critical Carl:
- Ask the people negatively affected to meet with you and Carl.
- Ask for their side of the story.
- Ask Carl for an explanation.
- Share with them that Carl has a problem with criticism.
- Share with them the process you’ve asked him to follow.
Growth Plan:
Read Be a People Person together
What impact does Critical Carl have in your organization? His negative comments have the potential to discourage fellow team members and halt all forward momentum. By accepting at least some of his concerns as valid, and teaching him how he can – and can’t – share them, you might channel his attention to detail in a way that builds the team and contributes to every project.
Next week: The final difficult person in this series, Grandstanding Gary
Don’t use a hammer to swat a fly off someone’s head.
Posted by: | CommentsMy wife, Margaret, and I were married in June 1969, and like most couples, we naively believed that nothing but smooth sailing lay ahead of us. Of course, it didn’t take long for us to find ourselves in the kinds of minor disagreements that all couples experience, especially when they’re first adjusting to married life.
Like most people, I thought I was right nearly all the time, and I let Margaret know about it. I’ve always been a good talker, and I can be pretty persuasive, so I used my skills to win our arguments. We never yelled or screamed at each other. It was always very rational and controlled, but I always made sure I won. The problem was that with my approach, Margaret always had to lose.
And I truly didn’t realize that winning at all costs could eventually jeopardize our marriage, until one day when Margaret sat me down, shared how she felt when we argued, and explained what it was doing to our relationship. It was the first time I understood I was putting winning the arguments ahead of winning the relationship.
From that day I decided to change. Realizing that having the right attitude was more important than having the right answers, I softened my approach, listened more, and stopped making a big deal out of little things. In time, the wall that had begun to form came down, and we began building bridges. And since that time, I’ve made a conscious effort to initiate connection anytime I’m in conflict with someone I care about.
Let’s face it. Because of their personalities, some people are inclined to use a hammer, even when something gentler will do. That’s my natural inclination. But now, when tempted to use overkill, I try to temper my behavior using the following four Ts. You may want to embrace them when you find yourself in a similar situation.
1. Total Picture.
Do you come to conclusions long before the problem has been laid out before you? That’s a common occurrence for most of us. To keep from hammering people with answers before they finished asking the question, I’ve trained myself to follow this process:
- Listen,
- Ask questions,
- Listen again,
- Ask more questions,
- Listen some more,
- Then
- Respond.
I find that if I slow myself down, I’m more likely to respond patiently and appropriately.
2. Timing
When you act is as important as taking the right action. Even knowing when not to act can be important. Noted hostess and writer Lady Dorothy Nevill observed, “The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.”
It seems to me that the most common cause of bad timing in relationships is selfish motives. For that reason, when little things bother us, our number one objective must be putting our personal agendas aside and building the relationship. Once you’ve examined your motives, then you need to ask yourself two timing questions: 1) Am I ready to confront? That’s a pretty easy one to answer because it’s really a matter of whether you’ve done your homework. The second is harder: 2) Is the other person ready to hear? If you’ve laid a relational foundation, and the two of you are not in the “heat of battle,” then the answer is more likely to be yes.
3. Tone
The writer of Proverbs stated, “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Haven’t you found that to be true? People often respond more to our attitudes and actions than to our words. And many petty conflicts occur because people use the wrong tone of voice. The next time someone says something to you in anger, respond with gentleness and kindness. In response, the other person is likely to tone down, if not soften, his attitude.
4. Temperature
As tempers flare, people are prone to dropping bombs when using a slingshot will do. And that can cause a lot of trouble because the size of a problem changes based on the heat applied to it. In general,
If the reaction is more heated than the action, the problem usually increases.
If the reaction is less intense than the action, the problem usually decreases.
That’s why I try to follow a self-imposed guideline that I like to call the Reprimand Rule: Take thirty seconds to share feelings – and then it’s over. Anytime we let a little thing create a big reaction (longer than 30 seconds), then we’re using a hammer.
Psychologist Abraham Maslow once observed, “If the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.” That might work with some issues, but it’s a terrible way to treat people. Relationships require more judicious treatment. Pay attention to the Four Ts in conflict, especially regarding the little things, and you’ll be more likely to solve the problem while preserving the relationship.
Adapted from Winning with People
Understanding people makes the difference
Posted by: | CommentsThe ability to understand people is one of the greatest assets anyone can ever have. It has the potential to positively impact every area of your life, not just the business arena. For example, look at how understanding people helped this mother of a preschooler.
Leaving my four-year-old son in the house, I ran out to throw something in the trash. When I tried to open the door to get back inside, it was locked. I knew that insisting my son open the door would have resulted in an hour-long battle of the wills. So in a sad voice, I said, “Oh, too bad. You just locked yourself in the house.” The door opened at once.
Understanding people certainly impacts your ability to communicate with others. David Burns, a medical doctor and professor of psychiatry at the University of Pennsylvania, observed, “The biggest mistake you can make in trying to talk convincingly is to put your highest priority on expressing your ideas and feelings. What most people really want is to be listened to, respected, and understood. The moment people see that they are being understood, they become more motivated to understand your point of view.” If you can learn to understand people – how they think, what they feel, what inspires them, how they’re likely to act and react in a given situation – then you can motivate and influence them in a positive way.
- from The Maxwell Daily Reader
Today on A Minute with Maxwell, my free daily video, I’m talking about LOVE – with a special message for my wife Margaret. To receive a daily notification whenever a new video is posted, you can subscribe here:
Besides daily videos, you’ll be able to access my three-part teaching series on making this your best year ever. I hope it serves you well.
How do I maintain a teachable attitude?
Posted by: | CommentsTeachability is not so much about competence and mental capacity as it is about attitude. It is the desire to listen, learn, and apply. It is the hunger to discover and grow. It is the willingness to learn, unlearn, and relearn. I love the way legendary basketball coach John Wooden states it: “It’s what you learn after you know it all that counts.”
When I teach and mentor leaders, I remind them that if they stop learning, they stop leading. But if they remain teachable and keep learning, they will be able to keep making an impact as leaders. Whatever your talent happens to be – whether it’s leadership, craftsmanship, entrepreneurship, or something else – you will expand it if you keep expecting and striving to learn.
Futurist and author John Naisbitt believes that “the most important skill to acquire is learning how to learn.” Here is what I suggest as you pursue teachability:
1. Learn to listen.
American writer and philosopher Henry David Thoreau wrote, “It takes two to speak the truth – one to speak and one to hear.” Being a good listener helps us to know people better, to learn what they have learned, and to show them that we value them as individuals.
As you go through each day, remember that you can’t learn if you’re always talking. As the old saying goes, “There’s a reason you have one mouth and two ears.” Listen to others and remain humble, and you will learn things that can help you expand your talent.
2. Understand the learning process.
Here’s how learning typically works:
- STEP 1: Act.
- STEP 2: Look for your mistakes and evaluate.
- STEP 3: Search for a way to do it better.
- STEP 4: Go back to Step 1.
Remember, the greatest enemy of learning is knowing. And the goal of all learning is action, not knowledge. If what you are doing does not in some way contribute to what you or others are learning in life, then question its value and be prepared to make changes.
3. Look for and plan teachable moments.
If you look for opportunities to learn in every situation, you will expand your talent to its potential. But you can also take another step beyond this and actively seek out and plan teachable moments. You do that by reading books, visiting places that inspire you, attending events that prompt you to pursue change, and spending time with people who stretch you and expose you to new experiences.
4. Make your teachable moments count.
Even people who are strategic about seeking teachable moments can miss the whole point of the experience. I say this because for many years I’ve been a speaker at conferences and workshops – events that are designed to help people learn. But I’ve found that many people walk away from an event and do very little with what they heard.
We tend to focus on learning events instead of the learning process. Because of this, I try to help people take action steps that will help them implement what they learn. I suggest that in their notes, they pay special attention to
- Points they need to think about
- Changes they need to make
- Lessons they need to apply
- Information that they need to share
Then after the conference, I recommend that they create to-do lists based on what they took note of, then schedule time to follow through.
5. Ask yourself, “Am I really teachable?”
I’ve said it before, but it bears repeating: all the good advice in the world won’t help if you don’t have a teachable spirit. To know whether you are really open to new ideas and new ways of doing things, ask yourself the following questions:
- Am I open to other people’s ideas?
- Do I listen more than I talk?
- Am I open to changing my opinion based on new information?
- Do I readily admit when I am wrong?
- Do I observe before acting on a situation?
- Do I ask questions?
- Am I willing to ask a question that will expose my ignorance?
- Am I open to doing things in a way I haven’t done before?
- Am I willing to ask for directions?
- Do I act defensive when criticized, or do I listen openly for truth?
If you answered no to one or more of these questions, then you have room to grow in the area of teachability. You need to soften your attitude, learn humility, and remember the words of John Wooden: “Everything we know we learned from someone else!”
Adapted from Self-Improvement 101
Just another note: I’m very excited about a new program I’m involved with: A Minute with Maxwell.
It’s a daily video program featuring short lessons from me on a variety of topics, like perspective, integrity, self-leadership, and persistence.
Signup is free, and besides viewing the videos, you can also influence content by suggesting topics. I hope you’ll join me by signing up at JohnMaxwellTeam.com.
For leaders: balancing care with candor
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Image courtesy of photobucket
Every person makes mistakes at some time in the workplace. Everyone needs someone to come alongside them to help them improve. If you’re a leader, it is your responsibility and your privilege to be the person who helps them get better. That often begins with a candid conversation. But before you have it, it helps to ask yourself what the nature of the problem might be.
My friend Sam Chand says that when he is having difficulty with a person he asks himself one simple question, “Is this person a can’t or a won’t? Can’t is about abilities. We can help these kinds of people in most cases—not in all cases, but in most. But won’t is about attitude. If the issue is attitude, the time to let that person know there is a problem is now, because here is the deal: we hire people for what they know and fire them for who they are.”
I believe that people can improve their attitudes and their abilities. And because I do, I talk to them about where they’re coming up short. If you’re a leader and you want to help people, you need to be willing to have those tough conversations. So how does a leader handle being relational while still trying to move people forward? By balancing care and candor.
Care without candor creates dysfunctional relationships.
Candor without care creates distant relationships.
But care balanced with candor creates developing relationships.
Here is how care and candor work together in leadership:
Caring Values The Person While Candor Values The Person’s Potential
To lead successfully, it is important for you to value people. That is foundational to solid relationships. Caring for others demonstrates that you value them. However, if you want to help them get better, you have to be honest about where they need to improve. That shows that you value the person’s potential, and requires candor.
If you’re candid with someone but with their benefit in mind, it doesn’t have to be harmful. It can be similar to the work of a surgeon. It may hurt, but it shouldn’t harm. As a leader, you must be willing and able to do that. If not, you won’t be able to help your people grow and change.
Caring Establishes The Relationship While Candor Expands The Relationship
The things that usually help to establish a relationship are common ground and care. But those things usually aren’t enough to make a relationship grow. To expand a relationship, candor and open communication are required.
Most leaders I talk to have a difficult conversation that they know they need to have but are avoiding. Usually they are reluctant for one of two reasons: either they don’t like confrontation, or they fear that they will hurt the person they need to talk to. But if a leader can balance care and candor, and the follower responds with grace and willingness to grow, it will actually deepen and strengthen the relationship.
Caring Defines The Relationship While Candor Directs The Relationship
Solid relationships are defined by how people care about one another. But just because people care about one another doesn’t mean that they are going anywhere together. Getting the team moving together to accomplish a goal is the responsibility of the leader, and that often requires candor. My friend, Colin Sewell, owner of several auto dealerships, said to me, “Leaders have to make the best decisions for the largest group of people. Therefore, leaders give up the right to cater to an individual if it hurts the team or the organization.” If you want to lead people well, you need to be willing to direct them candidly.
Caring Should Never Suppress Candor While Candor Should Never Displace Caring
The bottom line, which has already become very clear, is that good leaders must embrace both care and candor. You can’t ignore either. So to help you strive to keep the balance between the two, I’ve created a caring candor checklist for working with people. Before having a candid conversation, make sure that you can answer yes to the following questions:
- Have I invested in the relationship enough to be candid with them?
- Do I truly value them as people?
- Am I sure this is their issue and not mine?
- Am I sure I’m not speaking up because I feel threatened?
- Is the issue more important than the relationship?
- Does this conversation clearly serve their interests and not just mine?
- Am I willing to invest time and energy to help them change?
- Am I willing to show them how to do something, not just say what’s wrong?
- Am I willing and able to set clear, specific expectations?
If you can answer yes to all of these questions, then your motives are probably right and you have a good chance of being able to communicate effectively.
As a young leader, I found it very difficult to have candid conversations with people. I often postponed those difficult talks, hoping that an issue would go away. Seldom did that happen. Maybe you relate to that. If so, you’ll be glad to hear that you’re normal. However, you need to know that candid conversations are a leader’s responsibility and must be done—but in the right way with the right attitude. When an employee is hired to get a certain job done and doesn’t, that hurts the team and the organization. And it’s then time for the leader to take action. That can be very hard; but in the long term, it’s best not only for the organization, but also for the person who needs to hear what’s not going right. If your goal is to help the individual, improve the team, and fulfill the vision of the organization, then this is the path you should follow as a leader.
Adapted from my upcoming book, The Five Levels of Leadership (October 2011)
