Connectors Create an Experience Everyone Enjoys
ByChapter 8 Synopsis
Connectors Create an Experience Everyone Enjoys
What words would you choose to describe the best communicators who have connected well with you? Entertaining? Energetic? Funny? Maybe if you gave it some time, you could produce a long list of attributes. Now think about the communicators you don’t care for, the ones who were unable to connect with you. If I asked you to describe them using only one word, what would it be? I’m willing to bet that the word would be boring.
Sadly, for many of us, it’s much easier to bore people than to connect with them. But I have some good news: no matter what your current level of skill is in this area, you can make it better. Being interesting can be learned. I know because my personal experience can back it up.
When I began my career as a pastor, my biggest fear was of being “another boring preacher.” After all, as a kid growing up in church, my prayer every Sunday morning went something like this . . .
Now I lay me down to sleep,
The sermon’s long; the subject’s deep.
If he should quit before I wake,
I ask someone, “Give me a shake.”
No communicator, whether delivering a sermon or chatting at a restaurant, wants to be boring. We want to be INTERESTING. Fortunately, we can do that in a number of ways, like taking responsibility for what listeners hear, being visual and telling stories. Often the bottom line when it comes to holding people’s interest and connecting with others is to be the kind of communicator you would like to hear.
Now don’t get me wrong; no one can connect with everybody. It doesn’t matter how hard you work at it. Though I strive to be an effective communicator, I know there are people I leave cold when I talk. That’s okay. But you can be sure that I will do everything in my power to keep them from falling asleep. The longer they stay engaged, the better the chance I have of winning them over. And the better the chance of adding value to them.
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We forget the other side of the speech or what the other side is feeling or believing. Remember a pastor one time that had to go to another church that was far on the opposite side of what he beleived. So, as he approach the church he was afraid to go end because of the unknown-what will they think of me, will anyone talk to me, and what if I have to talk to someone? His point was when people visit you we forget to look through their eyes and go out of your way to greet them, connect with them, or eat with them.
Last point is I think it is so funny that places of business bring in men and women to ask the questions they should be asking about the day to day operations of the business. So, why is it so hard to ask the tough questions yourself? Is it we are afraid of the answers coming back at us or that we do not have the time to ask? Both of which is a sad state of where most businesses are today…
Thank you for creating importance in others. It is truly delightful to be a part of your growth and my own.
I wanted to share some feedback based on the first part of this chapter.
” Be responsible to the listener”.
One piece of me that has grown is my willingness to be accountable to all parties in any given situation. In reading a previous book of yours I learn about the meeting after the meeting when building leaders. I also learned from myself that I am more effective when I have the meeting before the meeting when communicating. I use to be very impulsive and reactive in dealing with members of my team. After reading more on leading I realized I was in your words being responsible to my listeners. I learned the hard way when they would not process my messages. When I noticed less cooperation I tried to do more of my part and see where I could improve. I went to each member and asked personal questions regarding there home life and upbringing. Meeting them on there own ground. I began trying to form my expectations and needs for more production based on they means of communication and became more responsible to them in order for the to become important and responsible to their success. Kind of like the meeting before the meeting.
Thanks again. Me sharing this helps me grow and continue to be aware and humble.
John:
Thank you for another chapter full of lessons to connect. I especially appreciate your advice to relax with the audience. Communicating means conversing ‘with’ – not talking “to”. Am just loving this and cannot wait for the next chapter.
Here is a suggestion to insert at the beginning of section “How to be Interesting”. Incorporate the idea of using a structure to make your point.
When a couple other facilitators and I were asked to create a public speaking course for the National Women’s Council of Realtors, we used this framework:
P.R.E.P. Point, Reason, Example, Point.
• First, in an interesting way, state the POINT you want to make
• Next, give the audience your most compelling REASON to consider the point
• Follow it up with an EXAMPLE to clearly illustrate the point: a story, a quote, a demonstration….
• Complete the process by restating the POINT in a way that creates the outcome you intend: laughter, tears, action, desire to change…
Many Thanks, Sue
this needs correction “of how you something is worded”
And, what did Churchill say? Never never never give up? Or never, never, never quit? (you used both)
Thanks for including the saying, “Talk at me . . . Talk about me and I’ll listen for hours.”
This reminds me and is equivalent to the learning experience of retaining only 10% of what I hear, only 20% of what I see, but 50% of what I do (percentages are a wild guess but the principle is there). It’s all about engagement in the experience, and making it about the listener, not about the speaker.
When you speak, you hope the listener learns, or the learner is listening. I think the parallel works well to remind you that whatever the purpose of your interaction, it’s the active listening, engaging and doing of the others that makes it work.
[i] 17:22, NIV, BIBLE.
[iii] Matthew 13:10-13, The Message.
(I THINK IN THE ABOVE REFERENCES, WE SHOULD ADD THE WORD “BIBLE” , WITHOUT WHICH THIS REFERENCE IS INCOMPLETE. THIS CAN BE SPECIALLY IMP FOR THOSE WHO DON’T KNOW WHAT “NIV”, OR THE “MESSAGE” STANDS FOR)
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Hi john,
Tremendous start for the eight one!!
I liked the seven ways you mentioned under “How to Be Interesting” header.
A suggestion— how about adding one more point, which I somehow feel is not highlighted here and without which the rest of the points can lose hold.
Its “Have thorough knowledge on the subject you are about to speak on”
Speakers need to do adequate research on the content as it is one of the most important exercise without which they will feel handicapped. Even half knowledge is dangerous.
I remember in my school days I had filled an application form to join the National Cadet Corps (is a Tri-Services Organization, comprising the Army, Navy and Air Force, engaged in grooming the youth of the country into disciplined and patriotic citizens.) During the final selection interview, a senior NCC officer looked at us, a bunch of noisy females and said sternly, “Joining NCC is not a piece of cake. It requires a high level of commitment and you need to survive a tough grind. Let me ask you all this final question and your answer will determine who gets through.” And the question he asked was, “How many of you can run 10kms at a stretch without taking halts, without the intake of any refreshments or even water and without reducing the speed which you earlier started with?”
Immediately there was drop dead silence. Slowly I lifted my right hand and then looking at me another of my friend mustered courage to lift her hand. As it was expected, when the selection results were announced just the two of us got selected.
If you are still wondering how come I lifted my hand so easily. Well, the answer is because that time I did not know how much distance 10km was!! I thought the office was speaking about a small distance and could be easily managed. After the interview when I came to know this, it was almost as if earth had slipped off my feet. And guess what next day I left NCC!!
The point that I want to make is to avoid embarrassing moments while communicating, make a good effort to study your subject. Know what you are saying before you speak to others about it.
Rgds,
kim
Hi John, great chapter 8. Would like to share my experience.
Sometime ago I was asked to speak in front of high-school and college students. The organizers are young entrepreneurs and they invited 3 people, me included, to share ideas on business and investing.
I have read some books on the topic and i would be willing to share my ideas and experiences.Knowing that they are 10 years younger than me, I tried putting up drawings of funny cartoons in my presentation. I also started to ask questions in the beginning of my speech before going through the presentation. I kept telling myself how I love the audience and how excited I was to see them. My greatest worry then was to be so boring that I get blank faces. But it all ended well because the kids loved the pictures and they were reacting to the presentation.
The 2 gentlemen who spoke after me did the opposite. They put up their corporate presentation and discussed investment concepts that I myself found hard to understand. I think those presentation are for seasoned investors. The result, sleepy heads and blank expressions from the kids. Worse, the speaker doing the presentation kept on saying that he is getting blank stares instead of doing something about the presentation. In the end almost half of the audience walked out even before the awarding.
I do not know how to make a good self-depreciating joke though. I just don’t know how to throw a good joke, yet.
Great stuff, teacher! At 29 years old, I have been reading your stuff for 14 years. I usually have to look up the references you have used and I am always impressed with the new knowledge I find. I regards to your section on “Relax”, might I suggest a musician named Jack Johnson. My generation loves Jack Johnson (at least my circle of friends do). He is a very approachable, cool character. At his concerts, he is known to sit on a stool and joke with his audience. He also, wears jeans, a tshirt, and flip flops-not the usually attire for a so-called “pop star”. He’ll be singing a song and something will happen in the audience that will inspire him to make up words about it on the spot. He’ll mess up, and just laugh, which in turn makes the audience laugh. He makes everyone feel very comfortable and therefore is very memorable.
Also, in addition to asking everyone to put their hands together in a clasp, it is hilarious to first ask them what thumb do they usually put on top…but tell them only to think about it, not to actually do it. Many usually guess their right thumb because most people are right handed, but in fact most people are accustomed to having their left thumb on top. Always good for a laugh.
Great chapter John! Any thoughts on how you might ‘create an experience everyone enjoys’ when part of the message is to point out something that is wrong and needs fixing? Would it be a right guess from this and previous chapters that you would focus a lot more positive energy on the desired future rather than the undesired present?
If you could give an example of that it would be great! A few examples here use “straw men” – a person who connected well vs some poor boring guy – too obvious. What about an example with a given subject, describe a ‘typical’ approach someone would make that would fail to connect, then for the same situation, what a connecting approach might look like. – Thanks, Larry
Matthew 13:10-13 is such a great “quote” to use with the topic of this chapter and book. I’d love to see it used to give Jesus the credit. Especially where we are in history. Immediately in my spirit I felt you should quote either the whole scripture or keep your own words but quote and add verses 14-16. It is such a great “story” of what Jesus knew from the beginning about communicating and connecting. Also, the last part of verse 15… “and they cannot turn to me and let me heal them.” We particiate in this book for more understanding. In a sense to be healed of our short comings about this subject. By learning to speak “with” people and all the knowledge we gain from this book, God can use us in ways we may not ever imagine!
My 4 lb yorkie poo “Rambo” and I volunteer at an assisted living home in the town we live in. At first I was a little hesitant to volunteer there because… to be honest, elderly people in nursing homes intimidated me a bit. I wasn’t sure I had anything in common or could connect worthy of our time together. I found out very quickly that I was so wrong. I bring my little Rambo with me, (in my purse with his head sticking out of my bag) and those folks “come alive”! I am amazed at how many of them have so much to share about the pets they’ve had in their life time. They haven’t forgotten at all. As a matter of fact, we make it a point to visit at least once or twice a week. Rambo prances into this assisted living home like he owns the place… and the ones that can’t remember his name call him “their little hound dog!”
“Here comes our little hound dog..” The smiles and energy this 4 lb ball of “love” creates is unreal! Rambo has opened the door to further connect while we visit with these folks. It’s a great joy for me (and Rambo) and I can truely say they enjoy it more. xo
“Imagine” is my favorite word! I use it probably every day, many times… my friends actually say it back to me because I’m always saying “imagine”?
Thanks for this opportunity to learn and share. God bless you and yours.
Barb Giglio
The more I have opportunity to speak and communicate the more I am aware that I must take responsibility for my audience. This is a powerful concept in that people are giving their most precious resources – their time! We must ensure that when people leave they can say that the time invested was worth it. Thanks doing a great job on this..
Hi John…for myself, you connected right out of the gates in Chapter 8 with “Take Responsibility For Your Listeners”. This is one of those “choice” elements in life that is often goes unrecognized as such. We have to choose to do this, much like intentionally being a good customer, or choosing that today matters.
As an engineer, I am often required to present ideas or solutions to new products being developed. Unless I am speaking to other engineers who eat this stuff for breakfast, this is dry, boring material that speaks over most audiences heads. Since there is always someone from the management, leadership, or finance teams present in the audience, I have to take the responsibiltiy for them as well and ensure that what is communicated reaches all participants in a way that is meaningful and actionable.
Sometimes that requires me to learn aspects of their language, such as finance or corporate speak, rather than assuming they understand engineering speak.
Taking responsibility for your listeners is not the same as “know your audience”. I find in taking responsibility for my listeners utilizes elements of thoughtfulness, hospitality, and engagement. You imply this as well with the questions you ask yourself after writing each chapter.
Good stuff…as always.
well, in the part of the world where I come from, there are only a few connectors. I can one of the very few by the person of late Bola Ige when he was minister for mines and power. There was this telephoning programme on tv where someone called in to complain about the seriousness of the power problem we were faced with in the country. he responded by saving, ” i empathize with u on this situation. i guess he said this because he could also fell the pain. unlike some leaders who benefit from the poor power situation. Am realy enjoying this book in its entirety. Thanks for the exposition
As I’ve read several chapters, I have thought about the lessons I learned in communicating from my dad. My dad is a professor of the very best kind: one who cares just as much for his students as people as he does for what they’re learning academically. I think there’s something in that concern which has helped him become a great communicator to his students. As I read this chapter, in particular, I thought of my dad.
While always paying attention to what the students need to learn to succeed, he teaches in enjoyable ways. He’ll dress up in his graduation robe (PhD robes are impressive & frightening all at once!) or funny costumes at Halloween to make things interesting. He uses real-world examples that apply to college freshmen, talking about what’s going on around campus or in their lives. My parents invite students to their home, attend their concerts & sports events, and more – to help have shared experiences and understand where they’re coming from. He has more friends on facebook than even I do! Al of these ways shine when my dad teaches. As I’ve sat in back as he teaches, sure I’ve seen a few students bobbing their heads to stay awake (probably more about what they did last night!), but I can tell something’s different in this classroom. The students enjoy it!
As I teach others (large-group sessions on Bible study, or writing training docs for our church online) I try to keep this idea of being interesting forefront. It’s amazing how much a little humor or simple things to be relevant to real-life can help adults better understand key concepts and make realistic changes. I’m glad my dad lives such an example about this!
Hey John,
Fantastic Chapter! As a speaker, I perform bullying prevention assemblies in High Schools (www.iengage.ca). When a group of 500 high school students gets a break from class, the last thing they want to do is listen to a speaker for an hour. Often when I begin to speak, students are conversing with each other, listening to their iPods, or sending text messages to their friends. If I don’t capture their attention in the first 15 seconds, they won’t be paying attention for the rest of the hour. So I like to throw the audience off balance a little at the beginning of the presentation. Usually, whoever has introduced me has asked the audience to give me a round of applause. So the first thing I say when I take the microphone is “Well, I have been to a lot of schools but I think that was the worst round of applause I have ever heard.” This catches the audience off guard. It’s not what they were expecting. But now they are paying attention- did he just say that? Inevitably someone will begin to clap loudly and everyone will join in. “Louder!” I insist. This breaks the ice, gets the crowd laughing and gives me a good launching point into my session.
Also, I found a couple of typos:
Movement physically gives everyone a quick break from the routine.
(I prefer “Physical Movement gives everyone…)
John F. Kennedy—“Ask not what you can do for your country can do for. Ask what you can do for your country.”
(Should read: Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what you can do…)
“As I came to realize the importance of how you something is worded, I worked at it more, but to be honest, my early efforts were a little bit clunky.”
(Should read: As I came to realize the importance of how something is worded…)
By the time the breakfast rush has subsided, they have avoided two near-collisions on the freeway, found notes on their desk from their bosses, and they have forgotten another 10 percent.
(I think it should read: By the time the breakfast rush has subsided, they have avoided two near-collisions on the freeway and found notes on their desk from their bosses, they have forgotten another 10 percent.)
Mr. Maxwell,
Thanks for this opportunity.
I found Chapter 8 to be a good read. it flows well and it filled with several good points that the reader can use. Whether an experienced speaker or a new speaker, Chapter puts the important things in the right order. It is much deeper then the K.I.S.S . method as it encourages the reader to think ahead and “feel” how his/her words will be received and what emotion will be in tow.
I have found the most success when I open with a magic trick as this small visual is unexpected from a dude in a suit at a business setting. This gets everyone’s attention early and they listen well and watch my body language in hopes of another surprise. Your Chapter 8 reminds us all the importance to know the audience and then to practice our delivery.
Hi John, Please avoid dragging the reader along in a maze of words before you make your point. Grab the readers, shake them up with some examples, then claim them down with a number of solutions.
I enjoyed reading your 8th chapter. In my trainings I normally would share to my audience a motivation quote tailor made to inspire them
based on the topic being discussed..
One that I used in my public speaking class was: “you can’t control what people think of you, yet you can control what you think of people,
think positive allows positive outcome”. Besides the theory shared, a strong mental map stimulating confidence and acceptance of a non perfect communication in my opinion is the key to a better communication forward.
In the waiting for chapter 9.
note; miss typo on John F. Kennedy quote
Best/donna
Great material! I’m regret that I am joining the process only now, having missed the first 7 chapters!
I agree with Kim; there is room for one more point. Steven Covey left out the 8th habit when he wrote the 7 habits book; you have room in this chapter for the 8th point. In honor of it being the 8th chapter, sort of. And I know that you try to include this 8th point as well; perhaps you were just saving it for another chapter.
Kim said it this way: “Have thorough knowledge on the subject you are about to speak on”
I would alter that a bit to “Have a passion for knowledge on the subject that you are about to speak to.”
To me, being passionate about the topic implies being thoroughly informed. Passionate speakers can engage an audience and can tie together disparate facts in interesting ways.
When I first tried to complete my interrupted college experience, I had to take an American History class. I had about as much interest in American history as a cat has with swimming lessons, but requirements are requirements. Imagine my surprise when the instructor made it come alive! It was the right-after-lunch class that often suffers the carb crash effect, so a lot of my peers were snoozing… but I was eating it all up (the lecture, that is – not the lunch!).
I got to fill in for the pastor once; I gave a sermon on how the words we speak can change the world around us. I had been studying the topic and had a 36-slide PowerPoint and 20 minutes to preach. I knew that it was tight; I had a lot of ground to cover and a short time to get there, so I made it a point to make sure the audience was engaged. As I rushed through it, I was delighted to discover that they were indeed rapt; the whole time I spoke, there was no one nodding off or even looking at their watches. Imagine my surprise and chagrin when I finished up and looked at the clock – I had gone an entire hour! My passion had held them against the cares of this life, like lunch and the traditional Sunday afternoon nap.
I have been the passionate speaker, and the audience of a passionate speaker, and from both sides, I have to say that passion is to presentation as taste is to food. Food can nourish without being tasty, and a presentation can educate without passion… but in either case, why?
First of all I’d like to say what a great chapter this is. I personally have got some good nuggets of advice on how to really engage with others whilst speaking- thank you!
Second, I noticed a typo in the section titled ‘Be the communicator you want to hear’. The 2nd paragraph reads “…represents the kind or speaker they would like to see.” but surely should read “kind of speaker”.
Thanks again for sharing your wisdom and insight on this subject.
God bless you!
I have a couple stories that could be used in several places. The first one’s best place would probably be in the shocking/humor catagory and the second in the visual.
Story 1 – When I was a young pastor at a small church in Indiana I was preaching on the Sunday before Memorial Day. I wanted to grab their attention and be funny at the same time. So being young and nieve I said, “I’m going to say a name and you yell out what you remember about them.” I said, “Bobby Knight” and got varied comments, I metioned some historical people and got the expected comments, and then I said Laraine Bobbit. At first you could have heard a pin drop, then the place exploded in laughter and I said, “you don’t have to answer that one.” I had their attention and went into a message on remembering what Jesus did for us.
Story 2 – I was preaching on when the nice lady took a jar of perfume that was worth a year’s wage and poured it on Jesus feet and wiped his feet with her hair. I wanted them to understand that there are times in life to be extravagant and break a vase. I wanted to grab my congregations attention with a visual example so I put a vase in a clear plastic bag and smashed it with a hammer. The only problem was I was so amped up I really smashed it hard and the bag popped open and glas flew everywhere. Of course the congregation was in hysterical laughter as I tried to gather myself. I learned right then and there its a good idea to test out you eye grabbing visual experiments before you actually use them.
I’ve been following you on Twitter and previously skipped over the inviations to read the finished chapters of your book. With a little time on my hands, I decided to check out Chapter 8. Wise decision! Great information. Thanks for the preview and I look forward to reading the entire book once published.
A few typos: Under Communicate In Their World – first paragraph, last sentence “So she asked her husband to take change his diaper.”
Under Say It So It Sticks – John F. Kennedy—“Ask not what you can do for your country can do for. Ask what you can do for your country.”
There was one more that I saw, however I don’t remember what section it was in. I’m sure your proofreaders will discover it once you submit the final draft.
Thanks for the experience of previewing Chapter 8. It contains information that I really needed.
Hi, good day!
Again, great chapter; an experience I have enjoy.
As everything in life, as you more practice, you more learn, and sometimes we need to make mistake just lo learn how to improve our communications.
Regarding the point “Find a Way to Be Original” I want to share two ways:
- Surprise Factor
Use something the audience don’t expect and could surprise five senses: present at the end a person you talked about, make some impact with physical environment.
- Physical objects explanations
Bring something to show that can be remembered as unusual: a piece of coal and explain how it convert in a diamond.
Thanks a lot for this opportunity
Blessing
Alejandro Pozo, Monterrey-México
John, this is one of your best chapters so far. One quick suggestion. Under 5. Say It So It Sticks . . . the examples are great (i.e Patrick Henry, Nathan Hale, Abraham Lincoln, Winston Churchill, etc.) What about adding 2 or 3 more recent ones to identify with younger readers? Bill Clinton, “It’s the economy stupid.” Barack O’ Bama, “Yes we can!” etc. I’m sure you can find better and more recent quotes. Just a thought. Thanks again!
What a breath of fresh air! And perfect timing. I am sitting here preparing for a speech at Rivier College in Nashua NH. When the business chair told me that they would have all the equipment for my powerpoints and the podium my energy dropped. Of course they would, that is the way most of us do it, isn’t it? I do it diffently, I like your stool approach as I want to be with instead of my in front of my audiances, I want to engage, discuss, laugh and learn together. We are all smarter together. A story brings intrigue, lures everyone into the conversation and your ideas on how to best communicate resonate with my natural style (which I thought was wrong all these years according to platform speakers) however the feeling I and my audiances leave with tell me this is untrue. I don’t mean to share about myself but to simply applaud the authentic voice of your writing as I suspect there are many speakers like me ready to break out of the traditional and instead have the courage, not to be known as the expert, but as a learning party with the audiance and to faciliate an emotional experience that binds and connects us together as humans. May all of those millions of powerpoints disappear so we can return to the intriguing “around the fire” story telling and engagement we once so enjoyed.
Dear John,
I truly enjoyed reading this chapter! It has provided me with tons of insight into what it takes to connect with others. I never thought of the fact that what we say can truly make a difference in someone’s life. And how we say it affects how that is perceived. We need to choose our words wisely and make it about others, not ourselves.
This sentence was a little confusing: “Brent Filson’s book Executive Speeches contains advice on speaking from fifty-one CEOs.” Perhaps it can be updated to something like this: “Brent Filson’s book Executive Speeches contains speaking advice from fifty-one CEOs.”
Under 2.Communicate in their World–“So she asked her husband to take change his diaper.” Shouldn’t this be “So she asked her husband to change his diaper.”?
I wonder if you can include ideas on what to do if (as a speaker) you make an obvious mistake while in the process of trying to connect to your audience. What has your experience been in the past? Do you go on with your speech as if nothing happened? Does it add more value to your speech if you admit it as it only shows your audience that you’re human just like them? Does it discredit you because you’re supposed to be knowledgeable and perfect? I think many of us may have no clue as to what to do in these situations and any advice will be helpful.
Thanks for this wonderful gift of allowing us to provide feedback on your upcoming best-seller! You truly care about others and know how to connect!
I don’t usually connect to people and I usually keep things to myself until I am pressed by my surroundings.
In the ’90′s because of difficulty living in the Philippines I begun to join networking business, begun listening to mentors, begun marching to the book stores and picking books that interest me until I picked on John’s books. From then on I won’t forget my first encounter on one book. “The Success Journey” and indeed it is my beginning to connect to something and I like John’s book. Formal education really have the big crunch in someones life so I’m so delighted with the technology that I can speak to John even here.
So I bet that we become who we really thinks of ourselves for as the saying tells us that “as a man thinketh so is he.”
Today I read from John Maxwell that “when students can’t understand their professor, they often assume it’s because the professor is so smart and knows so much more than they do. I don’t think that’s always true. More often in such cases the teacher isn’t a good communicator.While educators often take something simple and make it complicated, communicators take something complicated and make it simple.” This gives me back to memory why instructor or teachers acted the way they are and whom I learn much and less.
Educators in our formal education contributed part of who we become whether they become good or poor mentors. The difference they made should have been translated by us to find the best supplement for the making of our life.
Today, whether you’re young or old becoming a professional student for life will little by little brings you to the big league where the people you appreciated are leveling life. This makes me thankful of always reading and following Ralph Marston daily motivators, reading on John Maxwell books on leadership, digging on Robert Kiyosaki’s lessons about the rich and poor and listening to the messages given by Joel Osteen and recently Kong Hee.
Finally I couldn’t forget my first lessons about the bubble of life and the sounds it made when I was just in my mothers womb. God have protected me there and showed the discomfort it made, when I was getting bigger and bigger inside every day. When it’s beyond comfort, there I was born into the world to the applause of my father and delight of my mother.
One thing I learned in Toastmaster is how to break the ice in making speeches. One thing I think you should remind readers is when using quotes to properly tell the audience where the quote came from. It’s plagiarism not to. Thank so much for this chapter.
Hello John,
An excellent and helpful chapter on communicating with others. I especially enjoyed your creative ideas on “re-engaging” your audience. Also, I thoroughly enjoyed your vulnerability in the text. Coming from such a fantastic communicator, it’s refreshing to hear that you were once struggling with the issue of capturing an audience’s attention as well!
One quick thought. I love to use humor in my sermons to my students, and I often use some of the experience I gained while on an improv team in college. I’ve learned that timing is one of the key elements when it comes to delivering, and I have a fairly good sense for it.
In this quote,
“Honey,” he answered, “I do that to ask God to help me with my sermon.”
The little girl thought for a minute and replied, “Daddy, then why doesn’t he?”
I believe eliminating the word “Daddy” would make a big comedic difference. Why? The timing feels better; it gives the reader less time to ‘see it coming’, and the surprise (the humorous part) is maximized.
Thank you for sharing the chapter, John.
This chapter is a big reminder that the best way to effectively connect with people, whether verbally or in written form, is to take the focus off of “self” and sincerely focus on “them”.
When someone truly desires to serve others and add value to them, implementing the ideas put forth in this chapter are a joy and not a chore.
Great insights as always!
The best advice I ever heard about public speaking came from my grandfather. He always encouraged me to practice public speaking, because he said it will serve you well no matter what you do. His advice: “always tell them what you’re going to say, then tell them, and finally tell them what you told them.”
It’s very simple and effective. It’s effective for two reasons: first, it forces you to focus your message. But second, by the last step — telling them what you told them — you are reinforcing your credibility and the credibility of your message because you did exactly what you said you were going to do.
Kenneth Karpay, President, Karpay Diem LLC, Management consultant, http://www.linkedin.com/myprofile?trk=hb_side_pro
Dear John,
Thank you for sharing Chapter 8 and for the opportunity to share a recent story about Mitch.
Mitch
While waiting for church service to begin, our 13-year old son, Jeremiah, was tapping his feet (as bored teenagers often do) and getting ready to beg the tiresome question, “when is mass going to start?”. When just as the words were ready to slip off his tongue, a frail man in his 80’s crouched over in his seat, gleaned over at us and said, “young man, I have something for you.” The enthusiastic warm smile and brilliance gleaning from this frail man’s aged eyes captured our son’s attention and began to draw all of us into the mystery of what was so important that this man wanted to share with our son.
The frail man attempted to get out of his seat to meet our son halfway in the aisle but was quickly reminded that his worn out body needed the assistance of a strong adult to lift him. So, he simply settled back in the chair and eagerly waited for Jeremiah to sit down next to him.
As Jeremiah walked over and sat down, the frail man leaned into him slightly extending his right hand, as any gentleman of his age would do, and warmly introduced himself to this budding teenager. “Hi young man, my name is Mitch. I’m so glad to meet you. You seem to be a fine young man.” “Thank you, Sir. My name is, Jeremiah, and it is a pleasure to meet you as well,” our son replied. Mitch proceeded, “you see I have something special and I’d like to give this to you.” Just as Jeremiah was ready to respond, Mitch reached into his pocket and pulled out a special coin with a unique inscription. Jeremiah graciously accepted the coin with great curiosity and politely asked, “sir, why is this coin so important?”. Mitch bounced back, “please, please call me Mitch”. At ease Jeremiah asked, “Mitch, why is it so important that I have this special coin?”.
Well, that was just the opening Mitch was waiting for. Mitch proceeded to share the most incredible story of how he obtained the coin during his travels to Rome and Italy with his beloved wife (now deceased). He spoke humbly about fulfilling his wife’s life-long dream to meet the Pope and continued to share funny stories captivating Jeremiah and his dad and mom, about how they had to overcome numerous obstacles while on their trip to meet the Pope. Mitch proceeded to share that while waiting to meet the Pope one afternoon, a stranger whom he had met outside the church who also traveled to Rome and was waiting to see the Pope, gave him these unique coins. The stranger stated that the coins with the inscription, “god is with you”, was to serve as a reminder to the holder that God is with you always and that when the recipient of these coins received an answer to prayer or a blessing, that they were to pass along the coin. Mitch proceeded to share how he passed many of those coins along through the years, especially during the war, to family and friends, each one with a unique story (and with a range of emotion) and recently came across this remaining coin. Mitch said that he had prayed that the Lord would show him who to share it with and that’s when the sparkle in Mitch’s eyes became even brighter. As he slowly leaned ever closer to Jeremiah said, “and that’s why I would like to give this to you. You see this is my last coin and I want to ensure that the next person who receives this will be blessed and will be able to pass it on for many generations to come.”
Who knows when Jeremiah will have the opportunity to visit these places, but thanks to Mitch’s passion, at least he was able to see the highlights. While Jeremiah expressed his sincerest thank-you for the coin, under my breath I whispered, “thank you God for placing Mitch in our path today and for teaching Jeremiah the true lesson that connectors selflessly build other connectors…..at any age”
Mitch didn’t have Facebook or Twitter or any other special platform to share his story and create a fascinating experience for Jeremiah that evening. He didn’t need it! He genuinely and simply gave, sharing something larger than himself.
Mitch may never know the true impact he made on Jeremiah’s life that night, but then again he’s a wise 80 year’s young…….maybe he did!
Thank you,
Judy White, The Infusion Group, LLC
Hi Dr. John:
The first thing that came to mind when I started to read this chapter was the SUBJECT.
I have to acknowledge you as one of my mentors and let me tell you that no matter how boring this blog design is, and I’m certain it could become more attractive, but my reason to being here is not to have a delight in what I see; I’m here because what you say it’s worth the time.
So, we could paraphrase that and say that without a proper message to communicate, no matter how funny a speaker is, as you always say, you have to add value to others (That would be SOMETHING valuable for listeners or readers to acquire).
It’s true that at a church, children don’t seem to have fun, and it’s a real challenge to learn to communicate in such a way to catch their attention as well, but from my point of view, as a speaker you have to be really passionate not only about HOW you’re going to tell your story, but most of all, WHAT is that story that you’re going to share with others.
I always remember Dale Carnegie’s HOW TO WIN FRIENDS AND INFLUENCE PEOPLE when he says that no matter how delicious a dessert can be to him, when he goes to fish he has to think about what fish like to eat.
So, I believe that if you have a great communicator with SOMETHING so fascinating to give on to others, that SOMETHING will go on and on, just as it was with the Gospel of Jesus Christ.
In fact, He is so good at speaking, that the little ones wanted to be in touch with Him.
Thank you so much for giving us this great chance of interact with those wonderful ideas of yours.
Javier,
Bariloche, Argentina.
Refreshing, Enjoyable, Encapturing and full of Wisdom.
“People won’t be interested if you look interesting but they will if you look interested”
THANK YOU AGAIN JOHN
You might want to fix this sentence:
So she asked her husband to take change his diaper.
Under the heading: Use a Shocking Statement or Statistic.
One of my favorite anonymous quotes regarding statistics is that “37.5% of all statistics are made up on the spot.” It always gets a laugh!
Thank you John for “Putting the cookies on the lower shelf” especially in Chapter 8 – ‘Connectors Create an Experience Everyone Enjoys’. I have sent the link to this chapter to everyone in my Toastmasters group for tips and insights on speaking that will help each of us connect better with our listeners. One of the best things I have learned from listening to you speak on dozens of occasions is that you don’t hold anything back from your listeners, you throw your heart over the bar with such conviction and sincerity that your audience wants to jump over with you. Thanks John for leading the way and sharing these invaluable insights on speaking! Your friend Duke!
Hi John, just found this great interactive site wow!
OK here goes on one of my favourite subjects..
Not convinced that most people learn visually. In my experience people learn through listening, seeing and taking action. The learning that seems to stick is when people put things into practice. If you are going to make the most out of any communication then the more senses you involve the better chance you have of making it stick.
If the sense of the connection or communication is to both engage as well as persuade then we do well to remember that there are two types of ways in which we can influence people; one is using logic and the second is emotion. Depending on the communication style of the individual (and we are all different) one is more likely to be more effective than the other. In a small group we can figure which are the logical decision makers and which the emotional version and then use our skills to deliver facts and feelings in the right balance.
And finally (well maybe, I’m expressive!) a story…
I asked a participant on a coaching prgram with me about the new car he had just bought and decided to use it as a method to demonstrate his communication style. The car was a shiny new BMW 5 Series with every possible extra. I asked him why he chose that make and model of car and he started with a list something like this;
1. It is very fuel efficient and despite being a big car will do over 30 highway mpg
2. It has 24 air bags so in the event of a crash him and his family will be in good shape
3. The depreciation of this car is the lowest in the model market
4. Servicing costs are also at their lowest in their sector
5. It has GPS so he’ll never get lost (he lives on a small Caribbean island)
6. Reliability is in the 5* rating
And so he went on. You would probably be thinking that this man is a logical decision maker and of course you would be very wrong. I challenged him as to the real reason he bought the car and he gave me a strange look, then a grin broke out. “Ah, you mean because its the first one on the block and better than my old bosses car”. Finally he admits it was an emotional decision. Emotional decision makers still use logic, but only to justify their emotional decisions!
Mark Sanborn’s, ENCORE EFFECT, essentially has the same message. Make every interaction an encore performance, leaving your audience wanting more…Of course, we don’t always have the energy for such a performance….
I predict this will be the most valuable chapter for me and probably thousands of other teachers and public speakers. Have you considered contacting Microsoft to suggest they add “clip jokes” and “clip stories” to go with the “clip art” feature in PowerPoint? Also, maybe the 7 tips in this chapter could be integrated with the help feature. (Imagine the royalties you would collect!)
John, Thank you for this very important chapter. I believe the main point you are underscoring here is that we, as listeners, are people who want to feel accepted and valued by those we choose to listen to. I have listened to many a speaker throughout my career and I always ask myself these questions when they start. (I think we all do!) Is the reason this person is here all about him/her or me? Is it that person’s worth-pedestal or mine they want to strengthen? It doesn’t take long to find out who they are interested in once they start.
I must relay this personal story from March 2009 when you spoke at the WFG convention in Los Angeles which I attended.
You came on stage, grabbed your stool and plopped it down and comfortably slid into it as if it were an old friendly recliner at home.
I reviewed my notes I took and there is nothing about what you said in the first five minutes. All I took notes on was what you did.
The first thing you did was to “connect with the audience” by saying that you were a “family man”. You were “relaxed” and “told personal stories”, “smiled alot”, “told jokes”, “made me laugh”, “he has my attention”, “now he is teaching me”.
You built that all important relationship of immediate trust with me in that audience and I heard everything you said after that.
Those of us in the sales industry must adapt that same process to making that critical connection with our prospective client. That requires us to become skilled at being able to meet them where they are at.
One thing I always use to remind myself that we are all different and that I must respect and seek to understand those differences between me and my audience is not forgetting the phrase Paul Simon used in a song many years ago, “One man’s ceiling is another man’s floor.”
As you stated, the responsibility on you and those of us trying to make that connection with each of our audiences is huge. If we care alot about our audience then we must work hard to prepare how we implement that connection process. As emphasized by you and the reader response, careful consideration of verbage, phrasing and delivery can make you or break you.
Your “connection” book continues to send the message that effective communications and connecting in any relationship is no one else’s responsibility but mine. Thank you for this great reminder.
PLEASE READ THIS:
While we can learn a lot from a book, we also can take a lot of lessons from a film. A good film about communication also, I think, is “The Great Debaters”.
They connect and create an experience (speech) everyone enjoys without trying to please everyone―which is difficult to do. “Remember,” says Susan Ariel Rainbow Kennedy (SARK), “to delight yourself first, then others can be truly delighted.”
Perhaps, the word ‘enjoy’ was derived from the word ‘en’ (Like ‘en’ for ‘enthusiasm’: in, inside) and ‘joy’. So, we’ll try to make everyone to sense hope, love, joy through our message or communication.
: )
Thank you, Dr. John C. Maxwell.
Greetings from Jakarta, Indonesia!
Great Chapter John! the words that came to mind when I thought of great Communicators included yours and the words “inspiring” such as being inspired or motivated to apply something to my life. Loved the parts about learning how to communicate in someone else’s world, and loved the letter from your audience! My only recommendation would be to remove the word “you” from the paragrah that starts with “Early in my career…” so that it would read “….how something is worded,” I belive that would flow better. Thank you for opportunity to participate, I look forward to purchasing and checking out the final product! Terry
Wow, Pastor John you always do bring the food to the table; subsequently, hardly ever leaving me hungry. I am a 23 year old Communication Studies college student and have been reading your books for several years now. Without your permission I have borrowed a ton of your quotes and stories, please forgive me. The fact that you do have such a broad audience is a true testament that you do know how to ‘Create an Experience Everyone Enjoys’.
There are two facets of communication that I always try and keep in mind when trying to connect to everyone. The first one is planning ahead for an audience. For it was not raining when Noah started building the ark. I believe that if we plan ahead and set our sights on being more ‘interested’ in the audience than we are of being ‘interesting’ to the audience then that will enable us to connect to a much wider variety of personalities.
Secondly, I go by a method that I like to call E.M.T. (Expect Mighty Things) If we walk around worrying about tripping over sidewalk curbs, then our chances of tripping are greatly increased. Adversely, the effect can be the same when you think positively. If one goes into a presentation confidently Expecting Mighty Things, then one might just hear a siren.
Clemson, SC
The quote by JFK has an omission: John F. Kennedy—“Ask not what your country can do for. Ask what you can do for your country.” Need to add “you” at the end of the first sentence.
As always: excellent and usable content.
Having spent years as a communicator to children, youth and adults I have tried to remember that there are a variety of learning styles. Simplified, they are visual, auditory, kinetic, and blended. I make it a point to appeal to each learning style in each presentation. A slide, prop or lighting effect for the visual; a story or song for the auditory; a physical touch, gesture, or hand motion for the kinetic. The blended will adapt to all of these.
In response to “Be Interesting” how about “Be Interested”? In my desire to take responsibility for the audience, do I take an interest in them? Do I make eye contact? Do I create a canvas upon which I invite them to paint with the creativity of their response? Do I know my subject well enough that I will not have to read it, but can use the space of the stage or platform to help me communicate my message and only visit my notes for lengthy quotes or detailed facts (which shouldn’t be presented without visual support anyhow).
Jim Pierson, my college speech teacher, taught us to divide an audience into no less than six sections and make sure to visit those sections regularly and with a variety of patterns. That advice has served me well for 30+ years with small classes, seminars, and in large auditoriums. Repeatedly I have received the praise of “being personal” and “I felt you were speaking with me not at me”.
Thank you for the influence you have had upon me and so many others. Keep talking with us and not at us.
[...] This post was Twitted by oliverascott [...]
Hi John, I like two of the things most in this chapter, and also like to add some points
it.
1. Communicate in their word, and “also wear in their uniform” if possible:
This is important as this will make the connection eassier.
Also if possible, dress up the similar dress code will help to bridge the gap with
the audience.
However, if there is a mixture of the different background of the audience, we should find
out the percentage of the background, and communicate in their in their word in different
background.
2. Activate your audience
I would like to quote the followings:
normal teachers explain to the students
good teachers demonstrate to the students
great teachers inspire students
Activate your audience is to demonstrate the audience, and immediately activate
them for them to know your demonstration better.
In addition, after activation, inspire them for the hihger level of learning.
I found something that may need to be written differently. (?)
2. Communicate in Their world
“So she asked her husband to take change his diaper.”
Maybe “So she asked her husband to change his diaper”, or “So she asked her husband to take him and change his diaper”
Just an observation. Great book by the way. I cannot wait until it comes out for sale!
Thanks,
JP
Great chapter. Concerning listening to what is said before you, so you can comment on it.
I used to be a part of a comedy team. Often we were asked to put on a sketch between 2 speakers.
Invariably, the biggest laughs came when we took a line out of the previous speakers sermon and put a comedic twist to it. It really served 2 purposes. Got a laugh for us but also helped cement that truth to the hearers.
Hi John, First of all I thank you for giving wonderful series of chapters to help a shy guy like me. You started building head, hand, legs, body for your book in various chapters and this chapter is like ‘Invaluable Crown’ to those earlier chapters.
Title of this chapter reminds me verses from 2000 year old book in Tamil –
1. ‘Tis speech that spell-bound holds the listening ear,
While those who have not heard desire to hear.
2. If there be those who can speak on various subjects in their proper order and in a pleasing manner, the world would readily accept them.
– Translation by G.U.Pope , 1959.
From nicely elaborated paragraphs in this chapter, I could make out real life meaning of above 2 quotes.
When I was child, I was overly shy. I was afraid of talking to a stranger, even to relatives and my parents considered it as character of a ‘good boy’ LOL. Of late it caused lot of trouble when I moved to college. I could not mingle/communicate and connect with other students and teachers. I felt I was useless & can not achieve success like others.
I came out of it to some extent. But even now, sometimes I feel I am adamantly sitting in innermost circle of my communication and connection skill which causes lot of frustration about me. After reading all your chapters now I started applying the techniques slowly and feeling better. Thanks for your kind help in bringing this book interactive manner. Otherwise it would have taken another few years for me till I get this book in my hand in Paperbook format.
Thanks once again,
S.Babou
Hi John,
Chapter 8- Say It So It Sticks, after the quotes there is this line you might want to check out: (As I came to realize the importance of how you something is worded,)
Also I really appreciate the gift you are giving us all by allowing to be involved in this book, this is exactly what I have been waiting for and being a part of it is very exciting and I can’t wait to add another book to the library.
I have a short story to share about communicating, As my pastor took the pulpit one Sunday going over Romans he paused and started telling a story of when he was a Highway Patrol Officer, and I know the story was about taking accountability for your actions but he made it real fun to hear it went like this: When I was a Highway Patrol Officer I used to see people always in such a hurry rushing down the freeways but as soon as they would pass my car on the side of the road I would almost always see brake lights at that point I would get on the freeway and follow them for a while and I know what the would say “please Lord don’t let me get a ticket I promise not to speed any more.” Their hands securely at 10 and 2 sitting straight up, then I would get off at the off ramp just to get back on and a majority of them would speed up as soon as they saw me get off and I would pull them over and they would get a ticket and they knew why… And then he got back it to the sermon but it was the perfect way to connect with almost everyone and not to point fingers at anyone and do it in a shocking and humorous and to keep everyone’s attention.
Thank you for your leadership and gifts you share with everyone.
John, an interesting thought on someone I know you knew. One of the single most engaging presenters I have ever seen in my life passed away on Monday. The awesome Paul J Meyer (RIP Paul). I have seen him present in person a number of times (he also did me the honour of writing the foreword to my book Ask Leadership). He breaks almost every ‘rule’ of presenting.
1. He stands and is usually at a lectern (creating a barrier)
2. He does not ‘interact’, he gives speeches
3. He is not relaxed, more like a pent up spring!
4. Occassional use of humour, but very dry
5. Doesn’t warm up or introduce himself
6. Most stories are about him
7. Repeats messages
8. Is relatively ‘monotone’
However, he keeps people on their seats, right on the edge and when he’s finished your are in awe, with 2-3 key things in your head, stuck there.
How does (sorry, should be ‘did’) he do it.
1. Passion – he has such a deep belief in what he has to say and loves to present it so much, that you are ‘infected’
2. You feel like he is talking to you (even if you are with 2-300 other people). Great scanner and eye contacter.
3. His stories are mostly about himself and so his credibility is 100%+
4. He has Charisma! Ah, if I could bottle that I would be a millionaire.
As I said, RIP Paul, still don’t see you in the past tense! You’ll be motivating and connecting with them in heaven right now!
I read last weeks post, but failed to comment. I am an educator, and I agreed with much of what was said…..Back to this week.
What a concept – strive to be what you like to see! – Simple – but not easy.
I was reflecting as I read about teaching my classes. Do I tell enough stories? Do I put the material at their level? Do I capture their attention from the beginning every day? Catching their attention from the start every day is a challenge as a teacher, but I should probably stive to do that. I love to use humor and I know it is effective. I think you need to let the audience (especially in the classroom) – you have been where they are….you know how they feel and the way the think.
This chapter was great. I am looking forward to the next one.
This is another great chapter about connecting. When I spoke to an audience at a state science conference, I asked the audience at the end why they chose my session to attend. The answers were they liked the title, they heard that my previous session was interesting, they were interested in the information. I did involve volunteers from the audience to demonstrate an activity. Also, I have been in presentations where there is a question time from members of the audience. This is a great way to connect to the audience.
I only saw one error I would change. The word it is used. I was taught not to use the word it in my doctoral class. Instead of using the word it, say what it is.
Thanks again, Sandy
When I was a child, I wanted to be a magician. While reading my magicians book, there is one thing I remember learning about performers : they always leave their audience wanting more.
So, you may want to mention that keeping it focused is important – don’t ramble all around and don’t drag the subject to exhaustion. I notice that many speakers use some form of outline or index cards or some tool to keep them on track. They don’t read from them, they just refer to them. It’s just a bunch of milestones on the journey (like using a GPS, “turn right at the next intersection).
Also, I like your mention of stories, they are so powerful!
Hi John and thank you for sharing the early version of your upcoming book. I have to admit I feel a little “naughty” seeing it before it hits the stands, but not naughty enough to stop reading.
Thank you also for the opportunity to share my opinion on what it means to form a connection. It is appreciated.
Connecting with someone simply means allowing yourself to be vulnerable in front of others. It’s not through our victories that we form a connection, it’s in the sharing of our failures and how we’ve bounced back from adversity that we spark hope and inspiration in those around us.
Please continue to be a GREAT connector in our lives. I will never get enough!
Dana Hayes
Team Leader
Keller Williams Realty Northwest Louisiana
Hi!
Great chapter indeed! I can’t agree more when about the part that it is INDEED that speakers should take up the responsibilities to connect with the audience. Sometimes, it is just frustrating that people don’t put in enough effort to ‘simplify’ the matter to make it understandable, rather, they themselves gets annoyed that we don’t understand their messages.
There’s this instance in my office when my supervisor is trying to communicate a massage to a foreign colleague of mine on an issue, and after saying her piece, the colleague doesn’t get what she is trying to say and then my supervisor flared up immediately without taking effort to explain further “Why don’t you understand? Are you listening at all?”, then she starts telling us and the manager that she is unable to work with this colleague etc.
Since I was there, I knew what was going on, and I just thought that shouldn’t the ‘home-based’ people suppose to let people from other places feel home and teach them their ‘lingos’ etc rather than expecting them to ‘already know it’ already?
It was without a doubt my supervisor either lacked in communication skills or she has prejudiced against the colleague. I should get her this book when it’s published! :p
Great Chapter it has been John!
Looking forward to your book
Loves,
Becca
Singapore
keeping it simple and clear makes it easier for other people to understand you
A speech as opposed to what most people think is a multi-layered dialogue. A dialogue between you and every single person in the audience. Their responses can be read by looking at their faces, reading their body languages. Responding to their non-verbal comminication is important because a monolugue wil always be boring.
Hi John, thank for giving me opportunity to share with others.
Thorough and In depth knowledge with simple language (or plain English):
I like the idea that was brought up by others on thorough knowledge, but in
addition thorough and in depth knowledge. What I mean the thorough knowlege
are general knowledge, and in depth knowledge are the special knowledge.
(a) general knowledge – most people know it, like general practitioner
(b) special knowledge – some people know it, like specialist.
In connecting, most audiences will agree on the general knowledge, so start with general
knowledge, and slowly move into special knowledge. In communicate with special
knowledge, most speaker may tend to fall into “trap of complexity”, i.e. using
complex terminology or words to connect. To create interest, is to use simple
words as possible to speak on special or complex knowledge.
One of my personal experience (note, this was about ten years ago, and it may not true now):
I was educated in Chinese language in primary and secondary school, even with
my standard of Chinese, I could hardly read and understand Chinese book on Buddism
ten years ago. However, some of the English writers
were so good in explaning the Buddism in “plain English”, and they had created interest
for me to read on their writing. My interest on Buddism was from reading the English
book but not from Chinese books.From this example, you will know how important is the
simple language that create interest for the readers or audiences to enjoy the
communication.
In addition:
It is important before or during the communication, the speaker should also find out
what is the knowledge level of the audiences, so he can address different levels
of his speech to capture different groups of the audiences.
I think capturing people’s attention is most impotant when you first being your speech. I see a great difference when starting with a saying or joke.
I agree that teeling stories connects the audience they are much more engaged.
If “she asked her husband to change his diaper”, I have this mental image of the husband in a diaper. And it needs to be changed. Ewww. This is where you get to do the difficult work of making sure your audience cannot miss the intended antecedent of the pronoun…
Wow, what a chapter!! You are so right when you say that we must communicate in the listener’s world. As a 9-1-1 professional, we often get the opportunity to explain what we do to citizen groups. In my world, we use acronyms such as NCIC, VCIN, PSAP, E-9-1-1, NG-911, etc. One of the things that I always have to guard against when speaking to these groups is the use of the acronyms. When I speak to them in a way that bridges their world and mine, I find that their expressions change and you can clearly see the interest on their faces.
In Him,
Hershel
When Ron and I started at Community College in my hometown of El Dorado, AR, we didn’t know each other, but we both remember the same thing about our first day of Biology. Our professor’s first words out of his mouth that day…not “hello”…not “my name is…”…his first words were “Is a snail darder worth a dam”. We have talked about that shocking event of a teacher cursing in class…Of course he wasn’t really cursing. He was really asking is the life of the Snail Darder worth building a dam that could potentially improve an area but probably make the snail darder extinct. I have no idea what the outcome of that lecture was…but I’ll never forget the introduction….ha
As an experienced drug and alcohol counselor, I can relate to having an audience that is not interested in what I have to say. They are primarily court-ordered to be in my groups. And, despite this, I am supposed to connect with them on a level that is deep and moving. Keep in mind that many of them have been through several programs similar to mine in the past. Yet, I have found, with the use of a few simple techniques, an otherwise unmotivated audience is suddenly more captivated that most could fathom. Fellow counselors, inters, and other observers are always asking me how this is done. The answer comes in three words: energy, empathy, and enthusiasm. Energy keeps them involved. They feed off of me. It is my responsibility to lead the group. They flow off of me. Empathy is necessary in any counseling setting, but can often be forgotten in a lecture situation. Putting myself in their shoes, I give them hints as to the most important messages and help them to follow along. Finally, enthusiasm plays the most crucial role. Literally translated from the Greek, this word means “a God within.” So, enthusiasm brings an almost spiritual sense to the room when I am lecturing or teaching. It allows me to flow freely with the ideas and stories that come into my mind. Enough practice with these simple tools makes even the most difficult audience clay in the hands of a master sculptor.
This is really engaging (as usual). I’m as excited about what I recognize I have been doing right as the things I am learning to improve upon!
Noticed a typo. In the memorable quotes, it says:
John F. Kennedy—“Ask not what you can do for your country can do for. Ask what you can do for your country.”
It should say:
John F. Kennedy—“Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what you can do for your country.”
John,
I found this chapter very informative and educational. I can relate to it in so many ways. My National Director Jamie Cruse-Virnios is a big fan of yours and qoutes you in her presentations often. That is how I came to be interested in your work and I am learning a lot of your knowlede through her. She has most all the qualities of a good speaker and uses most of the things you describe in your chapter. She is very enthusiastic, full of energy, gets the audience involved and asks questions. She has the audience participate and usually has the Directors help her durin her presentations. She also is funny and puts faith in her speaking which means a lot to me and I think to many others also. Although I have heard many Nationals speak at our Mary Kay Career Conferences, I continue to tell my director, “That was good, but after hearing Jamie speak and being in her presence, no one else gets me as motivated and interested and uplifted as my National Director. Let me say that she got a “D” in public speaking in College. But you sure would not know it today. Also, what has helped me was when I was first starting Mary Kay and was uneasy about speaking in front of others, my director told me, “People don’t care how much you know, they want to know how much you care.” which she heard from Jamie and Jamie heard from someone else and I continue to tell my team members this also. Its a simple statement that communicates a lot and makes us more comfortable speaking. Me being more of a thinker then a feeler at times can effect my communication and spontenaity. I have an Early Childhood degree and I speak in front of many young children with comfort and ease and I can employ a lot of your suggestions in this chapter. I just have to learn to do the same with adults. I am currently a Future Director with Mary Kay, in the process of a divorce to an emotionally abusive and neglectful man who did not try to communicate. I am also a mother to a three year old boy who is my reason for living. I raised two of my sister in laws four kids for the last 5 years and they are now residing with my husband as they are his sister’s children. Although I have a teaching degree, I value constant learning and change and I signed up for classes at my local community college so my son could attend the Child Development Lab there. I can already tell he is going to be a great speaker someday as he is very intelligent and can tell quite a story. He has an awesome memory and catches onto things quickly. I am currently taking “Interpersonal Communications” and “Social Psychology” and I plan to persue my Psychology and or Communications Degree as a single mother and continue to become a Director with Mary Kay and eventually a National. I give so much credit to my Director Kim Reed and My National Director Jamie Cruse-Vrinios for being great communicators and great teachers. Jesus has to be the main part of it all too and I appreciate all your writing and knowledge and education.
Thanks so much and God Bless,
Gina Williamson-Brady
Future Director with Mary Kay Cosmetics
Mother, Teacher and Team Leader
God 1st Family 2nd Career 3rd
wow! can this book get any better? It’s going to be great with the application section!!!
thanks for another great chapter.
My connecting story…
We had a young six year old boy, Ollie (not his real name) in our kids ministry who had been in state care most of his life. His mother committed suicide and his dad was in and out of jail. I decided my weekly goal was to connect with Ollie. Every Sunday I would make sure I spoke words of encouragement to him and every Monday would send him a letter in the mail.
One Sunday I noticed him sitting on the floor at the back of our program separate from the other children. He had a pile of papers that he had spread out in front of him. I watched as he picked the papers up one at a time, pretend to read them, then place it back perfectly in line on the floor.
He refused to participate in the program. All he wanted to do is look at his papers. As I went over to say hello, I noticed my writing on some of the papers. Concerned, I sat down on the floor next to him trying to assess the situation.
“Hi Ollie, What have you got there?” And then it hit me…He had brought all the letters to church I had sent him throughout the term. My eyes filled with tears as he looked at me, holding a letter smeared by the rain and said, “These are my very special letters.”
A few years on, and a number of letters later, I was contacted by a psychiatric children’s hospital where Ollie had been admitted. No visitors were allowed but we were given special permission to visit as one of the only people who had a connection with Ollie.
What a privilege to be able to connect with a child whose world is in chaos and remind him how special he is to God and how loved he is. Always look for a connection!
I suggest the book Stories To Change Lives, by Reg Grant, Professor at Dallas Theological Seminary. The title in itself paints the picture that a speaker has a point or direction and the outcome is to change a life. Andy Andrews does an outstanding job of telling stories. A story grabs the attention. A master storyteller can then effectively relate points because his audience is now waiting for the conclusion which will relate to the points being conveyed.
3 E and 3 H:
I fully agreed on Ryan Carruthers ideas on the 3 E,
E- Energy,
E- Emppathy
E- Enthusiasm
In addition , we need to make connecting and communicating more
enjoyable, these are:
H- Happy (positive passion)
H- Humor
H- Healthy
Humor:
In many cases, humor play a important part in bringing liveliness to connecting.
There was a stories about the humorous Bernard Shaw:
1. Once beautiful British actress proposed marriage to Bernard Shaw.
She said she did not mind his old age and ugliness, and if after marriage,
combine her beauty and the wisdom of Bernard Shaw, their children must be perfect.
In reply to her Bernard Shaw said, “what if the children take my apperance and your
wisdom?”
2. In one dinner party, a capitalist said to Bernard Shaw, ” look at your apperance
(here refer to skiny shape of Bernard Shaw), it really make people believe that all
the British are starving.” Bernard Shaw replied, “look at you, and people will know
why British is suffering from famine.”
Humor turn objection in a “harmonious” way.
Healthy:
In the book title “The organisation of the future” by The Drucker Foundation,
the organisation of the future need to focua on building a healthy organisation.
In some Eastern saying ” healthy is wealthy”, ” a wealthy man may not be a healthy man,
but a healthy man is always a wealthy man”.
Happy:
We need happy to produce good passion. With positive thinking, with right passion,
then connecting and communication will be a happy moment.
Great chapter. Thanks for connecting through the topic and for allowing us to connect to you through our thoughts.
I remember a former staff of Campus Crusade for Christ who said that a message shared from the head, will reach the head of the listeners; while a message shared from the heart, will reach the heart. Everytime I get the opportunity to preach in Church, this thought enables me to focus on the needs of the congregation. I internalize the message assigned to me one to two weeks before the date. Then, on the date itself,I scan the faces of the adults, male & female; the youth, and the children… I get to feel their hurts, their hearts’ desires, and as I speak, I know I connect to the people as their eyes and faces light up with understanding, and the desire and decision for a positive change of mind and heart is achieved. This, I believe, is the true wisdom in connecting. .. and God is glorified! You are blessed, John! Tess Vigan, Malolos, Bulacan, Philippines
Hi Dr. John,
This is a strong and effective chapter. I found one sentence that was unclear. It is the last sentence in the first paragraph of section 2 titled ‘Communicate In Their World’ -
“So she asked her husband to take change his diaper.”
What you describe in this chapter is what I might call “virtual co-active communication.” This is where the communicator gets in the head of the reader or listener in order to have a virtual conversation with them as the work is being created. The bext communicators make great efforts to invlove the audience before the message is communicated- thus a virtual co-active relationship.
By the way, this collaborative method of writing you are using here is a good example of a step beyond virtual co-active communication. It simply transforms the virtual communication to real conversation. I look forward to reading the complete final product.
Blessings,
Tom Cocklereece
Having been in youth ministry for 15 years and sitting through hundreds of conferences and retreats, the largest mistake I see of speakers is that of failing to plan the invitation. Truth demands response. When God gives me a thought or truth to preach on, my next thought is the invitation. What result does God want from the people listening to the truth. The best of salesmen fail miserably if they can’t close.
I can’t emphasize it enough. This is a book that will help everyone to communicate better regardless of what stage they are at. Whether they just started or have been doing it for years and every section always reflects the Core which even though it may seem simple it is also profound.
I’d like to add genuine warmth and genuine interest, and genuine desire to connect. These are qualities our 4 legged friends are most appreciated for. They genuinely want to connect with us–sometimes even to win over those who are not either animal lovers, or particularly interested in them at the moment. They are also genuinely interested in us–they sniff us all over to get a feel for who we are. Asking meaningful questions of people, that highlight who they are, where their strengths lie, uplifts them, and helps us to really get to know them. If we have a desire to really connect on a deeper level with people, it will be recognized, but I think it also needs to be done in measured increments. Having something in common already, is an easier connection. Having Nothing apparently in common, can make it more challenging, until, that is we dig a little deeper into our own selves to look for common ground. One things is for sure we are all human, and we are hard wired to connect with one another. Thank you for posting these chapters. What a gift, and for giving us all the opportunity to use what we perhaps already innately know– is a real gift– helping us to realize what strengths we already do have.
You may want to take a look at this sentence under 5. Say It So It Sticks:
As I came to realize the importance of how you something is worded, I worked at it more, but to be honest, my early efforts were a little bit clunky.
Isadore Sharpe, founder of The Four Seasons Hotels and Resorts, has only one line for the company’s mission statement: The Golden Rule, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” It still works beautifully in business and in connecting on any level.
Taking notes to include in 401 – thank you!
Dear John,
I am a big fan of yours. Thanks for the books In reading this chapter I remember hearing your president Obama speaking on the early days of his campaign. This particular day he was wet and miserable and had to speak to an audience who did not seem too receptive. While wondering how to get started a short lady behind him used to bullhorn to rally the crowd “Fired up, ready to go” and kept repeating it with the audience as echo. After a while, he himself was feeling very charged and ready to deliver. In speaking to an audience recently I used the same term “Fired up, ready to go” and it got my audience’s attention and they were charged and ready to continue. Hope this helps to illustrate your point.
Awesome points in clear, concise words that communicate your meanings quite clearly. Thank you for being open and sharing with your readers. Truly a unique concept that is bringing energy to your work.
Dear John,
Whatever is done in moderation when no one is watching……will be revealed in excess when everyone is.
I sit in congregations and in auditoriums listening to annointed Godly men and women (you included) for inspiration and guidance.
If you sit under the same people long enough their true selves will ooze through them,reguardless how well educated or trained.
I have found that their are many teachers with microphones,but very few shepherds.You may be pleased to know that you are one of the very few.
I’ve experienced pastorial staff saying they are not available for their laymen due to their personal agenda. I’ve seen controlling behaviors with little compassion, while a smile and a joke masks it.
Talking about disconnected! I have many more examples that could address my initial statement. I am blessed to have met a real shepherd who obviously knows how to give excessively in his moderation.
I can say with all i read in this article. I have enough to start my carrer in leadership. I will continue to read you Maxwell. Maybe one day my dream will come true.
I went to my cousin/on my moms side Michael aunts/on his dads side funeral today. Turns out his aunt who he didn’t really know had 11 children. Michael is an only child.
He was overwhelmed to see that he had so many cousins, and two other from his dads other sister.
He’s shy and a connection needed to happen as many were from all locations of united states so i prayerfully decided to be one of the speakers at the open mic. to connect them in just a few short words.
People expressed appreciation for my introducing Michael to them, as they shared that they had no idea that their uncle had a child, etc.
I could not see letting that opportunity go by knowing that they all would have walked out that door as strangers to each other, just as it was when he walked in.
I felt like his aunt and his dad in heaven were watching and at peace for this unplanned connection to have taken place, while all were present.
Thank you so much. You are one of my mentors and personal development coaches.
John,
I regret that it has taken 62 years to find you and your wonderful lessons on leadership. I can only imagine what my life could have been….
Is it too late?
Do you speak to groups of clergymen and women? So many could benefit from your expertise. The congregations would be forever grateful!
I missed the first 7 chapters, but won’t miss any more.
One quick observation I made:
2. Communicate in Their World.
Last sentence in the first paragraph:
“So she asked her husband to take change his diaper.” I don’t believe you want the word take before the word change. That’s the only typo that jumped out at me.
I hope to meet you one day. Thanks for all that you do.
I find it hard to believe you would open up your book for the public to edit and change it. I don’t always like even a few people criticising my work. It is a relief to know that even experienced authors and communicators such as yourself sometimes have problems putting words together.
Hi John, after reading through your good chapter and the comment from
others, I would like to sum up the important points of chaper 8 in the Acronyms:
PERHAPS
P- Passion
E- Enthusiasm (also empathy, energy)
R- Relevant common words, relevant in depth knowledge
H- Humor ( also happy, healthy)
A- Activate (activate audience)
P- People (take responsibity to people/audience)
S- Stories (use stories for the audience)
Using one sentence to remember:
In communicating and connecting,
With PASSION,ENTHUSIAAM, and HUMOR
use RELEVANT common words,in depth knowledge and STORIES,
to ACTIVATE your people
and also take responsibility of your PEOPLE
I hope you like it.
On the Use Humor bit- my advice to speakers is be careful about assuming you know what your audience will find funny if you are not part of that group. Often when speakers try to be funny they target their jokes at the stereotype of the group they are talking to (young people ect.) and end up coming across patrionising rather than funny. Even worse is when it is based on OLD stereotypes.
Also, be careful about jokes that are borderline (or fully) offensive, controversial or inappropriately personal (even at your own expense). You may have got a quick laugh but you’ve probably just lost your audiences attention from the message your speech was trying to communicate. It your message, not your inappropriate joke that you want everyone to remember. Same goes for telling stories. If you are not sure, leave it out because it doesn’t take much of a slip or many more rambled words to turn a borderline appropriate joke or story really inappropriate
Credibility. To truly connect with an audience it takes credibility.
When I hear John Maxwell speak, I’m connected to his credibility he’s built with me as I’ve tested the principles from his books and tapes over the years.
On a more personal, and closer to home level, the communication (words out of one’s mouth), is altered by credibility in the connectivity to the communicator.
Case in point; I rehired a person about 5 years ago in part because he was a great communicator and connector. When he left our company for a better opportunity, I felt we had lost a real connector; personable, spoke well one-on-one and before large groups, great sense of humor, caring, and just wanted to go out and sell something to anyone. Plus he brought some good people to the company.
After being gone for two years and then coming back, it felt good to have him around.
Yet, over time, I could feel that something wasn’t right. Deep relationships with him seemed to be surrounded by more and more apologies; nothing big at first.
These little things, coupled with a lack of real results on his primary job duties started eating away at his credibility amoung his peers.
Yet, I, as his manager, was blind to much of this and recognize this now, a year after his departure (his choice after being held more and more accountable to his actions). I let this employee’s connectivity to me, associated with his dazzling communication skills, to hide in my blind spot.
In hindsight, a year’s worth, I recognize the blind spot, but I wasn’t looking for it. I was focusing on his connectivity to so many people in the company and how he would lift others up with his speaches, his caring attitude.
Yet, he had lost credibility with many of our 70 corporate employees. Because of that erostion, his communication and connectivity was good for momentary grins and such. Many knew he wasn’t performing and thus he was operating in a Position level of leadership; communication was good face-to-face, but he had eroding credibility and no connectivity outside of arm’s reach.
True connectivity has to be grounded in credibility.
Ok, I got a bit carried away with one case in point about credibility and connectivity. But what I was trying to drive home was the idea that connectivity is tied to credibility.
I listen to a new pastor and he sticks to what I’m familiar with; credible. He brings up something I’m not familiar with……I’ll have to check out what he said, and get to know more about him, his past, and his doctrine before I connect well with him; he doesn’t have good credibility with me at-this-time.
Now, I listen to John Maxwell, or Tim Keller, or John Piper and I’m going in with few filters in my connectivity. I expect to connect with them because of the credibility they’ve built with me over the years.
Great communication piece, this connectivity.
Thanks Mr. Maxwell
The impact from chapter eight has allowed me to rethink my next presentation. Just in time!
I want to echo Larry Baxter’s (entry 10) response on Oct. 26th, where he makes reference to seeking advice for presenting “something that is wrong and needs fixing” news to an audience, team, department, company?
I am really curious about the point you made regarding memorizing someone else’s story vs reading it from a card = widening the gap between you and the audience vs closing the gap between you and the audience. Is there brain research that supports this or just years of trial and error?
All the best. Thanks for making a difference.
This is GOLD! No wait. You have already done that title. Dispelling the notion of the one who is speaking as “Master” over whatever topic he/she is speaking on is so important. Speaking from the vantage point of “we are doing life together” can only add icing on the cake in the area of connectedness. The GOLD is in the experience.
This was delicious. It caused me to really think about me- an audience member AND me the speaker. Engaging w/ great info!
I do a ministry in Springfield, OH (The Gathering of Greater Springfield), a franchise in Columbus, OH (where Dr. Maxwell spoke last June). Our goal is to connect men to men and men to God, through the workplace in a way that transforms them personally, their workplaces, homes, churches, neighborhoods and certainly community.
One simple way I saw this was recently my wife through me a 40th birthday party.
She asked me what I wanted for it to be a hit. I said 2 things (not a big party for myself kind of guy, but you do only turn 40 once, so I saw it coming that SOMETHING would happen)
I said 2 things: 1. BBQ, 2. Karaoke.
There is something about karaoke that connects people. You drop your guard. You put yourself in a once-in-a-lifetime special occasion place that gives people an experience.
There were wives singing together. Husbands singing back to their wives, “Hard For Me To Say I’m Sorry” by Chicago. People doing music together who were married, some barely knew each other, etc.
One other aspect my wife threw in was for folks to dress up like me and get a photo taken. I’m known for my love of football jerseys and sports hats. The pictures were hillarious, didn’t match, etc.
Afterwards it was obvious people connected and had a great experience.
First, when people commented to me about the party, they said your wife did a great job. Versatile and unique and creating experiences. People loved it and hammed up – both the pics and the karaoke. Two things that had rarely been done, or never been done in many cases.
Also, when I was on facebook over the next couple of days, I noticed all the comments even 24 hours after-the-fact and people’s profiles pics were things that happened at the party.
We all look for a great, ideally looking, or fun pic to have on facebook for that profile pic.
All the things happening afterwards, clearly said people had an experience where they connected.
In marketing there is a model of selling called AIDA. Awareness, Interest, Desire, Action.
In other words, no interest means no desire. No desire means no sale. One leads to the other. Or not.
In teaching there is the TTT model. Test, teach, test. The pretest captures the students’ attention as well as letting the teacher find out what the students know.
thanks, max! also, i have found as a speaker that stories illustrate beautifully when presenting across cultures. once you can bring a story from your culture that is similar to what obtains in theirs, an open bridge of communication is instantly created. the audience, upon seeing the common points between the two cultures, now remains open to the new ideas you bring. it’s like your speaking their language, albeit in a symbolic form! i’m sure you must have experienced this too. hope this helps!
Many Thanks for the 8th Chapter,
I like some others have missed the first 7 so will have to wait and buy the wonderful book. You came to our church two or three years ago and it was an honour to sit under your wisdom and wit.
I listen to a lot of speakers, some a joy to listen to, others a pain. I always listen expectant, and I always hope they will be good. I think for some speakers to know the audience is usually for you not hoping you trip up helps. Also NEVER apologise for props, nerves, being late etc…..unless it is part of the humour. Usually someone who communicates this looses the confidence of the audience. Can’t wait for the book to be out.
Juli Thompson
probably only a handful has beginning quote marks missing
I very much enjoyed this chapter and can’t wait to give your book as a present to my church,they try hard but they sure could use your knowledge. (maybe I should send it anonymous ) I truly believe if they use these steps it would be in the best interest of everyone
I think it is important when asking a question not to interrupt the communicator (person speaking). It shows that you are not listening to them and if you are not listening how can you communicate with them? They can sense it and the trust is lost.
Also, get a feel for the people you are talking to and try to make a connection with them by being able to relate to them on something that they might be passionate about. If you went to speak to an all small woman’s conference as a male what would you do to gain their attention and trust so that they can communicate with you effectively on your topic of interest. Gaining their attention is key but they also have to connect and feel like they trust you as the expect of the subject matter at hand.
I really like your books and i hope you understand my comment. Good luck and God Bless.
Hi John,
This is great advice. Most of your examples were in regards to public speaking. How about when it’s just you and a co-worker or a small team meeting? Marcia Reynolds used this is in comment on my blog – we need to listen as if they are going to say something interesting. That’s great advice. Learning to connect one-on-one is important. It feels like it’s an area that’s lacking in this chapter. Being comfortable in your ignorance and asking questions is also important in connecting with people.
I just think it’s interesting that in a meeting with 5 people, all 5 heard different things.