Connecting Goes Beyond Words
ByChapter 3 Synopsis
Connecting Goes Beyond Words
People watch a reality show on television where two equally talented people sing the same song. One of them gives the audience goose bumps; the other one leaves everybody cold. Why is that?
Two professors at a university teach the same class at the same time using the same prescribed syllabus and required textbook. Students stand in line at registration to get into the first teacher’s class, while the other’s class starts below capacity and dwindles to just a few students. Why?
Two managers work together running a restaurant. All twenty employees work regularly for each of them. When the first manager needs extra help and asks people to work late, they do so willingly. When the other manager makes the same appeal the next week, all the employees make excuses for why they can’t stay. What’s the reason for the difference?
Two parents raise a child together in the same household, enforcing the same rules. One parent gets cheerful compliance and the other gets resistance. Why?
Shouldn’t the words of the song evoke the same response in both singers? Shouldn’t the same course be equally appealing to students? Shouldn’t both managers expect to be given the same consideration? Shouldn’t parents in the same household inspire the same reaction?
Intuitively, you probably know that the answer is no.
Why? Because we tend to respond to – in other words, connect with – others based on more than the words that come out of their mouths.
How do we do that? Howard Hendricks says that all communication has three essential components. When we communicate, we must include:
- Thought – Something we know.
- Emotion – Something we feel.
- Action – Something we do.
Communication breaks down if any one of those is missing. But when I include all three, the message itself has conviction, passion, and credibility.
And the result is connection.
Comments are closed on this post.
Sorry. I made a comment earlier on chapter two and when I posted it the comments had already closed. I hope it is OK to place the chapter two post here at the beginning of chapter three!
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My post at the end of chapter one was “Genuine connecting won’t happen unless I am truly interested in the other person.” When I read the title of chapter two I had to smile!
Chapter two. Sadly, when I was younger and immature, I saw my marriage primarily as a benefit to me. Linda was there to be my “helper.” She felt called to be a pastor’s wife and me to be a pastor. That seemed convenient! Because I took Linda for granted I failed to genuinely care about her leading to severe disconnection. I have learned from my mistakes and now want to earn a PhD in LJB (Linda Jane Buttrey.) We now believe that self-centeredness is the number one destroyer of marriage. In addition, we teach other-centeredness as being the great liberator. Our concept of other-centeredness (Christ-likeness) seems more appropriate than even selflessness. In my studies of Jesus he is much more other-centered than selfless. Just a thought.
Not only is this chapter helpful for general speakers, but it is a good reminder of important considerations for trial attorneys. Have you considered including examples of juror feedback on trial lawyers?
John,
This is exceptional! Oh my goodness! I loved it! I look forward to reading more and more chapters of this upcoming book! I love your talks at all of the World Wide Group functions! Thanks for being such a light for all of us!
John:
It just keeps getting better. Chapter three is chocked full of useful nuggets. Thank you.
I’ve been fortunate to be asked to speak many times to my peers in the real estate world and agree wholeheartedly with your four components of communication: what people see, understand, feel and hear are critical for the speaker to address.
The valuable lesson I’ve learned about delivering the message with all four of those components in mind is exactly what you pointed out. If we want our audience to take action on the message, we must MOVE when we deliver it. We cannot stand behind the lectern or sit across the desk, or freeze in front of a non-moving camera in the video.
We must gesture, pace, nod, and *connect* in a natural way that is genuine to whom we are as a person, when conveying a heart-felt and compelling message we want to have someone take action on, or take away to use.
Nothing changes until something moves.
that was AWESOME!!!! it is great, excellent, i believed you covered all i needed to know about the topic… Great Job… I love this chapter, it is definitely one that i will read over and over and over… and EVERYONE should read it =-)
Thanks!
God Bless
WOW! I’ve been learning so much from these three chapters. Thank you so much!
A little edit for point 3.WHAT PEOPLE FEEL-CONNECTING EMOTIONALLY ‘Confidence is like that- when invested on others- helps people to feel comebued to the person who IS giving it and it makes them confident in themselves. ‘
Dear John,
Superb! Big thanks for reminding me that facial expression, body gesture and face to face communication still are the core of the effective communication.
As now is the era of Blackberry (in Indonesia), many people usually communicate via this device. Walking and texting, talking and testing, even having a holy matrimony and texting
The top thing of our mind when hearing the word “connection” is no longer “connection” between people, but more to internet “connection”.
It’s ironic that what’s made to keep us connected to others actually set us in a less intimate situation.
Looking forward to next chapters!!
Happy connecting,
Laverne
Interesting note about the lighting in your speaking venue. This weekend our church staff had intentionally attempted create an aesthetic environment with candles and dim lighting during the weekend service (not our normal practice). However, it was so dark, I couldn’t read my Bible nor take notes during the message. I would conclude our pastor couldn’t see us either and couldn’t adjust as he normally does, as a result, I struggled to stay engaged. Sometimes the “small stuff” isn’t so insignificant. Thanks for that experienced tip.
Also, Mike Harrison is credited as the source of the quote: “People … will always remember how you made them feel.” I love the quote, however a brief Google search shows this quote is also attributed to Mother Teresa, Maya Angelou, Mark Twain, Bonnie Jean Wasmund, Carl W. Buechner, Walt Disney, Dr. Thomas L. Garthwaite, Steven Krushen, Michael Port and (of course) the infamous “Annonymous.”
As the child of a mother and grandmother hard of hearing before hearing aids were accessible to those with deafness I have spent my life longing to connect but with limited skills an intelligent mind and a powerful family life and story around the devastation one family experiences with the absence of deep and meaningful connection.
As a Coach I found I attracted many through my story and successes yet I have recently noticed the limitations and potentially debilitating communication of my need for altering my style of connection. While I do so quite well in some situations I realized that unless I find the key to connection more authentically I would need to retire. However praise God one more time He delivers my need this time through you John someone only He knew I had this sense of connection with that drew me to you that I now understand was a resonation and alignment with the congruency of any of your messages wether in written word or on TV. For obvious reasons I have a keen sense of the non verbal and incongruency of a message and delivery which has often left me feeling doubtful and confused
since I thought it had to do with the absence of a learning that children of deaf people might experience. However this chapter perfectly describes why we connect with some and not with others and the relevance of the nature of congruency. This chapter also raises ones consciousness regardless of the environment to asssist in the reconnection that so many long for.
Gods refining hand and a message so timely for me and those I can more boldy serve now.
Wonderfully inspiring.
Bless the messenger and the message.
Maureen
Dear Sir John,
Same feelings of awe, wonder, interest, admiration and enjoyment were what I felt when I read Chapter 3 of your new book, “Many Communicates, Few Connect” . These were also my feelings when I read the first of your many publications that I have received in my email ad through articles-that-help. about “Thinking for a Change.” Since January, 2005 to present, I have always enjoyed reading your articles in Leadership Wired.
But now, the more that I admire you for embarking on interactive book writing….. very new idea and innovative, in my own opinion.
You have comprehensively covered the topic on connecting beyond words. I like the four components and how they are explained. Most of all, I like to read about your personal experiences because they give us hope and inspiration that we can also do the same – learn and improve ourselves as authentic communicators, especially with our family members, friends and co-workers.
May I just ask to clarify the phrase: “….to let them know how WE ARE delighted WE ARE to be with them….”
I am also wondering about an idea that came across my mind when I saw the title of one of your references, “Silent Messages.”
Is silent communication also a way of connecting? Like, when I just look into your eyes, and you immediately understand me without me saying a single word? Or, do moments of silence also help in connecting? Like, when we just look at the speaker, and the speaker just looks into the audience, and they both instinctively know that they feel or think similarly? I am just wondering . . .
As a whole, Chapter 3 is great! I have never imagined that this topic on communication can be expanded to cover such a wide range of ideas, and appropriately so, with our modern information mass media, and emerging cyber language in texts, chats and the like.
Thank you so much, Sir John, for making yourself accessible and in easy connection with us. More power and God bless.
so far i have enjoyed all three chapters…..bright smiles and a beautiful day…..tami
This was a helpful but difficult chapter! As someone who tends to come across more intellectually and dispassionate I can see there are many ways in which I can (must!) improve. Yet knowing how to ‘be more expressive’ and letting yourself shine through is going to be a big change. In grad school in science we were taught that you talk must be completely objective, all about the facts, and never use a first person pronoun. How much different to try to actually ‘connect’ with an audience!
The one thing that was a disconnect between us in reading this was that you seemed to be pushing a style that you are good at (you said you’re a visual communicator). There was an unintended conflicting message for me: ‘find your own voice’ and ‘communicate more like me, not the way you are now.’ Thanks!
WOW! Another intresting chapter. l’ve really been blessed reading the first 3 chapters of your new book.
Please e-mail me the list of bookshops or stores where l can get your books in Nigeria. Thanks, God bless you.
Gasp! Waiting with bated breath for the next chapter….
Hi John,
Chapter 3 is revealing many of your effective scheme. When you wrote that you have to live what you write, you did. That makes this chapter very powerful.
I think it’s a good idea to emphasize the know-your-audience and about delivering genuine message.
Once i had an unsuccessful experience talking to junior service community. When i find out that 99% of junior church kids went there because of their parents [think that's why we were not connected] i feel sorry and hope that i could manage such situation to use my simple thoughts and inspirations to help people.
Your book will definitely make a big change.
Sincerely,
Theresia
Chapter 3 was great. I think that expanding with how to step for componets of communication will assist the reasder immensely.
As you have illustrated in previous books, after chapter or even in the chapter questions and ercercises help each one reading to practice and learn the concepts. As you may jknow, readers of maxwell want takeaway lessons. How can you improve if you do not offer guidelines to practice the concepts.
I know through my own learning experience, I have read, going out to practice is where the challenge gets stuck. Desire is there but the guidelines and steps may not be properly outlined.
Any how, greast material. All is falling into place with this great simple concept of connecting emotionally to serve others!
THANK YOU for allowing us to be part of this publication. This is an honor to be able to participate and we thank you for your outstanding leadership!
As it has been said about William Booth – the Founder of the Salvation Army and OTHERS…..
Early in the 1900′s William Booth prepared a telegram to be sent out to all Salvationists across the world. With the cost being so high he could only afford to send out one word. The word he carefully chose to speak to all Salvationists was one that would be carried forever as a signature for the Salvation Army mission. That word send out across the world was “Others”, and still the founder’s message lives on.
Thanks again for including this portion in your book on ‘OTHERS’ – its so crucial in communicating.
Blessings
Sandi
Thanks again John for this opportunity to participate in the making of this book.
I believe that Ronald Reagan was one of the 20th century’s greatest communicators and connectors. In addition to his folksy personality and easy smile, he passionately believed in his mission as president and the philosophy that served as his foundation.
I recently had the opportunity to read three books on Reagan that drove this point home. Two were publications of his personal letters and his diaries from his time in office. Here we get a look at the real man and see the unwavering passion he had for democracy and for this country. The third is a brilliantly-written book titled “Reagan’s Secret War” and deals with his complex relationship with several Soviet leaders. Here again one sees an unwavering commitment to his core principles.
This passion, I believe, is part of what came across in Reagan’s many speeches and press conferences and helped make the Great Communicator also a Great Connector.
Thanks again John for sharing your work with us.
Actually that is not what the Mehrabian research said. Here’s an interview of him in which he says he cringes when he hears it misquoted:
http://wordsthatmovemountains.com/files/page1_1.mp3
Back several years ago (maybe 20 or so) I was involved in sales. One of the techniques we were taught was called “Feel, Felt, Found”. This technique was to be used to overcome objections to buying the product. Basically it went like this:
When the customer expressed an objection, you would say “I know how you feel, I felt the same way when I first heard these claims. But do you know what I found. You would then explain while this is a common comment, it is unfounded because of… fill in the blank for that objection.
The purpose was to connect at an emotional level. This technique work for some and not for others. I believe the reason is believing in the product. If you truly believed, you had passion and you connected, if you did not truly believe in the product, nothing was going to give you the ability to connect.
Dear John,
Thanks for this chapter.
Typical of John Maxwell’s style, this chapter is packed with tons of helpful tips, and shifts from focus to focus in a fast pace:)
From personal experience as a lecturer, I agree totally with what you said. Oftentimes, what determine whether I will successfully connect with my students or not is not really the contents of the lecture (though that is important); but rather, whether I am REAL or not.
I personally experienced and believe that people can see through you, beyond your talk, beyond your slides, beyond your outward appearance. They can see whether you are really genuinely care for them and concern for their performance and grades, or whether you are just up there to showcase how much you know.
At times, really, action speaks louder than words. Respect has got to be earned. When you earn their respect, you win the right to hold their ears for your talk.
I also agree with you that the first few minutes either makes or breaks your talk (in your chapter, you quote Roger Ailes for the seven-second rule to make the right first impression). I personally think we have got more than 7 seconds but no more than, probably, first 5 – 10 minutes to make that first impression. Within the first five to 10 minutes, they will decide whether you are worth their attention or not. You can force their presence in the room or hall, but you can’t force their attention and mind to your talk.
Dear John
I am an avid reader and follower of your principles and teaching on Leadership. This chapter is up there with your best, as always. You make the complex simple and easy to apply.
As a South African pastor, I have come to appreciate how well American culture has mastered this art of connecting and story-telling. I would write the names of Colin Powell, Bill Hybels, Oprah Winfrey and Joel Osteen alongside yours in my “connecting” hall of fame.
However, I would appeal for more examples from other non-American cultures. As much as we appreciate the strengths of the USA in so many areas, this chapter would be even more effective outside of the USA and hopefully even in the USA with a greater diversity of illustrations.
How about stories about powerful connectors like Nelson Mandela, Mother Theresa, and Winston Churchhill to name a few.
Thanks for the opportunity to comment.
Gareth Stead
Pastor, Cape Town, South Africa
These are GREAT lessons for a young leader like myself who strive to connect with others!
I thought the chapter was excellent! However, I feel that the concept of 4. What People Hear–Connecting Verbally can be expanded upon. Although the essence of what you are saying is that the words aren’t AS important as the way you say it with the emotion you communicate (with which I full agree), but they still ARE important. Are there stories where you INTENDED to mean something but your choice of words got in the way and was less effective? I think this would help that section, otherwise a great chapter!
Thank’s John
I am a pastor and speak each Sunday. I never realized how many non verbal mistakes I was making until I saw myself on video. Now it is my regular exercise to go back and listen to myself on tape to determine, not only what I said, but also how I said it. The tape doesn’t lie.
The book is great-thank you
John Love
There is a number 5.
5. What People Hear—Connecting Spiritually
I hope this does not sound weird, but we are made in God’s image and God is spirit. So, there is a connection between us that is spirit. This goes way deepter that Connecting Emotionally.
Time does not allow me to expound but I think you get the message/idea.
Born again or not, we all still connect spiritually.
Sorry.
5. What People Sense—Connecting Spiritually
When I was in 6th grade my cousin introduced me to marijuana. Then some older “friends” introduced me to alcohol. In Jr High I was intoduced to Cocaine and sex and then added pills to the mix when I was in High school. I didn`t become your text book addict, I was what you call a functioning adddict.
My addictions followed me into adulthood into my 1st marriage to a man who was addicted like me. Into my divorce and into my next marriage. I did get clean for 9 years while I was married the 2nd time. Well…. I wasn`t really clean, I just traded addictions. I became addicted to pornography when my husband convinced me that it would enhance our sex lives. After our 9 marriage, we got divorced and I returned to my “old friends” to numb the pain. My life hit bottom shortly after.
I finally gave my life to God and was attending church every time the doors were open, but usually high or under the influence of alcohol or some other drug. It only lasted for a little over a month when God said to me… you can`t live both lives… you need to choose. I chose life with Jesus.
Jan 1st of 2000 God delivered me from my addictions. They no loger had a stronghold on my life. I have been clean and sober since.
I felt the calling to share what Jesus had done for me but I couldn`t see how. I was not a speaker by any way shape or form. I thought to myself, who is going to listen me?
I had the opportunity to start a Celebrate Recovery ministry at my church, which had about 3500 members. The Pastor did not let just anyone share his pulpit. But they decided I had a story to tell and he allowed me to give my testimoy on a Sunday morning with about 2000+ in attendance.
I was supposed to write an outline so they knew what I was going to say. It came down to the last minute and I told them I had no idea. The night before I was to speak, God gave me the scripture Isaiah 61: 1-11 telling me that I was appointed to set the captives free and to preach the good news and also Mark 13:10-11 about how not to worry beforehand about what to say, the Holy Spirit will give me the words.
I had no idea what was going to come out of mouth but I just knew that God would give me the words.
I had 5 minutes. From the moment I took the stage, I have no recolection of what came out of mouth other than I just shared my story. I looked around at the peoples faces, and just shared my heart. At one point, I received a standing ovation! I was overwhelmed. I ended up speaking for almost 10 minutes and the Pastor just let me go until I was done.
I connected. People came up to me after the service and started sharing their testimonies, and telling me how touched they were by what I shared. I had to smile because I really didn`t remember exactly what I said!
I had lived it, therefore I knew it.
I remembered the emotions of the pain of addiction and the joy of redemtion, therefore I felt it.
I shared what I had done to change, therefore I shared my actions.
I would say based on this chapter, that speech had all the components of connection and it worked to a tee. Now I know why it worked!
Hi John,
Thank you for the great chapter. As someone that does a lot of public speaking myself I would say that I have found two indicators of whether I connected with my audience or not. The first is the level of engagement with me during my talk. This can be measured by eye contact and active listening signals for a large audience and by verbal interaction and eye contact with smaller audiences. The audience size really does not matter, I can always tell if I have connected or not based on engagement factors. Secondly, I can tell that I have connected when I hear comments after my talk about how much energy I exhibited on stage. I appreciated you calling out energy as a component of connecting. I find that my energy comes from two sources; my love of the content that I am speaking about and my intense desire to want to add value to the lives of those kind enough to come hear me speak. It really is not about my words, but about the passion and belief I put into delivering those words. People notice and people connect when they know how much you care about the topic and about them personally.
Thank you!
John,
Thank you for your devotion to using your strengths to help others develop & refine their own. I have enjoyed many of your books & articles over the years. Thinking for a Change, There’s no Such Thing as Business Ethics, & Put Your Dream to the Test have been my favorites.
Forging out into “corporate America” seemed the logical choice after college, but the more I’ve grown into my own strengths the more I’ve realized I can make a larger impact outside of it.
Chapter 3 resonates with me especially in looking at what your friend Dan Reiland mentioned that, “…people with charisma possess an outward focus instead of an inward one. They pay attention to other people, and they desire to add value to them.” Sometimes we get so focused on improving ourselves that we fail to focus on others.
In the last few years I have been working with horses & ministry. I can think of no, more perfect example of connecting beyond words than the connection a horse offers. As horses are naturally prey, they react & are sensitive to the slightest communication or change in environment. However, God also created them with a strength, gentleness & capacity for unconditional love that to me, reflects His very nature.
Many are becoming familiar with the amazing way horses tend to those with disabilities & help them find their own strength & confidence through therapeutic riding programs. But less familiar I believe, are the ministries that exist that help seemingly normal people connect to something outside of themselves when they’ve been forced inward through abuse, fear, self-doubt, ridicule, pain, or grief. Horses are honest & non-judgemental & connecting with them can sometimes reach broken people before other people can. Often that connection tears down a wall that allows the person to begin moving forward & connecting with others as well.
My dream is to serve as many as possible with this ministry & to help people move forward through whatever challenges life has faced them with. My inspiration has been http://www.CrystalPeaksYouthRanch.org & your mentorship. Thank you.
I thought this was an excellent primer on public speaking and self-presentation. I have to agree with you that you must connect to others with your own personal experiences. If you took your personal experiences out of this chapter, it would be boring and I would probably just skim through it, but your personal experiences draw me in and help me understand the message you are communicating – that physicality is just as important as your words.
Dear Mr. Maxwell,
Once again you have written a very captivating Chapter! I now have my husband and five kids drawn in as I share excerpts with them and give hubby a summarized overview each time.
The overall content of Chapter 3 is deep, challenging, inspiring and well organized. I did, however, miss the stories. I recognize that you are collecting stories to add, and this may well be a chapter where you will do that, so I comment somewhat cautiously. The stories – especially those from your personal experience – bring the book to life and reality for me.
It’s fascinating to discover something new each time and see how far I have to go – I know I’m not alone in that. I work hard at being a good communicator but what I’m learning is that there’s so much more to discover! I confess that after reading Chapter 2, I wondered, “How will there be enough for 13 chapters?!” Not anymore!
I love the story of when you were a third grader! That is priceless – made me laugh out loud and when I shared with my kids it produced the same result! You started back then already, living what many of us only begin to discover in adulthood – to accept ourselves and do the best with what God has given us – though I can’t imagine you were anything less than a sweet little boy back then.
Thanks for teaching us. I’ll be back for class next week.
Blessings to you and all your loved ones!
Trudy
Your Actions Speak So Loudly…
Paragraph 1: “When many people try to communicate…” // I immediately envision a large group of people trying to communicate. Suggest: When they try to communicate, many people believe the message….”
Paragraph 4: “I believe those three components are essential to connect with others…” // For syntax purposes I would change “essential to connect with…” to “…essential to connecting with…” Later, at the end of that paragraph, I suggest replacing “…” which means ‘and so on’ with “:” which means ‘as follows’ or often indicates a list is coming
1 What People See – Connecting Visually
In this subtitle I see something that is repeated throughout the chapter, and is, to me, very visually distracting and more difficult to read. The dash between words has no space before and after, not allowing for easy flow.
Paragraph 3: ‘board room’ should be one word “boardroom” and, in the last sentence, the word ‘author’ is redundant. How about “Television executive, communication consultant and author of You Are the Message, Roger Ailes, wrote in Success magazine,”
Paragraph 5: “They react to your voice-the tone and pitch.” This would possibly flow better with “The react to the tone and pitch of your voice.” The sentence immediately following could have a slightly clearer message and extra punch if the commas were replaced with dashes.
Paragraph 6: “People can perceive a lot in seven seconds. They can decide that they do not want to hear anything a speaker wants to say. Or they can be struck by how much they are attracted to someone. // The word ‘can’ is over-used in this paragraph. The first ‘can’ could be eliminated ,or, if it’s not a generalized statement you want to make, the second ‘can’ could be replaced with ‘may’ and/or the third one to “might. Also the second sentence has ‘want’ in twice, making the sentence a bit clumsy when you read it out loud. If the second ‘want’ is replaced with ‘has’ it works better. “…not want to hear what a speaker has to say…”
Later in the same paragraph, Henry Ward Beecher’s quote is hard to read but by eliminating a short redundant phrase, it comes to life. “There are persons so radiant, so genial, so kind, so pleasure-bearing, that you instinctively feel good in their presence (‘that they do you good’ – remove and replace with [...]), whose coming into a room is like bringing a lamp there.
Expand Your Range of Expressions: “… And whether we are aware of it, we also convey messages…” The word ‘whether’ requires an “or not” after “aware of it,”. Could also make the sentence, “And though we may not be aware of it…”
Next Paragraph: “…When they arrive at our house, we stop whatever we’re doing to let them know how we are delighted we are to be with them…” Remove “how we are” so the sentence reads, “…let them know how delighted we are to…”
Maintain An Open Posture
Paragraph 2: “… threatened to prevent my going to a speaking engagement scheduled in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania.” I suggest changing ‘my’ to ‘me from’
Next Sentence: “The only way I could fulfill my obligation was to bring my wife with me to help me get clothed and ready to speak, and to request that the host provide a stool for me to sit on.” I would suggest the following: “The only way I could fulfill my obligation was to bring my wife, to help me get clothed and ready to speak, and request that my host provide a stool for me to sit on.”
Paragraph 4: “Because I am comfortable and open with others, they tend to be comfortable with and receptive to me.” Suggest changing the end of the sentence: “Because I am comfortable and open with others, they tend to be ‘…comfortable and receptive with me’ or ‘…comfortable and receptive toward me.’”
Pay Attention to Your Surroundings
Paragraph 2: “That’s why I always try to see the venue before I speak any time I’m booked for a speaking engagement.” To use ‘before I speak’ and ‘speaking engagement’ is redundant. An alternative could be, “That’s why I always try to see the venue ‘…before a speaking engagement’ or ‘…when I’m booked for a speaking engagement.
4. What People Hear
Paragraph 2: “British prime minister Benjamin….” Capitals are necessary for “Prime Minister”
Putting it all Together
Paragraph 2: “The best advice I can give you is to tell you to learn how to be yourself” How about, “The best advice I can give you is to learn how to be yourself.” It’s short, it’s punchy and focuses on the best advice that you can give anyone!
Same paragraph: “So do the best stand up comics and politicians and entertainers and leaders.” I would recommend changing comics to comedians and removing two of the ‘ands’. Possibly start the sentence with ‘And…’ ? “And so do the best stand up comedians, politicians, entertainers and leaders.”
You are truly one of the ‘best of the best’ in the world of leadership & communicating effectively! This week I asked a business man friend of mine if he’s familiar with John C. Maxwell. “Are you kidding! We use all of his stuff all the time!” He then showed me his book shelves…. I believed him!
Sorry, I meant to put a note at the top of previous post clarifying that it was editing suggestions only and do my own double check on my suggestions. I hit submit by accident…
blessings!
Hi John, As your dentist, I couldn’t let your comments about smiling pass without throwing in my 2 cents. I’ve watched you over the years as your smile has evolved. First with orthodontics and then cosmetic dentistry. You walk the talk.
I have personally seen people transformed by giving them back their smile. Don’t underestimate the power of a smile. Smiling is a choice that one makes and conveys self confidence and warmth. Studies have actually shown that people can discern an insincere smile.
Andy Andrews in his book, Mastering the 7 Decisions, gives one of the best descriptions of smile I ever read: “My smile has become my calling card. It is after all, the most potent weapon I possess. My smile has the strength to forge bonds, break ice, and calm storms. I will use my smile constantly. Because of my smile, the people whom I come in contact on a daily basis will choose to further my causes and my leadership. I will always smile first. That particular display of good attitude will tell others what I expect in return……….The power of who I am is displayed when I smile.
Your friend, Dr. Bill
“You need to be more than just a messenger. You must be the message you want to deliver.”
A friend once told me that we need to be who we’re supposed to be before we can do what we’re supposed to do. Thank you for reminding us that when we’re speaking to people, it’s not just about what we know or what we’ll say, but it’s about having the message embedded into our own spirits before we share it with others.
“It’s not enough to hit the notes. There is no point in the singers just standing there and sounding wonderful if they’re not connecting with the characters they are portraying.” ~Bruce Beresford
“You win the presidency by connecting with the American people’s gut insecurities and aspirations. You win with a concept.”
~Thomas Friedman
As a minister’s wife and leader I know this is key to my effectiveness with the people I contact and help. My husband is better at this communication than I am and constantly helps me to correct tonal and physical idiosyncrasies that I have.
For example when he called me during our dating stage, he commented to me that my voice would sound irritated when I answered the phone. He also said my discussions sounded like criticism though I did not intend that to be either. We are married now and he continues to help me with communication. This chapter really opened my eyes and ears and helped me understand his perspective. I now run all my presentations by him to make sure I sound and look credible and personable.
Thank you for the additional advice.
Every professional speaker, musician, and small business owner should have the Connection Checklist laminated and posted where they can see it everyday. It’s that important to their success.
Dr. John you are a great man! I am from the south part of Brazil. I am 19 and I first read a book of yours when I was 16. I love learn about leadership with you because I also learn principles for my life. Many times I was living a fake christian life, but through your books I was awaken to live God’s dreams for my life! Thank you for being a bless to me! I wish I could meet you someday! God bless you!
As you write about connections 2 things come to my mind. The 1st is church. We recently moved from Jacksonville, FL to the Champaign, IL area for a new job. The church we left was phenomenal and captured all of the elements you are saying about making a connection. The church we have been going to here in IL, is following the same “script” for growing a church but the sincerity and genuineness seem to be lacking. I can’t put my finger on the specifics yet, but maybe it boils down to trust at this point. The speaker hasn’t captured my trust yet for me to be all in.
The 2nd thing that came to my mind had less to do with public speaking connections as it did to starting a new job. I remember telling my wife when I came home that the first thing that I need to do is start finding what that connection is and then start making it with those people around me whose support I will need the most. Once I make a connection with them I will be able to influence them and hence be a more effective leader. Again, it boiled down to trust. I had put myself out there to serve and promise commitments and then follow through on those commitments. I had to do first for them before I could expect them to do for me.
I haven’t read the 1st 2 chapters yet, but I am really enjoying what I have read in the 3rd chapter. Thanks for always making a connection with me and ultimately being a great influence in my life, although not as often as I would like sometime.
I am a basketball coach and I appreciate the insight in this chapter. I love giving the halftime speach that the players can connect with and take to the court. I will use this chapter to improve my ability to communicate and motivate my players. Thanks
O.K. John, you got me. I’m connected. I gave you a book I wrote, Tid Bits Of Life, last year at the Jim Blanchard Leadership Conference. In it on pages 146-147 I wrote; “Do you hear only words coming from someones mouth, or do you listen for the message they are sending you. If you listen carefully to people talk, their hearts will show up at some point. The heart will control their words or their tone of voice, or even the look in their eyes. If you can learn to listen for the heart and hear it, it will tell you what it needs or what it wants you to hear. When you learn what someone needs or has in his or her heart, you once again have the opportunity to help them, or yourself, learn and grow just as you did when you looked at what was being done.”
When I wrote that I thought I was talking about listening, but just now realized I was really talking about connecting. Thanks for the revelation.
Right on! People need to be outwardly focused in order to connect. People can read other’s intent from their body language and tone. Words are empty if honesty and passion are not there. I have to give a brief announcement at church on Sunday. this chapter will be very helpful. thanks for great info. I even took 3 pages of notes.
John, another great chapter from a book I am excited to read. As a relatively new supervisor I have been reading many of your books and recommending them to my colleagues. I currently work at a Provincial Police Academy in Canada where our unit of full time use of force trainers are experiencing stress over many issues. Being a middle manager I find myself having to connect with the people I supervise and also senior management.
I find my ability to connect is directly related to my effectiveness in leading my unit. It certainly is a challenge at times.
I can equate making the connection in our use of force training especially when an officer has been involved in a violent confrontation and must then explain their actions to people who were not there but are acting as armchair quarterbacks. Don’t just give them the facts, but include your emotion and perceptions, make them fell what you felt.
Thanks John I look forward to the other chapters.
Steve Hiscoe
IT’S JUST THAT CERTAIN SOMETHING THAT MAKES US TAKE NOTICE, ISN’T IT? SOME PEOPLE NATURALLY HAVE ALL OF THESE SKILLS ,TRAITS, AND ABILITIES, WHILE MOST MUST DEVELOP THEM. WITH THIS CHAPTER, YOU HAVE PROVIDED A ROAD MAP TO UNDERSTANDING HOW TO BE HEARD, SOMETIMES, BEFORE WE SAY A WORD. I THINK THAT’S HALF THE BATTLE IN CONNECTING ON ANY LEVEL.
In this chapter, like Chapter 1, you spoke about yourself a lot. However, somehow the tone was different. This is part of exactly what this chapter is speaking about. This chapter did not come across as being arrogant or self-absorbed. Perhaps it’s the examples of ways you’ve had to improve.
I can see in this chapter some things I need to personally change in my life. This is why I read and own many of your books. You speak about weaknesses, but you also tell how to overcome them and practical things to do. Exactly again what you are speaking about in this chapter. I appreciate your knowledge and your ability to share it in a practical step-by-step way of things to do.
I’m enjoying reading your book in progress.
Thanks for sharing!
Polly Scott
Dear John,
All I’ve read thus far has been awesome. It is practical and makes so much sense. Chapter 3 is one that I definitely want to be able to remember in the future and incorporate into my personal life. I personally do not enjoy public speaking but what you discuss applies to all aspects of life, regardless is we speak publicly or not. We must be able to connect visually, intellectually, emotionally, and verbally.
To be honest, when I have presented in the past, I have struggled with all of the above. It’s so true that we must be able to express ourselves and be confident! I’ve found it difficult sometimes to explain a subject that I wasn’t too familiar with or something that I had not experienced. Because I was not intellectually connecting, I did not relay the message across like I would have wanted and this affected the emotional connection too.
The one statement that caught my attention is the one under Connecting Emotionally: “People may hear your words, but they feel your attitude.” I think this is such a powerful statement (it has stuck with me) and perhaps rewording it may help it come across as more effective. I was thinking something like “Even though people may hear your words, in essence they feel your attitude.”
The other observation I had was on Connecting Verbally. This section seems very short and I was curious if you deliberately made this shorter than the other 3 sections? I wonder if it would help to add a little more information for us (the beginners) as to how words affect our connections. Is there such thing as using the wrong words? Should we be aware of this? Should we keep our words simple? Does it even matter?
Overall, I think you are doing a phenomenal job! This just keeps getting better as we move into other chapters. I have learned some great concepts and cannot wait to read more! Thanks for sharing! I feel privileged to be learning so much from you!
Hi John,
Many thanks for the opportunity to participate the whole new interactive experience. I like what you have put together, and I believe this would help the readers when they communicate and, most importantly, connect with others.
There is one paragraph though I could not follow too much:
“I was able to keep my commitment, and during the process I made an astounding discovery. By using the stool, I had more energy than usual—even with an injured back. And I also felt more connected with the audience. After analyzing the situation, I came to realize that while sitting, I was more conversational in my communication. That helped me to connect and made me much more effective.”
I was amazed that you kept your commitment to speak while you were injured, but how come sitting made you more conversational and more connected to the audience. Maybe you wish to elaborate a bit more.
Bless,
Charles
I thoroughly enjoyed reading this chapter. I find it very easy to connect with most people when I am doing my job (real estate) and your writing helped me understand why. I am very passionate about helping people, but also have the skills/knowledge to be able to help them. I also use a lot of gestures, eye contact, etc to connect with people during my presentations. This chapter was encouraging to me yet at the sime time re-emphasized the habits that I need to maintain in order to continue connecting with my clients and peers.
Some questions that this chapter made me ask are as follows: What do you do in a situation where you feel nervous or out of your element? Wouldn’t you end up making a bad impression (first 7 seconds) even if you have the knowledge that people need and are genuine, etc? How do you recommend overcoming that barrier to become comfortable enough where you are connecting with people easily once again?
I thoroughly enjoyed reading this chapter. I find it very easy to connect with most people when I am doing my job (real estate) and your writing helped me understand why. I am very passionate about helping people, but also have the skills/knowledge to be able to help them. I also use a lot of gestures, eye contact, etc to connect with people during my presentations. This chapter was encouraging to me yet at the sime time re-emphasized the habits that I need to maintain in order to continue connecting with my clients and peers.
Some questions that this chapter made me ask are as follows: What do you do in a situation where you feel nervous or out of your element? Wouldn’t you end up making a bad impression (first 7 seconds) even if you have the knowledge that people need and are genuine, etc? How do you recommend overcoming that barrier to become comfortable enough where you are connecting with people easily once again?
Hi John,
During 2009, we went on a drive in our church to get youth in our City saved. In one year we had close to 900 people saved in our church, and yet a very small percentage of those people have made a commitment to change their lives and or even attend serivces on Sunday. One of the things we believe God has placed in our hearts is that people will make your church their home when they feel a connection, not get a communication. When you put out your hand, show genuine care, and make a concerted effort over a period of time to draw them into your circle, their lives are changes, not by an event, but by a genuine connection.
Great book concept – something that is long overdue.
Darret King
Pretoria
South Africa
Dear John,
Thank you for Chapter 3. As I was reading it, I was evaluating how I connect when I teach our kids at church. I was glad that over the years of teaching children I have used the same guidelines that you presented. I find that knowing the material really well helps me to concentrate on eye contact, facial expression & even my tone of voice. And it has worked over the years – I’m always amazed when I’m teaching to see the kids sitting at the edge of their seats and really listening.
Thanks for all the teaching you do at World Wide events & for your books! They are awesome!
Donna Reavis
Credibility is a leader’s currency and their is a lot of credibility here. Connecting is the ability to identify with people and relate to them in such a way that it increases our influence with them. A joyful heart is a normal result of a heart burning with love. Have a great day.
John,
Under your comments about first impressions and Ailes’ quote about the first 7 seconds, you could point to how dress impacts that in a professional setting. I was recently asked the question, why is preachers today wear jeans and t-shirts and the late night comedians come out in suits and ties? It is an interesting development. You could tie that in to how dress impacts how people percieve you. Leno would be a great example since you already used him once in teh chapter.
Also, under the section about keeping an open posture, again the sitaution with most larger churches abandoning the use of a pulpit in favor of a table or a music stand, shows how those communicators are working to be more “open” to thier audience.
Just a couple thoughts.
Thanks
Joe
John,
Thank you for all that you do. Connecting visually is powerful! While it speaks to what others see in us, how we connect when we really see others speaks volumes about our deepest desire to help them.
We are all familiar with the Yiddish Proverb, or some variation, “The eyes are the mirror of the soul.” Do you see me? That question raises my consciousness as I engage with others. We are a society on the run with so much that we are doing, often moving among one another without actually seeing the human that lives inside of the physical being.
I recently attended a business development conference with several thousand women. As one of the world-renowned speakers greeted participants in a receiving line, she glanced up as she signed an attendee’s book and, for a brief moment, we connected — we actually saw each other. When I finally met her in the line an hour later she said, “I saw you earlier.” She did not just glance in my direction when we first connected nor did her gaze drift as we talked briefly. She was right there with me as if only the two of us were in the room. What it said to me was, “I see you beyond the surface. You matter.”
As I encounter others, more consciously some days than others, I ask myself, “Are you simply looking or do you really see them?” With awareness and genuine desire, I can recalibrate those connections in ways that are impactful to others.
John,
Been enjoying you for many years. I think this book is going to be a useful one.
Just one concern in this chapter. I have heard the story of the reciting of Psalm 23 in many different places, with it attributed to different actors and in different circumstances. I was wondering if you have an accurate source for this or has it like many “good” stories taken on a life of its own?
Great chapter Mr. Maxwell! It provides clear steps to follow to ensure a focus on non-verbal communication as well as the need to focus outwards on the audience to add value.
In the Section Titled, “Pay attention to your surroundings”, you wrote: “Many of my connecting skills are responsive to others. When I see my audience well, I can sense what I need to do in order to enhance their response.”
If you can expand on how to “adjust” to the reactions of your audience, how to “react” to their non-verbal feedback as one communicates to them, I believe it would add great value to this section. Not only must we, as the speaker, be aware of our non-verbal communication but we also need to constantly note and adjust to the non-verbal feedback our audience gives us as we are speaking.
In the next section you state titled “2. What People Understand: Connecting Intellectually”, you wrote: “It took me eight years to “find myself” as a speaker. And here’s great news: when you find yourself, you find your audience.”
If you can expand on your growth as a speaker, what steps you took to really find your most effective speaking style, that would be helpful. I understand you started behind a podium and then realized it served as a barrier to your audience. I think most people rely on that podium when speaking to bear down and hold on for dear life! So your experiences transitioning from that to being more open would be great.
Thanks and another great chapter!
Mauro
Always appreciate your personal experiences and liked how you added other perspectives to ground your own.
Look forward to reading ch. 4!
This coming Sunday evening will be a new year for a flood of international students in our ministry. What excites me is what I’m finding myself doing this year: being a key speaker and vision caster. It is quite exciting/scary to do something new before I speak. I will be dancing an art form blend that is never done before and invented by the quiet morning along enjoying the song Made Me Glad by Hillsongs.
It will be totally me up there and share that they can be home here even through they are far away from their home country. I’m hoping they can share their art, videos of their country, and group games. It is gonna be a blast!
Thank you for sharing those four points: visual, intellectual, emotional, and verbal! I’m ready!
Wow, your connection checklist really resonates with me. The idea of making connections on the intellectual, the emotional, and the volitional levels is very much like teachers teaching to the learning styles of their students (visual, auditory & kinesthetic). Teachers who teach in only one teaching style may miss 2/3 of their class because they are essentially speaking a language that their students cannot decipher.
One of the “handicaps” of those of us in the 9-1-1 profession is that we can only communicate with our callers in the verbal realm. We can hear the pace of speech, background noise, tone, etc, but we learn through experience how to “hear” more than just the words being spoken by the callers and make a “connection” with the caller in spike of not having all of the non-verbal clues at our disposal.
As for making a connection intellectually and emotionally, as a member of a regional Critical Stress Management Team, we have found that those we minister to will respond much better to a “peer” debriefer if they are in the room than with just a mental health professional alone. This is because the peers are those that can make the connection as those that have also “been there, done that.” That is one of the jewels of the program as far as I am concerned. After initial contact with a peer, they can be steered towards a mental health professional, if needed, and that is what I think is one of the reasons why the program is as successful as it is.
Great chapter and I will am looking forward to the next chapter.
In Him,
Hershel
Great chapter! And thanks for always putting yourself in your books by telling parts of your life’s journey…you prove every time that communication is more then just words!
One of the things that frustrated me as a young person was looking at my youth pastors and thinking I could never go into the ministry, even though I knew God was calling me to do so, because I felt I couldn’t do what they did! There was a disconnect there, mainly due to words not matching the visual life journey that I was watching being lived out on and off the platform! The main message I was getting was “do as I say and not as I do” even though I can guarantee this was not the intended message they wanted to communicate. These were good men but didn’t understand the true complexity of communication.
Because of this experience I made a commitment, as I completed my Bible College training and went into ministry, that I would live my life in such a way so that others would look at me and say, “I can do what you do!” This chapter communicates the most effective way to achieve this goal by connecting with people with more then words, but on an emotional level and by modelling what we say we believe!
We live in a time and with a generation that doesn’t care how much you know until they know how much you care! I personally like what St. Francis of Assisi said, “Preach the Gospel at all times, and when necessary use words.”
Great chapter! Thanks for the invitation to read and respond…it’s been an honor!
Dwayne
Excellent reading and instruction. I am looking forward to the next chapter.
To effectively connect, I believe that leadership must be visible. Leaders’ doings (actions) indicating, as a beacon, the path to the ultimate destination.
Nice chapter.
I really enjoyed chapter 2. Talking about the talker centering on himself. Please add another chapter giving more advice on switching the focus of the speech from the speaker to the listener. One chapter isn’t enough!
Hello sir,
I thank God for the way he is using you to touch and mentor the lives of people.
Since i come from an editorial background, i really get into the skin of things to ensure that the text is perfect in all ways..
One important thing is that the way we speak and the way we write are two different aspects altogether and keeping this in mind, i have edited just first few paras of your text.. it is as follows (my suggestions/corrections are mentioned in capital letters)…
====start=====
People watch a reality show on television where two equally talented people sing the same song. One of them gives the audience goose bumps; the other one leaves everybody cold. Why is that?
Two professors IN a university teach the same class, (COMMA) at the same time, (COMMA) using the same prescribed syllabus (‘AND REQUIRED TEXTBOOK’ WORDS CAN BE DELETED CAUSE IT IS REDUNDANT, SINCE PRESCRIBED SYLLABUS ITSELF IS SELF-EXPLANATORY). Students stand in line (QUEUE is a better word) FOR registration to get into the first teacher’s (PROFESSOR’s—IF PROFESSOR WORD IS USED HERE INSTEAD OF TEACHER, IT WILL SHOW UNIFORMITY SINCE IT IS USED EARLIER) class, while the other’s class starts below capacity and dwindles to just a few students. Why?
Two managers work together running a restaurant (BETTER SENTENCE IS: TWO MANAGERS PARTNER TO RUN A RESTAURANT HAVING 20 EMPLOYEES). All twenty employees work regularly for each of them (THIS SENTENCE CAN BE DELETED). AT TIMES, when the first manager needs extra help and asks people to work late, they do so willingly. WHEREAS, when the other manager makes the same appeal FOR the next week, all the employees make excuses EXPLAINING why they can’t stay. What’s the reason for the difference?
Two parents raise a child together in the same household, enforcing the same rules. One parent gets cheerful compliance and the other gets resistance. Why?
Shouldn’t the words of the song evoke the same response in both singers? Shouldn’t the same course be equally appealing to students? Shouldn’t both managers expect to be given the same consideration? Shouldn’t parents in the same household inspire the same reaction?
Intuitively, you probably know that the answer is no. BUT WHAT IS THE REASON? This is because people respond to EACH OTHER not merely ON THE BASIS OF SPOKEN WORDS, BUT ALSO ON THE BASIS OF THE ‘CONNECT’ THAT THEY EXPERIENCE BETWEEN EACH OTHER.
Your Actions Speak So Loudly, I Can’t Hear Your Words
WHEN PEOPLE try to communicate with others, they believe THAT THE message is all that matters. But the reality is that communication goes way MUCH beyond words. In an important study, UCLA psychology professor emeritus Albert Mehrabian discovered that face-to-face communication can be broken down into three components: words, tone of voice, and body language. A SURPRISING REVELATION IS THAT WHILE TRYING TO COMMUNICATE, MORE OFTEN THAN NOT, what people see us do and the tone we use can far outweigh any words we say. In situations where feelings and attitudes are being communicated:
• What we say accounts for only 7 percent of what is believed.
• The way we say it accounts for 38 percent.
• What others see accounts for 55 percent.[i]
Amazingly, more than 90 percent of the impression we often convey has nothing to do with what we actually say. So if you believe communication is all about words, you’re totally missing the boat and you will always have a hard time connecting with others.
While the results of that study may reveal the limitations of words when trying to communicate, it doesn’t do anything to help us figure out how TO COMMUNICATE BETTER with others. So what’s the solution? Howard Hendricks, who has been a long-distance mentor to me for many years, says that all communication has three essential components: the intellectual, the emotional, and the volitional. In other words, when we try to communicate, we must include:
Thought: Something we know,
Emotion: Something we feel, and
Action: Something we do.
I believe those three components are essential to connect with others as well. Fail to include any one of the three, and there will be a disconnection from people and a breakdown in communication. More specifically, here’s how I think the breakdown would occur. If I try to communicate . . .
• Something I know but do not feel, my communication is dispassionate.
• Something I know but do not do, my communication is theoretical.
• Something I feel but do not know, my communication is unfounded.
• Something I feel but do not do, my communication is hypocritical.
• Something I do but do not know, my communication is presumptuous.
• Something I do but do not feel, my communication is mechanical.
When ANY OF THE ABOVE COMPONENTS IS missing, the result for me as a communicator is exhaustion. However, when I include all three components—thought, emotion, and action—my communication has conviction, passion, and credibility. And the result is connection.
====ends============
This is an awesome chapter. I would buy this book for this chapter alone.
First of all, what I really like and appreciate is how this message of ‘connection’ truly applies to persons in nearly any kind of business or profession. Working as a sports information director, it’s important for me to have my staff and the volunteers who assist me to be on board with what we are trying to do, trying to promote. And it’s also important to believe in the school/athletic programs we represent. Otherwise, our message will ring flat with our readers.
The leader of any group or organization must first believe in the vision AND be able to communicate it effectively to his/her subordinates. And it’s vital for everyone to ‘catch’ on to the same vision for the organization to achieve maximum reward/success.
I say all that because you have written and communicated this principle in the simplest and easy-to-understand form. All who lead – whether in business, church or even in a home – will greatly benefit from this book and this chapter in particular.
John…
I’m not sure if this fits here or somewhere else in the book, and I just found the interactive writing blog, so I hope I haven’t missed this already.
What about something on conveyance? I think this would go under what people understand, but I think it’s important enough to be included as a fourth element along with thought, emotion, and action. “Communication is not what we say, it’s what others hear”. Conveyance is intangible, but without it there is no communication, or at best poor communication. In a blog I wrote a while back, I used the example of the word church. Although I use that word, it means so many things to so many people. Another example would be the word love.
Here’s a quote from that article and a link. I was specifically sharing personal frustrations, but the quote is a little nugget on communication
“Actually, no word is just a word! Words lend themselves to communication. Communication is not only words. As a matter of fact, words are probably the least important element of communication. Communication is not what I say (words), but how others hear it (understanding). This includes other elements, such as body language, past experiences, assigned meaning, etc…”‘
http://convergeauburn.org/heartalive/?p=6
For Point #2:
A shortcut to finding yourself as a communicator is deciding to just be yourself. People everywhere want to feel accepted and know that they belong, and when you present yourself as perfect, or purely intellectual, the people you desire to connect with just won’t relate. The quickest way to the heart of your audience is to share an authentic story about something that you experienced that also taught you a lesson. This opens up the airways of communication, pulls back the veil of “perfection” and allows your audience to see that you too, are human. An authentic communicator expresses themselves freely and sets off a “chain reaction” of expressive freedom in their audience. When you make the decision to be yourself, so will others, and an authentic connection can then be established.
I unfortunately learned this the hard way! It was my senior year in college and I was charged with leading 77 of my sorority sisters as the president of our organization. I was authentically myself throughout the election, but once I obtained the position, I thought I needed to be someone else – the perfect president. I failed at this position for many months, lost some friends in the process, and my vice-president stopped speaking to me! It wasn’t until a frank conversation with my advisor that I realized that I was being someone other than myself. There was no need to impress my organization, they elected me for me. Learning to embrace myself and willingly reveal who I am was one of the greatest lessons I have learned.
Chapter Three is very intriguing – and what you say about the 7, 38 and 55% in regards to what people see and the tone of the speaker is so true.
The ’55% Rule’ really plays into the surroundings as well. People’s personalities play such a huge portion in communication. There are so many ‘hidden factors’ in the audience that the speaker cannot see but should try to be aware of. People come full of their own thoughts, full of their own emotions and wanting to do something, including the speaker/writer.
Taking time to check in on ones self, whether speaker or audience is a good thing.
A person can gain more out of meetings and workshops when they check themselves out before walking in the door. Kind of like hanging up your coat before you walk in, but it’s more a matter of leaving the baggage out of the meeting or workshop. This way you are more open to the surroundings and open to hear what others are trying to communicate.
This is all easier said than done but it’s good to keep trying.
I set out this morning to read the third chapter and to offer a meaningful, if not dazzling, comment. Instead, I encountered many new concepts that have left me in a state of thoughtful self-assessment.
This material has defined for me some very concise goals in some areas that I am admittedly weak. For this reason, I think it best that I follow the guidance of Proverbs 17:28 when it comes to commentary on the content.
I will mention one minor item that, as something of a Web geek, I stumbled upon. You stated:
“Add to that the popularity of YouTube, Facebook, Vimeo, PowerPoint, movies, and other media, and you can certainly understand the importance of what can be seen in our culture.”
I was tripped up by the inclusion of PowerPoint alongside YouTube, Facebook, and Vimeo. Since the latter are social media services and PowerPoint is simply a piece of software for creating presentations, it seems like it doesn’t fit.
Thank you for a wonderful chapter and for shining the light on some areas in my interaction with others that need improvement!
When you insist on mimicking others, you have just replaced yourself. People need your influence, but it will not come through ‘lip sinking’ those you admire. When you focus on impressing others with ‘lip sinking’ your heroes, by default, you lose the impression you thought was so powerful because it is being repeated through your life which is not built up of the same experiences as the original speaker. If people want to hear a parrot, they will go to the pet store… don’t give them a repeat, give them the most powerful and influential thing you can – YOU! Regardless of the fancy wording and seemingly impressive delivery, it is broken down when it moves through a false conduit. True connection comes when people can feel the eb and flow of life as it moves through you to them. Presidents that speak from the heart, as in Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address and comedians who step into the middle of our lives with laughter off the cuff, make impressions that influence us for years to come. Next to influence, connectivity to your people is the greatest thing you have as a leader. Without the prongs on the end of an extension chord your ability to move influence from one place to the other is impossible. You can replace those prongs with alternative materials but the exchange of current will always be effected.
Once as a minister I heard a message that was so powerful to me. It was my belief that everyone in our organization needed to hear this message. I listened to that CD and typed that message out word for word. I was anxious about preaching it. I was on edge. When the time came I delivered it just the way I had heard it. Unfortunately, my passion was for the message, one that did not come through my very life. I was more focused on the people hearing it than I was the message. Needless to say, I looked like a big greed and blue parrot squawking repeats of what had impacted me. It had very little effect on those I was endeavoring to minister to. I think this is the difference between a sermon and a message. A sermon can be a conglomeration of stuff that I can get to people in hopes of helping them, but a message is born in the manger of my own heart, empassioned by my life experience and heartbeat, and is more about transformation than information.
After the message I preached a man came up to me and said, “I heard that same message from another guy.” That was saddening. When he heard the message for the first time it was outstanding. After I repeated it word for word, in the eyes of this parishioner the original speaker had become just “another guy”.
You can never minimize the need to be yourself. Your greatest opportunity for influence and connection is YOU.
John,
This was an incredible chapter and source of information for communication and connection. The examples illustrated these principles made a tremendous impression on me. However, I saw how these same principles relate to small group or one-on-one circumstances as well as large audiences. As someone in the healthcare field who gives advice to patients regularly, I can see individuals in many fields who may also like to see examples illustrating these points in smaller settings that are critical to their careers or personal lives. Thanks for the incredible advice.
I love this Chapter as well as Chapter 1 and 2. So far, I can tell you that you have achieved your goal of connecting with people. Going through your Chapters it feels like you are addressing to me personally … I can related myself with so many examples you have used. Thanks for coming up with the answer I’ve always asked myself “why some people have charisma and others don’t?”
I am currently blessed to be a part of the field hockey coaching staff in our local public Middle School and High School for my 5th season. As I was reading this I found myself almost nodding in agreement with so much of Chapter 3.
When working with a group of 30+ teenage girls coming from all types of backgrounds…some who step on to the field and do not even really like each other or talk to each other in school, there are many challenges and obstacles in getting them to see each other as a family and play as a team. One of my personal goals as a coach is to get them coming together and playing as one team and not one individual that happens to be a part of a team.
I have used this coaching platform often to not only educate and teach them how to play field hockey, but I embrace the opportunity I have been given to instill strong values and teach them life lessons. I may not be able to openly share my faith in this public school setting, but I can teach them alot about effective communication and caring for each other inspite of their differences. One of the key things I focus on each year has been positive communication. I often give them an example of if I say a phrase this way, with this expression, using this tone and these gestures how do you feel…then I say the same thing with a different tone, different expression and different gestures and ask now how do you feel? Something so simple and small as that example I use often teaches them so much about effectively communicating with their teammates. It is amazing how they have not grasp this concept much at all even by High School. They quickly learn to realize that in order to give constructive advice to one another and have that teammate actually listen and apply it on the field, they need build up a respect between themselves and that teammate, and they accomplish this by HOW they say things. Do they all embrace this lesson each season? I would love to say “yes”, but that would not be the truth. However, most of them have choose to apply it and are realizing how important it is to pay attention to how you say something even more so than what you are saying.
Thanks for allowing me to share my experience in applying “How” we say things makes a BIG difference in how people respond.
Blessings to you as you complete your book!
Dear John,
Thank you for an interesting read! Glad to see the good old fashion traits. I agree whole heartedly.
During my Lifecoaching business I have come across many snearios-One example-
Permissive parenting is based on the parent’s fear of losing the child’s love. Connection parenting is based on love instead of fear. “I just want to do right by my kid.”.Whatever, it takes!
Parental communication is vital; it is the key to a successful childcare arrangement. Parental communication is not limited to the spoken word; rather parents communicate by varying their tone, pitch, volume, and body language. Parental communication is the key.
Good Luck John
ps-my website is now underconstruction and will be up and running from next week.
Hi John,
Thank you for listening to God and pursuing your gifts with obedience. You make a difference.
Putting others first takes courage and the willingness to step out of your comfort zone. It is much easier to focus on ‘my’ needs or ‘my’ wants, or ‘my’ lack of something such as energy or resources. When we take the time to connect with others, even in a small way, like eye contact or a smile, it changes their day. If we can influence their moment, then maybe they can impact the next person in a larger way. This kind of connection can become a sense of joy and gratitude that continues to be contagious.
I continue to pray for you and your family in this transition time. Thanks for all you do.
Blessings
I think you missed one VERY important point on “1. What People See-Connecting Visually”. You mentioned how people are watching more and more TV which is true, but there is something that has spiked more than that in children and adults. Video Games. According to http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2007/07/070702161141.htm between the ages of 10-19 the average boy will spend 8 hours a week playing video games. According to http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/32463904/ns/technology_and_science-games/ the average gamer is 35 years old!!! Now this tells me that parents are keeping their children’s gaming in check until the children get out on their own then all is let loose. I am sure most of you have heard about the game World of Warcraft, an online game that boast over 9 million players. According to http://electronics.howstuffworks.com/world-of-warcraft1.htm the avarage of all players is 21-22 hours per week!!! and “spikes” up once they hit a higher level (most people that get to the higher level have to play more to get there, basically it takes out the “casual” weekend warriors as they call them). As an EX-World of Warcraft player, I know many who play well over 40 hours a week and some as many as 60-80! Just something to think about.
Hi John,
I love this chapter I have always believed that communication is the key to everything we do in life. It can make or break relationships, it can make or break deals, it can make or break the way people have an opinion of you or the deal at hand. It is the right sequence of words back by the tone and emotions of the body language that lead the direction of people’s feelings.
As a young man I was once told that a picture is worth a 1000 words. I never really understood it until I was older, that communication can be done with out even saying a word. You can either captivate or eliminate through communication of the body or feelings some one shows. In a picture there are no words but we as humans automatically create the words based on what we see, now you ad the “Tone” and “Words” to make up the recipe for communication . Having the right ingredients at that point of communication may come across great as a well baked cake or terrible as eating dirt, gritty and nasty. The subconscious mind will decipher so that we can make decisions. What is amazing is how the body or tone says one thing while the words someone may say is another. We as humans can sense it.
The principles you have put in this chapter are some great fundamental applications that can help people start the communication from the body language to the tone and the words they choose.
Thanks again
MikeDriggers.com
I was like both of those managers you have mentioned above in the beginning, at different times. I was a manager for Starbucks for a few years and I came into so many of these similar situations. One of my employees started declining in his performance and ended up consistently giving 60% while on the job. I used to get so frustrated and continually try to make him understand the importance and affects of his behavior. Nothing was working or changing things and I was leaving work exhausted and frustrated. Other people’s performance was dropping as well.
Finally, I tried a different approach. I ended up sitting him down and having a heart to heart with him to find out what was really going on. This lack of commitment was going on throughout his whole life, not just at work. I encouraged him to live his dreams and not hold back. Instead of going up against him and head to head, I sat down beside him and tried to understand his situation more clearly. Attempting to adapt the Situational Leadership model with one of my employees actually worked. The result was a few solid months of him working 110% and then him quitting to move to another country to pursue his dream. I was incredibly happy not only that he worked to his full potential those final months, but that he finally took a risk and pursued his dream.
I just love your lines “You need to be more than just a messenger. You must be the message you want to deliver. Otherwise, you won’t have credibility and you won’t connect…Nothing can happen through you until it happens to you… For a book to connect with readers, it must be more than just a book. It must possess a part of the author.” This is so true and I am living proof! Except in my case, it doesn’t just posses part of the author, I have given it everything I have, everything I am. I have been working on a story that has been in my heart since 2003. I actually felt so strongly about it that I printed 2,000 copies of the short narrative to hand out for free at a big rally in San Francisco that same year. The story is all about inspiring people to live their dreams, to not settle for the good but to go for the best, to not settle for silver when they’re meant for gold, hence the title Silver to Gold.
After working on this book on and off over the past few years, I came to the point in my life where I was in a career I really liked but I knew I needed to be doing something else. I was also dating a great guy but knew that he wasn’t the right match for me. I also had this growing desire inside of me to go to England to pursue a PhD so I could teach one day. Money always held me back after finally paying off my first school loans. Finally, by 2007, it struck me that if I am writing a story all about living one’s dreams, that if the story is to have any integrity, any truth, and credibility, then I must take risks and step out to live my own dreams. If I don’t do take those risks, step out into the abyss of uncertainty to stay true to the dream within my own heart, who will believe the story that I am writing?
When I was hit with that truth, I decided to quick my job, sell my car, leave my comfortable life in Southern California to embark on an unknown but destined adventure to England to follow my dream. And seven years later, yes seven, I am finally in the process of publishing this story, this message in my heart, and because the story has not just been formed by me, but also been formed in me, I believe that it will connect deeply with others. If you want to learn even more about the my whole process you can check out my website at http://www.silvertogold.com/ to get the full story. So, I definitely have found what you have written in those lines to be true with my life and as a strong principle others can follow as well. Great stuff!
I really appreciate you. I have read many of your books and had the privilege of attending some of your conferences, and you made the connection with me on twitter by following me first, which I thought was out of sight, and now to be able to comment on this wonderful chapter in your up coming book is awesome. This chapter had me pondering on my thoughts,emotions and actions and how they are express in my everyday life. In reading this chapter I felt as if you were sitting right here in my office chair side:) can’t wait to get the book.
Love this chapter…like the connection checklist.
One of my challenges used to be that I would get distracted by things around me. My eyes would wander from the person speaking to me because I didn’t want to miss anything around me. I’ve since learned to stay focused on them, regardless of who’s around.
Thank you John. This will be another great informative book.
Thank you for this amazing chapter
for the last few months i was thinking about writing a book but i couldn’t find a way to connect with my readers untill now, when you talked about your books and how you put your heart and soul in each book you write i found my answer and now i know what i have to do. Thanks again
Herez more of my editing. My edited work/ suggestions are in CAPITAL LETTERS……
The Characteristics of Connection
Any message you try to convey must contain a piece of you. YOU CAN’T JUST DELIVER WORDS OR CONVEY INFORMATION, you need to be more than just a messenger. IN FACT, you must be the message you want to deliver, ELSE YOU WILL LOSE YOUR CREDIBILITY and you WILL FAIL TO connect.
• Developing the Leader within You possesses conviction because I have developed myself to become a leader.
• In Failing Forward, I share proven ways THROUGH WHICH I used to overcome my own failures.
• When I wrote Winning with People, I wanted the book to IMPACT others the SAME way Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People had impacted me as a teenager.
I work to make EACH of my books more than just a book, more than just paper and ink or an electronic file to be offered in the marketplace. EVERY BOOK OF MINE comes from my heart and soul. I believe in it and genuinely hope it will help whoever reads it.
If I can honestly answer yes to THESE questions, I feel certain that my connection with the audience was good and I was able to reward them for the time they’ve SPENT ON me.
If you ARE INTO professional speaking, you may want to use a similar list to ensure that you are doing everything you can to connect WITH YOUR AUDIENCE. However, even if you don’t speak professionally, there is still a principle that applies. When you take responsibility for connecting with others and your attitude is to serve people, your chances of connecting with others increase dramatically. Your attitude often speaks more LOUDER than your words.
Add to that the popularity of YouTube, Facebook, Vimeo, Movies, and other FORMS OF media, and you can certainly understand the importance of what can be seen in our culture.
When my wife and I see our grandchildren, we go out of our way to show them how happy we are to see them. When they arrive at our house, we stop whatever we’re doing to let them know how we are delighted we are to be with them, not only in word but with smiles, hugs, and kisses. We want them to feel loved, accepted, and special every time THEY ARE WITH US.
No matter who you are or WITH whom you are trying to communicate, you can improve your ability by smiling at people and being expressive. Even if you work in a tough environment or a staid corporate culture, you don’t have to maintain a grim visage at all times.
There’s no substitute for personal experience when we want to connect with people’s hearts. If you know something without having lived it, your audience experiences a credibility gap. OH THE OTHER HAND if you’ve done something but don’t know it well enough to explain it, the audience experiences frustration. You have to bring both together to connect consistently.
Sir, I really appreciate the innovative way in which you have thrown open the doors for interaction and connection for your forthcoming book. Am sure, it has set a precedent for other to follow.
A suggestion- since you are involving the audience for the content, and you have received a phenomenal response, why not open the floors for designing of the coverpage of your book as well?
A recent case -Rick Warren through 99designs invited designers to design the coverpage of his latest book “The Hope you Need” and the result was amazing. It created a lot of buzz- Around 3000+ entries were received and Rick and his publisher Zondervan are having a hard time to select the best design…check this link out:
http://99designs.com/contests/28531
Thank you John, for charing your book before printing it. I just read chapter 3 and as always, what you write is so inspiring and thoughtful. I really appreciate your charing all ideas and giving us great possibilities to learch and to change and become better persons and leaders. Thank you and have a wonderful day!
you have impacted me with this chapter. i’m grateful to God for your life and His inspiration. more power sir.
John,
John, love this chapter. Here are my only concerns and where I think you should get more up to date data.
■77 percent of all Americans get about 90 percent of their news from television.
I don’t think this number is real today in 2009??
■47 percent get all their news from television.
This number either.
■Major U.S. corporations have their own television studios.
I think this trend is changing because TV is less popular because of the internet.
■Video and web conferencing are replacing on-site face-to-face sales meetings.
YES! This is where it is going. You should look into HD Voice and see what impact this will have on connecting and communication in the future.
■Digital video recording systems are becoming commonplace in homes and offices.
Old news, people are hooking up their PC’s to their TV’s and using iTunes and Netflix.
■Children now log about twenty-two thousand hours watching television by age nineteen, more than twice the time spent in school.
Kids send 20,000 text messages a month and TV is way less entertaining than it used to be.
This section in your chapter is one that I think needs to be looked at more closely and needs more up to date data and examples.
Thanks!
John-
Thank you so much for the insight! The first 3 chapters have already helped me change the way I try and connect with others. This is the book i have been waiting for.
-George
Lodi, CA
PLEASE READ THIS:
Dear Dr. John, I think you should read (or have you?) a book by Howard G. Hendricks, “Say It With Love” or in Indonesian language is ‘Beritakan Injil dengan Cinta’.
I just found and read it, and I think that book will give some contributions for your book.
PLEASE READ THIS:
I’m sorry, it was ‘Beritakan Injil dengan Kasih’. Thank you.
This is a powerful message. In the education programs I work with, we often see keen examples of this. One instructor will connect better with the students than another. The outcome? Those students tend to excel in the program. Unless there is a connection, it simply doens’t work. With our online students, the challenge becomes different, but not impossible. Using the technology available, there is still an opportunity to connect. I am often reminded when I speak or write of the phrase “people don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.”
PLEASE,
Use not cliche words, or sentences, or stories…
Please use or create the new ones…
And please, write from your heart. Everyone ‘can’ write. But, not everyone really connects.
Thank you, Dr. John, for contributing this book.
Write to the ears, even to the heart, and soul. Write as (not like) you talk. ‘Verbum ruat, scriptura manet’.
Mr. Maxwell,
I’m thankful that you are using tools like this to get such a pertinent message out to so many people. It serves my appetite right for not having to wait until the book is published to read…so thanks! (By the way your Twitter updates alone could be a book by themselves… just a thought!)
The first thing that really stood out to me was the break down of not being balances in communicating THOUGHT, EMOTION, and ACTION. That’s a big deal. I never want “something that I feel but don’t do be communicated as hypocritical” or any of the others for that matter!
When you talked about connecting visually, I loved the illustrations and examples used for public speaking. I’ve considered myself confident in certain areas but appreciate the ways in which I can grow. Thanks!
More importantly, I majority of emphasis was really about my daughter. If she remembers more that 5x what she sees than hears, I want to live before the person I desire her to be. Hugs and kisses, prayer, integrity, modesty, servanthood— wow…. I have a new desire to show her more than I could ever tell her. Thanks for that!
Mel Ray
Dear John,
I have to say that chapter three is amazing. I love the fact that not only do you point out that verbal communication is important but you also give specifics that can help us in that area.
I forgot to mention something that happened to at school. As part of our grade (for an audit class) we were to prepare a class presentationto prepare. I did a lot of research, by going to the library, talking to my professor etc. All to have the knowledge necessary to deliver a great presentation. However, during the presentation I chose to stand behind a podium the whole time. I did this because it made me feel more comfortable. However, doing this hurt my grade. My professor said that although the content was great, the fact that I stood behind a podium the whole time made it a poor presentation. Therefore I ended up getting a B instead of an A.
I learn about the proximity, lighting, and prescence when it comes to presenting. Vital points! Cant wait til the next chapter.
I just want to apoligize for the grammatical errors in my last comment. I copied and pasted several times and did not proof read before posting it.
This may likely be best book of all time.
I`ve read the first two chapters of this coming book and srongly believe it will transform lives and brings out the real leadership in them for Global change. This book is a must read for all african leaders if Africa must move from good to great. Our key purpose in life is to fulfill our assignment and our is to affect lives and to make things happen. This book will effect the changes we need to transforming the heart of our leaders in order to making our world to be a worthwhile arena. This book is created to waking up the africans (leaders) reminding us that we can really be the best if we can put on the armour of a good leader with perssion for the masses. I appreciate you.
I like this chapter.
Check the Quote by Henry Ward Beecher. I think the first “good” is superfluous.
The “Grandchildren ” story seems to have an extra “…we are…”.
“If you desire to connect, you cannot afford to ignore your environment, even if
you have been asked to speak professionally. That’s why I always try to see the
venue before I speak…”
May I suggest you delete the following “…any time I’m booked for a speaking
engagement.”
I really like the Charles Laughton story.
The point immediately following; “There’s no substitute…”; had great impact in
my view.
The “Edward H. Friedman” paragraph is great.
Baseball stories are surprisingly effective, especially as I haven’t a clue what
a .367 hitter is. I live in Australia and while basebal is played here somewhere,
I personally have never played, attended or seen a telecast of a baseball game.
The following passage could be worded better:
“Confidence like that—when invested in others—helps people to feel connected to
the person who giving it and it makes them confident in themselves.”
This is absolutely true! I teach in the public school system – the kids do not retain information unless they see a way to connect it to their own experience and lives. Getting them to take in new information is difficult. I can’t wait for this book to come out so I can read it in it’s entirety! Blessings to you for what you do!!!
A wise person once taught me to seize the second and run with it. There is such a differnce in the seconds that I have seized and ran with verses the ones I let slip away. Every section builds on the previous one yet at the same time refencing the core.