91 responses so far ↓

• 1 Sue Cartun // Oct 12, 2009 at 12:46 am

  A powerful message and an instant John Maxwell quote:

  “False humility downplays ones genuine strengths to receive praise. Arrogance plays up ones strength to receive praise. Humility raises up others so they can be praised.”

  Love it.

• 2 Lucia Diaz // Oct 12, 2009 at 1:26 am

  hello =-)
  this is the chapter i have been waiting for someone to write about!! it filled a lot of voids in my communication skills.

  I specially liked the definition on Humility because it is something i am working on, but didn’t quite understood how to balance… NOW I KNOW!!

  Thanks for such great work..
  God Bless You

• 3 Adam Reineke // Oct 12, 2009 at 2:25 am

  A mentor gave me a tip that helps a lot: Don’t just know a ton of information about a few subjects, instead know three bits of information about a ton of subjects. This gives you a bunch of starting points when you’re trying to find a common ground with someone.

  I loved this chapter! Finding common ground when initially connecting with people is one of the toughest things for me.

• 4 Xxx // Oct 12, 2009 at 3:10 am

  Hi. I didn’t read this chapter anymore and will never visit ur blog again. Just wanted to say that I am surprised and disappointed because u BLOCKED me on Twitter on 10th October hen I never ever disturbed u on DM. All I remember was mentioning you on Twitter that I voted for u 2x as best leader/guru and if it was considered cheating. I regret giving you my vote and I will never read uf works again.

  NOTE FROM STEPHANIE, JM’S ADMINISTRATOR: Dear Xxx, I realize that you may not ever see this reply. But I do want to make clear that I (not John) was responsible for blocking you. And I apologize if it was done in error. Whenever John receives several identical replies or DMs on Twitter from multiple accounts, I tend to suspect spammers. Since a few people replied with your exact wording, that was what happened in this case. It was my judgment call, and, again, I’m sorry if that was in error. If you are ever unfollowed or blocked by John’s account and feel it was done unjustly, please feel free to contact me personally via email at admin@johnmaxwellonleadership.com or on Twitter. I’ll be happy to review and discuss with you.

  Thank you.

• 5 Tes Casin // Oct 12, 2009 at 6:40 am

  Finding a common ground, asking “Do I feel what you feel?” before asking. “Do you feel what I feel?” These are all practices of humility which is very important for someone who wanted to achieve greatness.

  Thanks once again for coming up with this excellent Chapter. It breathes life, awesome!

• 6 Warren Blake // Oct 12, 2009 at 7:26 am

  This is a brilliant chapter. I cant wait for the book, as I believe it will be one of those reference books that we keep by the side of desks at all times.

  I have 2 cents to add.

  The priest at my church once said this about Arrogance and Humility..
  “Arrogance is what you think of yourself, Humility is the truth”

  I also heard a pastor speaking a similar topic to this, he mentioned something to what you highlighted at the beginning of the chapter about the different ways people will remember events. This is a good way to communicate with people . (Some will say after you have explained something by saying “I hear what your saying”, “I see”, “I understand” or “I feel… “. This is a very good point of reference because as you begin to make examples to explain yourself, you can use examples in the context that they most identify with (sight, hearing etc)

  God Blesses…

• 7 Al Fenner // Oct 12, 2009 at 7:52 am

  Knowing how people connect is a huge break through. Women for example seem to connect on an emotional level, they don’t go by sight. It helps to know this when communicating to my wife and it saves us from a lot of arguments. Praise God for true communication. LOL

• 8 Larry Baxter // Oct 12, 2009 at 9:31 am

  Another great chapter! So true that the heart of miscommunication is differing assumptions. The ideas and tips to connect on common ground were very helpful. I’m reminded of Jesus in John 4 finding common ground with the Samaritan woman, and Paul in Acts 17 finding common ground with the men of Athens.

• 9 Lars Ray // Oct 12, 2009 at 9:59 am

  “Employee Engagement” is one of those topics that continuously makes headlines, whether we’re in a Bull market or a Bear market, as it speaks to the primary missing ingredient – connection. Your comment “You can know a lot about a person and still not understand him. More information isn’t always the answer. To really understand people, you must know what they want, and that requires you to go beyond the head and consider the heart” is at the center of employee engagement. Unfortunately, it is also what takes the most effort to accomplish.

  This is a solid chapter for managers and leaders to use to improve or strengthen their “employee engagement” efforts!

• 10 Dale Hart // Oct 12, 2009 at 10:18 am

  I couldn’t agee more with this chapter. Creating a connection improves your chances of making a sale, getting a job, or improving a relationship.

  The quickest way to create that connection is to find common ground. Six degrees of seperation really does work. Try asking enough questions to find that common relationship or interest and see if your credibility doesn’t immediately improve.

• 11 Keven Card // Oct 12, 2009 at 11:17 am

  It is truly amazing how the simplest of truths empowers people, by putting others interests first we can make a difference in their lives and really our own. As one of my favorite speakers once said “If you help enough other people get what they want you’ll get what you want” by Zig Ziglar and I truly believe that the one thing people want most is to be heard and understood.

  My favorite thing to do is to ask questions and I find it amazing how much people are willing to share just by being willing to listen and what I learned from reading this chapter is that people want transparency when we speak to them.

  John, you are one of my favorite authors and speakers and I appreciate what you do. God Bless you!

• 12 Daniel J. Larsen // Oct 12, 2009 at 11:21 am

  WOW!!!!

  I have been following the book and I love the online collaboration.

  This chapter is quite insightful and helpful to me personally. I know that I have communication problems and have been looking for ways to change that. There are some very solid point to consider here and I will put them to use right away.

  Thank you for sharing..

• 13 lydia maria gonzalez dross // Oct 12, 2009 at 12:08 pm

  People struggle with communication because they don’t self check their motives before they open their mouths.
  Perception, attitude and motive to communicate can be a backfire if people just take a sec and ask themselves, how will I be able to connect with the other person with humility of heart and mind

• 14 VoNi Deon // Oct 12, 2009 at 1:27 pm

  WoW!
  I love how this is meeting me where I am in my walk right now. Especially with my relationships wih my family, my friends, who I will work for, and the new people I will meet. I was taught thru the Young Life model in regards to connecting with youth to “Meeting them where they are” and my mentor Stephanie Smith-Howard added the piece, “…And taking them somewhere.” Not necessarily where we want them to go, but how we can help them understand in their heart their purpose and where they need to go. Finding a common ground is important to me as a connector. That is something that lights up so bright in my spirit.
  I love the quote from “Former South African president Nelson Mandela said is true: “If you talk to a man in the language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his language, that goes to his heart.”

  That is how I was won over and desire to do the same for those I will have the priviledge of serving.

  Thanks so much for the additional resources from other authors! I am looking forward to looking into their books as well!

  Each chapter gets better and better as i read along!
  Thanks for connecting with me and helping me to connect with others!

  VoNi Deon
  Blessings to you!

• 15 Alison C. // Oct 12, 2009 at 1:33 pm

  Thank you, John for the reminder to find common ground. This is one of my strengths, yet if I take my eyes off of it and think I’ve got it ‘in the bag’… I won’t have it.

  I really enjoyed the 8 ways to cultivate a common ground mind-set and their accompanying statements. This is going up by the desk as a reminder to be available, listen, ask questions, be thoughtful, be open, care about others, be humble and be adaptable to others’ worlds!!

  God Bless!

• 16 John Love // Oct 12, 2009 at 2:44 pm

  Typo in the paragraph about the man coming to your office and asking if he could run errands for you-

  Great chapter-

• 17 Mr. J.R.Agosto // Oct 12, 2009 at 3:32 pm

  Evangelist J.Maxwell; I am highly impressed on your teaching on commuacation?. I had throught that I was a good commuacator,but after reading up on your teaching,it opened up my heart and now I’m understanding why I have’nt been effected,when trying to make a point on a subject or issuse.Thank you very much.Ilook forward to keeping up with our teachings.God Bless you an family.Respectfully J.R.Agosto.

• 18 Henry Will // Oct 12, 2009 at 5:25 pm

  I hope to read, review, and comment in detail, but as I opened this page and scrolled, I came upon this:

  Their sister, excited by the news, she rushed to the local newspaper office and gave the telegram to the editor so that he could report on it.

  I believe the “she” after the comma needs to be removed.

• 19 Mark Ralls // Oct 12, 2009 at 6:57 pm

  Once again a great chapter.

  Being transparent or open to view is a key to connection.

  If we as leaders appear to have no flaws, we will never connect with those we are trying to lead. Like the Pastor that must run and put on a shirt and tie before answering the knock at the door.

  We are real people, we need to act like real people.

• 20 SRSmith // Oct 12, 2009 at 10:24 pm

  This chapter contains some excellent points, but I was bothered when the example of humility to find common ground resulted in a great response from the crowd. I would rather find common ground with others because of love and compassion than because it makes me successful and admired.

  I trust that love and humility are your motivations as well. But a better example, or omitting the crowd reaction may communicate it better.

• 21 Ronnie // Oct 13, 2009 at 1:40 am

  In today’s post modernism worldview, finding common ground in communication and connection is so vital that it could spell success or failures to communicators and dare I add, especially those on the pulpit ministry. Tks John for another brilliant chapter!

• 22 Thomas Nyaruwata // Oct 13, 2009 at 2:32 am

  to connecting effectively one needs support and be there for others when in need.(self centeredness kills )

• 23 Davis B. Ochieng // Oct 13, 2009 at 5:38 am

  Very insightful chapter!

  It remains faithful to the unspoken Maxwell mantra-a leader bears the burden of the process.

  Im greatly challenged by this chapter and it will definitely influence my interactions.

• 24 Bridget Haymond // Oct 13, 2009 at 8:35 am

  It is my conviction that genuine curiosity about others is what will lead to effectively connecting with them. It takes a humble heart to engage in active listening, using all your senses to really “hear” a person or a group. The way you sensed the collective weariness of the group from all of the success stories, and your response of scrapping your original speech is humility in action. Sensing the needs of the audience was clearly invigorating for them when you took the approach of sharing your failures on the path to success.

  I love the transparency of sharing growth through failures because it is a powerful connecting point we can all relate to. With the exception of Jesus, every leader has failed at some point and the truly great leaders are the ones who help others by sharing what they learned through the process. There is no pretense in sharing about failure – only pure humility!

• 25 Michelle Pack // Oct 13, 2009 at 11:53 am

  Here’s the line that still haunts me: “You cannot establish common ground if you refuse to let anyone know who you are or what you believe.”

  This is the catalyst of communication for me. I will listen to others for hours, mainly because that is what people want more than anything – to be heard. However, due to a history of emotional abandonment, I shut down and do not share my heart anymore, expecting eventual abandonment (which is the vicious circle of: if there is no life shared, it will eventually be abandoned – I am aware). As one who writes and desires to communicate, this is my greatest wall to tear down – in voice and word. Truly, thank you, John. I remain convicted and convinced of demolition today.

  PS – Typical John: draw in with a story and end with a slam dunk. Thank you.

  PS – passing along your thoughts as a bit of “marriage counseling” as well. Thanks!

• 26 Terry Smith // Oct 13, 2009 at 12:08 pm

  Dear John, I applaud your efforts with Chapter 6! I loved the cookie story example and the Russian Song example! Reccommend the following small changes, 1-add the word “and” between “there” and “found” in paragraph that starts with “The traveler…” 2- add “Off” between “secret” and “every” where it starts “Television host”, 3-remove the word “that” from between “myself” and “question” where paragraph starts with “Nothing at all…” 4- add a coma after “at the time” where it starts with “Anytime you..” and lastly, add the word “to” “..children to see…” I learned a great deal about common ground, thank you for that and for allowing my suggestions, Love ya John, Terry Smith

• 27 Robert Zullo // Oct 13, 2009 at 12:32 pm

  Well done, very powerful. The Kettering quote really finishes it strong.

  Communication, Connection Making are truly keys to empathic leadership.

• 28 Ken Anderson // Oct 13, 2009 at 1:12 pm

  Chapter 6 is terrific. The woman and her cookies is perfect. The use of caricature for Archie is probably correct but it made me stop to ponder use and sentence structure. Use character or something else to take reader to point.
  Looking good.

• 29 Angela Conrad // Oct 13, 2009 at 2:13 pm

  Great chapter! Funny that in my work we are starting to talk about a ha moments and boxes! Very fitting for me. Thanks for allowing comments and feedback as you create your next masterpiece!

  Small editing error… Missing the word ‘to’ between secret and every.
  “Television host Larry King, who has conducted thousands of interviews, says that asking questions is the secret every good conversation.”

  Many Blessings!

• 30 Shelley Quinones // Oct 13, 2009 at 2:36 pm

  People really admire those who engage with them in such a way as to make them feel included. When people have a sense of inclusion they are more motivated and have a higher sense of loyalty.

  Leaders who try to control through lack of communication are missing the wealth that each person has to offer.

  Leaders who use influence and practice acceptance, instead of control, make a lasting impact on many more hearts than can even be counted.

• 31 Gerald Leonard // Oct 13, 2009 at 10:40 pm

  Hi John,

  Thank you for allow your readers to review and comments on this book. Your writing and pastoral background has been a tremendous blessing to my spiritual, personal and professional development. I am currently studying The 21 Indispensable Qualities of a Leader using the Maxwell Leadership Bible and I happen to be reviewing the chapter and scriptures on Communication. Discovering this chapter has been a benefit to my studies. Thank you for sharing your passion for Leadership.

• 32 Duke Brekhus // Oct 14, 2009 at 12:15 am

  Ron Puryear teaches an acronym for devleoping common ground with strangers. It is a great way to build repoire and connect common interests with total strangers. The word is F.O.R.M. that stands for: Family, Occupation, Recreation, Message. When we ask questions centered around these topics it is amazing how much we can learn about a person and how quickly we can get to know them. For example, ‘Do you have family around here?’ or ‘Are there a lot of Mawells in the area?’ ‘What do you do for a living?’ or “Is that a good company to work for?’ ‘What do you like to do for fun when your not working?’ or ‘What do you like to do in your spare time?’ and finally, the message can be as simple as ‘You sure seem to be an interesting person, it has been a pleasure getting to know you.’

• 33 Carol Shannon // Oct 14, 2009 at 12:53 am

  This chapter was fantastic – it surpasses leadership to interpersonal comunication on improved relationships. Very well put togeather.

• 34 Chuck Branch // Oct 14, 2009 at 6:05 am

  The opportunity to ask questions so many times is overshadowed by others desire to be heard rather than to listen. Relationships don’t begin until we ask questions about them because we will not be able to relate to someone we have no knowledge of.
  By the way I love Ron Puryear.

• 35 Anthea // Oct 14, 2009 at 7:37 am

  I really appreciate this chapter especially the part about finding common ground. It is very important in all aspects of our lives and great a great starter to conflict resolution

• 36 Carol Shore-Nye // Oct 14, 2009 at 8:01 am

  Hello, really enjoying the book!

  I have a suggestion:

  The sentence “She became aware of a rustling noise and looked to see a neatly dressed man helping himself to her cookies” CLEARY says they are HER cookies. Therefore, the ensuing question “Like the woman in the story, didn’t you assume that the man was helping himself to the woman’s cookies, just as she did?” looses its impact somewhat.

  Therefore, I suggest changing the former to “She became aware of a rustling noise and looked to see a neatly dressed man had sat next to her and was helping himself to the cookies”.

  I also suggest the syntax could be improved by adding an adjective to the cookies each time they are mentioned, e.g. butter or peanut).

• 37 Carol Shore-Nye // Oct 14, 2009 at 8:45 am

  What a fantastic chapter!!

• 38 bob garbett // Oct 14, 2009 at 2:37 pm

  Another great chapter!

  A lot of leaders have an “open door” policy and they feel they are therefore, accesible.

  One of the most effective ways to connect is “management by walking around” -going to their work space and visiting them there. It also helps to see things from their perspective.

• 39 Jody A. Smith // Oct 14, 2009 at 4:48 pm

  Hey John. This is in reference to your request for stories on twitter.

  Back in my youth pastoring days, iwas ministering in a small town in Georgia. It was my custom to to eat lunch with the kids during the school year. One day at the Jr. High I met a young lady who was sitting with a group of girls from my youth group. She was very shy and seldom made a sound. If I looked in her direction, she would look away. One day I found myself sitting at the lunch table with this young lady and a member of my group. The girl from my youth group went to put her tray up, which left me and the shy girl one-on-one. I didn’t say a word. After some very awkward silence she said, “you’re not like most ministers I have met.” I ask her if that was a good thing or a bad thing. She said, “You’re too down to earth to be a minister.” I softly chuckled and said I would try to be more up-tight. She laughed. She said, “You don’t talk as much as most either.” I responded my saying, “I’m more interested in your day and what you have to say.” She said, “Cool.” I never saw this young lady inmy youth services. I never saw her around town. But without fail, she was the first to meet me at the lunch table every Thursday. I never became her youth pastor, but I did become her friend. We connected not because I have the world’s greatest people skills, but because I had an open ear, a genuine interest in her circumstances, and met her in her own setting.

• 40 Renata Mandia // Oct 14, 2009 at 6:21 pm

  The topic “assumption” is amazing ! I loved how you use a simple (and funny) history to show this subject ! Congratulations !!!

• 41 Brian // Oct 14, 2009 at 9:18 pm

  My Bethel Church Story
  In 1981 Bethel Church was dedicated to the glory of God as a lighthouse to the community of Grass Valley, CA. A few years later, the church split into two congregations: Christian Life Center and Grass Valley Assembly of God.
  At the end of 1991, God started the process of moving my family to Grass Valley. The senior pastor at Christian Life Center had asked us to come and be on staff with him. I was to be the assistant pastor and Cindy was to be the children’s pastor.
  During my time at CLC I would hear people talk about the “Old Bethel Church,” how wonderful it was and how much the church had impacted Nevada County and surrounding areas. Also, I heard how bad the split was in 1986 and that many were wounded and scattered.
  Through a series of events the Lord had directed me to leave CLC and become the senior pastor of Chester Assembly of God. One month before leaving (Feb. 1995), God gave me a dream in which I was preaching in the building of CLC (but, it was not CLC, but some other church, as I was not told at this time it was Bethel Church). The church was a full house that Sunday, and it was not a special service but an everyday Sunday morning service. When I awoke, I knew what God was saying to me that some day I would be the senior pastor of this church that I saw in my dream.
  As we were leaving Grass Valley and moving to Chester, on Hwy 20 God spoke to my heart VERY clearly saying, “I will bring you back to Grass Valley to put the churches back together under your leadership.” The message that I received from the Lord was that He wanted to restore the church to its original intent, which was to be a lighthouse to all of Nevada County.
  God reminded me several times through the next thirteen years about what He had spoken to my heart. But I have to tell you, in my mind I could not figure out how He would accomplish this.
  Several years later God sent us to Southpointe Christian Center in Sacramento, a church with approximately seven hundred in attendance. God was shaping and enlarging our perspective on how a bigger church operates.
  In 2003 at a leadership conference at Capital Christian Center, I happened to sit with Steve Brown who was the pastor of GVAG at the time I was at CLC. At the conference Steve told me that Grass Valley Assembly of God was going through a difficult time and was without a pastor. On my way home God began to stir my heart about going back to Grass Valley. So, through the process I found myself back in Grass Valley, but this time at Grass Valley Assembly of God.
  In the past when God would remind me of what He had spoken to my heart about reunifying the churches I always thought I would go back to CLC to put the churches together. But God in His wonderful wisdom had a different plan–a plan that would work, and it was not man’s plan but God’s. I remember the Lord telling me not to mention in public the “remarriage” of the two churches as He was going to bring others to me to talk about this possibility.
  The Lord spoke very clearly to me that He was placing me back in Grass Valley for both churches not just GVAG, but to be patient as He would work everything out in His timing, not mine. I want to make it VERY clear though, as I came to Grass Valley Assembly of God, my heart and passion was to be the best pastor that I could be for GVAG. I had BOTH eyes on the flock at GVAG. There was NO wandering eye over the flock of Christian Life Center.
  In the summer of 2005, not thinking about the “remarriage” while having devotions in the book of Genesis, I came to the verse where Jacob names a place “Bethel.” Instantly the Lord spoke to me that when the churches merge they were to return back to the original name “Bethel” which means “House of God.”
  I felt this would be a BIG snag in the process as I knew that some identified “Bethel” with the past split. But that very day and the following Sunday the Lord brought to me two confirmations of the future name change.
  Pastor Stroup of Christian Life Center resigned in March 2008. I did not know this in advance, but the Lord did. When news of this event came to me, the Lord spoke one word, “GO,” and I knew He had paved the way for the reunification (the remarriage) of the two churches.
  There were some “God moments” along the way. Early in the process the Lord directed me to read Nehemiah to see how He restored the wall. He wanted Nehemiah to rebuild the wall to its original intent, just as He was going to do for Bethel Church. Then I moved on to Ezekiel 37 at the encouragement of one of my board members.
  At the time in history of Ezekiel 37, Judah and Israel had split into two nations. God said to get two sticks and write “Judah” on one of them and “Israel” on the other and bind them together, and in the hand of the Lord they would never split again. Those verses leaped off the page, and God spoke to my heart, “This is what I am going to do for Grass Valley Assembly of God and Christian Life Center.” In prayer, the Lord gave Pastor Cindy the idea of getting two sticks (beams) together and writing the names of each church on them. I gave Roy Schippmann this project, and today we have the two sticks on display.
  Here are a few God moments which occurred during the process: A person from Christian Life Center had a dream about two separate landmasses with a canyon or a ravine between them. On each side of the canyon, a group of people was standing with a rope between them. At some point both sides started pulling–not like a tug-of-war, but pulling with the intention of pulling the landmasses together. When this was achieved in the dream, the jagged sides of each landmass fit together like a puzzle, as if they had been one landmass some time ago. (Remember the two sticks?)
  A man from Christian Life Center told his wife at a gathering of GVAG and CLC, that when he saw me he said, “Pastor Johnson is going to be our pastor someday.” This same thing happened on two other occasions at different functions where this couple saw me. The first time this happened the pastor of CLC was still there and not showing any signs of leaving. The man’s wife asked if they were to go to GVAG; and he said no, that it would just happen. The Lord was preparing hearts far in advance.
  During the six-month process of exploring reunification, Superintendent Jim Braddy and Dr. Jay Herndon met with both boards and suggested that the churches “date” each other for a month. July was our first exciting Sunday together, and we continued to meet together for the next four weeks.
  It was spectacular to see what God was doing. In the third week of August Pastor Cindy was reading in Nehemiah (not knowing that I had “camped” there in March) where it took them fifty-two days to rebuild the wall. The Lord spoke to her to count the days. To our amazement and wonder, from our first Sunday together, July 6, to the day of the vote on August 27, it was exactly fifty-two days. Just as God had restored the wall, He had restored Bethel Church in fifty-two days. Wow! God is awesome.
  The length of this story does not allow me to list all the “God moments” which occurred during the process, but I am overjoyed to tell you that by reuniting Christian Life Center and Grass Valley Assembly of God, God has restored Bethel Church to its original intent to be a lighthouse to Nevada County and the surrounding area. God is in the restoration business. Just wait on His timing. Don’t lag behind or get out in front of Him. LET GOD LEAD YOU, AND FOLLOW HARD AFTER HIM.

• 42 Janet George // Oct 14, 2009 at 9:24 pm

  Ditto: lydia maria gonzalez dross // Oct 12, 2009 at 12:08 pm

• 43 James MASIMER // Oct 15, 2009 at 12:39 am

  Life is like a hotdog stand. Can I help you? All hotdogs come wraped up in a bun. Headed for the same home.

  Common ground needs to be stable ground.

• 44 Adeyemi Adeleke // Oct 15, 2009 at 4:55 am

  I have been paying a close attention to your blog ever since you stated the awesome style of effective communication to reach the world in soft copy that i have transformed to hard copy by printing.The book is a full caption of knowledge gained in experience .We appreciate you john you are gift and special breed unto many generations.I would like to have friendly relationship with you as i have had with your books. LEKE from Lagos,Nigeria.

• 45 Miranda Martin // Oct 15, 2009 at 10:20 am

  Dear John,

  This is Miranda Martin daughter of Bill Klassen your first original prayer partner. My father Bill, has just celebrated his 88th birthday he is still doing amazing and talks of you daily. I recently became involved in MonaVie and noticed you had an article in one of their magazines, hence the connection. I have both my parents on MonaVie and they are experiencing awesome health benefits. Wouldn’t it be awesome if you shared a little in this chapter about how my dad and you connected years ago at Skyline Wesleyan Church. NOW THAT IS A TRUE CONNECTION. My father still prays for you daily and know that you are still loved and considered his son. Sending you much love and hugs from our family to yours.

  Miranda Martin
  770-330-2525 cell

• 46 Richard Whitehead // Oct 15, 2009 at 8:27 pm

  As a Law Enforcement Instructor preparing to teach a class to New Supervisors this is GREAT!!. I already frequently quote you, Covey, Blanchard, etc. and you continue to overwhelm that list. THANKS AGAIN & GOD BLESS.

  Editing notes below:
  > insert <
  Television host Larry King, who has conducted thousands of interviews, says that asking questions is the secret > to < every good conversation.

  I’ve been asking myself that question for the last several weeks, and when I finally came up with an answer, I set up this appointment.

• 47 Franisz Ginting // Oct 16, 2009 at 4:26 am

  PLEASE READ THIS:

  May I suggest an addition for point #1 of the barrier to finding common ground―Assumption.

  It’s a quote from a writer, Chimamanda Adichie. She said, “If we hear only a single story about another person or country, we risk a critical misunderstanding. ”

  Thank you.

• 48 musho // Oct 16, 2009 at 5:45 am

  wow!!!
  This books keeps getting better and better as each chapter unfolds.feels like I’m soaking in more insight…Thank you..:-)
  The questions:
  *’do i see what you see?’
  *’do i know what you know?’
  *’do i know what you want?’
  I realise now they should be running in mind when I am trying get that connection with some or people. Also, I think asking the question: ‘what do you sing about?’ is such a crucial question. That will sure reveal alot about a person..:-)

• 49 Kim Kumar // Oct 16, 2009 at 6:38 am

  Hi,
  The editing team is doing a good job. making it hard to locate typos/mistakes…nevertheless heres my list/suggestions:

  3rd para under: Connectors Connect on Common Ground
  ….Each of us create ( DELETE S) a framework for the way we process information.

  Under Barriers to Finding Common Ground
  …They ARE (ADDED ARE) build upon agreement, not disagreement….
  …You must guard against: (DELETED them)

  2nd para Under Inference—“I Don’t Care to Know What Others Know, Feel, or Want”
  …Each year I travel internationally as a (ADDED A) part of my speaking schedule.

  6th para Under Inference—“I Don’t Care to Know What Others Know, Feel, or Want”
  ….If you HAVE (ADDED HAVE) had a hard time connecting with people because you haven’t made the effort…

  Likability—“I Will Care About People” (LIKEABILITY IS THE RIGHT SPELLING)
  Roger Ailes, a former communication consultant to presidents, believes the most influential factor in public speaking is likeability. (LIKEABILITY IS THE RIGHT SPELLING)

• 50 Angelina Morris // Oct 16, 2009 at 9:36 am

  I am empowered and humbled ever time I read a chapter. You are a true Mentor of the Mind and Spirit. Kiddos to all who are assiting in making this one of your best books yet.

• 51 Michael Harrison // Oct 16, 2009 at 12:19 pm

  Thank you for sharing this great insight. Each chapter gets better and better. We are dead without the connection to other people. Some people stretch us and hopefully we stretch them and stretch others. The simple truth is … love your neighbor. Jesus said it but the world tells us to ‘use our neighbor’. We make this world a better place by real, relevant and relational connections.

• 52 Intan Jingga // Oct 16, 2009 at 12:51 pm

  thinking to communicate is to understand each other, to connect is to know you by heart, soul, mind and spirit…do u feel the resonant too?

• 53 Crystal // Oct 16, 2009 at 12:59 pm

  Wow! That’s a fantastic chapter. The point on Assumption. Really makes you think.

  Beyond even the obvious things such as gender, nationality, politics, faith often times a person will make a judgement on a person simply because of their appearance, how they are dressed, how did their hair, if they wear make up. If someone is dressed in tattered clothing often we assume that they don’t care about themselves, they probably have various problems with addiction, that they are unintelligent, possibly homeless, etc. We often forget that every person has a story, that they are someone’s child, there is someone who loves and cares about them, and that everyone wants the chance to be heard. If we assume something about a person’s character based on their appearance we will can miss out on the opportunity to truly connect with them.

• 54 Sandy Gorman // Oct 16, 2009 at 2:33 pm

  I like the statement that you can’t build a relationship with everybody in the room if you don’t care about any body in the room. Our son recently got married and we met friends and relatives who we haven’t seen in awhile. Each was eager to share experiences. After reading the previous chapters, I found myself connecting and wanting to connect even to people I was introduced to. I also like the statement by Supreme Court Justice Louis D. Brandeis. Serious controversies that arise in life result from misunderstanding. Misunderstanding causes strife and indifference. Thanks for writing another excellent chapter on connection.

• 55 Anne Stavrica // Oct 16, 2009 at 3:53 pm

  Your chapter is very helpful and useful to me, John.

  Reading this chapter and then reading the responses from readers, the few in particular focused on the assumptions we make, I am reminded of a real life story in the town I used to live in, Laguna Beach, California.

  My brother in law (who also lived there) explained to me how, in this extremely wealthy town of multi-million dollar homes and highly cultured, highly accomplished professionals, you will find an old man in scrubby clothes, long white hair, and a long white beard on a bicycle. Not a $2000 bicycle, just a beater bicycle.

  He rides along, visits coffee shops, drops in to the numerous art galleries, and you will find yourself asking, “What’s this homeless old man up to? Why do the gallery owners give him time of day? Why do the coffee shop owners let him sit down?”

  The reality is Laguna Beach does have a homeless population, and unlike Newport Beach, the next town up the road, is very generous to the homeless, providing for them and helping them get off the streets.

  I never got this old man’s name,
  but he’s not a homeless person, which I wouldn’t be surprised you already guessed.
  He’s a wealthy man.
  One of the wealthiest in Laguna Beach.

  One of the favorite lessons I gained from my time in Laguna Beach is that very often the accomplished didn’t brag when it came to interacting. They would find out I was a young professional, green and with everything to “prove” in my profession, and they would build me up and encourage me that I could do it.

  Two specific older friends, accomplished in their careers, gave of their time and provided professional guidance to me, because it gave them joy to do so.

  On the other note, I always knew who didn’t live in Laguna Beach because they would strut around town with their shoulders bent just so and with the whole world to impress. I often felt intimidated by these individuals.

  I learned even more the importance of suspending judgment and the importance of listening and of questioning whether I am “listening” as effectively as I think I am. I learned I didn’t want to be one of “those” who struts around in any circumstance.

  Just a story I was reminded of as I read your material. = )

  I greatly appreciate your work, John. Your work impacts me greatly because you write out of who you are and the experiences you have had. You are signficantly further along in the process and helping pave the way for many, and I definitely consider you a “mentor” in my personal reading.
  Thank you for your faithfulness.

  Anne Stavrica

• 56 Dan Dutrow // Oct 16, 2009 at 5:04 pm

  I think you’re missing one of the Barriers to Finding Common Ground. The ones you state address attitude problems, but for some people, it’s more of a competency or awareness problem. What about the “I care how you feel, but I don’t understand why you feel the way you do” or “I cannot relate to what you are feeling” or “I didn’t realize that you felt that way”

• 57 John Davison /Twitter // Oct 16, 2009 at 5:47 pm

  Powerful! In 37 years of business, military, public school and ministry leadership experience I’ve come to believe that Christian Leaders attempt to surround themselves with folks smarter than themselves and mentor them to take their place.You are in fact working yourself out of your position. God then leads you to your next role as your replacement steps forward either to fill your role or a similiar position and your mentorship begins over. The right leader mentors generations to come and they past that on so ones legacy- or real impact of ones leadership life is beyond our limited comprehension. A mentor really never finishes the cycle until death.

• 58 shiketa // Oct 16, 2009 at 9:42 pm

  Wow! I needed to read this chapter because I had a problem connecting with my employees. I now am going to really work on connecting with my staff. I will also use these tips with connecting with my children.

• 59 Catie Perschke // Oct 17, 2009 at 2:11 am

  I really appreciate all of the practical application that fills this chapter. Looking forward to seeing the results in my life.
  I too found it eye opening to realize that others had different temperaments than myself, but that it was okay. There is no one right kind of personality. I connected:)

• 60 Shireen // Oct 17, 2009 at 3:49 am

  Its amazing! I thought I was a good communicator as I read alot about connecting, but i realized there are deeper levels to how same information could be perceived or analyzed! Recently I had problems at work my boss used my over commitment i got sick for a while from pressure and drain and my relations at work and socially etc. were falling apart I was frustrated why would things hit back this way when i care too much for everything &everyone? i was searching for answers and i came to your blog. I know you sir I read many of your books and put your thoughts to test so I trusted you could help me & was so glad the topic of your book was my inquiry! in first chapters you mentioned how important it is to be sincere and caring so that people would connect to you i always read that and naturally I am Too passionate & caring so what was wrong? First scentence in this chapter was the answer. I was caring my way assuming this is the way people would like to be cared for and couldnt understand how can anyone be so ungrateful! I was on my way to meet my best friend of 18 years we have been going through unpleasant arguments in the last 8 months without getting to anything meangful. Completely no connection or point of understanding! I read the first part about the cookies lady and it suddenly hit me. I had hard time at my work and so did my friend, there was almost no real issue it was a silly topic about her accepting invitations from everyone else but not from me because as she stated ‘cares about them and doesnt want to annoy them’ yes she said that! to me that sounded like you’re my bfriend i take you for granted and i dont care if you re annoyed, Being a good communicator (as i thought of myself!) i decided to share my feelings with her to give her a chance to explain what i thought i understood (share my feelings does not really give her a chance to explain it would put her on the defense asking clearly was going to be better i know now:) She confirmed what she SAID which hurt me more so i tell her she doesnt care as much as i do. She hits back saying that i always criticize her and want her to accept whatever i ask her for and thats too hard. Again to me I hear more rejection and that i care for an issue not worth her valuable time.. ahh who needs this when life already has enough! reading the cooky lady’s story i called her and said it to her then she laughed and we started over differently this time suddenly we heard the same words with different meanings! she said she feels bad coz am the only one she can trust and feels free to skip doing things socially when she has difficult issues to handle in her life she. She was hurt i wasnt supporting or understanding her and making things harder for her she even talked to her husnand about this alot that he got bored with it. I almost screamed i never thought that you cared i said, i thought for the last 8 months i was the only one caring and chasing you to talk about it & that you dont bother that i was hurt and needed your support when i was having such a herd time at work. We both were so involved with the intensity of our hard times, emotions & excpectations from each others we communicated only the resulting feelings of the assumed problems.. I am thankful for this eyeopener could have avoided all the time and energy and mental emotional trap had we calmly tried to connect and ask specifically; Do I see/know etc. things the way you do! but its a good way to remember to; get out of our mind and care for people the way they like to be cared for sincere caring isnt about too much care but rather to extend efforrts to connect and understand others perception of care and support, thats my extended lesson
  Thank you and sorry for long post thought its good to share.. May we all be always enlightned..

• 61 James Richardson // Oct 17, 2009 at 7:53 am

  I’ve been asking that myself that question for the last several weeks, and when I finally came up with an answer, I set up this appointment.

  Hi John, I always get blessed and enlightened when I read what you’ve written. I pray God give you the strength of Moses: Deuteronomy 34:7. Also; I copy-pasted the sentence at the top from the section on Thoughtfulness. I think it has one ‘that’ too many. Please correct me if I’m wrong.

• 62 Ryan // Oct 17, 2009 at 10:20 am

  Finding common ground definitely helps in getting the kids I teach and coach to be more receptive. Finding common ground is connecting.

• 63 Barb Giglio // Oct 17, 2009 at 10:40 am

  What a great chapter! So many great “one liners” that speak volumes of truth. “Secrecy spawns isolation, not success”, I love that. I’ve read this chapter twice. And I find myself sitting here thinking about all the differenct personalities in my life. What can I do to better connect with the people the Lord puts in front of me? I’ve recently been hurt by some one very close to me and I feel I’ve failed God and this person by allowing my hurt feelings to get in the way of connecting to make a difference. It’s very hard for me to connect when people are negative, live in the past and not for today. It’s nice when you can talk with people and you know in your spirit you are connecting. Connecting is received and reciprocated. (I like that “one liner”!!!)I am really enjoying this book and all the comments. It’s refreshing to read that there are people out there who do care about connecting with others. Can’t wait for chapter 7! Thank you and God bless you. Barb Giglio

• 64 Simone N.Riley // Oct 17, 2009 at 9:39 pm

  You are awesome! Thank you for this great opportunity, to learn more about ourselves , and teaching us how to apply ourselves to others lives with correct communication .I have a wonderful relationship with all of my neighbors but 1, I am so very sad to say.My heart does not allow me to show anything but love, mercy, and compassion, even to an enemy.I know that we reap what we sow. This neighbor screams awful things to my 98 yr. young wonderful, superstar grandfather for over 3 years now. Police have warned her, petitions have been signed from witnesses against her, but this evil continues to my precious innocent grandfather who everyone loves, is a walking miracle, has all of his wits about him, and does not have a mean bone in his body,and I. We invite her to Bible studies, parties, offer her rides since she does not drive, and show nothing but kindness. It has gotten much worse over the years.We have tried everything.5 days ago 81 yr. old sweet neighbor, my grandfather and I just returned from shopping,I was praising God, and around the corner she came, screaming awful things to us but denies it all.Petitions, witnesses, police, still cant stop this.Not only for ourselves and our precious neighbors, but for her being in such rage with us, I want to do whatever needed to have peace. Please help us to understand how one communicates with someone full of so much hatred for us when we have only showed love? Grandpy and I pray daily for her salvation. We love her as God loves us ,despite ourselves and just want to do what is right. We want to know how to walk that common ground.Please keep her in your prayers, and us too. You are forever in ours. Thank you so much for your help. Looking forward always to your great teachings. God bless you and yours, eternally XOXO

• 65 Yvonne Green // Oct 17, 2009 at 10:47 pm

  This is going to be a book that will be hard to put down. Its just nugget after nugget.
  This cpater was especially annointed I felt like I was reading one of Joel Osteens books. Thank you for sharing the gift that God has instilled in you.

• 66 Marcelo J. Paillalef // Oct 17, 2009 at 11:07 pm

  I’m a big fan of Dr. Maxwell’s teachings and had the opportunity to read his books in Spanish. I have also learned a lot of English with the LW newsletters, and hope not to be wrong when I left a comment, but I think that what I’m trying to say can be understood.

  Well, reading this great chapter I want to ask if what I found is correct:

  “When he got really close, someone would tell him, “Your red hot. You’re on fire!””

  Isn’t it supposed to say “You’re red hot” Or is just that my English needs to improve?

  Thank you so much for stretching our vision with each article or book you share with us.

  Marcelo.

  Argentina

• 67 Monte White // Oct 17, 2009 at 11:30 pm

  My audience is generally filled with 4-9 year old boys and girls. I often find myself in the Assumptions & Arrogance stage. Always thinking, as an adult, I know better than they do. It has always been a struggle to knock down those barriers of common ground, I believe even more so when dealing with children. This chapter as pointed out several imperfections in my thought process. Great food for thought…thanks for helping me do my dishes!

• 68 Leonor // Oct 17, 2009 at 11:49 pm

  Dear John,

  Everything in this chapter makes so much sense! If only we could all apply it!! I think it’s easier said than done for some of us. Wonder why it’s so hard for some of us to find common ground and use this ‘mindset’ to help us succeed? It’s so true that we spend most of the time thinking of our own interests (i.e. we may be too nervous, we are too focused on our ideas and don’t care about how others feel, we are not involved, we don’t know the subject matter, etc.) and lose sight of the fact that we need to be able to build a bridge that will be a two-way street between ourselves and the listener—something that will allow us to connect with each other.

  Totally love your discussion on humility! It’s a phenomenal virtue that some of us lack. I truly believe that humility is the key to many of our communication problems. If we were only more humble, we would be able to understand others, communicate and connect, resolve conflicts, be less selfish, and our world would be a better place!

  Now I need to apply all these concepts in my life…….thank you!

• 69 Tobi Lytle // Oct 18, 2009 at 1:31 am

  A bounty of good ideas in this chapter. The three questions – at the end of the chapter (copied below) are both challenging and exciting. Intimacy, trust, and a courageous sense of self will come from answering these questions. In fact – I think I will answer these myself – and see what comes. Thank you for these. I will look forward to a deepening connection with others when I ask these beautiful questions of others.

  “When I want to really get to know someone, I ask three questions. People’s answers to these give me great insight into someone’s heart. The questions are:

  * What do you dream about?
  * What do you sing about?
  * What do you cry about?

  If you know the answers to those questions, you will be able to find common ground with someone and connect with them.”

• 70 Chin M C // Oct 18, 2009 at 3:47 am

  What do you dream about?
  What do you sing about?
  What do you cry about?
  The above opening lines are very good preludes to CONNECT with anyone we meet that we will have ears for their hope , like and dislike. Unless they do open up to us and share ,we will not be able to CONNECT effetively. We would have to us other skills in this book to make them want to talk to us.

• 71 Lindsay Fawcett // Oct 18, 2009 at 4:10 am

  I want to say thank you for this chapter. I have been living in Japan for 3 months now as a short term missionary (one year). I have so many communication barriers with the Japanese as cultures sometimes clash and misunderstandings take place. The wisdom in this chapter meets me right where I need it right now. It will help guide me in my time here with witnessing to the Japanese and supporting the current Christians at my church. Thank you and God Bless!!!

• 72 Chew Keng Sheng // Oct 18, 2009 at 4:49 am

  Dear John,

  I have been reading every of your online chapter (from Chapter 2 onwards) and leaving a comment or two, but I must this chapter convicts my heart more than any other previous chapters. I have so much more to learn. Learning to see things from others’ perspectives.

  I like this phrase:
  “Anytime you aren’t sure about how to bridge the communication gap, don’t start the process by telling people about yourself. Begin with moving to where they are and seeing things from their perspective. Adapt to them—don’t expect them to adapt to you.”

  Basically,
  “Seek first to understand, then to be understood” – Stephen R. Covey

• 73 Rick // Oct 18, 2009 at 5:43 am

  This is the first and only chapter I have read top to bottom because they get pulled offline so quickly.

  The chapter seems choppy and not terribly useful. It needs to be edited down, flow better, and have more substance.

  One thing I have noticed is that to connect better to the audience it is helpful to have multiple exposures. I think that’s important, but I don’t know where that observation would fit into your book.

• 74 Phil Holberton // Oct 18, 2009 at 7:57 am

  Hi,

  This is particularly poignant at this time as I am struggling to find common ground with one of my business partners. Reminds me a bit about Servant Leadership. Thank you

• 75 Gus // Oct 18, 2009 at 8:29 am

  I’ve always struggled with whether people cared for me before I cared for them. I of course would show that I cared on the surface but wouldn’t actually sacrifice much. I considered myself a good listener and would allow people to tell me about their story yet as though spoke I would begin to wonder, why aren’t they asking about me. But as a leader it becomes incumbant upon me to care for them first. I love this chapter and especially the practical part where we ask, “Do I Feel What You Feel?” Before Asking, “Do You Feel What I Feel?” Thanks again for challenging me with better leadership by connecting. Can’t wait for the book.

• 76 Joel Dobbs // Oct 18, 2009 at 10:12 am

  John,

  Thanks for the wisdom and insight. It all boils down to simply loving our neighbors as ourselves doesn’t it.

  I was especially struck by an earlier comment by a lady who indicated that she is a missionary in Japan and the challenges she faces connecting with people there. For the past several years I have been an executive with a large Japanese company. While I reside in the US I make frequent trips to Japan and engage in weekly calls and video conferences with my colleagues there. The language and culture are a minefield so one must be very careful in attempting to use anything more than the most basic of words. The relationships are further complicated by the fact that most of our work is conducted through translators making the interaction even more impersonal.

  I have found that sharing meals together and making a serious effort to try and enjoy even some of the stranger foods that appear on the menu has gone a long way towards cementing relationships.

  Thanks again for the opportunity to review and comment.

• 77 Edwin Sarmiento // Oct 18, 2009 at 11:00 am

  Reading the comments each week really provides a lot of insights supporting what has already been written by Dr. Maxwell.

  I recall a managing director who eventually became a friend after I left the company practicing the Law of Connection. When he came on board, he ordered that his executive office be taken down and asked for a mere cubicle so that everyone will be free to approach him as they wish. He goes around anytime, asking anybody to join him for coffee for a quick chat of just about anything outside of work. He makes sure he connects to everyone across the organization. Unfortunately, the board didn’t like what he was doing so they fired him. The people who liked him left as well and the company’s morale declined as well as their performance .

  I took that example and applied it when I moved to the next organization. I am the type of person who don’t really waste time at work so I make sure that I finish everything that I need to do before even taking a break for coffee. But I broke away from who I am to make sure I connect to anyone within the organization – from the utility man, to the rank and file even to some of the management – something that I try not to do to minimize involvement in office politics – joining them for coffee breaks for a quick chat. It may have taken me longer hours to finish my work but I did manage to connect with everyone in the organization. I became their friend instead of just their colleague and were willing to talk about anything outside of work. That has opened up opportunities to share what God is doing in my life (I try to avoid telling people I am a Christian, I let my works speak for themselves and let Christ’s light shine).

  Taking this from the 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership, The Law of Connection – Leaders touch a heart before they ask for a hand.

• 78 Mariette van Aswegen // Oct 18, 2009 at 12:48 pm

  John, I find your writing VERY educational. In the past 3 or more years, God has really started working on my potential and my growth as a leader… And my very first lesson was to listen and connect. I am currently an employee with an International company. Our company claims to have an “open door policy”, yet our management team doesn’t follow 1 of the principals listed in this chapter. I tend to “tap into people” as you gain so much more by giving your time and energy! Connecting to someone also means that you don’t always have an answer or a word of wisdom, but herein lies the “servants approach” – “Sjoe, I don’t know what to say to that…” – BUT I sure can pray about that! I can’t wait for this book to hit the shelves!! It will be a silent gift to many managers and friends (with one in my own library!)

  Thanks for sharing your knowledge and teachings – you are a blessing to millions!

• 79 Kimberly Tucker // Oct 18, 2009 at 5:58 pm

  Another great chapter. Finding common ground is paramount to connecting with others. I learned many years ago when in a leadership role to always “seek first to understand.” This chapter confirmed that concept for me.

• 80 Deb Ingino // Oct 18, 2009 at 7:30 pm

  John I love what you say on assumption. Here’s a story that reinforces that point.

  A young Mom who had gone through one of our My Wired Style parenting workshops last year stopped me at church to say how helpful the information was to both her and her young son. You see she had some ‘assumptions’ about her son since she had seen some personality traits very similar to his Dad with whom she did not have a good relationship. She came to realize that by her telling her young son he was ‘just like his Dad’ who was in jail and whom she often said negative things about she assumed her son knew that she loved him anyway. But she realized the damage that assumption was doing to him. So instead now she seeks to discover what he knows, she nurtures his strengths, encourages him in those strengths and is seeing a remarkable improvement in his behavior and their relationship.

  So while this book is so useful to those in leadership, there is no leadership position more important than that of parent.

  Thanks for all you do to reveal true leadership and authentic communication to us all.

  Can’t wait until the next chapter!

• 81 Twitted by sitapati // Oct 18, 2009 at 8:48 pm

  [...] This post was Twitted by sitapati [...]

• 82 Lea Carey/winewithfriends // Oct 18, 2009 at 8:54 pm

  Hi John,
  Again, you’ve brought it home~I think that finding common ground is fueled by understanding ‘purpose’. When an individual understands his/her purpose, it can CREATE points of intersection,
  Lea

• 83 Candace Sargent // Oct 18, 2009 at 8:59 pm

  Chapter 6 on common ground was a good chapter for the use of examples, stories and quotes from others, John! These gave it a richness I enjoyed!!

  I would add excerpts from “The Noticer” by Andy Andrews which is Common Ground 101. Just one example, Andy identifies the four major dialects that we use to convey and feel loved—ascertaining their dialect for feeling loved gives us insight into how best to communicate with them while establishing common ground.

  When I think of finding common ground, I think of word pictures because they spark aha! moments; adding voices and humor can amplify them but they also do quite nicely on their own. Slant it towards what they are interested in, passionate about. Consider whether they are visual, auditory, kenetic…whether they are concrete or abstract thinkers…whether they think overview, the forest, or detailed, the trees…then top it with a dose of humor!:) If you’re addressing a large group, incorporate a variety of word pictures that target each type; therefore, there’s an aha! moment for everyone:

  Jesus always had common ground in mind when he quoted from known scriptures and spoke in parables of word pictures that were relatable to the people at that time; the “he who hath no sin, cast the first stone” and “who’s face is on the coin? give unto Caesar what is Caesar’s” examples were very effective aha! moments. Also, it hasn’t gone unnoticed that many people who didn’t call themselves Christians still felt Jesus was a great teacher and communicator.

  To increase your chances for shared interest and common ground, stay plugged in and develop a broad spectrum of goods to bring to the table: current news, social media, trends, brands, movies, sports, etc.

  Side bar, establishing common ground between women and men has its own layer of challenge, especially since we women talk 4 times more and that disconnects many men prematurely before we even have a chance to do all the above; therefore, understanding the differences between the sexes is very important and required.

  So, assuming your starting point is genuine interest in people with 100% consistency of friendliness, open, relaxed ( 100% because the moment you flip to a different vibe, people think “fascade” or “got issues,” you lose trust), then you move on to common ground.

  In a nutshell, if you’ve stayed plugged in, consistently brought interesting goods to the table, stayed open friendly and talked to a variety of people, developed skills to read people and gain perspectives, used word pictures for aha! moments, solidly walked in their shoes (not just paid lip-service to), you have an excellent chance at establishing common ground with anyone, anywhere!

  I look forward to the next chapter,

  Candace

• 84 Laurinda // Oct 18, 2009 at 9:33 pm

  This was a great chapter. I realize that I can no longer wait until the Sunday of the deadline to read and comment. I’m still pondering the insight you’ve given at the beginning in regards to the different personalities and representational systems. I agree we all have to constantly look for ways to connect and find that common ground.

• 85 Alejandro Pozo // Oct 18, 2009 at 9:34 pm

  Amazing way to focused on others! Congratulations for this Chapter again.

  I will like to share two comments:

  Thoughtfulness—“I Will Think of Others and Look for Ways to Thank Them”
  A thankful attitude, with God and others, is the way you can be satisfaide and can closed the door for angry and bitterness. So you will reflect you are available for people!

  “If you want to impact people, don’t talk about your successes; talk about your failures.”
  Is interesting all what is at the backstage osf success. Do you know that Babe Ruth is also the one with more strikes in baseball history, as well one ot the best homerunners?
  Babe Ruth struck out 1,330 times in his career and made 714 Home Runs. For every home run, he failed 1.86 times. In other words, every time he tried to make a home run, he failed almost twice! That’s the way life sometimes is for us, average people. Not always we succeed at the beginning, but at the end, we will be remembered for the sum of our homeruns, not for our strikes.

  Thanks a lot for this opportunity to share something from us to to someone that has share a lot for us!

  Blessings,

  Alejandro Pozo, Monterrey-Mexico

• 86 fradel barber // Oct 18, 2009 at 9:41 pm

  another incredible chapter!
  The specific questions you mentioned are very helpful in terms of ways to connect to people. I think these ideas are applicable to everyone!

• 87 Hans Schiefelbein // Oct 18, 2009 at 9:41 pm

  I don’t know if you can use this or not, but your section on being available was humbling for me. As a ministry leader I wanted to feel important, so that meant I wanted to feel busy. When I was in charge of large group events (weekly or special events), I would often stay close to people in production or be running around like I was the director of a big-budget film. I wanted to look important, so I wasn’t available. I know that’s a different aspect (ego) that finding common ground, but maybe it’s a pull that leaders can feel that would take them away from being available. Nice insight and example.

• 88 Grace Bower // Oct 18, 2009 at 9:48 pm

  Another thought provoking collection of practical ideas on the barriers and connectors for common ground. Although my teacher side spots corrections I am coming from the reader’s point of view. I am getting bold enough to suggest a possible adjustment or fine tuning for even greater excellence. I am taking you at your word that you want as many people involved as possible. I see it as an opportunity to honour mentors, peers and fans so here goes!.
  Your reference to the five senses is picked up by #6 – there are different sources for the language guides he offers.
  The next section on barriers seems to me to be the place for your powerful personal story about Joe in Lancaster which you currently have under thoughtfulness. It seems to me to perfectly illustrate all four barriers on your part – Assumption-Arrogance-Indifference and Control. It was a personal failure that you labelled him under each of those headings. You nailed the annoyed, shocked, ashamed response and the consequences of your teachable moment were SIX years of support!! I think it is a stand alone example of the value of overcoming barriers. I’m sure you could find a replacement example for thoughtfulness. My favourite is my teenage daughter shopping for the first six weeks for her friend when she was a first time young mother – you have to see the need first before you can meet it!
  I am not familiar with the story references for iii and vi but I have heard them before and thought they were original to the people I heard them from – which might actually be creditied in that original article – just wondering.
  #55 Laguna beach is good for this Assumptions section. Love the generalisations and labelling issue here too.Your tweet “It’s impossible to add value to someone we devalue. If we don’t respect a person we can’t treat them with respect” fits the labelling comment too. Love “the good tailor measures every time” – we should give the same opportunity to people to change too. When we ASSUME we make an ASS out of U and Me fits here too.
  Archie Bunker is a great illustration – someone else always suffers!!
  Personal story about Russia very powerful – honours family too. Love the George Eliot quote – wonder about the Nelson Mandela quote as often it is Marianne Williamson who needs the credit for many of his speeches.
  #25 is a good example of a 2-way street that would be good to use somewhere.
  Secrecy Spawns Isolation by Mike Abrashoff is powerful.#30 includes loyalty and using the wealth of each person as the knowledge is shared for collective power.
  Loved the stories v and vi – If the first is already labelled as a Subordinates Lament maybe the second lament jars when it is more of a joke/funny story – say the Mushroom’s Creed or Lot or Complaint?
  Now for the Connectors.
  Great example of involving yourself in the church – Another strong teaching point by Florence at CLASS. You are there for everyone from the time you step off the plane/bus/car and meet the employing group – eat and talk e even sweep floors if necessary – real servant heart stuff. (As is her strong demand to honour the speaker/book/event by name where ever possible – not just well-known – or even worse speak as if it is your own).
  In Listening I liked the idea that we play the warm/hot/on fire game unconsciously and need to bring it into our conscious consideration of others.
  Glad you included the questioning of the audience background as a beginning of common ground with the Business- Education-Government and Religious aspects identified.
  Larry King uses the Why questions but while that gets him knowledge I think your golden questions you introduce at the end have the jewels – WHAT?!? brings the heart out – often to the surprise of the other person too.
  The final paragraph for the Likability comment would benefit from taking out your comments about “bet they were likeable”, make it a long question. Think about your favourite teachers, neighbours, schoolmates, aunty, uncle, Boss. What have they all got in common? Then after they have answered you in their head, you can say “I bet they were likeable”.
  Another question for you is about your EXCELLENT work with HUMILITY! Have you thought of it in it’s own right rather than in a list?Even Adaptability is more about humility. The Powerful teaching comment about false humility/arrogance and humility that raise up others fits with #14 comment about Lights up so bright in my spirit. The powerful quote by Cornel West would come so well as a conclusion after Rick Warren’s questions. Your personal story about failure sharing would suffice in the list for Humility. Adaptability could use #76 for Japan and food as a common ground and #14 has a great example of his mentor showing where to meet them.
  In the Running out of Gas section The Virtues Project calls it cup emptying and I have learnt from other friends the power of “What else?” until no response comes.
  I haven’t got time to look it up but #32 and the Ron Puryear F.O.R.M. section also uses lots of What…. questions and gives a great response pattern after meeting and connection.
  Other ideas that could be used would be #3 #32 #39 #41 #52 #57 #76 #77
  I am very happy to discuss anything if you send me a phone number I can phone you on my telephone plan in New Zealand. I am a day ahead and several hours behind so as you approach Sunday night at 10pm I am approaching Monday afternoon at 3pm!! How many weeks will I be tied up on Monday (ie – how many posts do you thinkit will take?) It is a great privelege to be a part of your new venture into reader feedback. Thanks and all the best to everyone involved in the project

• 89 Hans Schiefelbein // Oct 18, 2009 at 9:53 pm

  In the Likability section, I think it would be strategic to note Tim Sanders who has written a recent book with this title. He’s a very dynamic leader/speaker, and I think it would be powerful to reference someone who might be a competitor of yours.

  Also in the section where you re-write the speech and talk about your failures, you should note a better failure than your business doing very well under your leadership – it comes off as a false-example. (Sorry to point this out – you have more leadership in your eyelashes that I do in my body, but from an editorial perspective it jumped out at me.)

• 90 C. Hannan // Oct 18, 2009 at 9:55 pm

  Thanks again for allowing us to be part of the writing of your book.

  Just some observations/comments:
  -IN the beginning when you mention that the first rule of communication…and common ground….. applies whether “you are resolving conflict……..or communicating to an audience.” This brought to mind again how with an ‘audience’ it requires getting to know your audience ahead of time, you most likely can connect better when you know who you are talking with/to.

  -I liked the cookie story – thought it was a great illustration!! It also brings up another point in addition to not making assumptions about people – it also was a great example of the kindness of the other person!!– perhaps he was not making negative assumptions about her (taking his cookies) but also went even further and past that. He was gracious and even broke the last one in half to share with her. Maybe he did make ‘assumptions’ but they were probably for the benefit of the other person (maybe she was hungry, maybe she made a mistake and thought they were hers), not a negative.

  -thought the quote by D. Brandeis was good. Sometimes I think that if people just took a little more time to listen and understand and not be so quick, then there could be less misunderstandings.

  -Under the area “4. Control – “ the observation that U.S Navy captain Abrashoff
  I think as a leader whey you explain ‘the plan’ or what you are trying to achieve, it is good, but if you explain why and the reason behind it and for it, it not only helps others to understand a purpose but it also allows them to buy into the vision and be a part if it. Then you can work together!!

  -Under the first point to being a good connector – ‘Availability”:
  When I first read that – it caught my attention and I looked right away for who said it or what backed the about the ‘six minutes’ – there wasn’t any factual info, it just said ‘Someone once told me’. I think I found myself more distracted by this paragraph then getting anything from it. Just a thought but perhaps other then the first sentence, the other three sentences could be eliminated.

  -Listening – yes, important!!!

  -I liked the Elizabeth Dole story about connecting with her audience.

  -“..when I was a pastor is this: people don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.” This is said in my church too!!

  Thanks again for the opportunity to contribute and give feedback.
  Blessings on you.

• 91 Connectors Do the Difficult Work of Keeping It Simple | John Maxwell on Leadership // Oct 18, 2009 at 11:57 pm

  [...] By the way, if you’re not reading the comments for these posts, you’re missing out on some nuggets of amazing wisdom. I only wish I could use all of this gold in the book. Now, let’s move on to Chapter 7, Connectors Do the Difficult Work of Keeping It Simple: [Read more →] [...]