Connectors Create an Experience Everyone Enjoys
ByChapter 8 Synopsis
Connectors Create an Experience Everyone Enjoys
What words would you choose to describe the best communicators who have connected well with you? Entertaining? Energetic? Funny? Maybe if you gave it some time, you could produce a long list of attributes. Now think about the communicators you don’t care for, the ones who were unable to connect with you. If I asked you to describe them using only one word, what would it be? I’m willing to bet that the word would be boring.
Sadly, for many of us, it’s much easier to bore people than to connect with them. But I have some good news: no matter what your current level of skill is in this area, you can make it better. Being interesting can be learned. I know because my personal experience can back it up.
When I began my career as a pastor, my biggest fear was of being “another boring preacher.” After all, as a kid growing up in church, my prayer every Sunday morning went something like this . . .
Now I lay me down to sleep,
The sermon’s long; the subject’s deep.
If he should quit before I wake,
I ask someone, “Give me a shake.”
No communicator, whether delivering a sermon or chatting at a restaurant, wants to be boring. We want to be INTERESTING. Fortunately, we can do that in a number of ways, like taking responsibility for what listeners hear, being visual and telling stories. Often the bottom line when it comes to holding people’s interest and connecting with others is to be the kind of communicator you would like to hear.
Now don’t get me wrong; no one can connect with everybody. It doesn’t matter how hard you work at it. Though I strive to be an effective communicator, I know there are people I leave cold when I talk. That’s okay. But you can be sure that I will do everything in my power to keep them from falling asleep. The longer they stay engaged, the better the chance I have of winning them over. And the better the chance of adding value to them.
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I really enjoyed this chapter especially the part about speaking made it memorable, keep it humorous and keep it simple are easily applied to communicating with others otherwise its to easy to only be speaking to oneself by losing the
audience by boring them to death.
I took a speech class in college and unfortunately not one of these principles was taught at that time. This book should be a textbook for speech classes and seminaries everywhere.
My father is a minister and told me once that illustrations are key to connecting, that you have about 7 seconds before you lose someone’s attention. I notice that to be true even as I read articles, blogs or books – if I don’t connect quickly I probably won’t at all.
John,
Great chapter! I have enjoyed your books for many years, since someone you mentored introduced me to them. I love your friendly, affable teaching style.
I have a story to share. My husband had to make a presentation using PowerPoint before a local group. A covetted award was riding on it. Knowing very little about the program, and knowing I am proficient in it, he brought it home to me to help him with it before his talk. It was a very good thing he did!
His version of the presentation was black and white with a few photos. No color, no transitions, no effects, no nothing. He took me through it once with the speech he planned for it, so I could get an overview, and by the time he was done, I was half asleep! He could immediately tell something was wrong, and asked about it.
I told him the speech needed some work, and maybe he should add some more stuff (like stories!) to make it interesting. Then, I told him to leave me alone with the computer for an hour or so, while he did that. I said I needed that time to give the PowerPoint the enhancements it needed, too.
The final version he presented didn’t get everything I’d added, but it got most of it. His speech got even more work after he saw what I’d done to his PowerPoint, and this time he asked for my help with it, too. It was a true collaborative effort that engaged his audience and won him that locally covetted award from the group to whom he spoke.
Thank for sharing these chapters!
There was one spot in this chapter where I had to stop and re-read a sentence, it was confusing the first time through. It’s under the second point, end of the fourth paragraph: “When that happens, it is unlikely not only for a connection to develop; it actually creates distance between speaker and listener.” The part that I stumbled on was “unlikely not only for…” My brain just doesn’t seem to like that! My brain wants to re-order it more like “…it is not only unlikely for a connection to develop; it actually…”
Thats my $.02!
As my own speaking career is starting to bloom this information is timely and needed. I find myself doing some of these things naturally which is good but you have created a few great ways for me to organize those thoughts to make more of an impact. Connecting with people is like air to me and anyway I can do that with more purpose and more effectively is so appreciated.
Your work continues to make a major impact on me and therfore those I come on contact with which in this case is a collegiate basketball team.
This chapter is especially one of importance as each day as a teacher I must find a way to connect with a variety of people including my team, the administration, our fans and the media.
I have been fortunate to listen and learn from many and have found that “interesting” speakers have the qualities of be PREPARED, PASSIONATE and PICTURE PAINTERS.
The key to being prepared is not to sound rehearsed but to have a timeline of delivering the information in the right way at the right time. Giving the listener what they need and when they need it. There has never been a communicator of signifiance that wasn’t passionate in the deliver of his/her message. And finally, the ability to paint a picture, to create a lasting visual message is what locks in the message in a long-term fassion.
Thanks for all you do. Each year we use one of your books with some worksheets we design during the season to develop our team. This year we will use Talent Is Never Enough.
Mr. Maxwell,
Thank you for the opportunity to write back to you. I’m new to Twitter and don’t comment everyday, but luckily found you and I’m in the process of finishing your book, “The 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership” with a phone group, reading one chapter at a time.
You grabbed my attention by making me feel important when I saw in my in box that you were following me on Twitter. Now, I realize you follow everyone, but it still had a profound impact on me and made me feel special. It’s the little things people do. So, thank you.
Chapter 8, my first read was wonderful. Yes, there were typos and most people caught them and already brought it to your attention.
Engaging people in the first few minutes as you pointed out is paramount. I love having a conversation rather then a presentation…it does relax the audience. A soothing voice, jokes, visuals…all add to an effective presentation.
I recently heard a speaker say, “There’s nothing that can stop an idea whose time has come”. It’s not always easy for everyone to be funny, deliver lines with perfect timing, or to be witty on their feet in a moments notice…but, we can learn to incorporate it into our personalities to make it work. It’s not hard to be yourself, make eye contact, be sincere, and deliver with a smile. When you truly feel connected to your audience, and believe it, then it shows. It’s like a great recipe for success. A little love and all of the above.
When you are sincere, it shows.
Thank you, Mr. Maxwell. I look forward to the final copy.
Much admiration,
Lynn
In this chapter if you were trying to show how effective communicators own the experience bravo.
I took that message away because as communicators we tend to put blame on our audiences,however there is one thing I have learned.
In everything that is done well it is done so by someone who takes accountability for the outcome. Why should communicating be differen ?
The efforts of the communicator must remain consistent regardless of outcome. What would happen if police and fireman behaved in this manner?
It is thru detachment of outcome that you are free to be you and say things the way you would. People connect to people who do that.
Know what u would like the outcome to be create a path to it and then forget about it. I found that when I do I tend to get better results than what I could have imagined.
Hello Dr Maxwell.
Herunder please find my suggestions for this week.
Section “2″, first paragraph.
Superfluous word in this sentence: “So she asked her husband to (take) change his diaper.”
Section “3″, fourth paragraph.
“When I speak to an audience, I try to initiate in a positive way similarly to the way I do one-on-one.”
What do you think of moving the empasis like this?;
“When I speak to an audience I try to initiate positively as I do one-on-one.”
As your reader I can be distracted by that word “similarly”. It initiates questions that may be dealt with later or not at all , why is it similar and not identical, after all in real life the answer changes with the context, so is purely subjective.
Section”5″
Need to fix the JFK quote.
Second paragraph after the quotes is garbled;
“As I came to realize the importance of how you something is worded,…”
“Link What You Say with What People Need.” I am not sure Churchill actually said “quit”
in his “never, never, never… quote, I believe he was more likely to say “…never Surrender”
or “…never give up”. As I understand it this was a primary philosophy of his life and he gave it out as advice more than once.
Section “7″ Paragraph 4.
“All great communicators use stories. Abraham Lincoln, perhaps (our nation’s greatest president), remarked,…” Here is a hypercritical thought of my own on connecting. Abraham Lincoln is highly regarded both in and outside the USA as one of history’s great leaders. I seriously
doubt anyone would disagree. However he was never the President of any country outside the the USA and those of us; your non American readers; may feel a bit left out by that line.
Blessings
Robert Nicholson
First of all, this chapter like all the other ones I’ve read so far is amazing. I also want to say that I’m so glad you mentioned how often power point slides are used and how ineffecitve they are most of the time in captivating people’s attention. When I was in school we would have students who would do a presentation and would use power point slides, and I literally felt like I was going to die. Each slide was overloaded with information and the whole time the student would stand there and read each slide verbatim. It was torture. The biggest issue I came across in school was that instructors require that you had a power presentation and would not encourage us to be creative and use other kinds of visuals.
Also, than you for sharing your story about how you score low on a creativity test. I felt it was inspiring to me and gave me hope. I’ve always felt like I lack creativity. I’m an accountant and througout college I would always hear “accountants are not creative” or “creativity is not our thing”, and that really stuck with me. However, I know how important creativity is and so I have struggled with how I’ve thought all these years. I think you are one of the most creative speakers I have known and knowing that you at one point in your life were considered to have no creativety gives me hope.
Last but not least, I wanted to point out a couple of sentences that might need revision.
1. The third paragraph, last sentence ” When that happens, it is unlikely not only for a connection to develop; it actually creates distance between speaker and listener”, might sound better if it said ” When that happens, not only is it unlikely for a connection to develop, but it actually….”
2. The section “Get People Moving”, first paragraph, last sentence, it might sound better if you say “physical movement’ instead of “movement physically”
3. The JFK quote should probably state “Ask not what your country can do for you…..”
4. Also, the sentence “As I came to realize the importance of how you something is worded, I worked at it more…” The word you might be a typo.
Again, I’ve really enjoyed this chapter!
Hi John
Thx for the story about the long winded President and of what the consequence was.
I also like your response, the idea of the stool and the cards
I once saw and heard what appeared to be a very weathered and old, one eyed eskimo speaking on tv. What he said has been very helpful to me
Never give up! Never give up!! Never give up!!!
this chapter is one of my favorites….i really needed to read this….one weekend i went to the learning annex..it was really fun for me to experience so many different types of speakers in one weekend…most i fell asleep on….the very last speaker was donald trump…i had to leave early so it caused me to notice something…when i got up to leave i felt noisey…and uncomfortable and it was then i realized the room was jam packed with people and there was complete silence in the room it seemed to me that donald trump mesmerized the whole room it looked as though everyone had been hypnotized,,,to this day i think of all the speakers i have seen and am still amazed at that moment…..the feeling in the room was very unique and it stood out…..donald trump has some kind of magical audience gaining power something to behold….i cant figure out what he did….but he captivated his audience ..thank you for this chapter ..i love it
Awesome John,
Say it So it Sticks
3rd paragraph, sentence should read “As I came to realize the importance of how something is worded….
Kim
I really enjoy this chapter and this whole idea of involving us to help you write the book. It’s such a smart idea in so many ways.
I offer two comments:
1. The title of section 3. Communicate in their World is actually not doing what that section is saying we should be doing. I think can be simplified with “Speak Their Language”. This is simpler and more to the point.
2. I think there is something bigger and deeper that is not named explicitly in this chapter. The chapter is about “Connectors Create an Experience Everyone Enjoys” I think the most important essence to accomplish that is when the communicator has “the courage to be authentic”. WE connect when we reveal ourselves and allow our audience to see our humanity. What makes us laugh, inspires us, makes us sad, and moves us. When we authentically allow ourselves to be seen by the audience, it pulls them in, allows them to feel the experience, and makes it real for everyone. Real connection is always enjoyable whether it is with laughter or tears.
It is so rare in our culture that people take responsibility for their actions, let alone the engagement of the audience. Responsibility is powerful and refreshing for all who are near the person using that particular tool.
People feel so much shame and blame from so many sources, that someone standing up to accept their own responsibilty can promote leadership and a sense of freedom. When we feel free to explore our thoughts and feelings, and take responsibility for them, then we can make lasting changes that can impact countless others in many unexpected ways.
Hi John,
I look back on the most interesting speakers (Newt, Regan, Maxwell, etc) and what makes them memorable, as well, is that they are unique individuals. They are not boring, run with the pack…they live unique lives, have accomplished interesting things. On the flip side, I have been inspired by realtively unknown individuals because they have chosen, like the aforementioned to live and think and be interesting people-not just have interests.
Let us all choose to BE interesting,
Lea
Re: Weathered, Old, Godly, One Eyed Eskimo saying “Never give up! Never give up!! Never give up!!!
I saw him on Benny Hinn years ago. If you want to use his name, story and words, I believe he was a Christian and Benny Hinn’s folk may be able to retrieve his name through the show – it was an EXTREME north Canada show Benny Hinn travelled to in order to make so I think there would not a lot of shows to review to find it
Hi John,
Firstly you are one of my heroes. I am a 20 year old girl and read your material often to improve myself as a leader. I am the Administrative Assistant and Event Coordinator for an awesome youth group in Modesto, Ca. I find often in my job that I meet with leaders of ministries weekly on how to improve themselves as a leader and their ministry and how I communicate to them will determine how they leave from our meeting.
After reading chapter 8 (awesome by the way) I have some comments and stories…
I think what you are doing by allowing your readers to be involved in your material is a form of being responsible to your listener. By allowing people to comment on your work gives them ownership of the principles you will present in this book, they feel apart of the effect you will have on your readers. It’s great! I found myself reflecting back on stories while reading the part on “Communicating to their World.” I cant help but be reminded of the story in the Bible in John 8:11. In this passage a woman is caught in the act of adultery and brought before Jesus and the Pharisees. The Pharisees were expecting Jesus to condemn her in the sight of the crowd, but instead, the Bible says, He kneeled down next to her and spoke with her. Can you imagine the shame this woman felt and then the overwhelming grace when Jesus bent down to her level to speak to her where she was at. We can apply this principle to business and ministries alike. People are more inclined to listen and apply what you say, when you are saying it to them where they are at. Working in a youth ministry is the greatest fulfillment and continues to teach me and grow me as a communicator. My generation is one that needs to feel like you believe in them above anything else. When you can show a student that you believe in who they are more than what you are trying to tell them, you can sit back and relax and just speak because they will be all ears. When people feel like you are the reason for their message, they wont only listen and apply the message, but you can count on it that they will multiply that same message through out your ministry and/or company. Thanks again for the opportunity to share John! Until the next chapter!
-Mikhaila-
John,
I really enjoyed reading this chapter. Openness and creativity go along way with an audience. I live by an acronym when I present to any audience which is A.I.D them. Which stands for being Attentive, Instructive and Descriptive . Attentive, simply means as connectors we should never come across as the individual who is more impressed with themselves than the audience in front of them. As I wrote to you in an earlier correspondence people don’t care about how much you know until they know how much you care. Instructive, means to take control without being controlling. Descriptive, paint a clear picture weather by telling a story or offering up a funny antidote to drive your points home. People love simplicity to take a quote from Leonardo da Vinci “Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication.”
Thanks
Kurt Billups
John,
I have been reading your books for many years now. I will never forget the first time I heard you speak in person more than nine years ago. I was sitting in the last row in the balcony of a packed auditorium.
When you came out onto the stage and sat on the stool and began to speak, it was as if I were the only person in the room with you, yet there were several thousand.
The way you made everyone in the room feel at ease, your blend of humor coupled with your teaching was an unforgetable experience. I knew right then, that when it comes to communicating, if I was ever going to go to the next level, I was going to do so because you modeled how it’s done.
Thank you for the impact you’ve made on my life and career. Thanks for making me feel like the only person in the room. I will always be grateful to you.
Doug Dickerson
As i don’t want to miss the deadline i will do short posts. Re quotes and stories first:
An unforgettable punch line from a youth sermon in June 06 about being a follower of Jesus – The chances of your birth place: China 22% India 18% Indonesia 3% New Zealand 0.0005% – how blessed we are!
The importance of story – heard in a TV documentary played in Tasmania 21 years ago that has remained significant to me ever since – All sorrows can be borne if you put them into a story or tell a story about them – said by the Danish Baroness Karen Blixen of Out of Africa fame writing as Isak Dinesen (April17th,1885-September 7th 1962). Also said ” The cure for anything is Salt Water – Sweat, Tears or the Sea”
and “Who tells a finer tale than any of us? Silence does.” She found storytelling a source of comfort.
I think my dad invented your lamenated cards, but they are not quite as fancy. Rather they are recycled magazine paper, business cards, even cereal box tops, all held together with a rubber band and placed in his shirt pocket ready to go at a moment’s notice and opportunity. My father is a retired Wisconsin State Patrolman so of course he has plenty of stories, and, he is at that age where he makes notes for himself especially if he meets someone interesting or learns something new, even eats something delicious. He carries what we call a “pocket packet.” He grabs and asks most everyone for their card. At any given moment with any amount of people he pulls out his pocket packet and can talk to folks and tell stories…connecting. My father is a born extrovert with a gift for interesting conversation, but the relationships built because of his willingness to spend some time engaging people is what is most remarkable to me.
I am on a time crunch. I was able to read the first part ” Connectors create an experience everyone enjoys” -Chapter 8 about the 5 para….
Maybe be I was rushing a little, but I never understand clearly para 5….
Opinion: I think it could be a little more descriptive since it was a past event or experience. I will be describing it now;
Example
“Of course, no matter how hard you work at connecting with people and try to be interesting, you JUST-CAN’T please everyone, RIGHT?. looking back for a moment when my children were much younger and I was a full-time pastor preaching nearly every Sunday. On Saturday night my 5,6,7 etc year old daughter, Elizabeth and I would pray. Her prayer would be like this: ” Dear God, please help Daddy not to be BORRR_INGGG!! tomorrow at church. By the following sunday morning I overheard she telling her younger brother ” we are going to have some gooood fun while Daddy preaches his sermon. So lets take alot of stuff with us” I smiles with an astonished look, ” my daughter just controdicts what she prayed for” I smiled again nodding my head”…………
Sorry Mr. Maxwell, am hoping to help : )-Noel
These are the stories that spoke to me as ones to use: 122 -collecting cards and stories – I always tell my girls to exchange names with travel connections – you may never see them again but you might connect them to others or even reconnect. After I had been at the Crystal Cathedral Care and Kindness Conference 2001 I went straight to London and gave away their Kindness – Pass It On coins to strangers/people who connected with me.
11 – Rambo @ nursing home/pets @ 77
13 – Inclusive language engineers plus finance/management etc
15 – Professor at work connecting all
16 – catching attention
33 – Mitch and Jeremiah – a MUST HAVE!!
66 – impact long remembered
70 – USE Ollie’s Story
94 – Jeff’s 40th Birthday party Wide applications – connections/surprise/activiate audience/fun/humour/memories
103 – Wife’s collaboration – none of us is as clever as all of us put together!!
John,
Love the chapter. Here is an illustration of how I used some of these principles to deliver my Senior Project Presentation for my BA Degree in Business Management with a concentration in Entrepreneurship.
The end of my final semester in college was quickly approaching – it was my capstone course, the mother of all classes, and, it was my final presentation – it had to be good. Something inside of me was screaming “I can’t take one more Power Point Presentation, and I will not put anyone else through the pain!”. I just could not do it, knowing that it would turn into the classic loss of an audience in boring details of ‘one more presentation’. My team and I got together to discuss how we were going to deliver crucial data that we had accumulated: strategy, hiring decisions, quality decisions, differentiation, return on investment – essential business information. We began to copy paragraphs of data into a Power Point (i.e. the boring paragraph that no one reads), until I made it clear that we had to take responsibility for our listeners if we wanted to knock this presentation out of the park. We discussed various ideas, when finally a thought came to me…Dr. Seuss! Everyone loves a good story. Everything wants to laugh and be entertained. Everyone would surely remember this, it would definitely stand above all the mundane Power Point Presentations. The only problem was that it was a senior college project, not a children’s story telling time. It was indeed a big risk. I knew we would either be cut short by the professor and fail, or we would succeed tremendously – I truly was not sure which one it would be, but I was willing to take the risk. We started preparing our presentation, starting with full size poster board pieces – the “pages” of our storybook. We developed a storyline and a plot, and figured out how to integrate the crucial business data in a credible way, all the while being entertaining. We poked fun at the other teams we were competing against as well as a brief jab at our professor, who had a great sense of humor. We colored our poster board, made sense of the story, and worked on the wording of our presentation, which, in true Dr. Seuss fashion, was made up of rhymes.
The day of the presentation, I captured the attention of the audience from the start – instead of jumping right in, I set it up with “ We are going to try something different this morning”. Everyone in the classroom was alert at this point, wondering what my next move was going to be, intrigued and even a little excited, anticipating something more then ‘one more presentation’. I continued, “Have you ever wished a presentation could be as entertaining as the stories we used to read from Dr. Seuss and Shel Silverstein? Well, who says that business school has to be any different?”. I then walked out of the classroom (creating major suspense) and walked back in with our bound poster board storybook. Every eye in the classroom was glued on me. We proceeded with the presentation, presenting the facts with humor and wit, keeping it entertaining and lively with every turn of a page, showing off new drawings and data. We knocked it out of the park! It was the only business school presentation that I had ever seen get a standing ovation at the end. Also, our professor who was known for his strict grading, gave us a 100%, which had previously been unheard of. He said he had never seen any presentation like it, and had never seen students listen so intently and be as captivated as our audience was.
To this day, a couple of years later, I hear that the “storybook presentation” is still talked about from my old professor. By creating an experience that everyone enjoyed, we were able to elevate the typical class presentation, engage the audience, and make it a day of fun and laughter for a group of hardworking students coming to the end of their college career.
Useful structures to include as resource material to memorise points to use:3/18/32/45/67/89/95/106
Good quotes to use: 31/34/43/80
Points to reinforce: 7/9/16/24/73/77/80/88/107
Using language that people understand is the word picture that Focus on the Family broadcast discussed – I think it was Gary Chapman? My favourite is the Tulip and the Oak Tree story by Gordon MacDonald that became family Shorthand for how people felt – I can handle it/I need support without losing my dignity – in the book about Leaving the family home and the lesons thay had learned.
Good Story – 54 – Even when there are several barriers there are factors that overcome any and all situations if People deeply and passionately connect with integrity and
authenticity, speak their language and involve everyone in the ride – whether it is a merry-go-round or a roller coaster!!
Looking forward to the next posts thanks!!
John, I’m running out the clock again…busy week so I’m first going to quickly post these notes I made on my phone throughout the week. They’re pretty random so good luck in following them. By the way, I inserted the stories when I saw your tweet that asked for stories.
Here goes…
The truth is, if connecting were simple, as simple as just a smile and some eye connect, we wouldn’t need an entire book to convey it. Ohhh if it were that simple, but it isn’t; it’s an art and we human beings are complex. We over-do, people pull back; we under-do, people don’t engage. It’s a delicate balance of many things. It goes way beyond surface skills; it’s deeper, it’s subtleties & nuances; it’s MAGIC when it all comes together!!
Some people naturally pick up the right skills early in life and consistently adopt more as they grow; these are the fortunate ones. For the less fortunate, not connecting well exacts a huge toll on your life. The art of connecting reminds me of what Martha Graham (world-renowned dancer & choreographer for 70 years, creator of 181 ballets) conveys about the art of dancing in her piece “An Athlete of God”:
“I believe we learn by practice. Whether it means to learn to dance by practicing dancing or to learn to live by practicing living, the principles are the same. In each is the performance of a dedicated precise set of acts, physical or intellectual, from which comes shape of achievement, a sense of one’s being, a satisfaction of spirit. One becomes in some area an athlete of God.
Practice means to perform, over and over again in the face of all obstacles, some act of vision, of faith, of desire. Practice is a means of inviting the perfection desired.
I think the reason dance has held such an ageless magic for the world is that it has been the symbol of the performance of living. Many times I hear the phrase “the dance of life.” It is close to me for a very simple and understandable reason. The instrument through which the dance speaks is also the instrument through which life is lived: the human body. It is the instrument by which all the primaries of experience are made manifest. It holds in its memory all matters of life and death and love.
Dancing appears glamorous, easy, delightful. But the path to the paradise of that achievement is not easier than any other. There is fatigue so great that the body cries, even in its sleep. There are times of complete frustration; there are daily small deaths. Then I need all the comfort that practice has stored in my memory, and a tenacity of faith. But it must be the kind of faith that Abraham had, wherein he “staggered not at the promise of God through unbelief.”
It takes about ten years to make a mature dancer. The training is twofold. There is the study and practice of the craft in order to strengthen the muscular structure of the body. The body is shaped, disciplined, honored, and, in time, trusted. The movement becomes clean, precise, eloquent, truthful. Movement never lies. It is a barometer telling the state of the soul’s weather to all who can read it. This might be called the law of the dancer’s life—the law which governs its outer aspects.
Then there is the cultivation of the being. It is through this that the legends of the soul’s journey are retold with all their gaiety and their tragedy and the bitterness and sweetness of living. It is at this point that the sweep of life catches up the mere personality of the performer, and while the individual (the undivided one) becomes greater, the personal becomes less personal. And there is grace. I mean the grace resulting from faith: faith in life, in love, in people, and in the act of dancing. All this is necessary to any performance in life which is magnetic, powerful, rich in meaning.
In a dancer there is a reverence for such forgotten things as the miracle of the small beautiful bones and their delicate strength. In a thinker there is a reverence for the beauty of the alert and directed and lucid mind. In all of us who perform there is an awareness of the smile which is part of the equipment, or gift, of the acrobat. We have all walked the high wire of circumstance at times. We recognize the gravity pull of the earth as he does. The smile is there because he is practicing living at that instant of danger. He does not to choose to fall.”
You tweeted you needed stories John, and although not all may directly relate, they might spark a different perspective, they might have a gem or two you come away with. Profound speeches have great depth; they don’t lay on the surface, but instead, take the audience down deep and raise them up breaking through the surface! So, here is a short story called “In Giving I Connect With Others” by Isabel Allende (a novelist who was born in Peru and raised in Chile, her uncle was Chilean president Salvador Allende who was assassinated in 1973):
“I have lived with passion and in a hurry, trying to accomplish too many things. I never had time to think about my beliefs until my twenty-eight-year-old daughter Paula fell ill. She was in a coma for a year, and I took care of her at home until she died in my arms in December of 1992.
During that year of agony and the following year of my grieving, everything stopped for me. There was nothing to do—just cry and remember. However, that year also gave me an opportunity to reflect upon my journey and the principles that hold me together. I discovered that there is consistency in my beliefs, my writing, and the way I lead my life. I have not changed; I am still the same girl I was fifty years ago, and the same young woman I was in the seventies. I still lust for life, I am still ferociously independent, I still crave justice, and I fall madly in love easily.
Paralyzed and silent in her bed my daughter
Paula taught me a lesson that is now my mantra: You only have what you give. It’s by spending yourself that you become rich.
Paula led a life of service. She worked as a volunteer helping women and children, eight hours a day, six days a week. She never had any money, but she needed very little. When she died she had nothing and she needed nothing.
During her illness I had to let go of everything: her laughter, her voice, her grace, her beauty, her company, and, finally, her spirit. When she died I thought I had lost everything. But then I realized I still had the love I had given her. I don’t even know if she was able to receive that love. She could not respond in any way, her eyes were somber pools that reflected no light. But I was full of love, and that love keeps growing and multiplying and giving fruit.
The pain of losing my child was a cleansing experience. I had to throw overboard all excess baggage and keep only what is essential.
Because of Paula, I don’t cling to anything anymore. Now I like to give much more than to receive. I am happier when I love than when I am loved. I adore my husband, my son, my grandchildren, my mother, my dog, and frankly I don’t know if they even like me. But who cares? Loving them is my joy.
Give, give, give—what is the point of having experience, knowledge, or talent if I don’t give it away? Of having stories if I don’t tell them to others? Of having wealth if I don’t share it? I don’t intend to be cremated with any of it! It is in giving that I connect with others, with the world, and with the divine.
It is in giving that I feel the spirit of my daughter inside me, like a soft presence.”
Here’s another short story called “Connecting Between Strangers” by Miles Goodwin:
“On June 23, 1970, I had just been mustered out of the Army after completing my one-year tour of duty in Vietnam. I was a twenty-three-year-old Army veteran on a plane from Oakland, California, returning home to Dallas, Texas.
I had been warned about the hostility many of our fellow countrymen felt toward returning Nam Vets at that time. There were no hometown parades for us when we came home from that unpopular war. Like tens of thousands of others, I was just trying to get home without incident.
I sat, in uniform, in a window seat, chain smoking and avoiding eye contact with my fellow passengers. No one was sitting in the seat next to me, which added to my isolation. A young girl, not more than ten years old, suddenly appeared in the aisle. She smiled and without a word timidly handed me a magazine. I accepted her offering, her quiet “welcome home.” All I could say was, “Thank you.” I do not know where she sat down or who she was with because right after accepting the magazine from her I turned to the window and wept. Her small gesture of compassion was the first I had experienced in a long time.
I believe in the connection between strangers when they reach out to one another.
That young girl undoubtedly has no memory of what happened years ago. I like to think of her as having grown up continuing to touch others and teaching her children to do the same. I know she might have been told to give me the “gift” by her mother. Her father might still have been in Vietnam at that point or maybe he had not survived the war. It doesn’t matter why she gave me the magazine. The important thing is she did.
Since then, I have followed her example and tried, in different ways for different people, to do the same for them. Like me on that long-ago plane ride, they will never know why a stranger took the time to extend a hand. But I know that my attempts since then are all because of that little girl. Her offer of a magazine to a tired, scared, and lonely soldier has echoed throughout my life. I have to believe that my small gestures have the same effect on others. And to that little girl, now a woman, I would like to take this opportunity to say again, thank you.”
“A Morning Prayer in a Little Church” by Helen Hayes(known as the First Lady of American Theater, star of Broadway, movies and television, 3 Tony & 2 Academy Awards):
“Once, years ago, I got into a dogfight. I was wheeling a baby carriage, my pet cocker spaniel trotting beside me, and without warning, three dogs—an Afghan, a St. Bernard, and a Dalmatian—pounced on the cocker and started tearing him to pieces. I shrieked for help. Two men in a car stopped, looked, and drove on.
When I saw that, I was so infuriated that I waded in and stopped the fight myself. My theatrical training never stood me in better stead. My shouts were so authoritative, my gestures so arresting, that I commanded the situation like a lion-tamer, and the dogs finally slunk away.
Looking back, I think I acted less in anger than from a realization that I was on my own, that if anybody was going to help me at that moment, it had to be myself.
Life seems to be a series of crises that have to be faced. In summoning strength to face them, though, I once fooled myself into an exaggerated regard of my own importance. I felt very independent. I was only distantly aware of other people. I worked hard and was “successful.” In the theater, I was brought up in the tradition of service. The audience pays its money and you are expected to give your best performance—both on and off the stage. So I served on committees, and made speeches, and backed causes. But somehow the meaning of things escaped me.
When my daughter died of polio, everybody stretched out a hand to help me, but at first I couldn’t seem to bear the touch of anything, even the love of friends; no support seemed strong enough.
While Mary was still sick, I used to go early in the morning to a little church near the hospital to pray. There the working people came quietly to worship. I had been careless with my religion. I had rather cut God out of my life, and I didn’t have the nerve at the time to ask Him to make my daughter well—I only asked Him to help me understand, to let me come in and reach Him, and I kept looking for a revelation, but nothing happened.
And then, much later, I discovered that it had happened, right there in the church. I could recall, vividly, one by one, the people I had seen there—the solemn laborers with tired looks, the old women with gnarled hands. Life had knocked them around, but for a brief moment they were being refreshed by an ennobling experience. It seemed as they prayed their worn faces lighted up and they became the very vessels of God. Here was my revelation. Suddenly I realized I was one of them. In my need I gained strength from the knowledge that they too had needs, and I felt an interdependence with them. I was learning the meaning of “Love they neighbor…”
Truths as old and simple as this began to light up for me like the faces a of the men and women in the little church. When I read the Bible now, I take the teachings of men like Jesus and David and St. Paul as the helpful advice of trusted friends about how to live. They understand that life is full of complications, and often heavy blows, and they are showing me the wisest way through it. I must help myself, yes, but I am not such a self-contained unit that I can live aloof, unto myself. That was the meaning that had been missing before the realization that I was a living part of God’s world of people.”
Speaking of finding common ground…You’ve stayed plugged in & interesting, you’ve consistently brought goods to the table, you’ve stayed open and talked to a variety of people, walked in other’s shoes, used word pictures to illustrate your points for better understanding…you’ve essentially covered the spectrum, so you’re bound to find common ground. Jesus connected on common ground; that’s why even those that aren’t Christians will recognize Jesus as “a great teacher.”
It would be helpful to read “The Noticer” by Andy Andrews. It’s Common Ground 101. As you’re aware, Andy Andrews isn’t a green, wide-eyed newbe on the connect scene; in fact, I remember you commented on the back of his book “The Traveler’s Gift.” Recently, Andy went to his first Women of Faith Conference. He was probably the only man there, but Andy had heard amazing things about the speakers, so, curiosity got the best of him and he just had to see for himself. During, he tweeted,” Patsy Clairmont is the greatest speaker I’ve ever heard!” Wow! Might be worth a visit to witness Patsy along with the other phenomenallll women speaking like Luci Swindoll who has #1 requested tape in Focus On The Family’s history! Of course her brother, Chuck Swindoll, is no slouch: he’s one of greatest storytelling pastors I’ve ever heard!
Just a few words on my mind about eye contact… Eye contact is important, and did you know that when you look intently at someone, it increases their heartbeat and adrenaline which is why they feel captivated by you? Eyes & smile are HUGE, THEY GO TOGETHER! People can tell all they need to know by these two; the rest is window dressing so-to-speak. Eyes are the reflection of the soul; eyes reflect what is behind them so it’s rare that you can fake it!
The subject of eye contact reminds me of a speaker who saw a woman in the audience that sustained intense direct eye contact with him the whole time. It thrilled him, boosted his confidence even higher! Afterwards, he found out she was deaf and just needed to read his lips.
I firmly believe you have to be A WHOLE PERSON, even if you’re working to improve a couple things; aren’t we all? Otherwise, you’re insecurity will come through, no doubt about it! So bottom-line, you have to have the real goods: charming and honest expression of interest in other people so you’re responding outward, as opposed to being caught up in your issues, self-centered, compelling you to focus inward. Insincere interest is very hard to sustain. You can be very skilled AND self-centered, but most people’s intuition will pick up on it! These days, people’s intuition is so keen because with so much stimuli, the brain has a plethora of data to analyze and form keener intuition from!
Just had to insert here before I forget: Sean Connery is quite a connector; everyone else falls away when he speaks to you!
Content is a balance of the familiar with surprise random. People can’t resist color & flavor!
Here are some of my fav ways that people phrase things: “oooo the honey-do list is getting longer!” “He can be taught!” “He was all over it like white on rice!” “He’s got issues!” “ya THINK!!” “The line is soooo long, it should be catered.” “oooo that’s appetizing, NOT” “I saw a big snake in the yard!!..in 10min when I put the house up for sale, do I have to disclose the wildlife?” “Wish I did but I really don’t make this stuff up!” “ooo wayyy too much information!” “pshhhh piece of cake” “Yay, it’s just a walk in the park” “karoke-singin husband” “he became he-who-must-not-be-named” “he did a Kanya West right there..” “I must have some-timers because I couldn’t remember the…” “rock-bottom” “bone-dry as the Sahara” “I swear that tree just came out of nowhere and hit my car” “ut oh…that guy’s face is smashed up against the window..Mary must be talking his ear off..flight’s long and no way to escape..it won’t help to pretend to sleep, it won’t slow her down..ohhh dear..he’s now staring at the exit door looking frantic!”
Making friends with silence is critical; controlling silence, even something as micro as pausing, is so important. As in a book, a run-on feeling disrupts the natural flow of things, the rise & fall rhythm—the reader’s body will cease to send out a flow of feel-good chemicals, and angst develops if it goes on too long. Same with a speech: well-timed pauses for clapping, whistling and other interactions are critical; otherwise, people will get frustrated and stop trying to interact, dropping their hands to their lap and DISENGAGING! YOU NEVER WANT TO DISRUPT MOMENTUM; silence/pausing is an integral part of that momentum so plan for them in the formula and then make sure you invite the audience to interact: “Feel free to…”
It’s not chance that people are intrigued by shows like “Lie to Me” and “The Mentalist.” It’s a study in Body Language 101. We catch subtleties and our intuition (subconscious) presents a feeling. Intuition is the brain’s ability to analyze hundreds of thoughts to come up with a “feeling” of caution or dread or attract or repel…all of thee “I can’t quite put my finger on it but…” variety. A connector doesn’t want to trigger “I can’t quite put my finger on it but I’m turned off”..click!
It’s nice if you have someone who opens for you like a band or an announcer who warms up the crowd; otherwise, your opener better be good because people slot ya quick!! And then it’s uphill or downhill from there. Think interactive because the audience is used to texting back and forth, NOT sitting and being talked at. (Texting is #1 in the world, far exceeding the number of calls we make.)
These days, everybody’s “been there, done that” like “there’s nothing new under the sun.” Add to that, we have so much stimulation, sensory overload, a feast for the senses, a surge of endorphins & raised serotonin levels like a double-shot of Expresso!! People are used to chemicals, PLUS, immediate gratification—a lethal combination—so it’s not surprising that it’s SOOO MUCH harder to sustain an audience. IT’S ABOUT MOMENTUM WITHOUT DISTRACTIONS! As in the movies & TV, Jerry Bruckheimer is found in the credits over & over because he’s got the formula down for what keeps you glued to the edge of your seat, every time! Momentum 101. That same approach works for connecting, especially when speaking to a crowd—there’s a formula and a way to keep it fresh EVERY SINGLE TIME!!
We, the audience, can feel your vibe coming in, even if you’re a fabulous connector, we can sense nuances, “a disturbance in the force” so-to-speak. People are put off by anything that feels like a rush job, feels unfocused, even if it’s slight. At the opposite end, even good connectors who have it “sooo down,” know to mess up a little to show vulnerability or it feels canned, and canned makes an audience feel like a stop on the trek of many stops, GENERIC PEOPLE.
Self-centered: share too much advice, reveal too many experiences, give pushy about their opinions invariably turns others off. Good-connectors make others feel good, what you need to learn is that your virtues will shine brighter if you LET OTHERS DISCOVER THEM ON THEIR OWN..relax, enjoy, not goal-oriented task.
Bet u prefer the ones who walk into a room n say, “Ahhh, there you are:)” instead of those who say “Well, here I AM!!” And, don’t ya just love people who smile so completely, it reaches their eyes and warms the room:)
Everyone wants to be a winner, listen to a winner, so making an entrance with a winsome smile, great confidence, shoulders back, a move-with-ease way about you is a HUGE starting advantage; they’re already committed, so short of being flat-out boring, it’s hard to fail with that sustained air about you. Why do people even bother going to a Neiman Marcus or Gucci Store to shop when they could get the same thing elsewhere for a fraction of the cost? Because it feels great to shop there; they are paying for the grrrreat feeling! Likewise, one-on-one, a winner is relaxed-confident, witty, charming, conversant, of course friendly, and often, creative & fascinating!
It feels good to listen to a winner, someone they’d like to be; it’s a HIGH! And then they float home or better yet, stop by to have dinner and relive it, bantering about what you said about this or what you said about that. That’s why stories resonate! If they’re especially good, the banter will be about the stories!
I wish I could recall his name but he was an award-winning storyteller who spoke at the Storytellers Festival in San Juan Capistrano, CA. It’s a given that I remember the story vividly, EVERY DETAIL, because his descriptive language came alive like he was there, in the story! The audience was completely captivated, adults included; when you can tell a kid’s story and completely glue the adults to your face, you’re doing something very right!!
Another example is Emmy-award winning Jim Dale who is the voice on the audio tapes for the Harry Potter series. I swear he can do 10+ distinct voices but it’s also the resonance to his voice and the way he drops it an octave, varies the speed…all the attributes are impressive. It’s COMPLETELY CAPTIVATING!!
In the military, they want you to “be the best you can be!” But first they throw you in boot camp to get a big head start on peeling away layers of habits and stuff you don’t need, stuff that diminishes your core, stuff that doesn’t define you, just unnecessary stuff you’ve accumulated. Even in boot camp, as in life, people go in with a little to fix which is a big head start, or a lot to fix which kills them. The former did the work but they spread it out over time: things they noticed in other successful people, they modeled immediately so what worked, they did. The latter not only had to shed the wrong habits they acquired, but they also had to learn & adopt all the right skills which is a very tough thing to do! The same can be seen on the hit TV show “The Biggest Loser;” it’s beyond weight, people are glued to this show, with their Kleenex box at the ready! Why? Because when we witness the process in such a condensed timeframe, a boot camp setting, we see authentic struggle at its most transparent. Since there’s no time to cover over or fool around, it’s quite an amazing human experience to watch.
Many times, people will say, “I need to be me and you need to accept me for who I am.” But that applies to core, not these “stuff & bad habit” layers you’ve accumulated. Unfortunately, that little speech has hurt many, hurt their growth, hurt them continually with rejection, and sometimes to the point where if they died, they feel that no one would care or come to the funeral. Bottom-line, to be effective, to make an impact, you have to learn A LOT—you’re lucky if you’ve picked it up over time—but once you have learned it, WOW!! Life gets FUNNN!! You’ve become that man or woman you’ve aspired to be!!!
Bring on Chapter 9,
Candace
I was surprised to find myself not agreeing with you early on in the chapter. When I read, ” Now think about the communicators you don’t care for, the ones who were unable to connect with you. If I asked you to describe them using only one word, what would it be? I’m willing to bet that the word would be boring.” it was not “boring” that came to mind. I couldn’t put it in one word, but what I was thinking is that the communicators I don’t care for and who I do not allow to connect with me are the ones I do not respect. If your past actions haven’t earned my respect, then nothing you say in a speech will make me connect with you. If I don’t respect you, chances are good that I don’t trust you, and when I don’t trust you, I don’t want to hear anything that comes out of your mouth. (Barak Obama is a good example of someone like that.) No amount of stories or humor will change that. Action speaks much louder than talk. I listen to Mike Huckabee every weekend on TV because he’s earned my respect so I want to hear what he says. He’s proven credible with his actions so I trust him and can allow him to connect with me. But, after giving this further thought, if the speaker were someone I’d never heard of, then I would agree that “boring” would be an apt one word description. I liked Danny L Smith’s comment, “True connectivity has to be grounded in credibility.”
“Cemetery communication” – funny! Like that!
Thanks for the diaper lesson! LOL I’ll probably remember that more than any other words from the chapter!
Loved the “old saying” about “Talk.”
You mentioned saying your name and then asking audience to say theirs. I have to confess, I’ve heard that done so much it’s gotten really old and I kinda roll my eyes when a speaker does that. Without meaning to sound flippant, the flippant remark “That’s so yesterday” does come to mind.
Loved the story Judy White, The Infusion Group, LLC, wrote. I’ll remember her story along with the diaper one!
Thanks for another great chapter that leaves me thinking.