Connecting Always Requires Energy
ByChapter 4 Synopsis
Connecting Always Requires Energy
When I was working on my bachelor’s degree, I took a speech class. More than forty years later, I can truly say that learning how to speak to an audience has been foundational to my journey through life as well as to my growth as a speaker. It was in that class that I heard what my professor called the “Four Unpardonable Sins of a Communicator”: being unprepared, uncommitted, uninteresting, or uncomfortable.
Do you notice the common denominator for three out of four of those “sins”? It’s energy.
Think about the best communicators you know – public speakers, team leaders, and individuals. Make a mental list, then consider this: how many of them are low-energy people? I’d be willing to bet the answer is none. Even when people come across as fairly low key, they usually possess reserves of energy that are not evident on the surface. Why do I say that? Because connecting with other people doesn’t just happen on its own. If you want to connect with others, you must be intentional about it. And that always requires energy.
It doesn’t matter with whom or within what context you are trying to connect. It’s always the same: you need to bring energy to do it effectively. And to make the most of connecting opportunities, you must channel that energy strategically. There are specific things you can do to help foster connection – everything from taking initiative to knowing your audience to acting selflessly. Learning and practicing these strategies will improve your connection with anyone—with your spouse, at a social gathering, with coworkers or your boss, at a meeting, from a podium, or on stage in a stadium.
If you want to connect with others, but are hoping you can do so without being intentional, forget about it. Connecting always requires energy.
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This chapter, as with the others was very educational and motivating. Like you said, we must be able to connect with people to lead and we must know that they are not perfect. My National Director and Mentor, Jamie Vrinios is a great leader and uses a lot of your material while training. This is how I have come to know of you and read your books and gain knowledge of how to be a good leader and a more selfless person. I definatly need to learn to renergize myself, being a mom, going through a divorce and trying to be a student and a team leader all at the same time. I will be a director by 2010 and I have gained some great knowledge and insight from reading your book. Thank you for sharing this and giving back as so many great leaders have also done! God Bless.
Another great chapter and great comments. I love that this book has a different flavour as you accept comments and acknowledge your support systems and learning from your mistakes. I hope there is a reading list at the end of the book that includes all the books you have quoted/shared/learnt from over the years that you have mentioned in this book.
I agree with 84 that the story of your reconnection process was so helpful as a teaching tool. Because the reunion was all about Hillham Church that nurtured you in your early days the way each point started with I seemed out of sync – maybe the re-connections came through….. (each point) would put the focus on your end goal instead of you? I loved the comments about impress with success – identify with failures in your sermon and the generous memorabilia gifts as a tangible reminder of the input. 71 also emphasised the importance of gratitude.
Appreciate the four Unpardonable Sins and the Ten Top Minglers advice.
Maybe it would help to imprint the 5 proactive ways to use energy if you used a one word command first such as Initiative, Clarity, Patience, Generosity, Stamina in order to automatically invoke the pattern. Then subtitle with connect by going first, connect by preparing, connect by slowing down, connect by giving, connect by recharging.
Love the appreciation from 50-Les Stobbe – wonder if a heading of The first person to… then bullet points…teach about….. Name would inspire others to list their firsts too.
6, 30, 69 all commented on the Know your audience questions – what about a template in an appendix? Lisa also gave a great example from Florence Littauer that could be another resource book in your list.
Patience is such an important attribute – a really helpful book for all is the Power of Patience by Mary Jane Ryan of Conari Press. 65 suggested the Ben Hur quote and 57 talked about using it with children. 16 had a quote about consideration and moving at the pace of others.
16 talks about feedback and 72 about humble confidence – the quote by Dan about his analysis needs to be accepted as it is his integrity that he says it even if it is hard for you to accept. The list of takers and givers deserves it’s own place as a quote in it’s own right – applicable to all communicators. 7 suggests the Ultimate Connection! 20 has a great contribution to use here about giving and taking. 32 has a music example that fits here too.
Lots of comments about the recharging! Your example of Margaret with no agenda resonates with 15, 70, 74, 79, 81 in respect to family and children and energy and rest. 51 is a doctor example of scheduling recreation – RE creation is important! 60 introduces the beach – almost any type of nature recreates and relaxes.
2 makes the point that we are ALL communicators and 22 points out it is all actionable by all personalities. I would love to see you use the Tupperware example of 30 for the unexpected results – and a laugh!
Finally 54 is a great quote on JOY!!!
Hope something here is helpful or sets off a spark that helps you. Looking forward to Chapter 5.
John,
What a thought provoking chapter 4.
As I read it through a few times, I came to a common recognition of the times in my past when I consumed greater amounts of energy to avoid connecting (and I tend to be extroverted most of the time) and felt miserable by it.
I came to realize that perhaps the energy to not connect is far greater than the energy it takes to connect. I think that, honestly, we may all have these moments. We can probably agree that, unresolved, we feel tired and not to good with ourselves with the energy we’ve wasted to not connect or “work” at a relationship.
I suppose there is not much sense in “going-green” when it comes to “relationship-energy-consumption”. So, in our relationship with God, ourselves, our family, our work, our friends, our community, lets pray to be the great consumers of energy.
Ed
Whether the vulnerable moment is laziness, selfish, – whatever the motive I recall that
John,
A great chapter!
As a physician, I can say that many patients are takers,I go home exhausted, and sometimes it is hard to get away to recharge.
But when I recharge it’s so good for me and to my patients, I’m sure of this.
God Bless you!
I’m waiting for the next chapter!!
I really got a lot out of reading the five ways to use energy for connecting. I was surprised that the word “servant” never got used.
john~
due to living a life of dysfunction, in which resulted in becoming of the ‘product of my enviroment’ — a COMPLETE statistic — i have found myself faced with many trials and tribulations, of overcoming and growing past that season, later when taking ownership at the age of 22.
now, i find myself a faithful woman that has found herself resorting to books as a way to enlighten, guide, educate and inspire. they, being the books, has served as the vehicle in becoming much of who i am today.
you john maxwell, i hold in such high esteem due to your faith in god, your drive in ministering to others, your passion for teaching and guilding as well as the plethora of knowledge that you choose in sharing.
with all that said–you by no means are the ‘golden cow’
yet, your wisdom, due to how relational you are, how genuine you are, i have found you in being a source of inspiration of hope, for me.
i have EXTREME fear of being as well as speaking in front of others. yet i experience much torment when baptizing my pillow in tears — pondering all that is on my heart…of sharing and teaching, of all that my life has consisted of. i have an undeniable calling to lead, give, teach share and serve.
because of my commitment and desire of being a student, now if not forever…i find myself implementing your works into my days. hoping to adopt them as my own…with a few twists and turns, or course.
this season in my life is a definite season of tremendous growth. you, are a blessings to me, as well to many.
thank you for enabling yourself to being god’s vehicle.
thank you for sharing your successes as well as sharing your mistakes.
blessings to you and your family~
There were moments reading this chapter that I actually got chocked up. It’s amazing to me how you take common themes we all usually take for granted and often miss and you nail them to the wall. Brilliant. And, for what it is worth, I agree with Dan!
Connecting requires energy for sure, however when we are willing to expend energy on others it always comes back many times over. “As we sow, so shall we reap”! This is so true in the area of connecting with others.
An excellent chapter!
I would suggest changing this sentence:
A young woman who was not accustomed to driving with a manual transmission stalled a car at a stoplight.
A young woman repeatedly stalled her car at a stoplight because she wasn’t used to driving a car with a manual transmission. (Leave out the next sentence starting with, “When the light turned green… ) Continue the paragraph with “Each time she started the car…”
I worked for a pastor who was so arrogant and self serving that I had to quit my job and the church I loved so much. I would LOVE for him to read this book. I think he will actually, but he’ll never recognize himself as an egotistical tyrant.
Thank you so much for the opportunity to read this book as you have posted it. It’s wonderful!
I really pray that this book will reach people
As I read this chapter I kept smiling because it is echoing a lot of what God has been teeling me this week about getting the focus off of “self” and onto “others.” Jesus of course being the greatest example of this. He could have quit His mission at any time since He knew the pain He would have to go through but His love and focus on others needs overpowered any desires He had for His own well being and comfort. Thanks for writing this!
I will read this over and over. It has many nuggets to chew on. As a leader and communicator we need to give with a pure heart for adding value to our audience. And although our audience may not be able to put the feeling to words, they will leave either feeling more or less full. What a responsibility. And if we start from the end and work backward, we will put the time, energy, and thought into our presentation. Priceless examples from people you have learned from. They punctuate this chapter with reinforcement and clarity. I will thank Gator for sending a tweet on this opportunity.
John, I love the subject of connection requiring energy. Busy week and I have to run to dinner very soon, but I wanted to get in quick before comments closed on Chapter 4; I forget sometimes that there’s 3 hours difference so it closes at 7pm our time. It might be kind of messy, so read at your own risk lol.
First off, before I forget yet again, let me start with a request that you provide a chapter summary of high points/action items (e.g. “What To Take Away From This Chapter”). Especially with this type of book, application is key, so if it isn’t provided, we have to create one ourselves. Today, with so much information to digest and apply, when it’s present, it gives the reader freedom to really enjoy the chapter; otherwise, I usually read the chapter once to enjoy it, and then again, to glean “take away” points.
I’ll start reading and commenting as I go:
The opener doesn’t grab me as well as previous chapters; however, the Hillham example was EXCELLENT!!!!! It was lengthy but its length was necessary: detailing the significant energy expenditure, A to Z, was critical for a complete picture of what will need to become SECOND-NATURE to those who strive for the ease and confidence of connecting.
I agree about sincere gratitude expressed in SPECIFIC words… “Every young pastor should spend their first years of ministry at Hillham. It would give them a foundation for a successful ministry.” is a wave of warmth that washes over them. Your last words to them topped off the Hillham Reunion perrrrfectly, graciously; they felt deeply valued which is one of THEE BEST things you can convey to anyone.
Important to me… As I’m reading on, you switch to “Top 10 Minglers” followed by “Five Proactive Steps…” My brain is struggling… First, I really needed a summary “Top 10 Points,” so-to-speak, that you applied at Hillham which was a great example of A to Z so I need “take away” points that I can apply to other situations. And second, it’s followed by “Top 10 Minglers” so I have to determine how it relates: is it a completely separate list for a whole other type of connecting like at a get-together?..or are there overlaps with Hillham? Looks like there’s overlaps: when you met the day before at the reunion get-together, you would have applied “Top 10 Minglers.” Then on to “Five Proactive Steps…” which also has overlaps with Hillham. A reader’s brain shouldn’t have to work this hard…maybe the chapter summary would have sorted it out and brought it together?
Your colleague Dan Reiland was right on-the-money; Dan not only expresses it succinctly but also, pleasing which may be his rhythm, maybe his alternating between short and long sentences…whatever it is, it keeps your momentum going and your absorption high.
MORE THOUGHTS…
Reserves are bone-dry:
What happens when u simply don’t have the energy and reserve tanks are bone-dry, AND NOW, you are walking into the get-together? Set your cruise control by parroting—for example, when he starts talking about his trip to the Andes, you’ll parrot enthusiastically, “You took a trip to the Andes?” And he’ll happily respond “Yes! It was innnnncredible…I did…I saw…I climbed all the way to the top of the highest peak!!” You continue parroting “Oh my gosh, you climbed all the way to the top?” …(Just get into a rhythm with a little randomness to keep it fresh—he will end up carrying 95% of the conversation and loving every minute of it! )
Recharging reserve tanks:
It’s very important to recharge reserve tanks because if consistently left empty, you’ll have to shut down connecting for self-preservation. First, we pray the Holy Spirit comforts and fills our reserve tanks to the brim Second, friends… Givers consistently use up energy, sometimes a lot, sometimes every last molecule leaving even our reserve tanks bone-dry as the Sahara. So, we make sure our inner circle of friends are givers so we’ll have enough energy for the outer circle, on out into the world.
Framework/Mechanics:
If you don’t have the framework, the mechanics down, it seems to burn 10 times the energy. Practicing and learning the framework is what we used to do in the old days when people grew up trained in etiquette, social graces, etc….this was a foundational starting point to connecting.
Unfortunately, today we don’t put enough training and preparation in this area so right off, people are at a disadvantage because they are unaware of the MANY reasons why they aren’t connecting??? These are learned later if they are fortunate enough to catch at least an interpersonal communications class or hit the self-help section at the bookstore.
Just like all the learning you had to do early on: crawl, walk, talk, eat with utensils…all of these mechanics were a great effort that drained much energy..that’s probably why toddlers go to sleep, out cold on the ground, in their chair, on their plate. Similarly, learning all the mechanics of connecting is exactly the same: when you start the real work, it’s exhausting, but after you’ve mastered the mechanics, it leaves so much more time for the cream of the connection, like cream rises to the top, you want that sweet cream of real enjoyment, the ease of making each unique connection.
It takes energy but you’ll expend that energy either way: either COPING or CONNECTING!
If people don’t commit themselves to doing the hard work of learning and practicing connection, A to Z, it has such a huge negative impact on their daily lives:/ I liken it to going through life without knowing how to read..the toll it takes, never knowing why someone isn’t calling you back, “Why am I not connecting?” “What does John have that I don’t?” “I know they really just don’t like being with me and I don’t know why?” “I hate going to those functions..I didn’t talk with anyone all night and nobody noticed.” ..the incredible exhaustion of it, the fallout..expending that kind of COPING energy is much worse than buckling down , and once and for all, learning and mastering connection.
In learning the mechanics, it’s helpful to create templates for common scenarios; then memorize and soak them in like your morning routine on auto-pilot. Afterwards, tailor your connection to types that strengthen you; include not only those that expend less energy but those you get excited about and look forward to. Diminish or discard the types that bottom you out quickly or create in you avoidance behavior, etc; otherwise, you get weary and risk reducing connection across the spectrum.
What each person draws from you:
What adds to the energy depletion is trying to figure out what each person draws from you; to them you are: witty interesting or sharp intellectual dinner conversation, positive cheerleader, sounding-board, good shoulder to cry on, etc. It varies quite a bit so you use energy to pay attention to clues and shift gears.
Again, John, I loved this chapter on energy…can’t wait for Chapter 5.
Candace