113 responses so far ↓

• 1 Htaik Seng // Sep 28, 2009 at 12:26 am

  Engery: our life blood that make us alive.
  So if we want to connect we need to develop more engery.

• 2 Michael C. Tolentino // Sep 28, 2009 at 12:34 am

  All of us are communicators as God had given us the ability to communicate. Most of us may probably won’t agree with this and may say that this is simply bestowed to few people. What I can say tho is that, we need to re-think about this notion.

  Considering that we were blessed with wisdom above all other living creations, we are all communicators. Then why most of us are having difficulty in communicating? This is because, communicating requires energy.

  Connecting always requires energy — no doubt about it. It takes great effort physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually prepared to untap our potentials and eventually be a great communicator. These are just some of the many elements by which one is better communicating with crowds, one who outstands the small group, those who are at best with one-on-one discussions, and for those who commit in achieving to be a great communicator regardless of how many and who they communicate.

• 3 Tes Casin // Sep 28, 2009 at 12:51 am

  5 Proactive Ways…point number 3 hit me bullseye. I’m still on a state of denial..hang on…give me five minutes to ponder it.

  No, I need more than five minutes for this…this hurts me..because it means it needs working on. I am very much a ‘result oriented’ person. I also do not wait for deadline to come before acting on something.
  As a real estate agent, I liaise with finance brokers, solicitors, vendors, buyers, my staff. And often, I’d think “why can’t they work like me?”
  Maybe because I am merely communicating, NOT connecting.
  Thanks, for this one, You really are a great mentor!

• 4 Amy Wood // Sep 28, 2009 at 1:00 am

  Really appreciate the insight into the connections we make, and how to do it better. As a local news anchor heavily engaged in social media and a frequent public speaker this is so on target for what I live and breath. The advise on re-charging is so critical. And the insight into why if we do it right we will be so drained, is so helpful. Appreciate Geoff Wasserman sharing this on Twitter!

• 5 Kevin Leochko // Sep 28, 2009 at 1:12 am

  What a great Chapter. It made me stop and think
  how intentional have I been with connecting
  to people.

• 6 Sue Cartun // Sep 28, 2009 at 1:44 am

  Ah! yes. Many thanks for the who, what, when, where and how Q’s. Preparing for any meeting by asking those seven critical questions makes such good sense. Especially the last question: “How do they want to feel when we conclude?” Only by answering that can you determine what you have that you can offer them – question #6.

  This section is quite serendipitous for me – am flying out tomorrow to meet with a group for first time and thought my homework was done. Not!

  On another note, although this seems counterproductive to the tone of the chapter, I would offer up that my experiences have been somewhat different regarding expenditure of energy. When I’ve truly connected, it has been highly energizing rather than draining.

  Looking foward to the next chapter!

• 7 Shirley de Rose // Sep 28, 2009 at 1:59 am

  I agree with Sue. Connecting thru the heart is always energizing, however it’s difficult to be truly connected all the time. Getting thru our fear of connection is always hard whether it’s with 1 person or 100 people in an audience. Having private time was something even Jesus did. I wonder if he needed re-charging or was he just interested in intimate time with his Father – the Ultimate Connection.
  As to your chapter, I really like your clear and unaffected style of presentation. Makes reading easy and that’s a blessing in these busy times. Thanks!

• 8 Jenni Baier // Sep 28, 2009 at 2:02 am

  I struggle in this area. No one has ever accused me of being a “people person!” I don’t connect well… or at least, I don’t make good connections consistently. (And if I’m really honest about it, I’d have to admit that the best connections in my life are the ones that were initiated by others who are good connectors!)

  This chapter made me aware of some “disconnection” habits that I can now work to improve. I may never be the life of the party, but I *can* step up and initiate some conversations. If I prepare for those situations ahead of time, perhaps I won’t be as uncomfortable. It would also serve me well to slow down a bit and be patient.

  You’ve given me a lot to think about. Thanks for sharing this with the world!

• 9 Lucia Diaz // Sep 28, 2009 at 2:44 am

  Hello =-) I am really loving this special reading moments… I even got teary eyed reading your story about the church in Hillham. Thanks for such a great lesson.

  To “go first” and “give” is the #1 lesson to learn at my church… now it is more clear why it is so important… it takes shyness away, it builds up self-esteem and confidence… at church we are encouraged to get up and go give a hand shake with a “God Bless You” to everyone SPECIALLY the visitors and new people =-) it sure does make a great difference specially because most people are looking to be found, most people are waiting for someone to come into their life and rescue them. The gift is as big as the person needing it. Some people just need a smile to remind them of their own smile.

  How do you work with energy during a presentation to elevate or relax the audience? Because some of the great speakers that i know are able to make me cry, laugh, deeply think, and encourage me to make a change for good… does that only depend on the subject or is energy a part of my reaction to the message? For example, Joyce Meyer (i believe) is a great communicator, and every time i listen to her, i know she makes an impact in my life. I also know that she has a great audience, how does someone connect with soooooooo many different kind of people? or does the audience have something in common? I also know that every time you speak for WorldWide during Spring Leadership (i’ve been there) you are able to connect with the audience. I think that is awesome!!!

  ohh… and also…

  explain how important it is to know the reason why the audience is there, and what are they expecting to hear/learn from the communicator. I walked out from a presentation once (i know it was rude), but the speaker was talking about anything but what he promised to talk about. Was that false advertisement or poor preparation?

  God Bless!!

• 10 Chia Hui Ling // Sep 28, 2009 at 3:53 am

  Hi
  I like what you say about communicating needing energy and in the midst of having energy in communicating, one has to have certain attributes that one can learn and practice on. I believe it will help me understand the people around me and myself too ie the heart behind everything that is said and done for and from people. Thank you!
  Jesus Loves You!

• 11 musho // Sep 28, 2009 at 7:07 am

  hello!!
  oh my word!! i just love the way yo have structured this chapter. it is engaging.From the beginning, as i was reading it i kept refering to people i knew and i envied for their ability to connect with people. and voila!! b- mid way this chapter i realised some of their secret/attributes.
  one of my biggest fears is being lonely..even though i do spend a great deal of time on my own outside work. thank you for making me realise that i need to be proactive in connecting with peopli.e be an initiator…mostly, i depend on people to come through for me…even with my boyfriend.if they don’t call,i’ll stay cooped up in my house all by myself wondering if this is how it’ll always be for me..thank you..
  and the part about being a giver when connecting with people..that is so true..i have always wondered why i always find myself glued to your writings,that’s it..you are a giver in your speeches..please keep doing it and being that person.thank you..:-)

• 12 mary angelica reginaldo // Sep 28, 2009 at 7:34 am

  i guess in whatever business setting, to be able to communicate effectively one must be interested, well-mannered, informed and for customer care people, to add to those I have mentioned listening skills – to understand and address the need of their customers at a particular time.

• 13 Richard Boothby // Sep 28, 2009 at 8:54 am

  Great chapter.
  This is perfectly brilliant! Connection with people is what brings life to relationships. I know the people in my life that have the most fun are those that have the greatist relationships with people. I know that the people that have the least fun are the ones who have weak connections with others. Your message on connection through energy will be a ‘wake up call” to so many.

  This is a chapter that not only brings clarity and meaning to connecting with others, but it also provides and avenue for people that have high energy in need of a positive channel to focus that energy towards. What better way to use surplus energy than to spend it on improving your abiltiy to connect with others.

  11/10 – I’ll take 10 copies when this book is ready.

• 14 Richard H // Sep 28, 2009 at 9:08 am

  As a preacher, I work on the assumption that I have to earn people’s attention every time I speak. Once upon a time I might have been able to assume that people came to church feeling a duty to listen, but I don’t see that any more.

  For this reason connecting with my people is absolutely essential. My normal habit is to get out and connect with the people before the service. I aim to personally greet all the adults, youth and children there. People really seem to appreciate being greeted by name (like you, I work on knowing people’s names – even those who only attend once or twice a year).

• 15 Gail MCKenzie // Sep 28, 2009 at 9:13 am

  Thanks for corralling my thoughts on this one. I have always been told I have tons of energy and I do love connecting with people. What most people don’t understand is how important my down time is. I run at lighting speed constantly and when I need to rest I need to rest. I have had to learn over the years how to handle and carefully cull out the energy suckers. I have realized though what sucks energy from me may not necessarily suck energy form someone else and I have learned to let go of my I can do everything by myself attitude and have started using some of my energy helping people get connected with other people who may have the energy for them.. I hope that makes sense. Connecting with people to me is the greatest high and I am living in God’s divine purpose for my life when I do it!

• 16 Lisa Thorne // Sep 28, 2009 at 9:34 am

  Hi John,

  It’s Lisa Thorne. (Past Team Leader for Roy VanWinkle – Pugeot Sound Area Director-KW) You & I have met at Keller Williams several times. You know I always appreciate your works. I have to tell you; this section hit me today. All of it was so TRUE. The two things that I believe will either hold us back or propel us forward are our ability to move at the pace of others and our ability to accept honest feedback. I was really touched by your friend Dan’s ability to tell you the whole truth. Friends like that are invaluable to a leader. Also, my personality profile (DISC) being extremely high I/D… I tend to move at the speed of light. I know have posted “The good news is I move fast; the bad news is I often move alone”… WOW! For those of us who do… we get it!” Thanks John; for your life’s work. Love & appreciation to you.

• 17 Rick Nelson // Sep 28, 2009 at 9:43 am

  John – Wow! This week I am part of a team welcoming leaders from across our organization to a leadership workshop. I can take these tips straight from the page to connect with the participants. Thanks!

• 18 Jason Goss // Sep 28, 2009 at 10:01 am

  Connection Requires Honesty….Be Real

  You can fake an interest in people, you can pretend that you care about them, you can even fake that you care. The problem is that when you do that the connection is only superficial and will result in some serious consequences down the road. The real you is more important than the you that you wish you were, or want others to perceive.

• 19 Dale Hart // Sep 28, 2009 at 10:03 am

  I don’t often disagree with you (in fact, I can’t remember ever doing it), but I do find there are exceptions to the energy rule. I have known men and women, one man in particular, who were not high-energy but could really connect with people around them.

  It is for this reason I would add one requirement to your list. Connecting requires respect. The man I mentioned above was so respected in his area of expertise, that young and old alike sensed his confidence and were drawn to him.

• 20 Trudy Metzger // Sep 28, 2009 at 10:49 am

  Dear Mr Maxwell,
  Excellent Chapter!! As I read the first half of Chapter four, I thought, “Finally a chapter I would score pretty good on if I was being rated for how I initiate, connect, pursue…” However, when you started talking about being a ‘giver’ I went, ‘huh – how is it possible to be a taker?’ I had never thought about that! What I realized, as I read that section, is that I am a giver, giver, giver…. until I’m with some of my friends who knew me when I was recovering from the abusive first 18 years of my life. It’s almost like I become a different person – afraid of their judgement, of being stuffed back in the “box” and labelled a victim that has nothing to offer. So I become selfish and steal or control the situation – often with humour – so that I don’t have to be vulnerable and give my heart! It is something I have tried to understand, tried to put my finger on, but have not been able to find the root – until today. I am sitting here with tears running down my face because I finally understand what happens in that situation – I become a taker! While giving requires energy, I have to say that the situations where I become a taker, leave me completely drained and ‘dead’ inside. To be a giver brings life – like watering a plant so that it grows – but to be a taker is like sucking the water and nutrients from the soil leaving both the plant and the soil depleted and useless.
  Your example of the way you invested your time and energy, familiarizing yourself for the anniversary speaking engagement, was an excellent practical example of how to really care for your audience. Also, the list of questions you ask about people before meeting at a round table is very helpful for connecting with people in many different situations.
  I do have a few question marks surrounding the area of energy. I agree that energy is required for connecting on a deeper level and it does seem that highly energetic people do this best on a public speaking level. However, the people I know that connect best one-on-one, especially with wounded or troubled souls, are sometimes the more low-key, reserved individuals that do not appear highly energetic. They do, however, seem to have more patience and are very gifted nurturers. I think of Paul when he writes, “I planted, Apollos watered, but God gave the increase.” I see Paul as the energizer bunny moving from place to place, challenging and inspiring people, then Apollos patiently nurtures the life birthed by Paul’s ministry, and God blesses both. Is this difference because of our existing energy levels or because we are all energized differently and have different gifts? For example, I am totally energized by public speaking, and love to interact with the crowd, engaging in conversation with people afterwards, but I find the compliments and nice words to be draining after a while. I believe that is because it seems ‘surface’. To say something nice on the run doesn’t connect with me – though I do receive it graciously. I am energized by ‘going deep’ and find on-going ‘fluff’ a bit exhausting. One of my good friends is the exact opposite. So I’m wondering whether it is really about high energy, in and of itself. Just some thoughts and questions…
  Thank you for pouring your heart out again in Chapter Four, for investing your time, and for caring so deeply for people. God has definitely placed you here “for such a time as this” in the lives of many – including me!
  Blessings to you and your loved ones again this week!
  Trudy

• 21 Trudy Metzger // Sep 28, 2009 at 10:51 am

  Excellent, excellent chapter!!

  A few editing/syntax suggestions:

  They Get Out of It What They Put In
  Paragraph 2: “My career as a minister over the next two and a half decades may have taken me (to) larger churches…” (Add the word ‘to’ as indicated in the brackets)

  Know Yourself—Personal Preparation.
  Paragraph 1: “You can’t share what you don’t have. You can’t tell what you don’t know. You can’t share what you don’t feel. No one gives out of a vacuum.” (I would suggest replacing the first ‘share’ with ‘give’ or ‘contribute’.)
  Paragraph 2: “What golf teacher and author Harvey Pinick says…” (Comma after ‘author’ and again after ‘Pinick’)

  3. Connecting Requires Patience . . . Slow Down
  Paragraph 1: A young woman who was not accustomed to driving with a manual transmission stalled a car at a stoplight. (Comma after ‘woman’ and again after ‘transmission’.)

  4. Connecting Requires Selflessness . . . Give
  Paragraph 2: In the years I was leading a church and preaching to the congregation most weekends, often some of the staff and I would spend time debriefing and discussing how the services had gone. (Would it flow better is ‘often’ was moved to just preceding ‘spend time’? “… preaching to the congregation most weekends, some of the staff and I would often spend time….”

  5. Connecting Requires Stamina . . . Recharge
  Paragraph 5: “Early in my career I spent a lot of time counseling people, and whenever I did I would come home exhausted.” (I think there should be a comma after ‘did’ and possibly replace the passive voice ‘would come’ with, ‘returned or ‘came’. Although, in a strange way, the more wordiness of the passive voice almost creates a feeling of exhaustion in the reader.)
  Paragraph 8: If you have responsibility for leading people or communicating with others, it is especially vital for you to find ways to recharge. (“have responsibility for” does not flow well. Options would be: “If you are responsible for…” or “If you have the responsibility of leading people or communicating…”

• 22 Larry Baxter // Sep 28, 2009 at 11:08 am

  Wow, this is an exceptional chapter! Here and in other comments I’m responding from/for the perspective of an person who is introverted or doesn’t see themselves as a people-person. Chapter 2 gave us hope – it’s not about us, but about others. Chapter 3 was a disconnect. The point was that it goes beyond words and requires energy and emotion. Typically ‘we’ are the professor in your story people did NOT connect with. This chapter is great, as it gives us hope again. Why?

  There is almost nothing in here that is a special gift of the charismatic people-person. Almost everything you describe is actionable, a choice we can make that doesn’t require a certain personality: doing homework, sharing mistakes, acknowledging others, going first, being patient, choosing to be a giver, and understanding how we recharge.

  If there’s one suggestion for this chapter I would have – make an *explicit* statement that connecting with people does NOT require a specific personality – it’s something we all can do, though it requires energy. Some of your readers for whom this book can make a huge difference will need to see this repeated several times throughout the book! Showing you understand how they feel will go a long way towards connecting with them!

• 23 Alison C. // Sep 28, 2009 at 11:26 am

  “the “Four Unpardonable Sins of a Communicator”: being unprepared, uncommitted, uninteresting, or uncomfortable. Do you notice the common denominator for three out of four of those “sins”? It’s energy. The first three are a function of effort. It takes energy to be prepared, committed, and interesting!”

  Uncomfortable: adjective– 1. causing discomfort or distress; painful; irritation. 2. in a state of discomfort; uneasy; conscious of stress or strain.

  So, really, being unprepared, uncommitted and uninteresting… produce a feeling of uncomfortableness! Another way to reduce being uncomfortable is to be the first to connect with the ‘audience’… that could be, like you did John, arriving before the event &/or researching the audience beforehand. I know I feel much more comfortable meeting new people and connecting with them when I know something about them &/or their organization and what their connection is to the organization/ others attending! I just put this into practice yesterday (before reading this) as my ‘best romantic friend’ brought me to a family friends home for the day after church!! The more I knew about these family friends and their connection the more at ease I was in their home, with them, and getting to know them!

  Connecting with people happens every day at every moment once you leave your home [oh, wait, even BEFORE you leave because your family wants to connect with you, too!!] and we must use every cue we get to give love, give energy and initiate the connection with them. And it seems the best way to connect is to forget about yourself… and focus on them, their name, their life. You know, as I’m writing this I’m reminded of a college friend and I who seemed to always attract people who just wanted to talk about themselves even though no one wanted to hear what they had to say. It was probably due to one of our inside jokes played out in real life… smile and nod. “Just smile and nod” and you’ll connect with people. Go the next step to listen and respond… and you’ll only increase your efforts!! I know that’s a habit that has served me all my life…

• 24 Raul dela Rosa // Sep 28, 2009 at 11:37 am

  What a great chapter about connecting. I learned in Toastmaster what you have said about preparation and energy in giving speeches. Thank you Mr. Maxwell….well done!

• 25 Mary "Toby" Ballard // Sep 28, 2009 at 11:51 am

  I really connected to this chapter. So many good quotes. I love people, I have patience and I love growing. I lack self confidence and I am trying to develop confidence in what I have to give. As Eleanor Roosevel said, “We must do that which we think we cannot.”

• 26 Danita Sanders // Sep 28, 2009 at 12:55 pm

  As a business owner, I am constantly going to networking meetings. This chapter is awesome and hits very close to home for me as to inspiring me to keep moving forward. My favorite sections are You’ve Got to Bring It and Five Proactive Ways to Use Energy for Connecting though the entire chapter is great. I am learning to accept that this vision God has given does take energy and I am more than equipped to handle my role/tasks as long as I do my part by staying “prepared, committed, and interested.”

• 27 Danny Andersen // Sep 28, 2009 at 1:03 pm

  Thank you, for an awesome chapter. It’s almost unbelievable how you keep on communicating new gold! Someone commented earlier that they or someone they knew would GET energy from communicating / connecting with others. I partly feel the same way though I completely agree with everything you write in the chapter. I guess – if you give your energy to the audience AND connect there is a good chance the audience will give energy back to you, which will energize you further as long as you’re connected with the audience. Afterwards I will normally be tired though excited about the great experience. A great experience will also help to lift my energy level for the future. I think it is possible to be greatly excited even when your energy needs recharging – perhaps that’s the confusion: The difference between excitement and energy!
  Thank you for writing a book in this innovative and great way. You surely – as always – add value to people!

• 28 Johnny Benavides // Sep 28, 2009 at 1:34 pm

  John!

  I really agree with you I work at Target ,I find it tobe a challange to talk to every Guest and be intrested in them becuse there are so many people and our motto is Fun,Fast and Freindly.
  But I find that the faster I go,the faster I go,no connecting just speed but I’am finding out the slower I go I’am to be in the moment with that Guest and Ask questions even for a breef moment I thnik every single thing You’ve talked about I expeience at the Register.Every thing.
  additude,greeting,being real,being intrested,
  having confidence in problame solving,offering them what I know and my Ideas,being the first to say Hi,and having breaks to recharge really helps.Thanks John!

• 29 The PaddyKakeKids // Sep 28, 2009 at 2:15 pm

  Thank you for the wonderful God inspired insight that is in Chapter 4 of your book! We live in a world of disconnect due to the rapid growth in technology. We need to learn not to be selfish and to live a life of selfless love for one another. Jesus is the best example of one that reached out to a hurting world, served others and gave of Himself for our sakes. We need to take the time to make a difference in this world one person at a time and if we would all do our share then this world would be a better place. Follow Jesus and the rest will take care of itself.
  Blessings to you!

• 30 Linda Lister Reinhardt // Sep 28, 2009 at 2:29 pm

  John, this chapter brought to mind a key learning experience in my journey of public speaking and “connecting”. I was attending a CLASS (Florence Littauer) seminar about 10 years ago, and Florence made a comment that resonated deeply with me. “You may think you have a lot to say, but does anyone want to hear it?” It brought to mind a few people I have known through the years that have the “energy” to communicate and definitely the “initiative”, but they seem to enjoy hearing themselves speak, because nothing they say makes a connection with their audience whether it be one person or many. Florence challenged us to learn to take our life stories and make sure they “apply to the listener”. People really enjoy hearing what makes a connection with their lives and gives them something to live by or take home. Our homework was to take a story from our life and be prepared to share it with the group making it applicable to their life. Below is the story I chose that day, and I have used this principle continually ever since:

  Growing up in Kenya, Africa as a missionary kid, we took many trips in Land Rovers, over dusty trails to get to and from our mission compound. We had fun challenging each other by peering through the dust over the vast savannah plains to see who could spot animals first. On one such occasion, it happened to be raining and my Mother spotted an unusually bright green spot on the horizon. It was so unusual that my Dad veered off the road track and drove across the bumpy plains towards this green spot. As we drew closer, it was clear the green spot was moving along, bouncing up and down in the drizzling rain… and we eventually could see that this “spot” was atop a Maasai young man’s head. Mom suddenly exclaimed, “Oh my! He has a Tupperware bowl on his head!” Sure enough, in the middle of the Maasai Mara, herding his cattle was a Maasai man using a large Tupperware salad bowl as an umbrella! My Mother mused, “If only the lady who bought that bowl, sitting at a Tupperware party in the USA could have known it would be put to such use in the middle of Kenya!” Just so, you may never see how your charitable giving reaches people where they are, in their remote situations, in far corners of the world, in the most practical ways…. But you can be assured that whatever the amount, your contribution makes a difference!
  Linda (Lister) Reinhardt – World Gospel Mission “MK”.

• 31 Henry Yap // Sep 28, 2009 at 3:07 pm

  Thank you John!

  This chapter is the answer to my prayers. I’m a university student due to complete my second year of study and it has dawned on me just how important it is to communicate and connect with the audience and just how green and lacking of those skills I am. I have to confess John that been victim to many of the pitfalls you’ve described in this chapter. I’ve had the privilege of being a tutor to my coursemates and when I harbour attitudes of superiority or lack of preparedness it has unfailingly lead to ‘unsatisfied customers’ questioning their attendance. I know myself to be a person who is best at preparing the knowledge side of things and can maintain eye contact with my audience but my friends tell me that I should not restrict eye contact to a selected few in the audience. I’ve tried to work on that but is there a method of doing that? I totally agree with you that it’s important to be a GIVER to connect with others. One thing though John, you mentioned at the beginning of the chapter that one of the unpardonable sins was to be uncomfortable. It’s the part that I really struggle with and it amazes me just how comfortable great communicators are. I would really like to know how someone can be comfortable in every setting when each situation and each audience is different from the last. Thanks for sharing your words of wisdom John. Life changing is the only adjective to describe it.

• 32 Brenda Ballard // Sep 28, 2009 at 3:40 pm

  I’m weighing in for the first time on Chapter 4. This chapter has tons of advice and tips for the novice and the experienced communicators. Thank you re-stating and emphasizing the energy issue. Connecting with people, whether working a room, or speaking from a lecturn takes enormous amounts of energy for me. In fact, I will confess to skipping certain ‘working room’ opportunities if I’m already tired! It takes energy to listen and listen well.

  Years ago, I performed as a professional singer. In addition to learning the lyrics and the music, it was essential that I focus on the delivery and impact of what I was singing on the audience who listened. My ‘presentation’ had to go beyond mechanics and touch the minds and souls of those listeners. It was only when that happened that the connection was made. Some call it performance magic. Whatever it is called, it requires energy to produce and sustain. This connectivity will differentiate between a flat performance to one that is spell-binding and memorable.

  I think the same principles hold true for leaders, teachers, and speakers. The first of of engagement=engage!

  Great chapter!

• 33 Brenda Ballard // Sep 28, 2009 at 3:42 pm

  I think the same principles hold true for leaders, teachers, and speakers. The first rule of engagement=engage!

  Again, great chapter!

• 34 Rita Diba // Sep 28, 2009 at 3:50 pm

  The challenge for me is feeling confident that I “know my stuff” as per no. 3. How much preparation is enough? I am an inexperienced speaker; the only public speaking I have done were at college and a couple of times at church. I am passionate about my subject but lack practical experience.
  The information shared in this chapter is priceless.

• 35 Richard Whitehead // Sep 28, 2009 at 4:31 pm

  Energy is so true. You know when you like or dislike a speaker but energy is usually the unconscious thing running under the surface versus: he was dry, monotone, etc. But in a word “Energy” yes!!

  I’ve been teaching in the public safety arena for years and I’ve always been very prepared as I didn’t want to embarrass myself and I’ve have had people tell me to slow down. The other steps again were running under the radar until you put them in black and white.
  Thank you.

• 36 Brian // Sep 28, 2009 at 4:36 pm

  Under the heading: Know Your Stuff—Professional Preparation

  In bible school I heard a formula that has been with me for 29 years.

  “Success is when Opportunity and Preparation meet.”

  Or

  Opportunity + Preparation = Success

  So many people have a lot of opportunity come their way, but they fail because there is no preparation.
  Then, you have those that seem to prepare their whole life, but lack the common sense to see the opportunities that come their way.

  We need BOTH.

• 37 Marcia Neel // Sep 28, 2009 at 5:33 pm

  As a former high school choir director, I used to teach students how to be a good member of an audience through the use of pleasant facial expressions. Students soon discovered that the presenter/performer seemed to be drawn to them because of the personal energy generated as a result of the use of their faces. They thus experienced a heightened enjoyment of the performance overall and felt more personally involved. So even as a member of the audience, it’s important to use our personal energy to connect with the presenter/performer so that we can get the most out of the message.

• 38 Simon Herbert // Sep 28, 2009 at 6:41 pm

  Another excellent chapter, John!

  What you say about needing to put energy into your connections is so true.

  I’m in charge of my school’s Rugby programme, and last year I tried to remove ‘me’ from things a little more. A little less Coach and a little more from the players. I spent the rest of the season fire-fighting. I couldn’t understand what was going wrong.

  Eventually, while on tour in South Africa, I pinned it down to the fact that I had stepped back from things a little, and my energy was no longer the driving force behind the teams.

  Don’t get me wrong, I had some great leaders in the players, and the coaches, but a close mentor let me know that it had clearly been my passion for the game and the players that had sparked the fire in all of the others, and I needed to keep adding the coal to keep the fire burning bright.

  I liked your advice on what to do to recharge your batteries, but what do you do if you are the main energiser in the given situation? How do recharge when you constantly have to put out?

• 39 jose franco // Sep 28, 2009 at 9:15 pm

  Jhon, that a grait chapter about conneting
  without connecting we never have a relation with God, Family, friend or any body arount us
  so many people ha a lot opportunity to be connecting with they on opprtunity comming they way, but they never take the it, becouse they do not to make mistakes.

• 40 Rambu Elyn Kaborang // Sep 28, 2009 at 9:54 pm

  Greetings from Indonesia,

  I’ve read chapter 1-4.
  While i was reading, it feel like looking at the mirror. Particularly in chapter 2 “hurry up n finish telling me your problem so i can give you my solution.” Really reminds me of my self thats me alright!

  But the one that struck me the most is “it’s not about you, it’s about them.”

  Chapter 4:
  Being busy and always working in hurry pace makes connecting with others not important anymore. Others have to see “me”. they have to think of me, they have to listen to me, they have to be patient of my behavior. “Who the hell i think i am??”

  This book makes me realize that connecting with others will blessed me.

  Really looking forward for the next chapter.

  Thanks John.

  Rambu

• 41 Carol Shannon // Sep 28, 2009 at 11:09 pm

  Well presented material Pastor, Simple, understandable and the experiences related make this chapter dynamic.

• 42 Jennifer Wideman // Sep 29, 2009 at 1:17 am

  Hi John,

  I am so blessed by all th things you write, but this chapter is my philosophy for life and business. There is so much I have taken away from this chapter, but the two points that answered some prayers about myself.

  1. That leaders keep saying their message over and over, to the point you cannot say it again, because your message must permeate your organization.
  2. I must find ways to recharge my battery. Go and do something with no agenda. I’m a busy mom of 4, and life can always get in the way of me taking the absolute best care of myself.

  Keep it coming,

  Jennifer

• 43 Terry D. Smith // Sep 29, 2009 at 2:16 am

  Great Chapter John! Powerfully moving and absolutely helpful! I thought of President Reagan, Pastor Rick Warren, Pastor Jerry Morris, Pastor Duane Armstrong and you! It seems to me that the energy in all of them seems to be fueled by passion. Passion is the driving force that moves the communicator and the audience! Love ya, Terry

• 44 Essy Eisen // Sep 29, 2009 at 2:29 am

  I really impressed with your experience, coming to church you’ve ever served when you were a priest in a young age.

  I myself a new pastor who served for 4 years now in Jakarta. You have shown the real spirit of `kenosis`. Not selfish but put the needs of others so that they feel the goodness of God through our presence.

  Section “4. Connecting Requires selflessness… Give ‘ .. really seen in the experience of your visit to Indiana.

  Thank you John, you are really motivated me to early on as a young priest practicing “give” earnestly in a world that increasingly selfish sometimes.

• 45 Ronnie // Sep 29, 2009 at 4:39 am

  Somehow, when you are in it for a long time, you tend to be over confident and would take for granted in our preparation for a sermon or a talk. Thank you, John for a good reminder that if we need to connect, it takes energy. There is no shortcut!

• 46 lois mwende // Sep 29, 2009 at 5:22 am

  thanks John.I have found that most of the times am communicating to pple where i got t0 initiate the talk it takes alot of energy’ from the inside…..and true u have to be prepared(as u did with that church…amazing) and be intresting.
  thanks for grooming me to be a great connector..cant wait for the next chapter..am even introducing friends to these pages!

  Lois, KENYA

• 47 Sohan // Sep 29, 2009 at 7:54 am

  Dear John,
  Your tools on being powerful communicator come from your own life experience on communicating God’s word and the principles laid out there to people around the world. Thank you very mcuh for the chapter, it will be a blessing to many

• 48 Bridget Haymond // Sep 29, 2009 at 8:00 am

  I am convinced that connecting with others has to be intentional, but it must come from an authentic desire to make the connection. The social skill of really listening to people seems to be a lost art in a culture that is so “me” focused. When good listening is employed, responding will be very natural.

  In this instance the energy is about the heart attitude of caring. People will catch on very quickly if you don’t really care or have ulterior motives. Often times takers try to disguise themselves as a giver. What they don’t understand is that the truth always shows through.

• 49 Kurt // Sep 29, 2009 at 10:31 am

  John,

  Loved It, Loved It, Love It! I will leave you with this ” The world belong’s to the energetic “!

• 50 Les Stobbe // Sep 29, 2009 at 11:29 am

  John, a client tipped me off to this blog. While I have seen you expend enormous energy in several situations, the one that stands out is the Pacesetter speech at a Christian Booksellers Convention where you almost lay down on the floor at the front edge of the platform to connect with someone in the front row. Some booksellers did not appreciate your energetic presentation, but their stores would have done a lot better if they had applied what you told them with the same level of energy you displayed.

  And a key step in connecting is recognizing people for the contribution they made–and your story of the 25th anniversary at the Indiana church makes that point. As does the mention of those of use who made a first contribution to your life as leader. Thank you for remembering!
  Les Stobbe

• 51 Ryan Schleisman // Sep 29, 2009 at 11:56 am

  Mr. Maxwell-

  Another fantastic chapter!

  You have an amazing ability to connect whether it is a chapter in a book, a mentoring lesson with your maximum impact, or live in person. I appreciate you and all of your materials.

  Really enjoyed chapter 4. More specifically #5 Connecting Requires Stamina…Recharge. I feel this is important yet often overlooked.

  As a physician sometimes it is hard to get away to recharge. I know after I do my patients and I are better because of it.

  My wonderful staff schedules “recreation” time for us. What an awesome plan. We all need to “re-create” the energy once in a while.

  In Good Health,

  Ryan

• 52 Joy Holder // Sep 29, 2009 at 2:47 pm

  Mr. Maxwell,

  I always get a lot out of everything that you write. I enjoyed reading this chapter. I am a U.S. Senate Photographer and get great joy observing Senators interact with their constituents. As most Senators enter the room, they have a smile on their face and a spring in their step. Not only can you see their energy, you can feel it. They are always happy to see their constituents, putting them first, making them feel important and special, within only a few minutes. They put some much energy into connecting with people that one can feel like they are friends with the Senator within minutes.

• 53 Debbie Reno // Sep 29, 2009 at 5:48 pm

  Great chapter! Keep’ em coming!!

• 54 Joy Holder // Sep 29, 2009 at 9:04 pm

  Connecting with others takes energy, Loving every living creature created by the One that gives life, Praying for those who fill your eyes with tears, Smiling through your tears, Going out of your way to make someone elses day, Dancing and singing in the rain to bring a smile to someone you do not know, Not being afraid to show others God as they look in your eyes, Connecting with others takes energy.

• 55 Arnold Ardian // Sep 29, 2009 at 10:54 pm

  Well done for another excellent chapter. I never realised that energy is needed to connect until I have read this chapter!
  Just a small feedback that may take your chapter to go further in connecting with the readers (including myself): perhaps put some visual aids such as pictures, or diagrams to enable us remember all the 5 points and thus easier to habbitualise them.
  Again, it is a great chapter. I felt connected and engaged by the chapter. And now that you have added value to my life, I am excited to use it to add value to others!
  Thank you.

• 56 Jenniffer Vielman-Vasquez // Sep 29, 2009 at 11:09 pm

  I think your book so far is amazing. I did have a question about the fourth paragraph when you state “My career as a minister over the next two and a half decades may have taken me larger churches….” I’m not so sure what you were trying to say. Other than that, Chapter 4 is energizing.

  By the way, that list you gave “Top 10 Minglers” was awesome. They are practical things we can do to better connect with others. I think those are amazing!

  I now realize why when I’m tired and not feeling good I don’t connect well with others. I was not aware that energy was such a big factor to connecting with people.

  Great chapter!

• 57 Leonor // Sep 30, 2009 at 12:13 am

  Dear John,

  I learned tons from this chapter! In all honesty, I never really thought about it but connecting truly does require energy and this chapter was a big “Aha” for me. We should all put more energy when communicating with someone and be genuine about it (people can tell when you fake it).

  I have several comments about the following:

  Connecting Requires Clarity: What did you mean by “No one gives out of a vacuum?” Does this mean that a vacuum absorbs inward so it can never give outward? I love the statement “You can’t share what you don’t have.” I saw Liz Murray speak at one of our events a month ago and she mentioned the same thing. It is so true!!! You can’t give what you don’t have!

  Know Your Audience: We do have a tendency to want to communicate with everyone at the same level without taking our different audiences into consideration. We fail to realize that we need to be aware of our audiences’ needs and interests so we can evaluate how to effectively communicate with them. In the end, they will listen if we make it about them and not about us.

  Connecting Requires Patience: I believe you were talking to me in this section! Patience is a weakness of mine. The greatest test is when I communicate with my children. Connecting with them as a parent is sometimes a challenge because I feel like I am lacking something to make them understand certain concepts. Now I realize that I need to make it less about me, more about them, their needs and be more patient!!! Patience is a virtue and requires tons of energy but when employed it does wonders for everyone!!!

  Connecting Requires Selflessness: I LOVE this chapter! Connecting should not be about me, myself and I, it should always be about the other person.

  Overall, this was a revealing chapter for me!!! It’s so practical and makes total sense. Some of us take these concepts for granted and reading about them helped me realize how important it is to be able to “truly connect” with others in a genuine way.

• 58 Maswache // Sep 30, 2009 at 8:57 am

  hey,,,,
  wow this is just to good to handle. going through this chapter has already made me to reconsider various aspects of my life especially in terms of’ Five Proactive Ways to Use Energy for Connecting’
  i have been giving presentation here and there but lacked the know how of why sometimes the results are positive but at times negative, now am enlightened… keep the chapters coming because this means i can have the book and learn more.. thanks

• 59 Rhonda // Sep 30, 2009 at 11:34 am

  What would be the difference between a man with a vision and a visionary?

• 60 Kasaandra Roache @inspiremany // Sep 30, 2009 at 5:34 pm

  I think the biggest thing I got from this chapter is to know your strengths. Enabling a team to come together and work at what they do best. The same things drain me. Very important to recharge…mine…I love the beach

• 61 Hershel Kreis // Sep 30, 2009 at 7:26 pm

  Wow, another one out of the park!!!! As someone who speaks in front of others often, I found that you are absolutely right about connecting requiring energy. I find myself being more tired after spending a day (or even a few hours sometimes) in front of a group than I do after spending 8 or more hours at work. I sometimes am tempted to back off a bit because of the energy it requires, but then someone will come up to me and tell me that they remember me from when I spoke to them years before. Then I get my adrenaline “rush” and I am good for a while longer. Of course, you must get away for a bit and recharge. Even Jesus would go away and spend time in the presence of the Father often after ministering to people for a while. The nice thing is that each of us has the energy needed to make the connections with others, but only if we choose to expend it.

  In Him,

  Hershel

• 62 Waldemar Smit // Oct 1, 2009 at 3:32 am

  Dear Mr Maxwell

  Thank you once again. Speaking about giving or taking as an attitude is so true. It is a heart condition…if you are thankFULL you are more able to give…just like when you spoke at the 25th building anniversary.

  Changes required:

  1. Under… They Get Out of it What You Put In

  “…may have taken me [to] larger churches…”

  2. Under… Connecting requires Stamina… Recharge

  ” It took me [a] while to” instead of “awhile to”.

  Yours sincerely
  Waldemar

• 63 Lea Carey/winewithfriends // Oct 1, 2009 at 8:34 am

  Hi John,
  Isn’t it amazing that all you needed to connect with the folks at Hillham was Margaret, some precious time to do some digging, and some loving kindness….you went to Hillham with the mindset that it was not about you, it was about them. Priceless.
  Touchdown,
  Lea

• 64 Rolando Cubero Monge // Oct 1, 2009 at 2:13 pm

  Today in the companies, jobs, careers, the most successfully persons are the ones that moves faster than the rest of the folks, but they need to do an extra effort because normally they have to do by their own. I remember Ben Hur movie, with the horse races; Juda told to his horses we can’t run at the speed of the faster one, we will run at the speed of the slower one because we are in a team race.
  I have always remember this, and It has been really helpfull in my live be patience when I must wait to the slower one to avoid misconnections and to loose momentum in our projects.
  Are better the results with a 1% of 100 persons, than my 100% by myself.

• 65 pastor GILSON CESAR GERALDO // Oct 1, 2009 at 4:59 pm

  Olá, sou Gilson Cesar, Brazilian,
  Quero dizer que Jonh C.Maxwell, transformou meu ministério.
  fone- 55 17 8115.2378

• 66 Twyla Allen // Oct 1, 2009 at 5:40 pm

  What a great chapter. I love what you did to prepare for the 25th anniversay at Hillham. It takes a special person to put others first and show how much you care about them. You set a great example for us all to follow. In the words of Joyce Meyer, “It’s not about me, it’s not about me, it’s not about me.” Thank you, Dr. Maxwell.

  I found one issue with the section, ” They Get Out of It What You Put In”- 2nd paragraph, 4th sentence.

  My career as a minister over the next two and a half decades may have taken me larger churches and allowed me to make an impact beyond anything I had dreamed of back then, but I have always had a heart for the people of that congregation in Hillham.

  “taken me larger churches”

  Thanks,
  Twyla Allen

• 67 Monica // Oct 1, 2009 at 11:52 pm

  I have experienced the unusual situation of communication without connection in many of my studies so far…let’s call it communication gap between generations. However, when it comes to the basis of this I agree that the most important interconnection between people comes when we look outside of our abilities and accept each other fully and without comparison. In that respect, I am still honestly looking to connect with likeminded individuals and find it hard to submit to the ones that do not think like me. This chapter has thought me to adjust my views and connect with others in a different way. Thank you for describing the personal experiences from your beginnings! As for energy, I give it all towards this amazing concept of communication – connection to make it happen in my future career. I love people and want to see them happy and fulfilled gaining from each other the best and sharing together the gift of the word.
  Be blessed as you write this book,
  Monica

• 68 Phil Winn // Oct 2, 2009 at 8:32 am

  I was part of a group that had lunch recently with Richard K. Davis CEO of US Bancorp. By searching our website in advance Richard learned alot about me including my name, my background and what I did for a living. Wow! We had an immediate connection.

• 69 Ryan // Oct 2, 2009 at 9:46 am

  Chapter 4 was another great chapter. I put this in another post, but I would love an outline early on of key points for a “big picture” look, prior to breaking it down. Don’t get me wrong, it was a great read, flowed and transitioned extremly well. I really enjoyed and learned. When you have a job as a teacher or coach as I do, you tend to forget or look past that you really are a giver of information and not a taker of grades or victories.
  I believe these bullets can apply to all you are connecting with, and maybe should be looked at regularly to remind us why we are communicating.
  ■Who are they?
  ■What do they care about?
  ■Where do they come from?
  ■When did they decide to attend?
  ■Why are they coming?
  ■What do I have that I can offer them?
  ■How do they want to feel when we conclude?
  If I could look at these things regularly as a teacher and coach, I might be a better giver.
  Energy, Energy, Energy.
  Thank you again for the collaborative learning opportunity and experience.
  Ryan

• 70 Terry // Oct 2, 2009 at 11:20 am

  John, this chapter was amazing. It re-energized me. I work with college students on a daily basis. I love my job but here in the past few weekI have been trying to think about why I have been successful in the past years but here in the last few I feel like I have been floundering.

  Well, this chapter reminded me that as I have gotten older I have not put as much energy in to my efforts. I got complacient with my actions and words but have not developed “connections” with my students and staff. I used to spend alot of time with them listening to their stories, playing games, and just interacting with what they wanted to do. Now that I got older and got a family I shyed away from that.

  I am now thinking of ways to merge both worlds and find the energy to do both.

  Thanks for the inspiration and I look forward to the next chapter. Heck, I can’t wait to buy the book and put it on my bookshelf to share with my students and collegues!

• 71 bob garbett // Oct 2, 2009 at 12:16 pm

  Thank you for another great installment!

  Acknowledging others as a part of our success is critical to connecting. Arrogance is one of the greatest “connecting” killers.

  I like to use the saying I’ve heard attributed to Alex Haley, “When you see a turtle on fencepost you know he didn’t get there by himself.”

• 72 Lindsey Sparks // Oct 2, 2009 at 6:00 pm

  Although this chapter is primarily about energy, a phrase that kept popping into my head as a read is humble confidence. A lot of what you described requires the communicator to be both humble and focused on the other person, but at the same time confident in what they are communicating. You addressed this under the point four on Connecting Requires Selflessness…Give, but I think that point could be developed a little more in the beginning of the chapter as well. That’s what you displayed in the example of going back to Hillham. You focused on other people and displayed humility by refreshing your memory of everyone’s names and making an effort to spend extra time with people. Remembering someone’s name after not seeing them for such a long time is huge. I know people who don’t even both to learn their coworkers names, or worse, consistently get them wrong. It just demonstrates a lack of respect for the other person and tells them that you don’t think they’re important enough for you to remember.

  You also showed humility by making the time to mingle with the crowd. Your line about some guest preachers separating themselves from the audience made me think about my own experiences. It’s true that you can usually rate a guest pastor solely on where they chose to sit. Those who sit in the front row of a pew that’s off to the side or insist on sitting on the stage for the whole service tend to drone on and not have the same connection or energy that those who sit in the middle of a pew with other attendees have.

  But at the same time, communicators need to display confidence or no one will listen to them. Preparing is absolutely essential for that. If you don’t prepare, you become more concerned with what you’re going to say instead of how you’re going to say it. You’re too focused on trying to think about what you’re talking about to think about making eye contact or body language or moving around the stage. You won’t look at ease and people won’t connect with you as well. I was just struck by how you have to find a balance in that area to be an effective communicator.

• 73 Wade Thompson // Oct 2, 2009 at 8:35 pm

  John-in working with corporate managers, churches, missions organizations, it is true that most problems in any organization can be linked to communication. Steven Covey stated in his book First Things First- Seek first to understand then to be Understood” This to me is the most challenging of our disciplines as leaders and communicators. Your key points in the chapter really speak to three key issues:
  1. Communicating takes energy-must be intentional
  2. Plug the leaks in our life that drain energy and recharge
  3. When we communicate people know if we are giving our all.

  Great truths..thanks for the opportunity to contribute.

• 74 Johnson Tey // Oct 3, 2009 at 1:25 am

  Out of the five, slowing down and remembering to recharge were excellent reminders
  These are just my thoughts out loud of how I laugh at myself.

  #3 – Slowing down: Why do I want to rate their learning up to my level? When I’m with my audience, it is all the matter of what is shared and understood. Getting ‘class over with’ is just direction not the checklist.

  #5 – Recharging: Often if that means recharge from speaking, stop speaking… from studying, stop studying. It is good to relax that overworked facility of yourself. Alas, I find myself first working on the computer for work and then on break time took a break by being on the computer for relaxing while all the time I should have closed my eyes or taken a stroll. How strange we sometimes are!

• 75 Barb Giglio // Oct 3, 2009 at 9:37 am

  I’m so enjoying the opportunity and feel privileged to read a book before it gets published. I read chapter three and life got in the way before I could comment and send my picture. I always say when this happens, “the planet earth is not eternity”!

  Chapter three was so good, I could find nothing wrong with it. It left me reflecting on when my husband and I accepted Christ and where asked to give our testimony at Calvary Church in Charlotte, NC. Our pastor at the time was Dr. Ross Rhoads who is one of the people who came to mind reading chapter 4. He was always available after church service to talk with the congregation. He always had something nice to say. I call his comments, as well as my dads and now yours, “great one-liners”!! I have been able to reflect on the words of kindness and wisdom many times and it has helped me in difficult situations in my life. I’m not only eternally grateful for Dr. Rhoads, my dad and you for the “goodness of God” that shines through you onto and for others. When I got to speak at Calvary and share my testimony I will never forget that feeling of standing at the pulpit and looking out at all those people. I clearly remember taking about 20 seconds of just seeing all those faces focused on me! It was an awesome experience, only God really knows if my (our) testimony changed another heart. I truely hope so. Thank you again for being such a bright light in our world today. God bless you and keep you! Barb Giglio

  p.s. I struggle with “bitter people”! I try so hard to do all the things you wrote about in chapter 4 and find I fail with so badly with bitter people that can’t forgive and forget, choose to live in the past and only hear what they want to hear. Pray for me in this area!

• 76 tami rush // Oct 3, 2009 at 9:48 am

  i love this topic…energy……i am always playing with my energy…..i got a lot out of this chapter and i am going to experiment with it on facebook and twitter…..a few people wanted me to be on facebook and i really wasnt fond of the idea..then my daughter said something to me about using it to add to others and i feel energy used well here would add to the facebook experience…..i always think of tyra banks when i think of energy or cynthia brian…….both have a way of having their energy come out in pictures…..i was sitting in cynthia brians office in orinda ca…the wall is covered in photographs of models….there were a number of pictures of cynthia and there were a number of pictures of this one girl (she turned out to be cynthias daughter) i had to mention to cynthia that her and her daughters pictures somehow stood out from all the other pictures there was something about theirs that grabbed me…cynthia said a man named morbert was the photographer on those pictures and he had the ability to bring out your energy causing a great picture!!! this never left me…..that was it their energy came through in a photo…..energy transference……..
  tyra constantly teaches this as well ……anywhoooo….thank you this chapter adds to my energetic thoughts………bright smiles

• 77 tami rush // Oct 3, 2009 at 9:50 am

  norbert not morbert

• 78 Jesse Smith // Oct 3, 2009 at 12:26 pm

  Connecting Requires Clarity

  One of the pieces that I feel was missing in this section – especially on knowing your audience – was tailoring your message to the audience. If you’re talking to a group of kindergartners, high schoolers, or business professionals your “point” can be the same, but the way that you say it will be vastly different. (We’ll, if you want to connect with them it will be.)

  It’s painful to see a good communicator that doesn’t know how to change his message to reach a particular audience. The audience finds them dull and they leave defeated feeling that their message was ineffective…when all along it may have been a spectacular message, just misunderstood.

• 79 Lori Maas // Oct 3, 2009 at 12:52 pm

  Wow! I am so enjoying this book! I can’t wait for it to come out so I can read it again! Everything you shared on connecting was something I needed to hear, but I especally needed to read the last part, about recharging your batteries. I just spent over a week traveling over 1000 miles, and speaking at two differant locations, doing some one on one meetings, and some group meetings. It was exciting, but exhausting. When I came home I found I was completely drained and exhausted. I was angry at myself and felt like I was just being lazy. But now I understand. I need to balance my life with work, speaking, counseling and leading with times of recharging, by resting, shopping and having fun with my grandchildren! Thank you John for sharing this wonderful book with us.

• 80 Karen // Oct 3, 2009 at 1:49 pm

  Learning how to be a “people person” and form connections with them through communication has been a life long pursuit. Even though I’ve learned a lot in 58 years, you have shown me areas that still need work. Your advice in this book is a huge help. I teach preschoolers twice a week at Church and minister weekly in a nursing home to residents who have mental diseases of various kinds. I realize after reading these 4 chapters that even though I may “do a good job,” I’m not really connecting with either group as much as they need. I look forward to using the help you offer in your book.

  In regard to recharging, I’ve noticed the energy from the Holy Spirit to speak to people does wear off after a while. Then I am emotionally exhausted and tend to have a negative outlook. My wise Pastor frequently has to remind me to rest and not get weary in well-doing.

• 81 Michelle Pack // Oct 3, 2009 at 4:30 pm

  I realize that you are sending this out to a broad audience, but this phrases came to mind:

  Talk to God about people before you talk to people about God.

  That struck me as part of the process in connecting with people. That is my greatest preparation expended – in knowing myself and knowing my audience.

  I greatly appreciated the “circle of balance” – and how it is a continuous (and lost art here in America, especially). Balance is everything, it is our greatest struggle and our deepest need and our personal plan for daily living. It’s not about time, it’s about priority. Time management is part of that priority, and it is achievable, if we really work at it. Rest is not selfish, it is essential.

  I love how you essentially say that energy is about passion, not personality. So many times, I think people look at someone with “energy” and say “it’s just how they are” – it’s not that anyone is being more energetic because they are trying to “sell something” – it’s because they make a choice to connect and the connection turns to their passion which fuels their energy. Connection is motivation to move forward.

  On a final note, I noted to a logic professor this week that my “energy was fading” – he said, “that would defy the laws of physics” – I laughed, and said, “that is technically true” – made me rethink my works – is my energy fading or just being redirected to rest.

  Thank you, sir. Look forward to seeing you here in Palm Beach Gardens in a couple of weeks.

• 82 José manuel pujol hernández // Oct 3, 2009 at 9:19 pm

  To connect with others is related to the personal vision. It is necessary to to choose in the possible thing with whom one wants to connect one. When we connect with other persons we must see them as bridges and not as steps. A bridge serves to advance or to change direction while an alone step serves you to rise or to go down. But we all want to go up!. If we use the people for our interests only, we were having to lower some day and this step us to shame.

• 83 Roy Gibon // Oct 3, 2009 at 9:36 pm

  I gathered a wealth of leadership information and was greatly educated by reading chapter 4 of your book. I am new to your work and this is my first visit but it will not be my last. I think everyone in my organization needs to have these and similar leadership trainings. This was very motivating. I lo0k forward to continuing my leadership and motivation with you.

• 84 Yvonne Green // Oct 3, 2009 at 10:18 pm

  Everyone who reads this book will become a better communicator. God is using your gifts to teach others the key to communicate which is they must connect first. This book so reminds me of “How to Win Friends and Influence People”

• 85 Henry Will // Oct 3, 2009 at 10:23 pm

  Mr. Maxwell, another great chapter. I need this book, get it done asap It will be a great reference!

  Taking us through how you applied it in returning to your first church was a great way to explain the process, through a story. It certainly helped me to connect. I do public speaking and really enjoy it. I’m already applying the things you’re teaching in this book. I applied some of it just today when meeting with a core group in the PMlessonsLearned.com group that I run!

  Thank you so much for sharing!

  I’ve made comments on the past 2 chapters, but this one needs no changes; it’s great the way it is!

  I’m also not big in the details of things, but I did see this:
  I believe this sentence needs rework, perhaps the word “to” before the word “larger?”: “My career as a minister over the next two and a half decades may have taken me larger churches and allowed me to make an impact beyond anything I had dreamed of back then,…”

  I belive the phrase “Made and ” is superflous in this sentence “I made and gave to people copies of items such as baptism certificates and memorabilia from special moments.”

• 86 Clancy Cross // Oct 3, 2009 at 11:04 pm

  Your presentation today in Long Beach so motivated me that I couldn’t wait to visit your Website and review the latest chapter of your book. The topic is so important in a world where technology is more often a barrier to connections than it is a facilitator. Emoticons just don’t have the same energy as a handshake or a smile.

  The chapter also got me thinking about how people often confuse energy with volume or speed. An accomplished musician knows that it requires more energy to sing/play slowly and softly (and connect with the audience) than it does to race and blast away.

  Even the way we sit with people and listen to them requires energy. They will detect when we do so without it. I appreciated the connection you made between energy with mindset. You can’t fake energy and you can’t fake a connection.

  I look forward to the next chapter!

• 87 Edwin Sarmiento // Oct 3, 2009 at 11:53 pm

  They Get Out Of It What You Put In

  It was my very first time to do a presentation for a group of IT professionals in Ottawa, Canada and I have decided to apply what I have learned from the previous presentations I did – PowerPoint slides were well thought out taking me at least 3 weeks to complete, writing a thorough story line as part of the delivery, and incorporating all of that to drive home the message. Add to that the methodology and delivery – burning with passion and excitement that the audience was always anticipating what I’m about to say. After the presentation, one person approached me and said, “I think you have raised the bar for delivering technical presentations.” Not only did they learn so much from the presentation but they have appreciated the effort that went into it. One presenter even attempted to imitate what I have done and commented that he now understands the amount of work needed to come up with a great presentation. From preparation to delivery to evaluation – it takes a tremendous amount of energy.

  Connecting Requires Selflessness . . . Give

  A common pitfall for every speaker and presenter is the “know it all” attitude who feels that what he has to say is of utmost importance and that everybody should listen. I also fall prey into that – I guess we all do. What’s worse is that I see a lot of presenters simply do it to get recognized, be admired and feed off the ego that he knows a lot better than anybody else.

  I was reminded of having the attitude of giving and humility whenever doing presentations or conducting a speech. The audience will really feel the sincerity and will shift into “receiving mode,” willing to accept whatever the speaker has to give. The goal is always to “put the audience first.” That in itself is a sign of humility.

• 88 Robert Nicholson // Oct 4, 2009 at 1:30 am

  Hello Dr Maxwell

  I like the way Bob Taylor connects on his videos. I mention him only because I am aware that you know him. The thing that comes through is that he really loves his product. This translates
  so intensley that you can’t help but feel, to some degree, what he feels. This is especially so when he teaches about making repairs on poorly maintained products. It is as if he is looking
  after his children. He is the sort of man I would like to meet one day not because of his technical mastery but because of his energetic passion.

  The Harvey Pinick quote made me think of the “Broken Windows” doctrine in law enforcemnt. Embraced by Rudi Giuliani while Mayor of New York, (see Giuliani Leadership, Little, Brown 2003, p46=50. ISBN 0316 72455 6), he found that tracking minor crimes
  often impacted more serious matters. Implementing the doctrine required a huge commitment to communication by logging and
  measuring data then interpreting it. The way I understand it the whole thing is an energised, networked connection system. It not only works for sports people and private individuals. It works for organisations as well.

  Dan Reiland’s critique is spot on. I have heard you speak several times and everything he says is true. Even when you say something I already know, perhaps because I’ve already read something you wrote, it still feels new. It is similar to listening to a favourite song but specifically a favourite version.

  Here is some housekeeping:

  My career as a minister over the next two and a half decades may have taken me (to) larger churches…

  Blessings

  RTN

• 89 Wennie Comision // Oct 4, 2009 at 7:13 am

  Thanks John,
  Am very happy to come across this line as I am searching something that I dont have. I tried as much I as can to improve my self in terms of communication. This chaper helps me a lot already how much more when the book is ready … thank you so much
  from..me New Zealand

• 90 Shari // Oct 4, 2009 at 10:47 am

  Wouldn’t it be great if Sam Walton’s ‘10 Foot Rule’ were practiced in churches today? It seems the larger the church, the less likely anyone visiting will even be noticed.

  For me, the real value of this chapter provides concrete action steps for connecting and how to effectively use energy to do so. I too had a speech class as a freshman in college and remember learning nothing more than the amazing terror I felt speaking to a group of people larger than 10 or so.

  Thank you for the continuing lessons.

• 91 Dan H // Oct 4, 2009 at 11:09 am

  I’ve been a big fan of the 21 laws book for a long time. Just found this sharing of your new book today and love it. I especially can identify with the description that you received of being a giver vs. a taker in communicating and leadership. I’ve been on both sides of this one and currently work with someone that is a classic taker. His leadership is very poorly received by our team and what you’ve said here clarifies that it is because of self-focus. I see in his actions, mistakes that I’ve made myself but didn’t realize at the time and I’m taking notes! Looking forward to the final book!

• 92 Chew Keng Sheng // Oct 4, 2009 at 1:23 pm

  Dear John,

  I am glad of what you said:
  “I’ve learned that if you want people to be impressed, you can talk about your successes; but if you want people to identify with you, it’s better to talk about your failures.”

  Thanks for this great reminder.

  Sometimes, I have to admit that the ulterior motive of me speaking is to impress the crowd with how much I know. And this is dangerous: the moment we start feeding ourselves with the praise and adulation from others, we will yearn for more. We may end up losing the focus of our speaking – and that is to impart information to others.

  I have seen speakers who keep on speaking on highly specialized and advanced stuffs that the crowds can’t follow, and this happens despite knowing the fact that the crowds are getting lost and disinterested.

  Sometimes I need to remind myself that I may be able to keep a crowd, but I may not be able to keep a follower, if I am not connecting.

• 93 Elisha Velasco // Oct 4, 2009 at 1:46 pm

  You might’ve heard of King David. Before he was Israel’s greatest king, he was first a ruddy shepherd boy who pawned the most feared giant, Goliath. That’s a great mighty feat for a young boy in his teens, but as David grew up, he had more than just giants come against him. How did David survive it all? Where did he find the strength and the ability to face each of his enemies, no matter how great or many? The answer lies in Psalms, one of the most quoted books in the Bible which David wrote most of.

  “The Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?” -Psalms 27:1

  The source of David’s strength and valiance is in the Lord. David knows that it is the God who fights his battles for him, it is God who subdues his people under him, it is all God! That is why many times, David repeats that God is is his fortress, his refuge. When he feels weak and fearful, he recharges in God. David doesn’t just run to God when the going gets tough, David meditates of God’s word all the day (Psalm 119:97).

  Charge up in God regularly. He is the best source of energy. He gives life and life more abundantly. When God gives you joy, energy, and vitality, He gives it in a way that the world can not give. In that though you are surrounded by tribulations, God’s peace keeps you calm. Though you are faced with people pulling on you, God’s joy still shines within. Though the rest of the world anguishes in stress and fatigue, God’s energy still overflows through you. Because what God gives, the world can not take away.

• 94 Kimberly Tucker // Oct 4, 2009 at 6:00 pm

  John,

  Extremely thought provoking chapter. I thoroughly enjoyed the analysis by Dain Reiland about you being a giver to your audience. I agree totally. As I reflect on individuals whom I gain a great deal from, they do have lots of energy and they are givers.

• 95 Robin McCoy // Oct 4, 2009 at 6:32 pm

  Excellent! This is the perfect information and teaching I can share with all of our “First Impressions” teams at Champions Centre. Very practical and applicable to every area of life! If you truely want to connect with, not just pass by people, then you need to know these “tips”. Slow down, and stop and listen when people speak and to be genuine when you do. Passing them, saying how are you doing and not genuinely caring about a response happens all too often. I read this prior to stepping into our weekend services and wouldn’t you know, a gal was standing right in front of me I said, “Hi, how are you doing?” and she proceeded to tell me. Instead of rushing her and moving on, I stopped, listened to her and found she need someone to hear her, she needed someone to care, she needed someone to pray with her. Thanks so much for the reminder to slow down, and connect! You never know who’s life God has put before you to impact for the Kingdom of God.

• 96 Deb Ingino // Oct 4, 2009 at 6:47 pm

  I love the framwork of givers and takers. If I can approach each opportunity to connect with the mindset of what can I give them, but in the context of what do ‘they’ want me to give them. This would shift the purpose of what I am presenting from “what do I think you need from me?” To “how can I serve you, or what do you hope to learn, or what would make this an amazing experience for you?” This shift will indeed keep me focused on proper connection.

  #5 really hits home. I have not been taking time to recharge properly and now seeing it in this context I wonder if that is the reason that I’m not always focused on what the other person needs. While often we hear about recharging, the framework within the 5 Observations about energy make it resonate and well.
  Thanks!

• 97 Alana Watkins // Oct 4, 2009 at 7:10 pm

  Hi Mr. Maxwell,
  I’m enjoying my twitter experience with you.

  In reading chapter 4, what stood out to me was “Connecting by Showing Initiative”. I’ve seen this work for me but didn’t know that was what I was doing. I work for a mortgage company and towards the end of 2008 and early and mid 2009 we were extremely busy with a high volume of work to do which meant that my group (underwriting aka u/w) received more requests for exceptions or to rush certain files ahead of the others. Someone would come to u/w with a file requesting a favor and the question would be “can one of you rush this file” and although we were terribly busy I would almost always be the 1st one to smile and say yes. Others u/w would help ocassionally but usually while scolding them explaining how busy we are. So obviously I had connected with my teammates and they would just come to me without asking the group of u/w anymore, which meant a lot more work for me but…

  So now, due to the economy and downshift of the mortgage industry we have a very low volume of work to do and all the u/ws are looking for work to do but I usually have a decent amount of work because the same co-workers still come to me with rushes or favors because I connected with them by initiation back then when no one else wanted to while the other u/ws now wish someone would bring them an extra file to help with their productivity.

• 98 Miss C // Oct 4, 2009 at 7:25 pm

  My career as a minister over the next two and a half decades may have taken me larger churches and allowed me to make an impact beyond anything I had dreamed of back then, but I have always had a heart for the people of that congregation in Hillham.

  Awkward–I read it several times. Should it be, taken me to larger…..

• 99 Laurinda // Oct 4, 2009 at 7:44 pm

  This chapter really hit me. 20 years ago, I had to make a decision to not hide behind my introverted personality and connect. Now, when I tell people at work I’m an introvert they laugh. But introverts can exhibit extroverted behavior – it really drains us and we need to recharge sooner than an extrovert. I know when I’m tapped out and need to go be alone (or alone with a close friend) to recharge.

  It’s good to know that extroverts (which you are John) also need to put in effort and energy. Sometimes I feel like they can just wing-it all the time & get a way with it.

  thanks for sharing this!

• 100 chin m c // Oct 4, 2009 at 7:56 pm

  At first I thought only Introverts have trouble in charging up their energy to conect with people. Extroverts do need to charge up to if thye want to connect on a continual basis.

  I am an introvert and my mood determines whether I should connect or not . I have to cheer myself up all the time before conecting with othhers.

• 101 Gina Brady // Oct 4, 2009 at 8:31 pm

  This chapter, as with the others was very educational and motivating. Like you said, we must be able to connect with people to lead and we must know that they are not perfect. My National Director and Mentor, Jamie Vrinios is a great leader and uses a lot of your material while training. This is how I have come to know of you and read your books and gain knowledge of how to be a good leader and a more selfless person. I definatly need to learn to renergize myself, being a mom, going through a divorce and trying to be a student and a team leader all at the same time. I will be a director by 2010 and I have gained some great knowledge and insight from reading your book. Thank you for sharing this and giving back as so many great leaders have also done! God Bless.

• 102 Grace Bower // Oct 4, 2009 at 8:52 pm

  Another great chapter and great comments. I love that this book has a different flavour as you accept comments and acknowledge your support systems and learning from your mistakes. I hope there is a reading list at the end of the book that includes all the books you have quoted/shared/learnt from over the years that you have mentioned in this book.
  I agree with 84 that the story of your reconnection process was so helpful as a teaching tool. Because the reunion was all about Hillham Church that nurtured you in your early days the way each point started with I seemed out of sync – maybe the re-connections came through….. (each point) would put the focus on your end goal instead of you? I loved the comments about impress with success – identify with failures in your sermon and the generous memorabilia gifts as a tangible reminder of the input. 71 also emphasised the importance of gratitude.
  Appreciate the four Unpardonable Sins and the Ten Top Minglers advice.
  Maybe it would help to imprint the 5 proactive ways to use energy if you used a one word command first such as Initiative, Clarity, Patience, Generosity, Stamina in order to automatically invoke the pattern. Then subtitle with connect by going first, connect by preparing, connect by slowing down, connect by giving, connect by recharging.
  Love the appreciation from 50-Les Stobbe – wonder if a heading of The first person to… then bullet points…teach about….. Name would inspire others to list their firsts too.
  6, 30, 69 all commented on the Know your audience questions – what about a template in an appendix? Lisa also gave a great example from Florence Littauer that could be another resource book in your list.
  Patience is such an important attribute – a really helpful book for all is the Power of Patience by Mary Jane Ryan of Conari Press. 65 suggested the Ben Hur quote and 57 talked about using it with children. 16 had a quote about consideration and moving at the pace of others.
  16 talks about feedback and 72 about humble confidence – the quote by Dan about his analysis needs to be accepted as it is his integrity that he says it even if it is hard for you to accept. The list of takers and givers deserves it’s own place as a quote in it’s own right – applicable to all communicators. 7 suggests the Ultimate Connection! 20 has a great contribution to use here about giving and taking. 32 has a music example that fits here too.
  Lots of comments about the recharging! Your example of Margaret with no agenda resonates with 15, 70, 74, 79, 81 in respect to family and children and energy and rest. 51 is a doctor example of scheduling recreation – RE creation is important! 60 introduces the beach – almost any type of nature recreates and relaxes.
  2 makes the point that we are ALL communicators and 22 points out it is all actionable by all personalities. I would love to see you use the Tupperware example of 30 for the unexpected results – and a laugh!
  Finally 54 is a great quote on JOY!!!
  Hope something here is helpful or sets off a spark that helps you. Looking forward to Chapter 5.

• 103 Ed Higgins // Oct 4, 2009 at 9:15 pm

  John,

  What a thought provoking chapter 4.

  As I read it through a few times, I came to a common recognition of the times in my past when I consumed greater amounts of energy to avoid connecting (and I tend to be extroverted most of the time) and felt miserable by it.

  I came to realize that perhaps the energy to not connect is far greater than the energy it takes to connect. I think that, honestly, we may all have these moments. We can probably agree that, unresolved, we feel tired and not to good with ourselves with the energy we’ve wasted to not connect or “work” at a relationship.

  I suppose there is not much sense in “going-green” when it comes to “relationship-energy-consumption”. So, in our relationship with God, ourselves, our family, our work, our friends, our community, lets pray to be the great consumers of energy.

  Ed

  Whether the vulnerable moment is laziness, selfish, – whatever the motive I recall that

• 104 Vera L E Archilla // Oct 4, 2009 at 9:15 pm

  John,

  A great chapter!

  As a physician, I can say that many patients are takers,I go home exhausted, and sometimes it is hard to get away to recharge.
  But when I recharge it’s so good for me and to my patients, I’m sure of this.

  God Bless you!

• 105 Vera L E Archilla // Oct 4, 2009 at 9:16 pm

  I’m waiting for the next chapter!!

• 106 Janet George // Oct 4, 2009 at 9:37 pm

  I really got a lot out of reading the five ways to use energy for connecting. I was surprised that the word “servant” never got used.

• 107 Stacey Lyn Butterfield // Oct 4, 2009 at 9:51 pm

  john~

  due to living a life of dysfunction, in which resulted in becoming of the ‘product of my enviroment’ — a COMPLETE statistic — i have found myself faced with many trials and tribulations, of overcoming and growing past that season, later when taking ownership at the age of 22.

  now, i find myself a faithful woman that has found herself resorting to books as a way to enlighten, guide, educate and inspire. they, being the books, has served as the vehicle in becoming much of who i am today.

  you john maxwell, i hold in such high esteem due to your faith in god, your drive in ministering to others, your passion for teaching and guilding as well as the plethora of knowledge that you choose in sharing.

  with all that said–you by no means are the ‘golden cow’ yet, your wisdom, due to how relational you are, how genuine you are, i have found you in being a source of inspiration of hope, for me.

  i have EXTREME fear of being as well as speaking in front of others. yet i experience much torment when baptizing my pillow in tears — pondering all that is on my heart…of sharing and teaching, of all that my life has consisted of. i have an undeniable calling to lead, give, teach share and serve.

  because of my commitment and desire of being a student, now if not forever…i find myself implementing your works into my days. hoping to adopt them as my own…with a few twists and turns, or course.

  this season in my life is a definite season of tremendous growth. you, are a blessings to me, as well to many.

  thank you for enabling yourself to being god’s vehicle.

  thank you for sharing your successes as well as sharing your mistakes.

  blessings to you and your family~

• 108 Tim Buttrey // Oct 4, 2009 at 9:53 pm

  There were moments reading this chapter that I actually got chocked up. It’s amazing to me how you take common themes we all usually take for granted and often miss and you nail them to the wall. Brilliant. And, for what it is worth, I agree with Dan!

• 109 Alan Humphries // Oct 4, 2009 at 9:54 pm

  Connecting requires energy for sure, however when we are willing to expend energy on others it always comes back many times over. “As we sow, so shall we reap”! This is so true in the area of connecting with others.

• 110 Patty // Oct 4, 2009 at 9:56 pm

  An excellent chapter!

  I would suggest changing this sentence:

  A young woman who was not accustomed to driving with a manual transmission stalled a car at a stoplight.

  A young woman repeatedly stalled her car at a stoplight because she wasn’t used to driving a car with a manual transmission. (Leave out the next sentence starting with, “When the light turned green… ) Continue the paragraph with “Each time she started the car…”

  I worked for a pastor who was so arrogant and self serving that I had to quit my job and the church I loved so much. I would LOVE for him to read this book. I think he will actually, but he’ll never recognize himself as an egotistical tyrant.

  Thank you so much for the opportunity to read this book as you have posted it. It’s wonderful!

  I really pray that this book will reach people

• 111 Rick Costa // Oct 4, 2009 at 9:57 pm

  As I read this chapter I kept smiling because it is echoing a lot of what God has been teeling me this week about getting the focus off of “self” and onto “others.” Jesus of course being the greatest example of this. He could have quit His mission at any time since He knew the pain He would have to go through but His love and focus on others needs overpowered any desires He had for His own well being and comfort. Thanks for writing this!

• 112 Karen // Oct 4, 2009 at 9:59 pm

  I will read this over and over. It has many nuggets to chew on. As a leader and communicator we need to give with a pure heart for adding value to our audience. And although our audience may not be able to put the feeling to words, they will leave either feeling more or less full. What a responsibility. And if we start from the end and work backward, we will put the time, energy, and thought into our presentation. Priceless examples from people you have learned from. They punctuate this chapter with reinforcement and clarity. I will thank Gator for sending a tweet on this opportunity.

• 113 Candace Sargent // Oct 4, 2009 at 10:00 pm

  John, I love the subject of connection requiring energy. Busy week and I have to run to dinner very soon, but I wanted to get in quick before comments closed on Chapter 4; I forget sometimes that there’s 3 hours difference so it closes at 7pm our time. It might be kind of messy, so read at your own risk lol.

  First off, before I forget yet again, let me start with a request that you provide a chapter summary of high points/action items (e.g. “What To Take Away From This Chapter”). Especially with this type of book, application is key, so if it isn’t provided, we have to create one ourselves. Today, with so much information to digest and apply, when it’s present, it gives the reader freedom to really enjoy the chapter; otherwise, I usually read the chapter once to enjoy it, and then again, to glean “take away” points.

  I’ll start reading and commenting as I go:

  The opener doesn’t grab me as well as previous chapters; however, the Hillham example was EXCELLENT!!!!! It was lengthy but its length was necessary: detailing the significant energy expenditure, A to Z, was critical for a complete picture of what will need to become SECOND-NATURE to those who strive for the ease and confidence of connecting.

  I agree about sincere gratitude expressed in SPECIFIC words… “Every young pastor should spend their first years of ministry at Hillham. It would give them a foundation for a successful ministry.” is a wave of warmth that washes over them. Your last words to them topped off the Hillham Reunion perrrrfectly, graciously; they felt deeply valued which is one of THEE BEST things you can convey to anyone.

  Important to me… As I’m reading on, you switch to “Top 10 Minglers” followed by “Five Proactive Steps…” My brain is struggling… First, I really needed a summary “Top 10 Points,” so-to-speak, that you applied at Hillham which was a great example of A to Z so I need “take away” points that I can apply to other situations. And second, it’s followed by “Top 10 Minglers” so I have to determine how it relates: is it a completely separate list for a whole other type of connecting like at a get-together?..or are there overlaps with Hillham? Looks like there’s overlaps: when you met the day before at the reunion get-together, you would have applied “Top 10 Minglers.” Then on to “Five Proactive Steps…” which also has overlaps with Hillham. A reader’s brain shouldn’t have to work this hard…maybe the chapter summary would have sorted it out and brought it together?

  Your colleague Dan Reiland was right on-the-money; Dan not only expresses it succinctly but also, pleasing which may be his rhythm, maybe his alternating between short and long sentences…whatever it is, it keeps your momentum going and your absorption high.

  MORE THOUGHTS…

  Reserves are bone-dry:

  What happens when u simply don’t have the energy and reserve tanks are bone-dry, AND NOW, you are walking into the get-together? Set your cruise control by parroting—for example, when he starts talking about his trip to the Andes, you’ll parrot enthusiastically, “You took a trip to the Andes?” And he’ll happily respond “Yes! It was innnnncredible…I did…I saw…I climbed all the way to the top of the highest peak!!” You continue parroting “Oh my gosh, you climbed all the way to the top?” …(Just get into a rhythm with a little randomness to keep it fresh—he will end up carrying 95% of the conversation and loving every minute of it! )

  Recharging reserve tanks:

  It’s very important to recharge reserve tanks because if consistently left empty, you’ll have to shut down connecting for self-preservation. First, we pray the Holy Spirit comforts and fills our reserve tanks to the brim Second, friends… Givers consistently use up energy, sometimes a lot, sometimes every last molecule leaving even our reserve tanks bone-dry as the Sahara. So, we make sure our inner circle of friends are givers so we’ll have enough energy for the outer circle, on out into the world.

  Framework/Mechanics:

  If you don’t have the framework, the mechanics down, it seems to burn 10 times the energy. Practicing and learning the framework is what we used to do in the old days when people grew up trained in etiquette, social graces, etc….this was a foundational starting point to connecting.
  Unfortunately, today we don’t put enough training and preparation in this area so right off, people are at a disadvantage because they are unaware of the MANY reasons why they aren’t connecting??? These are learned later if they are fortunate enough to catch at least an interpersonal communications class or hit the self-help section at the bookstore.

  Just like all the learning you had to do early on: crawl, walk, talk, eat with utensils…all of these mechanics were a great effort that drained much energy..that’s probably why toddlers go to sleep, out cold on the ground, in their chair, on their plate. Similarly, learning all the mechanics of connecting is exactly the same: when you start the real work, it’s exhausting, but after you’ve mastered the mechanics, it leaves so much more time for the cream of the connection, like cream rises to the top, you want that sweet cream of real enjoyment, the ease of making each unique connection.

  It takes energy but you’ll expend that energy either way: either COPING or CONNECTING!
  If people don’t commit themselves to doing the hard work of learning and practicing connection, A to Z, it has such a huge negative impact on their daily lives:/ I liken it to going through life without knowing how to read..the toll it takes, never knowing why someone isn’t calling you back, “Why am I not connecting?” “What does John have that I don’t?” “I know they really just don’t like being with me and I don’t know why?” “I hate going to those functions..I didn’t talk with anyone all night and nobody noticed.” ..the incredible exhaustion of it, the fallout..expending that kind of COPING energy is much worse than buckling down , and once and for all, learning and mastering connection.

  In learning the mechanics, it’s helpful to create templates for common scenarios; then memorize and soak them in like your morning routine on auto-pilot. Afterwards, tailor your connection to types that strengthen you; include not only those that expend less energy but those you get excited about and look forward to. Diminish or discard the types that bottom you out quickly or create in you avoidance behavior, etc; otherwise, you get weary and risk reducing connection across the spectrum.

  What each person draws from you:

  What adds to the energy depletion is trying to figure out what each person draws from you; to them you are: witty interesting or sharp intellectual dinner conversation, positive cheerleader, sounding-board, good shoulder to cry on, etc. It varies quite a bit so you use energy to pay attention to clues and shift gears.

  Again, John, I loved this chapter on energy…can’t wait for Chapter 5.

  Candace