Don’t use a hammer to swat a fly off someone’s head.
ByMy wife, Margaret, and I were married in June 1969, and like most couples, we naively believed that nothing but smooth sailing lay ahead of us. Of course, it didn’t take long for us to find ourselves in the kinds of minor disagreements that all couples experience, especially when they’re first adjusting to married life.
Like most people, I thought I was right nearly all the time, and I let Margaret know about it. I’ve always been a good talker, and I can be pretty persuasive, so I used my skills to win our arguments. We never yelled or screamed at each other. It was always very rational and controlled, but I always made sure I won. The problem was that with my approach, Margaret always had to lose.
And I truly didn’t realize that winning at all costs could eventually jeopardize our marriage, until one day when Margaret sat me down, shared how she felt when we argued, and explained what it was doing to our relationship. It was the first time I understood I was putting winning the arguments ahead of winning the relationship.
From that day I decided to change. Realizing that having the right attitude was more important than having the right answers, I softened my approach, listened more, and stopped making a big deal out of little things. In time, the wall that had begun to form came down, and we began building bridges. And since that time, I’ve made a conscious effort to initiate connection anytime I’m in conflict with someone I care about.
Let’s face it. Because of their personalities, some people are inclined to use a hammer, even when something gentler will do. That’s my natural inclination. But now, when tempted to use overkill, I try to temper my behavior using the following four Ts. You may want to embrace them when you find yourself in a similar situation.
1. Total Picture.
Do you come to conclusions long before the problem has been laid out before you? That’s a common occurrence for most of us. To keep from hammering people with answers before they finished asking the question, I’ve trained myself to follow this process:
- Listen,
- Ask questions,
- Listen again,
- Ask more questions,
- Listen some more,
- Then
- Respond.
I find that if I slow myself down, I’m more likely to respond patiently and appropriately.
2. Timing
When you act is as important as taking the right action. Even knowing when not to act can be important. Noted hostess and writer Lady Dorothy Nevill observed, “The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.”
It seems to me that the most common cause of bad timing in relationships is selfish motives. For that reason, when little things bother us, our number one objective must be putting our personal agendas aside and building the relationship. Once you’ve examined your motives, then you need to ask yourself two timing questions: 1) Am I ready to confront? That’s a pretty easy one to answer because it’s really a matter of whether you’ve done your homework. The second is harder: 2) Is the other person ready to hear? If you’ve laid a relational foundation, and the two of you are not in the “heat of battle,” then the answer is more likely to be yes.
3. Tone
The writer of Proverbs stated, “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Haven’t you found that to be true? People often respond more to our attitudes and actions than to our words. And many petty conflicts occur because people use the wrong tone of voice. The next time someone says something to you in anger, respond with gentleness and kindness. In response, the other person is likely to tone down, if not soften, his attitude.
4. Temperature
As tempers flare, people are prone to dropping bombs when using a slingshot will do. And that can cause a lot of trouble because the size of a problem changes based on the heat applied to it. In general,
If the reaction is more heated than the action, the problem usually increases.
If the reaction is less intense than the action, the problem usually decreases.
That’s why I try to follow a self-imposed guideline that I like to call the Reprimand Rule: Take thirty seconds to share feelings – and then it’s over. Anytime we let a little thing create a big reaction (longer than 30 seconds), then we’re using a hammer.
Psychologist Abraham Maslow once observed, “If the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.” That might work with some issues, but it’s a terrible way to treat people. Relationships require more judicious treatment. Pay attention to the Four Ts in conflict, especially regarding the little things, and you’ll be more likely to solve the problem while preserving the relationship.
Adapted from Winning with People
I remember clearly: “i was winning every argument, but i was losing her heart” you told this Story at our Guatemala conference. I loved it! Don’t know if the husbands did though!
Hi John,
Force negates. Using force in any communication only makes the situation more strained. That’s why your tips of listening and tuning into to each other’s feelings works so well. Instead of using force you skillfully work your way through the minefield of emotions which tends to arise in domestic arguments.
Thanks for sharing!
RB
Once again thank you for sharing your wisdom. to help others grow. Thankful to take notes
Thanks again, John. It is always easier to pull a string around, on a table top, than it is to try to push a string around. May the Lord continue to bless your ministry.
Dear John,
What a profound article; I practice this–I believe it thoroughly. This is one of the life’s lessons we at Shalom Bayit Foundation, Inc. (SBF) try to instill in our “SBF Daughters”; with their children, their family and the world. We let them know that the cashier who may have a bad attitude may very well be going through something; although it is not right for the cashier to take it out on the customers sometimes it is all they know. We can, however, be the solution and not add to the problem by letting the cashier know we understand they are not having a good day and pray with them. I know reaching out in that manner will certainly turn the situation around, not just for the cashier but for everyone around.
I was about to use the hammer on my husband, and could have easily justified it. He screwed up, afterall. But then I saw this blog post come up in my news feeds. Who knows the kind of strife that was prevented! Thank you.
Love this a lot!
especially “Is the other person ready to hear?” though we say the truth but they not ready yet so maybe remain the slient that’s better ^ ^
Great thoughts to start my day. Sometimes just taking the time to think it through and responding in a kind way can make the difference. Sometimes difficult with difficult people, but with practice and patience we can make a difference in all our relationships. Thanks very much!
Hi John,
It’s not always easy to accept that you are at fault. Whilst we are like that as human beings, your post shows a different way of approaching communication towards others. Infact that is a godly approach as Apostle James admonished “be swift to hear and slow to speak”.
Being mindful about other people’s affairs is the mojor step towards building good relationships. I like it John!
God bless you.
Coincidentally, the sermon at church on Sunday was on relationships. A quote that stuck in my mind and that John’s article rekindled is
“in relationships when you argue and win, you lose”. That hit like a ton of bricks.
Definitely Something I Look To Use In My Relationship. Working With My Spouse On A Busy Relationship I Found Has Been All About Her. When I Take The Focus Off Me And Put It On Her Things Go Alot Smoother.
Thank you John
My father spent over 30 years as a clergyman which included a considerable amount of counselling. His one key lesson that he distilled was “Relationships break down when people invest more energy in being right than in solving problems.” The lesson applies to much more than marriages.
Great thoughts, Dr. John. But what happens to a person who tends to be a little more introverted, and is constantly a “victim” of other peoples’ ‘harmers’? How do we handle such situations nicely?
This is very thoughtful and revealing about why some of us are not succeeding in our relationships and leadership responsibilities. I will apply it and pass it on to as many as I can reach. It will surely help. Thanks and God bless you.
Hi John,
I’m a member of an email list that discusses a daily bible study plan.
My winner takes all attutude is not letting us build up each other in the Lord.
I’ve printed out your post on “Understanding people makes the difference and pinned in to the wall in my office cubicle. This one will go be pinned right next to it.
Thanks for the timely advice and God bless you.
Hi John –
Everyone is “right” – it is just a matter of seeing things from a different perspective and that means understanding that everyone is different –
thank you!
Walter:-)
Truly inspiring read! Thank you Dr. John. You have spoken directly to my heart.
Thanks for this! As a husband that often uses a hammer when not needed, I needed to hear this. There is a lot in my communication with my wife that can change for the better as I apply this. Thanks for much food for thought. I am excited to see how things work out as I tone it down.