First off, before I forget yet again, let me start with a request that you provide a chapter summary of high points/action items (e.g. “What To Take Away From This Chapter”). Especially with this type of book, application is key, so if it isn’t provided, we have to create one ourselves. Today, with so much information to digest and apply, when it’s present, it gives the reader freedom to really enjoy the chapter; otherwise, I usually read the chapter once to enjoy it, and then again, to glean “take away” points.

I’ll start reading and commenting as I go:

The opener doesn’t grab me as well as previous chapters; however, the Hillham example was EXCELLENT!!!!! It was lengthy but its length was necessary: detailing the significant energy expenditure, A to Z, was critical for a complete picture of what will need to become SECOND-NATURE to those who strive for the ease and confidence of connecting.

I agree about sincere gratitude expressed in SPECIFIC words… “Every young pastor should spend their first years of ministry at Hillham. It would give them a foundation for a successful ministry.” is a wave of warmth that washes over them. Your last words to them topped off the Hillham Reunion perrrrfectly, graciously; they felt deeply valued which is one of THEE BEST things you can convey to anyone.

Important to me… As I’m reading on, you switch to “Top 10 Minglers” followed by “Five Proactive Steps…” My brain is struggling… First, I really needed a summary “Top 10 Points,” so-to-speak, that you applied at Hillham which was a great example of A to Z so I need “take away” points that I can apply to other situations. And second, it’s followed by “Top 10 Minglers” so I have to determine how it relates: is it a completely separate list for a whole other type of connecting like at a get-together?..or are there overlaps with Hillham? Looks like there’s overlaps: when you met the day before at the reunion get-together, you would have applied “Top 10 Minglers.” Then on to “Five Proactive Steps…” which also has overlaps with Hillham. A reader’s brain shouldn’t have to work this hard…maybe the chapter summary would have sorted it out and brought it together?

Your colleague Dan Reiland was right on-the-money; Dan not only expresses it succinctly but also, pleasing which may be his rhythm, maybe his alternating between short and long sentences…whatever it is, it keeps your momentum going and your absorption high.

MORE THOUGHTS…

Reserves are bone-dry:

What happens when u simply don’t have the energy and reserve tanks are bone-dry, AND NOW, you are walking into the get-together? Set your cruise control by parroting—for example, when he starts talking about his trip to the Andes, you’ll parrot enthusiastically, “You took a trip to the Andes?” And he’ll happily respond “Yes! It was innnnncredible…I did…I saw…I climbed all the way to the top of the highest peak!!” You continue parroting “Oh my gosh, you climbed all the way to the top?” …(Just get into a rhythm with a little randomness to keep it fresh—he will end up carrying 95% of the conversation and loving every minute of it! )

Recharging reserve tanks:

It’s very important to recharge reserve tanks because if consistently left empty, you’ll have to shut down connecting for self-preservation. First, we pray the Holy Spirit comforts and fills our reserve tanks to the brim Second, friends… Givers consistently use up energy, sometimes a lot, sometimes every last molecule leaving even our reserve tanks bone-dry as the Sahara. So, we make sure our inner circle of friends are givers so we’ll have enough energy for the outer circle, on out into the world.

Framework/Mechanics:

If you don’t have the framework, the mechanics down, it seems to burn 10 times the energy. Practicing and learning the framework is what we used to do in the old days when people grew up trained in etiquette, social graces, etc….this was a foundational starting point to connecting.
Unfortunately, today we don’t put enough training and preparation in this area so right off, people are at a disadvantage because they are unaware of the MANY reasons why they aren’t connecting??? These are learned later if they are fortunate enough to catch at least an interpersonal communications class or hit the self-help section at the bookstore.

Just like all the learning you had to do early on: crawl, walk, talk, eat with utensils…all of these mechanics were a great effort that drained much energy..that’s probably why toddlers go to sleep, out cold on the ground, in their chair, on their plate. Similarly, learning all the mechanics of connecting is exactly the same: when you start the real work, it’s exhausting, but after you’ve mastered the mechanics, it leaves so much more time for the cream of the connection, like cream rises to the top, you want that sweet cream of real enjoyment, the ease of making each unique connection.

It takes energy but you’ll expend that energy either way: either COPING or CONNECTING!
If people don’t commit themselves to doing the hard work of learning and practicing connection, A to Z, it has such a huge negative impact on their daily lives:/ I liken it to going through life without knowing how to read..the toll it takes, never knowing why someone isn’t calling you back, “Why am I not connecting?” “What does John have that I don’t?” “I know they really just don’t like being with me and I don’t know why?” “I hate going to those functions..I didn’t talk with anyone all night and nobody noticed.” ..the incredible exhaustion of it, the fallout..expending that kind of COPING energy is much worse than buckling down , and once and for all, learning and mastering connection.

In learning the mechanics, it’s helpful to create templates for common scenarios; then memorize and soak them in like your morning routine on auto-pilot. Afterwards, tailor your connection to types that strengthen you; include not only those that expend less energy but those you get excited about and look forward to. Diminish or discard the types that bottom you out quickly or create in you avoidance behavior, etc; otherwise, you get weary and risk reducing connection across the spectrum.

What each person draws from you:

What adds to the energy depletion is trying to figure out what each person draws from you; to them you are: witty interesting or sharp intellectual dinner conversation, positive cheerleader, sounding-board, good shoulder to cry on, etc. It varies quite a bit so you use energy to pay attention to clues and shift gears.

Again, John, I loved this chapter on energy…can’t wait for Chapter 5.

Candace