Connecting Goes Beyond Words
ByChapter 3 Synopsis
Connecting Goes Beyond Words
People watch a reality show on television where two equally talented people sing the same song. One of them gives the audience goose bumps; the other one leaves everybody cold. Why is that?
Two professors at a university teach the same class at the same time using the same prescribed syllabus and required textbook. Students stand in line at registration to get into the first teacher’s class, while the other’s class starts below capacity and dwindles to just a few students. Why?
Two managers work together running a restaurant. All twenty employees work regularly for each of them. When the first manager needs extra help and asks people to work late, they do so willingly. When the other manager makes the same appeal the next week, all the employees make excuses for why they can’t stay. What’s the reason for the difference?
Two parents raise a child together in the same household, enforcing the same rules. One parent gets cheerful compliance and the other gets resistance. Why?
Shouldn’t the words of the song evoke the same response in both singers? Shouldn’t the same course be equally appealing to students? Shouldn’t both managers expect to be given the same consideration? Shouldn’t parents in the same household inspire the same reaction?
Intuitively, you probably know that the answer is no.
Why? Because we tend to respond to – in other words, connect with – others based on more than the words that come out of their mouths.
How do we do that? Howard Hendricks says that all communication has three essential components. When we communicate, we must include:
- Thought – Something we know.
- Emotion – Something we feel.
- Action – Something we do.
Communication breaks down if any one of those is missing. But when I include all three, the message itself has conviction, passion, and credibility.
And the result is connection.
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Dear John,
You have mentioned as focusing on one’s strengths while communicating. And I am reading “Now,Discover your strengths ” by Marcus Buckingham currently. And as I read your chapter, I see how you have wonderfully put the components of strengths which are related to talents, skills and knowledge in such a “layman” language. How true ! I like the difference between charisma and personality. I also like the statement “be positive, believe in yourself and focus on others”. Adding value is so important in what I do in my profession, and this chapter throws so much light on it. I want to add what one of my mentors always mentions “Focus on adding value to yourself. That will empower you to add value to others. You cannot give to others what you do not have”. I remember that statement every day when I am speaking, conducting a meeting, talking with my spouse, chatting with my friends or even praying because when I have that attitude I am always learning and listening. It motivates me to be humble and teachable. And I think that advice has enabled me to grow as an individual over the past few years. And every day when I have to attend meetings and provide inputs, I remember the the following statement “Prior preparation provides a powerful performance”. I have stayed away from extemporaneously providing speeches or conducting conference calls since I have read that statement.
Thanks,
-Sumesh
This is a great chapter!
The thing that struck me too as I was reading, is that if you are the type of communicator/connector that is described here, the breadth of situations into which you are allowed to communicate widens.
To illustrate, as a pastor, I often have to communicate into situations I know nothing about. I have never lost a child, or gone through a divorce, or declared myself bankrupt; but I might be required to connect with, and communicate truth to people in any of these situations. I can not speak from experience here, but, because of building up a bank of warm, genuine connection, I am permitted grace by the listener. A bad communicator does not receive this grace, their input is often confined to an area of expertise only, and when they stray from this, people stop listening.
Being a good communicator/connector therefore means you open up greater possibilities for connection and communication.
Really enjoying reading this,
paul
John, Great read! Thanks for the reminders! I read some of it to my wife! This book is so good that, even though I’m reading it all online, I’ll still buy it!
Suggestions:
I believe that connecting emotionally is the most important of the 4 components of connection. I believe that you would agree with this and therefore perhaps it should be first.
I would suggest that you draw from some of the information about EQ (The Emotional Quotient) literature that shows studies that have proven that EQ is more important than IQ. And, EQ can be developed, which is a great encouragement to us all!
I’d suggest that somehow you add some language to bring this to more one-on-one applications of connecting. I really like the applications to speaking to audiences because I do public speaking so it helps me, yet I think most of your readers want to know how to connect one-on-one or in smaller groups.
You talk about communicating visually. I’d say, take some of your own advice (smile
and put some graphics to express the 3 components of communication: emotion, knowledge, and action. Perhaps a triangle would be appropriate. That would be helpful for visual learners. Also, a graphic for the “4 components of connection” would likewise be helpful.
Also, this sentence (which I love because I’ve learned that I need to apply this for my own children) needs some work: “When they arrive at our house, we stop whatever we’re doing to let them know how we are delighted we are to be with them, not only in word but with smiles, hugs, and kisses.” I’d suggest removing the “we are” before “delighted.”
looking forward to chapter four!
We are always communicating something.
Wonderful writing John! It has always been so easy to read your style, and to instantly learn and relate to your message.
It is so true that we all communicate, and even more through mobile devices and emails, but I think it is harder to truly connect because it is difficult for some people to show that they care. We connect through caring for others, whether it is just one-on-one or presenting in an arena to thousands.
Our ability to show others that we care is directly related to the strength of our connections. We can improve our connections by going beyond words as you wrote, and by improving our methods to show that we care about others.
When Louis Armstrong sang “I see friends shaking hands, saying ‘how do you do?’ They’re really saying ‘I love you!’” he was singing about connecting with others! That example can be lived out today by extending the short “Hi, how are you?” greeting as we walk on by, to stopping and taking time to listen and connect with people. That is our first step in showing people that we care about them, beyond the words that we speak.
I am so looking forward to the rest of this book!
Thank you,
Dan Holke
Wow…so intriguing. Excited about the whole picture. Totally believe in the power of communication. As a high school teacher, I often talk to my students about communication.
For example mom tells the teenager to clean their room, the teenager moves clothes out of the floor and into the closet and calls back to mom and says it is done. Mom comes back, sees the dresser piled up, checks under the bed, and opens the closet…then the teenager is grounded. I can so see how there is a disconnect with one another.
So look forward with sharing info within this book.
Hmm, yah, I am very happy to read this chapter here. I am reminded again again about action speaks louder than words. wow, you have given so much illustration about where you are standing and how do you connect to people from the stage or pulpit. once I learned these about trying to relate to people in my preaching about who they are and how can I lift up their lives by my preaching, I really started listening to their stories, of of people who are alike, so that in next sermon I can make some illustration from the stories that can relate to my audience, I started getting response for thanking to me because they were able to change even their important decision because the message was very much relevant to them and it really touched them enough to make them rethink on their decision and even change it some times.
I truly believe what you have wrote here, that people remember about what we make them feel the most.
thank you for being so open and sharing your even small experiences here.
next time, I will not hide behind the big pulpit in my church, I will come in front and preach from there. I am encouraged to learn that after reading that you always observe your place about where you gonna stand or speak from etc. very practical.
Best selling author Donald Miller (Blue Like Jazz) asked, “If your life was made into a movie, would you go see it?” My answer is: they ARE watching the movie, whether we realize it or not, make it a blockbuster that they will remember and will impact their lives. He also notes on the greatest book ever written, “The Bible is not bullet points; the Bible is a narrative: it’s story after story after story” …because God knows that’s what we relate to and that’s what connects us intellectually, emotionally, and volitionally. We read of stories because we ARE stories – stories to be read, stories to be seen, and stories to be heard. We are designed to express ourselves – even hermits cannot help but write their journeys because we are designed to communicate and leave a legacy of some kind – for good or for ill. The question is never when, (for we are always communicating some message at any point in time), but the question is how our message impacts ourselves and our world.
Recently, a group of songwriters and producers gathered in Chicago for a discussion on storytelling. Singer/songwriter Natalie Grant told the story of how she returned from India and was fully prepared to share of her experiences before the congregation. The church pastor approached her and said, “We’d like to keep things more ‘touchy-feely’ for this service,” which, of course purposely, negated her stories of suffering recently experienced. The tragedy lost when we “edit out” our lives for what we believe to be more palatable. We live to tell all. I tell people, “People will always talk about you behind your back…make sure it’s good.”
I still use one my all time favorite John Maxwell quotes: “You think what I’m saying now is bad, you should see what I edit in my head.”
I was recently a part of a worship experience where 200 women sang to a about 100 men. I stood out, but not how I intended. All of the women were dressed in their finest threads to serenade these men, but I was in an apron because I was helping serve them dinner just moments before (just a sidenote of a visual mismatch, more in my mind than my dress, which almost dictated my decision to not be an impact on these lives). One of the men came to me afterwards and said, “I know you to be a quiet person, and I couldn’t hear you sing, but I could see your smile across the room. Please keep smiling, it said more than anything else.” Oh, the power of a simple smile. Thank you for reminding me to the split second moment that carries rock star influence into someone’s life.
I have been told again and again by professional writers and editors, “you can write, now include yourself.” Noone ever said “how to include myself.” I am a writer, a one-liner, but not a “storyteller” (despite my earlier Miller notes
). Your notes on the plan along with the desired result are perfect. Truly helped me lay out a simple structure to be achieved in my writing – which help me come to my ultimate goal: reveal myself and connect with others.
By the way, our camera guys are fully prepared for your ultimate point: when John goes down on one knee, better listen up, it’s key!
So much more, but that’s key for now.
Speaking of edit, “the tragedy felt and opportunity lost when we edit out our lives.
Amazing chapter!
Sometimes we focused in separate components of communications, an it’s good, but I think we should put attention in the whole equation as mentioned:
- What we say accounts for only 7 percent of what is believed.
- The way we say it accounts for 38 percent.
- What others see accounts for 55 percent.[i]
In order to have each % or weight in the equation, we need to have all of them, not just develop the 93%. Here mayority is not enough.
I want to share an example … “There are studies that mentioned that aprox 95 % of the genomes of humans and great apes is similar” … what I am traying to say, we can not be excluyent with all 3 component, it could be the difference beetween be an human (message with conecction) or be a simple ape (just a message). There is a lot of difference!
Sometimes, the the worst barrier between me an my audience is my attitude, because I am not sesible to wath is needed before I communicate a message. We need to be alert all the time to anticipate what would be recuried at the “true moment”.
Finally there is a great book from John Mason titled “Imitation is limitation” where is mentioned that we need to develop our uniques talents, our core business inside of us, beceasue we are the only one that can accomplish God’s purpose for us, nobody else.
Thanks a lot for this opportunitty.
Alejandro Pozo, Monterrey-Mexico
Great Chapter John! my favorite parts were your speaking checklist, your overall honest transparency, and especially the 7 seconds to make a good first impression. I recommend not changing a word, If its perfect, its good enough, Terry
The attitude is the key to any successful communication.
I moved to Canada at the age of 21. Coming from former Yugoslavia during the Balkan wars was not easy, but it was exciting. There were many things I’d considered serious obstacles to my success, but nothing as serious as my accent. The command of English language was not that terrible, but the accent was. On top of everything I was trying to be a preacher and get as many speaking engagements as possible. But there was the accent, my greatest weakness, so I thought. Even going to a store, trying to buy a pair of shoes, was a nightmare. I’d just feel awkward and intimidated asking for anything, let alone a discount, well, because of my accent. Everything changed one day, when a fellow student got into a conversation with me about shopping and negotiating prices. He said: “Hey Goran, you guys with the Mediterranean accent, it’s easy for you. Everybody knows that you like to negotiate prices, so everyone gives you a discount!” His words dawned on me like a revelation come from heaven. That very instant I realized that my worst enemy had been my best friend all along. I went to test the theory right away, and visited a few shoe stores. It worked, you wouldn’t believe the discounts I got! Shopping and conversing with strangers turned from a nightmare to a great fun. It still is today. My accent had not changed, my attitude has. I learned that I had an incredible advantage over a born Canadian, my accent!
TYPO ??? —
Should there be an “s” on the end of “word”??
“to be with them, not only in word but with smiles, hugs, and kisses. We want”
PS – My favorite chapter so far! Want to read it again and take notes!!! So good! Great stories! Very relatable!!
Good chapter! It is very practical. Possible one more life story in it would be nice. You are a great writer!
Hi John,
I didn’t get to comment on your 1st and 2nd chapters. I read only the 3rd chapter and am amazed at how much I actually learned from it. Thank you! This 3rd chapter alone is like a book of its own, so rich and full of wisdom and knowledge.
When I was in university to do my bachelor degree, Non-verbal communication was my thesis. I totally can relate to what you wrote above. Now, I have my own export company and I can also relate to this chapter 3.
If I may add, someone’s words, attitude and body language also may convey either negative or positive message that can either give hope or make others hopeless. We are all capable to build or destroy others with our words and body language. Plus our words are the reflection of our faith. We cannot just think about something, but also speak it out, to make things happen. Because when we speak it out, it helps us to believe and it may also strenghten others who hear.
For women, since they talk so much, they can learn how to actually “do” the “action”. While men, can learn how to “speak”.
Thank you.
Ita Imelda
Hi John
loved the simplicity in your main points. As a teacher in a public high school it is all about connecting.
I’d love you to develop more about mimic / imitation in communication as Against devloping your own style. I love the part in ‘Braveheart’ (not just because I’m Scottish) when Wallace is asked by his men how they should fight and he tells them
‘just be yourself’. Too many people mimic ‘great orators’ to the point that you question if they have any originality
maybe some more tips of Hindrances to Connecting with audiences – though it is all the way through the chapter
love the way you write –
D
Love the opener John! “Two….” is very effective; it gets people thinking right off “Yaaaaaa that’s very true!..Why is that true?..What is it that makes the difference?..I’m sure it’s not a gene, soooooo, I can become THAT person!..I want to be THAT person!!!!”
Intriguing, “Something I…” section. So true, conveying someone else’s vision.
Liked use of Henry Ward Beecher’s quote; there are interesting authentic people and then there are those who practice being interesting people. Obviously, you need to be the real thing or no doubt it will come across loud and clear, beyond your words! People who simply practice, say something OFF that hits us deeper where intuition says “Something’s OFF about them..disconnect!”
Agree that movement is important and sometimes a touch goes along with it like when you squat to a child’s eye level, lower your tone a little, and touch their hand or forearm slightly. Note: It’s a shame that touch is such a sensitive subject these days because it’s often very essential to connecting.
Instant light-bulb moment, Laughton’s comment, “I know the psalm; she knows the Sheppard.”
Wide-smile, Cobb’s quotes “…because I’m seventy.”
Summation feels incomplete and simplistic which can wash away great detail content in someone’s mind, “Putting It All Together” section. You mentioned it’s intuitive and just be yourself, but I find people’s intuition doesn’t serve them well and their self-awareness isn’t much better…aaaaaand they know it; you may risk disconnecting them.
Just some thoughts that come to mind:
In an age of attention deficit, multi-multi-tasking , video games and fast-paced movies with LOTS OF STIMULUS, connecting is frankly…harder! It’s not that we’re taking the shallow approach of “I’ll wow them with my bag of tricks!”…nooo…it’s more like “I’ll start with something I know, do and am passionate about, THEN how can I BESTTT connect?..what tools would help me get my passion across THE WAY I REALLLLLY WANT TO?”
While the title of this chapter is “Connecting Goes Beyond Words,” I believe OUR CHOICE OF WORDS DICTATES A GOOD PORTION OF THE QUALITY OF OUR CONNECTION BEYOND WORDS. Colorful descriptive language & voice allow you to best express what’s beyond words; they allow your connection to POP! or be deeper light-bulb moments…metaphors, similes, euphemisms, witty phrases, WORD PICTURES that POP “HAHAHAHA LOL!!” or “OMG YESSSSSS!!”, high-interest stories that are DEAD ON POINT!!…all of these words allow you to better convey what is beyond words.
It’s funny that even texting kind of illustrates this point: although we’re confined to words, text messages that catch our eye or POP! or keep our interest… incorporate descriptives such as these to better convey what’s beyond it, like the classic “read between the lines.”
It’s a given that eye contact is critical throughout! Just make sure you’re NOT drilling holes through their irises, but instead, you’re focusing around their eye area and only briefly on the irises for emphasis. I know this sounds technical, but in truth, people are very sensitive to staring and glaring, and there’s only a matter of seconds before warm and sincere becomes feeling uncomfortable, CONNECTION BECOMES DISCONNECTION IN A HEARTBEAT and you’re left wondering “WHATTT HAPPENED!?”
Chemistry beyond the words: all of these affect serotonin levels and release endorphins to give each of us that warm exhilarating feeling of satisfaction that WE’VE CONNECTED THE WAY WE REALLLLLLY WANTED TO!!:)
Enjoy your writing, John.
Candace
John, I spoke on Sept. 12th in LA on Leadership. I referred to your book the 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership. How timely to now have the opportunity to review your next book! As an author, speaker and performer (singer), I am a fan of using the stool on stage. I saw you speak in person at the the Success Symposium in Long Beach. I love your easy conversational style. In chapter three you touch on how singers connect with the audience. I would suggest you expand on that thought because more people can relate to singing. If they cannot sing people still love to try. So my thought is if you can sing with the emotion of the song/performance then bring that same sincerity and passion to all that you communicate. I have another book being released in October and I wrote on Speaking with Confidence. I would be honored to have to read my contribution. Just let me know. John, you are my idol and mentor. And now I get another get book to use as a teaching tool. Thank you, again!
Rosemary
After reading ch 3 I am reminded on how we are created for authentic relationship. This boils down the pretense and rederick.
When we have authentic relationship people feel and hear our hearts. Our message, when real as just in this book , it reaches from your soul and connects to the soul of others.
I think in “big” terms like relationship. I admire your ability to take impossible things, like communicaton and relationship and break them into small, edible bite size pieces that build foundations one brick at a time for even the simplest to reap rewards.
The key word in life is relationship (w God and others). Not an easy task. God bless you, keep you and make His face shine upon you!
Hi John,
I am a director of musicals as well as a performing arts and music instructor. I really appreciate this chapter because so much of it pertains to what I preach to my performing arts students. I love that you opened up the chapter with an example of two singers! Thank you for expounding upon and defining how to truly “connect”. As a performing arts instructor, I have not found information such as this in standard performing arts textbooks. Yet, it is KEY. Thank you.
Hi John,
You know John, communication is the essential element of every day living. Jesus communicated to everyone in differant levels and differant ways. Jesus passion to minister to people was so important to the Father that he often used parables so that the people would understand what He is trying to convey. This book so far has demonstrated in my opinion, how to communicate as a professional or in realtionships.
I want to give you some insights because communication is so very important to me as a delivery of good news to others. However, it did not lack confidence nor did not lack knowledge but it lacked passion in what you believe in before a person opens their month to speak. The message is the essential part of communication.
Let’s talk about the hinderances of communication and why people are not so successful in communication with others. I have heard so many wonderful speakers and heard topics that really do not interest me. But because the way they communicated their topic, I stayed in tune because I loved the way they spoke, with elequoence and simplicity.
I struggled with communication since I was a child and it was not because I was not able to speak or had a communication speech problem. It was because I was charged not to speak – an atmosphere which forbidden communication or even the thoughts of it. So I learned not to speak. Now that I am adult, or when I left my home after high school. communication was a big problem for me and often interfered with my ability to write well or comphrend what others were saying. But thank God His grace is sufficient to overcome. I am very keened to how people speak and how they write and sensitive to topics like this one. I want it to grasp my attention. I want it to bring out and nurture those areas in communication that need tending to and healing.
Thank you !! you have done so with the help of the Holy Spirit.
When Laughton departed at the end of the evening, a member of the family thanked him for coming and remarked about the difference in the response by the family to the two recitations of the psalm. When asked his opinion on the difference, Laughton responded, “I know the psalm; she knows the Shepherd.”
Can I say that the different response was that people who hear the recitations could see, hear and feel that there was full of Conviction in the psalm recited by the elderly lady.
John:
This is a very good chapter and lots of good tips for presenters like myself.
I would like to comment on the following concept you raise – very interesting. But I would like to add 1 component – “EMOTION – something we feel, and”
I have found that I could show that I am very passionate in my presentation – show how I feel; however, I do not believe it; it would not still not connect with the people.
I would like to suggest to add:
EMOTION – Something we feel and believe in
MOVE – Something we do
Great chapter, John. Thanks for welcoming feedback.
On making someone else’s vision yours: Every president speaks about the American dream, but it wasn’t their idea. They talk about how this dream/vision effects them and how it effects Americans today. This gives the message relevance and emotion.
Dear John
I like it as usuallly. Your point is not merely technics but goes beyond it. You talk about the essence of communication! I like it when you say that attitude occupies important role in communicating. You are right John. We are not talking about “skill” of communication, we talking about conveying our message. Attitude makes you confident, and in turn, give you passion to convey it.
Thank you for this chapter. For many years I learn about “the skill to speak”, but now I realize that it is not merely skill, it is my life and my attitude. I believe this book will bless many people. God Bless You
This chapter left a huge impression on me. As I strive to lead my family effectively, my goal is to connect with them on all levels. There’s a comment at the beginning of this set of comments that mentions getting a Ph.D. in the people you’re trying to lead. I’ll remember that forever.
Awesome Chapter. I will read it again to soak it in some more. I was thinking about how to develop some of the skills mentioned. Seems like a good place to start is by videoing myself. Thanks for the review opportunity.
Wow, I got a lot out of this chapter. It was hard to read with a critiquing eye, when I was learning so much. The things that jumped out and impacted me were:
1. Howard Hendricks 3 parts of communication: intellectual, emotional and volitional
2. 3 components of communication: Thoughts, Emotion and Action and the bullets of how we can be disconnected:
• Something I know but do not feel, my communication is dispassionate.
• Something I know but do not do, my communication is theoretical.
• Something I feel but do not know, my communication is unfounded.
• Something I feel but do not do, my communication is hypocritical.
• Something I do but do not know, my communication is presumptuous.
• Something I do but do not feel, my communication is mechanical.
LOVED these bullets. I was trying to figure out a graphical representation of above, which would be cool in your book.
3. The questions you ask yourself after a speech I will definitely use:
• Integrity—Did I do my best?
• Expectation—Did I please my sponsor?
• Relevance—Did I understand and relate to the audience?
• Value—Did I add value to the people?
• Application—Did I give people a game-plan?
• Change—Did I make a difference?
4. Know your subject AND equally know yourself.
The only question I had at the end of the chapter was, how to apply what you shared to written communication.
John,
I found chapter 3 explores the profound affect of connecting visually, intellectually, and emotionally with your audience. So many times we miss the mark by not “dropping the curtain ” and placing no barriers between us and our audience. Weather we are speaking to a large group, small group, or having a one one conversation these tools if utilized will make us much more effective in our communication with others.
Best Wishes,
Kurt Billups
This is my first encounter with the chapters for the book and all I can say is that this has hit a home run. Having been invited to do technical presentations for Microsoft technologies both locally and globally, I know what it means to sit in a presentation with boring PowerPoint slides, bullet points that can kill and listen to a speaker that probably memorized the transcript of the presentation. I have been guilty of doing this myself as I initially thought that this was the way to do technical presentations. Ever since I have learned about the art of delivering presentations, I have committed myself to continuous development on the subject – from creating great PowerPoint slides to delivering the presentation (special mention to great books like Presentation Zen by Garr Reynolds, slide:ology by Nancy Duarte and Working the Room by Nick Morgan).
From experience, I have learned that enthusiasm, emotional and visual connection when delivering a presentation is what makes people want to stay and listen more – even for a highly technical and boring presentation. The reason I get invited to do presentations was not because of the level of content I provide other (other speakers are smarter and have more technical knowledge than I do) but because I was able to connect to the audience, understand what they feel and provide a solution using the technologies I am presenting. It’s hard to be an expert in just one aspect of technology especially when it keeps evolving and this is what I have learned when delivering presentations. It’s hard to be an expert at what you will present on. But what makes you as one when you deliver your presentation is the passion and enthusiasm that come with it during the preparation and delivery. Anybody can deliver presentations on just about any topic they may or may not be expert on. The only difference in making it an effective one is to put yourself in the listener’s shoes, feel what they feel and develop and deliver a presentation based on that.
Bottom line:It’s all about the listener when we communicate.
John,
I am excited to be able to read your third chapter of your new book (thanks) and will keep my eyes open for Ch. 4.
From reading some of your books, I can say that you do indeed “….work to make every one of my books more than just a book, more than just paper and ink or an electronic file to be offered in the marketplace. Every book comes from my heart and soul. I believe in it and genuinely hope it will help whoever reads it.”
That belief, emotion and heart-felt message in your writing is what has made you a leader in this field, and a favorite author for so many.
Thank you for the example you set for me.
John
As a member of Toastmasters International I think Chapter 3 is dead on. I would suggest under the section about Pay Attention to Your Surroundings…that you include a little piece about using the computer while talking on the phone…this is not often talked about but one we all know happens…..
Great perspective in this chapter!
It is amazing that when each of us simply changes our focus from inward to outward, those we come into contact with sense our authentic emotional connection and respond in kind.
Whether in business or in our own homes, this authentic, connected approach to one another
can be a catalyst to changing our world.
I love what you wrote about how you and Margaret react when your grandchildren visit. Could you imagine if we as parents acted that way each time we saw our children? How connected would our children feel? How full would there bucket be? And as a result, how much more would our children have to sow back into this world?
As you said in your book ‘Winning With Peoople’, “Good, healthy, growing relationships begin with the ability to put other people first.”
Looking forward to the next chapter!
Dear Mr Maxwell,
Chapter 3 is exceptional- I learned A LOT!
I have felt times when my words flowed flawlessly from my lips and yet felt like they were not fully received. This is because there was not complete integrity in what I was saying, and therefor a lapse in communication.
I believe I read in 7 Habits of Highly Effective People that, ‘Honesty requires conforming our words to reality, and Integrity requires conforming reality to our words. This is to me, the essence of what Ralph Waldo Emerson’s quote is about. WELL DONE JOHN!
The beginning of this chapter really drew me in quickly because of how easy it was to identify with the situations.
Need to delete a “good” and add a “the” to this quote:
“There are persons so radiant, so genial, so kind, so pleasure-bearing, that you instinctively feel (delete->good) in their presence that they do you good, whose coming into a room is like THE bringing a lamp there.”
Are you familiar with Carly Fleischmann on twitter as CarlysVoice? She has autism and thus is limited in so many ways in her physical communication – but she can type and has wonderfully “connected” with so many on twitter that she has 5,197 following her as of this moment.
Than
Oops! My previous message got submitted before it was ready! The Beecher quote is also missing an “of” (is like THE bringing OF a lamp there.”)
Thanks for another great chapter!
John,
I posted a comment on your blog today and wanted to let you know as well that your blog is listed on my own Simply Said blog in the “Blogs I Like” list.
Thank you for sharing your chapters from your new book online. I love this novel concept of asking for your readers’ input… before the book is published.
I know you are no doubt ‘really’ wanting reader input, (after all… you said… ” All feedback, editing, questions, and corrections are welcome.) But, as you are such an esteemed author and presenter, I am nonetheless hesitant to offer any thoughts. Perhaps that is why I waited until this afternoon to send this email to you. But then, I put myself in your shoes, and thought – yes, I would really want to hear from my readers as I was working on a draft.
So, humbly, here are a few thoughts.
Good luck with your book. And… thank you for sharing your heart and words with readers like myself.
My very best to you.
If I try to communicate . . .
Something I know, but do not feel, my communication is dispassionate.
Something I know, but do not do, my communication is theoretical.
Something I know, but do not live, my communication is empty.
Something I know, but do not believe, my impact is stunted.
Something I feel, but do not know, my communication is unfounded.
Something I feel, but do not do, my communication is hypocritical.
Something I feel, but do not live, my impact is marginal.
Something I do, but do not know, my communication is presumptuous.
Something I do, but do not feel, my communication is mechanical.
Something I say, but do not feel, my communication is phony.
Something I say, but do not live, my communication is lifeless.
Something I say, but do not embrace, my impact is void.
Note:
If you did add any of the above, you might then need to tweak this line to reflect the fourth component…
However, when I include all four components—thought, emotion, action, and sharing—my communication has conviction, passion, credibility, and clarity .
And a thought in the line that says…
Once you have ‘done’ that…
Note: from my earliest memories… my grandmother kindly ‘drilled’ in me that only ‘turkeys get done’… of course, implying do not be a turkey, Joanne.) A possibility of a word to exchange for ‘done’ in the text could be…
Once you have succeeded with that…
‘Done’ pops up again in the story about completing applications for a grocery clerk job w/your friend in high school.
Also, in the line that says..
Add to that the popularity of YouTube, Facebook, Vimeo, PowerPoint, movies, and other media, and you can certainly understand the importance of what can be seen in our culture.
… I would suggest perhaps adding Twitter to the line-up. That social media option is growing exponentially and has been for 15 mos. or so at this point… so it is a force to be reckoned with.. and definitely is a ‘part’ of our culture.
Additionally, I would offer the idea of adding the words ‘mobile communication’ in this list as well — again, because that technology use is almost explosive in our culture.
Again, good luck.
Great chapter John!
I learnt a good chunk of this when i was being mentored into corporate management from my old boss. and with time, it became very evident that it wasn’t necessary the words that came out of your mouth, but the tone, body language, eye contact, and overall, the perception that the other party got during the conversation that matters.
I’ve progressed through high school/university with wit mixed in with sarcasm and came off with a bit of an edge as i was told by my old boss when i transitioned into the workforce, and i was taught then that to be a leader that people would want to follow, i had to change the delivery of my words with much more to be effective in winning people over. i wanted to be a leader and decided that day to make a change, and i worked on communicating with people where the perception of what i was trying to convey was the result i wanted. i soon became so conscious of how ineffective i was prior to understanding this. it didn’t happen overnight, but i am so thankful this lesson was taught early enough for me to have remedied and it had brought much success in the corporate world, and it has definitely given me a slight edge in running my own business and now i have the privilege of helping some peers work on this.
I’ve grown even more since then, and have been analyzing my interactions with people to see what they might have gotten out of it and to be proactive in bettering my overall perception delivering skills to win the respect from my peers, trainees, and clients constantly.
i was also at your edmonton event yesterday, and you were just amazing. i can’t wait til you come back!
Hi John,
I am a big fan and have read many of your books. I enjoyed this chapter. As part of my job, I coach people in how to deal with the media, and many of your tips were reinforcement of what I’ve learnt as a journalist. I always tell media training delegates, “It’s 10% of what you say, and 90% of how you say it.”
I’m looking forward to this book, too, but do agree with Gareth who made a comment above, that it would be great to have some more egs from outside the US if possible.
Thanks and good luck with the new book,
Tara Turkington
Johannesburg, South Africa
Connecting Goes Beyond Words
Chapter 3 is well written. The information really stirred my heart. Recently, I attended a Successful Thinkers Mixer with Jim Bellacera, Founder & Speaker and Bennie Harris, Host. During the mixer I was given the opportunity to share with the audience how important it is for those of us doing internet marketing to really make a commitment to sincerely/genuinely connect with as many of our friends in our social networking circles as possible.
So many people are just dissimilating or circulating information on a daily basis without any real connection to the people they are sending the information. Yes, the information is valuable, but who are you? I noticed that you said “when you find yourself, you find your audience” and the people that are just posting their business information & or opportunities are often clueless regarding their target audience. They assume everybody wants what they are blasting everyday but NOT! To the ones that I have connections with I created a referral base and I have committed to sharing their business information if I come across someone that need their products or services.
I’m very passionate about connecting and I am very thankful that you are sharing this information with the world. I realize that some people connect for the moment and some people connect for a lifetime!
The only correction I see within the chapter was “Rose of Sloan’s Supermakets” spelling Supermarkets.
Dear John,
Thank you for this unique opportunity to share with you at this stage in your writing process. It is an honour for all of us to consider that you value our input and feedback.
As a high school teacher, this chapter really resonated with me as I read it! Sharing thought, emotion, and action indeed characterizes my most effective lessons. Conversely, on days where I end up having to teach something with which I am not as familiar or about which I have no personal connection, I end up feeling a lack of confidence and/or a lack of passion … and everybody suffers! (And teenagers are not the most gracious “audiences”!) Your teaching in this chapter is a good reminder to me.
The first two sections were motivating, with a catchy set-up … made one want to read more!
I really liked the example with the psalm and the Shepherd … so true. Great illustration.
The part about the person with “presence” or “charisma” having an unselfish attitude and putting others first reminds me of when you have a conversation with someone that is focused mostly on them, about which they think was a great “talk”!! LOL I know that people enjoy talking about themselves, but sometimes I feel fake when I’ve allowed the conversation to go that way and they don’t seem to be any the wiser. I’ve always felt that if they are okay with it, they obviously needed it. Does that sound right?
Regarding one of the comments made by Larry Baxter, I think he makes a good point in questioning how you say to “find yourself” as a speaker, but then go on to encourage a sort of prescriptive method. Perhaps that could be addressed in the chapter … ie. what to do when it’s not your style, and how to incorporate your tips when it doesn’t come as naturally.
Thanks again!
All the best with the book. It seems like it will be very helpful.
Sincerely,
Janine Murray
Great chapter! ‘Were’ in last sentence in paragraph on chapter on grandkids should be ‘we’re’ or ‘we are.’
Dear Mr. Maxwell
Thank you for the free reading opportunity.
Typo under EXPAND YOUR RANGE OF EXPRESSION
Remove one “WE ARE” from the sentence about showing “how delighted we are to be with” your grandchildren.
Yours sincerely
Waldemar
I will never forget my dad’s hands. He was a hardworking, blue collar worker who abused his hands daily – yet somehow maintaining them to be immaculately manicured, tan and perfect. This was a paradox of something both functional and inspirational to me as a child. The hands that fixed my bicycles, painted my bedroom avocado green (70′s child!), fixed refrigeration units, and “pointed” me in the direction of extravagantly caring for others, were also the hands that liberally defined his soul. While I lay bruised and injured, sitting on a stretcher in an emergency room following a front end collision with my ’73 Plymouth Duster, this seventeen year old was a complete wreck. A complete wreck – until I felt my dad’s hand touch my shoulders. I knew immediately who it was without turning around. I felt his power, his sense of touch; a familiar calming and an instant connection that said, “It’s OK.”
In my years of speaking and (hopefully) communicating and connecting the gospel, whether by song, word or comedy, I’ve become very aware of how powerful the hands are in both giving and receiving the subtle delivery of facts, faith, truth, compassion, and overall coordination of heart and body. Definition says of “hands: ” They are the chief organs for physically manipulating the environment.” Both scary and true. They express the depth of one’s innermost thoughts and emotions. It’s usually a dead give away (to me) when a speaker’s hands try to manipulate something the heart is not saying.
It’s no wonder that Jesus, knowing the power HE was, made it a point to touch and “connect beyond words.” Lives were instantly healed and changed, simply by HIS touch.
So here I am, paying for a manicure and sitting in the chair with my freshly polished nails in a pretty metallic burgundy. I’ll do all I can to make my hands look beautiful. But the truth is, they weren’t made just for cosmetic purposes – there’s a real passion here. I’m ready to rid myself of the “pretty hands gospel”, and get down right dirty and calloused, until someone is moved and changed by my touch.
I cannot wait to get this book! You write exactly as you speak to us in person with emotion and we feel like we really know you. When you share your personal experiences with God (like your sermon at Christmas 2 years ago at Christ Fellowship…so passionate that I can still recall the whole experience) we feel your love for Christ and your love of people. Thank you for another amazing experience.
I commented on the last chapter and couldn’t wait for Chapter 3! This is GREAT stuff!
I think that most people fall into the category of “doing something but not being able to explain it…and your audience gets frustrated.” I’ve run across brilliant scholars teaching seminars and I remember feeling frustrated because I wanted to understand what they were saying and understand their work, but I still had no clue. I think that most of us new speakers can admit that we have to work harder on honing in our audiences.
What really stood out to me was these lines:
“The art of communicating beyond words requires the ability to bring all four of those factors together—the right words with the right emotion while being intellectually convincing and making the right visual impression. And all this needs to be done with the right tone of voice, the right facial expressions, and positive body language.” I think communication experts will be quoting these lines years after the book comes up.
In addition to all the great things I will take from this chapter, these words will stand out to me the most. As I practice for the days to come when I will start speaking and connecting with my audience, I think of speakers I like. Most of them have a knack of talking directly from their soul, and others have the expression and gestures that made their words come alive that it moves you to the core. And some are just so conversational and down-to-earth in their speaking style that you instantly want to be their buddies. Eye contact also resonates with me. When a speaker makes eye contact with me even once during a speech, he/she wins me over instantly. This chapter helps define why I like these speakers and helps me understand the “how”.
Regarding the tone of voice body language: I hosted an early morning panel discussion once and the guy with the “least talked about topic” topic, got the best feedback. I was stunned then because before the panel, I had secretly hoped that he could get a couple of people interested in his topic. Your chapter reminded me that he made little jokes whenever it was his turn, he had a one-liner that he kept repeating, he had this boyish laugh and demeanor that made him connect with the audience (and I could tell that he was nervous; especially since he was beet-red the whole time) but everytime he made a statement, the audience responded with murmurs, nods, giggles, etc. Later a couple of people said, “boy that guy was something, he must have had too much coffee but he was something, I sure would like to hear him again.” And when the assessments went around, he got the most positive responses.
Thanks for bringing it all into perspective.
You asked for a critique so one thing that I would have loved to have seen added: in the lines that start with: “When I try to communicate…Something I know but do not feel, my communication is dispasionate.” I would have loved to see the opposite after you related that version. “When I communicate something I know AND feel, I am passionate!” I know it may sound weird because it is the same thing, but somehow in my “reader mind” I turned the sentence around to convey that meaning. It made it easier for me to repeat to myself or scribble somewhere to remind myself.
The art of communication is what I see coming out in this chapter.
Great read! I love the fact that you have included your
Personal experiences. As you said, this adds credibility
To your message. I like this chapter and am definitely considering
Purchasing the book.
Thanks
Connecting Goes Beyond Words was a good chapter. I think it probably could be broken up into two chapters due to the amount of information. I really would like you to expand on: The solution to better communication:
“In other words, when we try to communicate, we must include:
Thought: Something we know,
Emotion: Something we feel, and
Action: Something we do.
I believe those three components are essential to connect with others as well. Fail to include any one of the three, and there will be a disconnection from people and a breakdown in communication. More specifically, here’s how I think the breakdown would occur. If I try to communicate . . .
Something I know but do not feel, my communication is dispassionate.
Something I know but do not do, my communication is theoretical.
Something I feel but do not know, my communication is unfounded.
Something I feel but do not do, my communication is hypocritical.
Something I do but do not know, my communication is presumptuous.
Something I do but do not feel, my communication is mechanical.
When components are missing, the result for me as a communicator is exhaustion. However, when I include all three components—thought, emotion, and action—my communication has conviction, passion, and credibility. And the result is connection.”
Give some specific examples here.
I would also like to see an outline of the 4 components of connection prior to going into detail on each one. Show me the big picture, then break it down.
“People will not always remember what you said. They will not alwasy remember what you did. But, they will always remember how you made them feel.” – This applies to me each and every day, I have to take into account how I make my students/players feel. If I can make the last guy on the bench feel as important as the leading scorer, then I have done a great job coaching. If I can help the student how really hates English enjoy at least one story, then I have done a good job.
I know what people see is the most important of the four components of connection, but the other 3 could be expanded a little. Again, add a chapter.
I really enjoy reading the book and adding to the blog. This is educational in itself and helping everyone who contributes be communicators to a bigger audience.
This is really moving and it reminds me of myself. I went out with a friend a few months ago who said that the reason why people give me so much attention is because I give 100% attention to anyone i speak to until the conversation is finished.
I think that is chapter is really on point, and it speaks utterly to this generation because it is a generation with so much information that it takes a lot for one to get through to people because they are so bombarded with information. My father has been in the service industry all his working life and he taught me that each individual customer is as important as the other, and that you have to deal with each issue with equal importance. One thing i am learning about Leadership in particular is that it is based on being relevant, that means being completely connected with people at any given point in time, not being present all the time, but being relevant, because you can be present and not be relevant. That takes listening closely to the needs of people and working day and night to find the answer that fills those needs, but that should also be your innate desire to inspire destiny, which is fueled by the knowledge of one’s purpose. Once we understand our purpose, it is very easy to walk into a room and not say a word and have more impact than the person making the most noise.
We have a culture of greeting, which is very different to Americans. We walk into a room and greet, that’s part of our culture, and I have found that ‘acknowledgment & attention’ are the greatest tools to attracting a connection because you make people realize that your heart is open to them and that you have interest in them.
Dear John:
There are critics, and then there are critics, some of which I am not sure actually read the chapter. It is awesome indeed John. Communication in today’s environment is extremely important given all the negativity in the media and by the media. It is inspiring that you cover all the bases in communicating. I was often reminded of the many great communicators I have had the pleasure of listening to that clearly validate your messages. This book will clearly be on my recommended list.
John,
Simple and poignant! Thanks again!
John –
Great content.
Actions speak so much louder than words! I met a man from church who I thought could be a good friend. Unfortunately, he said what people wanted to hear but never acted on his words. I was there for him when he was down, hating his job, investing time in him in different ways & praying for him. Than when things changed for him and I was out of work it took six weeks for him to reach out to me, indicating he was busy at work, but would see me at church services each week and say that he would call me. He never did. Very valuable lesson for me to make sure that I always do what I say.
You have to believe in what you are doing & have passion about it. I remember being in an alliance role for a large software company meeting with a partner from one of the global system integrators, who said he had to engage with us further based on my passion & enthusiasm.
It’s an old cliché, “altitude is determined by your attitude”.
I agree that movement vs remaining behind a podium in a presentation is important, but I caution all that too much movement can be a distraction.
Another old cliché, “success is when preparedness meets opportunity”.
Thanks for being transparent about it taking you 8 yrs to find yourself as a speaker.
According to the Bible we reap what we sow.
People with charisma truly enjoy being around people, they enjoy interaction.
great chapter! one thing i find is that proper preparation really helps to have all the things in place to properly achieve ‘”the art of communicating beyond words”
“The ability to bring all four of those factors together—the right words with the right emotion while being intellectually convincing and making the right visual impression. And all this needs to be done with the right tone of voice, the right facial expressions, and positive body language” – is harder to do if you are flustered, ‘winging – it’ or dont know what your going to talk about, especially when talking to a large audience. The audience can also feel if you’ve put work into it…or if you are just ‘getting by’
I will remark the following statements:
Something I know but do not feel, my communication is dispassionate.
Something I know but do not do, my communication is theoretical.
Something I feel but do not know, my communication is unfounded.
Something I feel but do not do, my communication is hypocritical.
Something I do but do not know, my communication is presumptuous.
Something I do but do not feel, my communication is mechanical.
It´s true, sometimes we said what we had to said, just for that.
Respect, put my feets in the other guy, put first you respect on my, are the basics to win woth the people.
How many managers are lack of this statements??
Regards from Mexico
Thank You Mr. Maxwell
Paying attention to your sourroundings. My son plays football for Taylor University as a defensive tackle. six foot three,two hundred eighty five pounds While in high school he played the position of a offensive pulling guard. In pulling out of his position by stepping back moving behind the center heading toward the defensive end. At the end of the line . Dad, he would say, if he shows me his numbers I would make the connection.
I had the priviledge of meeting your dad. I would not be suprised he connected with you a few times.
Hi John,
I have a strong sales background & it’s true that people size you up very quickly! So, it pays to over prepare & take NOTHING
Hi John,
I have a strong sales background & it’s true that people size you up very quickly! So, it pays to over prepare & take NOTHING for granted. Even if you have an inferior product & are competing against the big dogs you just might get the deal because you are more authentic. People love real, they love genuine, they love that you evoke a certain feeling of being a R-E-A-L person.
Good Luck, you are on a roll,
Lea
Sometimes, in my own home, my wife and I send each other text messages while in different rooms of the house. God help us to use all the different forms of communication available to reach every hungry heart with the Gospel.
Number 155 and still some time to go! I don’t want to miss the opportunity to comment and appreciate all the previous comments that have enhanced the draft chapter 3 so here are my responses as a New Zealand reader.
First off – I personally would like to see the comments/stories/personal experiences of the following participants included in your book – If not in this chapter, elsewhere. 27 – Susan Davis, 34 – Dr Bill – and Andy Andrews, 70 – J Jayson Pagan, 77 – Mike Driggers Cake picture, 100 – Yvonne – seize the second, 101 – Sumesh and 102 Angela – two sides of the coin, 112 – Grovan – accent 115 – Ita – opposites, 117 – Candace -many good points, 124 – Thomas -Presidential vision, 134 – Robin’s quote re honesty and integrity.
The finished product may find a better home than in Chapter Three?!?
John,
This is powerful. I believe this is your best yet. I was truely engaged while reading. The topic of this chapter is obviously important to you. I could easily connect with your energy.
I am a born leader but not having the knowledge or training needed in my fundemental years has hindered my progress because of the lack of confidence. For the past months I have been reading your books. The information is just what I needed. As a recording artist I have struggled unncessarily though miraculously I have been able to connect with my audiences. I want so badly to overcome and settle into who I am as a leader and fulfill my assignment. I am well on my way. This chapter speaks to this area in my life and validates my progress. Thank you so much.
Another chapter with words to live (or communicate) by. All I can say is practice, practice, practice. I’m sure everyone has been the recipient of the type of communication where the person communicating is more interested in what is going on around them, behind you or looking for someone else. Non verbal communication is very “loud and clear.” Great chapter.
Thanks,
Rick Clack
John,
You are so right. Often those of us who are involved in public speaking try to copy others who are already successful in that field. And though we can learn from others, finding ourselves is crucial to our effectiveness. People do not want just to be impressed by our intellect, but connect with our hearts. I have always said that it is not reality that is important but a perception of this reality by others. I may think that I delivered a great message. But how did people perceive me?
John, you keep inspiring me. Thank you.
(In addition to my (Sue Duffield) above comment)
….by the way John, your hands are in your promo pictures. They also must portray something significant about who you are and how you relate – non-verbally!
About 20 years ago as a pastor starting out I attended one of your leadership conferences in Northern Virginia. At the conclusion one day you came down and laid your hand on me and prayed over me. You made me feel special and I felt that you believed in me. Still remember it to this day.
My good friend Melvin Adams, former player of the Harlem Globetrotters, only learned about connecting with people through a long and difficult process. When he was young and still in grade school, he longed to hear his mother say “I’m proud of you”. Of course his mother wanted the best for him, but she just didn’t know how to communicate. In desperate attempts to gain his mother’s attention, he started shooting 3,000 jump shots a day. When the clock hit 2 am he would take the car out and dribble the basketball on the highway with the door open at 5 miles an hour. When he would master that, he would then do it at 10 miles an hour. He would then sleep for 2 hours, get up and go run 5 miles every morning. All these were great things to enhance his basketball skills, but he was trying to use his passions to try to connect instead of focusing on his mother’s personality and her desires. As a result, he became one of the shortest Harlem Globetrotters standing at 5’6, winning many awards and credentials, but still didn’t seem to make any connection with his mother. Finally, he decided to try a whole different approach. He learned about his mother’s favorite restaurant and began to take her there for lunch. Instead of rambling on and on about basketball he would talk about topics she was interested in. Now Melvin and his mother have a great relationship. Melvin retired from the Globetrotters and began to use his method of connecting with people all across the world. Not just on stage, but when being served at a restaurant, or when checking out at the grocery store, and more importantly, with his wife and kids. Through his example, I have seen a life that is dedicated to serving people.
(Written By Ron Pantoja)
Well done, Mr. Maxwell. Well done!
This chapter is rich with insights and tools for improving one’s communication, business, and life.
As a psychologist, I was thrilled to see you educate your readers that to be the best communicator (or to make any lasting change in your life), the fastest and most powerful way is to integrate thoughts, emotions and actions.
Go-Giver author, Bob Burg, recently wrote how he took this advice to heart and was using it to change a long standing messy desk habit (http://www.burg.com/2009/09/working-through-mds-messy-desk-syndrome/). It is powerful concept.
Regarding first impressions being made in 7 seconds, there is other fascinating research showing that it can take much less than this.
You may want to look at Dr. Paul Ekman’s intriguing work on micro expressions.
A fun and educational quiz based on this work is available here: http://www.cio.com/article/facial-expressions-test.
I believe that the pillar of this chapter is your point that “any message you try to convey must contain a piece of you…You must be the message you want to deliver.” This comes shining through your books and I enjoyed you sharing more specifics about how your past books carry your DNA.
I fully agree with your point at the end of the chapter when saying your best advice is to learn how to be yourself. It brings to mind the powerful authenticity quote, “Know thyself and to thy own self be true”.
Speaking of quotes…you made the excellent point in the chapter of how they become integrated into our language. I think this may actually be true of the quote you attribute to Mike Harrison, which I often have seen attributed to another. A quick google search shows it has been attributed to hundreds of different sources over time. What a fascinating case in point of the power of words as the currency of ideas.
Finally, a sincere thank you for your Connection Checklist. As a speaker, I will put it to use immediately. I am giving thought to an additional factor, reinforced in your chapter, of Positive Connection – Did I confidently give and receive positive energy with my audience?
Blessings on you and your work,
Dr. Mollie Marti
There’s an element of irony – if not divine providence – that my husband and I had an unusual miscommunication the same week Mr. Maxwell posted Chapter 3, of Many Communicate – Few Connect, for comment.
It was the opening night for The Marriage Course and, though a bit nervous, Tim and I were excited about this new adventure. Our church had approached us some weeks earlier to ask if we would consider leading the group each Wednesday evening. Having sensed a call to marriage ministry for some time, and having made our marriage relationship a priority, we agreed to lead the sessions.
I am a very spontaneous, outgoing, bubbly person who is prone to getting slightly off track if it will add humour or ‘fun’ to an agenda – such as an ‘agenda’ is with me. I adore Tim with every ounce of my affection and he’s very aware of this. Tim, on the other hand, is a reserved, calculated man who is highly organized and plans life carefully. If it isn’t written down on the agenda, it won’t be happening! He loves me in spite of, and maybe even because of, the qualities I have or lack, and is deeply committed to his family. Everything about his person creates a sense of stability for me and makes me feel safe in his presence. I always say, “He isn’t perfect, but he’s about as close as they get!” That said, both playfully and yet with an element of truth, we are very human, and on this opening night we were reminded of that.
To orient ourselves, and lead effectively, Tim and I had watched the first video several evenings in advance. Being the spontaneous one it stands, to reason that I would more quickly remember personal examples and experiences when asked during an exercise to reflect on our own marriage. As we did this in preparation for the first session, I playfully gave him a hard time about me always taking the lead, but then reassured him that I’m okay with that – recognizing our differences.
On our first evening with the group, as couples prepared for their fourth exercise in the dimly lit room, Tim said, “Husbands, if you are able go first, I’d encourage you to do that.”
I thought I detected playfulness in his voice, almost as though he was making a confession, and expected he might say more. In that split second as I turned the music on, I glanced his direction and said, “Honey, is that what you did when we did the assignment the other night?”
A ripple of laughter – mostly from the men – spread across the room, then silence as they focused on the assignment. I walked over to join Tim, rubbed my hand across his back, and whispered something in his ear.
I felt the tension in an instant, and realized he had not heard the message I was trying to send. The voice inflection, my body language, everything I was trying to communicate was playful affection, bordering on flirting with him, while giving the men an escape route if their marriage was like ours. I had even given him a flirtatious look as I said it. Why was he hurt?
“Are you okay? Did I hurt you?”
“Well, it didn’t make me feel very good when you asked me that,” he said. He wasn’t angry – just feeling wounded and a bit betrayed that I would publicly challenge him – something I had determined in the first few weeks of marriage, never to do. We spent the entire exercise time talking about what happened so that the tension between us would not disrupt the other couples and interfere with the intended purpose of the course. I asked for his forgiveness, then reassured him of my love and explained what I had intended to communicate. When I asked if he didn’t see my body language, hear the playfulness in my voice, or see ‘the look’ I gave him, he shook his head. He forgave me and the evening progressed smoothly.
Still, he was hurt and I was bewildered at how this could happen 15 years into marriage. In our third month of marriage, we promised each other never to use sarcasm, and to lovingly address our hurts and grievances as they came occurred. It has been an area of strength in our relationship, and suddenly, on the first night of marriage ministry, it was as though we were talking different languages.
On our way home as we talked about it again, I suddenly realized what had happened and shared my thoughts with Tim. “It’s what I’ve been reading about in Mr. Maxwell’s book! I know why you didn’t hear what I was trying to say!”
“Why’s that?”
I was excited as the revelation spilled out and I summarized Chapter 3 for Tim, and then went on to apply it to our situation. “There were only candles for lighting so you couldn’t possibly see my body language all the way across the room. And the words I spoke got your attention, but the voice inflections wouldn’t have matched what the words were communicating to you, so it makes sense that you didn’t notice my playfulness!”
Subconsciously all of us assess the messages people communicate into our lives, but we don’t always find the cause or solution to misunderstandings. Having read the third chapter of Mr. Maxwell’s book, we were able to effectively resolve conflict and understand what had taken place, without much stress in our marriage!
And as though providence arranged the entire experience, our next session at The Marriage Course is on Communication – and we have a personal story to share!
(posted with hubby’s permission)
Part Two – Comments on Chapter Three
My immediate reaction to the heading was “Where’s the quote acknowledgement?” – it came at the end of the chapter. I think it would be of greater integrity to put Ralph Waldo Emerson upfront – maybe as the chapter theme quote before the text begins.
Acknowledgement of Howard Hendricks as a long time mentor and his points increases readers ability to increase their reading too.
Love the table of known/unknown negatives. At comment 137 Joanne gave her additions and final of If I know what I say but do not embrace it my impact is void. Her extra lines are impactful to me – also the addition of clarity enhances your paragraph too.
I love the way you have included authors with speakers and leaders. Everytime you add an example from a different culture/environment/colleague you expand your readership.
Love having your reinforcement of what/why/ who/ for your books such as your Thinking for a Change was motivated by the impact of Dale Carnegie on you as a teenager. This sets off a chain reaction that enables some teenage reader of yours to “pay it forward”.
The Connection checklist seems to me to warrant an appendix template at the end of the book as so many people have commented on it -38, 56, 60, 64 – even said they would laminate it as a poster for daily reference on the wall!
84 – Randy made a good point about your use of data to include twitter and someone suggested that powerpoints were not part of the list – someone else suggested the naming of Moble technologies. Maybe a comment like..at the time of printing… as so many things change so quickly and you want to be as current and relevant as possible for as long as possible. Also the data about television -what about the changes by TIVO – just coming to NZ next month but we have other technologies for recording television for later playback. Also the use of text by young people is hugely impactful – even just in the area of time spent texting.
LOVE the Henry Ward Beecher quote.
Oprah often quotes – I think it is Maya Angelou – talking about how important it is for children to see your eyes light up when they come into the room that tells them they’re special and important to you – as with the grandparent response of John and Margaret.
Loved the moving with energy and purpose advice and the illustration – very powerful.
I agree with the comment about the source of Quotes such as the Psalm 23/knowing the psalm vs knowing the shepherd. I love quotes but had never heard of Mike Harrison. If you go with someone make it the most wellknown person or acknowledge a group of possible sources so we can learn to give credit where credit is due. For me it is a question of integrity to honour the main creator or it becomes the thin edge of plagerism. Florence Littauer taught us well to credit by name as it enhances both speakers and enables us to spread the word and influence further than hiding behind a “well-known Speaker” label.
For example I am now interested in reading Edwin H Friedman after the powerful quote you shared and returning to Howard Hendricks books – an expotential side effect of honouring others. For instance when your dentist quotes Andy Andrews it seems to me to be an ideal chance to get a direct – even fresh quote crafted for YOUR book or a personal example from Andy after the quote – everyone wins and creates new fans all around!!
A final comment – could we have a preview space so we can see our comments in a wider format and correct before posting.
I got the third post on email but it didn’t have the comments post at the end so I have had to go on the narrow web post.
Reading this third chapter could not have come at a better time. This weekend I made the decision to do whatever it takes to become a better speaker and presenter. My business requires me to make presentations and I want to be more effective at it. The tips that you noted in this chapter will be of great value to me in my pursuit. I am looking forward to the release of your book.
Thanks, John.
The truth that has come out of these first three chapters is awesome because connecting with others is something vital to our lives. We are made to connect with others. Our lives are richer and fuller when we connect with others, share our vision and dreams and even life. That is connecting not just on the surface that is words or kind greetings. But when we connect with people, share part of ourselves and our dreams, each of us leaves different having connected.
It is time that we better our skills of connecting. Including listening, learning, sharing and growing through connecting with others. Thanks for allowing us to catch a glimpse of this great book.
Mr. John Maxwell, I thank you for posting a chapter from your new book “Everyone Communicates, Few Connect” every week.
I totally agree about face to face communication. There is more to communication then just words. It is the words that you use, the tone of voice, and what others see. I find speaking professionally or just plain making sense is key. With tone, you cant be monotone, use your tone of voice to inhance your message and points. When people see you be well groomed, it will get you farther, and be taken more seriously.
At the office I work out of, I went in front of the room, and spoke in front of about 70 people. I have never spoken in front of that many people, but it was something I had to do. People had to hear my story. I told them how I stuck up for what we do as a company, and how we help people. This gentlman did not agree with me, but I used facts and examples of how we help and they do not. So I told the story in front of the group at the office. With my tone of voice, apperance and the belief in what I do, I won over the crowd, putting hope into people. They left the room with a purpose, they felt great and motivated. With the value, and difference I gave to people it made me feel great and I motivated myself. I communicated with the crowd and the response was people coming up to me for the whole week about how good I did, and how I stood up for what was right. I got lots of thank you’s from the office. If it was not for communicating my story and experience efficiently the point would not have been made. I am glad it was though.
Thank You.
Looking forward to chapter 4, keep up the good work John and team.
That chapter was absolutely life changing. Somewhere in my reading tonight, I stopped reading it for edits and was just absorbing information that will truly impact me for the rest of my life.
Believe it or not, I did find one sentence to change. In the sentence below:
Anytime you are in front of other people to communicate—whether it’s on a stage, in a board room, on a ball field, or across a coffee table—the visual impression you make will either help or hinder you.
You’ll want to change “board room” to boardroom.
Thank you so much for sharing this information. I can tell you that my life will change for the better.
Another great chapter. I think the section that begins, “When components are missing” should not read in the first person. I think it should be stated as a principle, more definitively rather than personally. Also the stat about 77% of people getting news from TV may be accurate for that source, but it sure sounds off. Too much is happening on websites and now Twitter for that to be still true. Maybe broaden “TV” to include computer screens. Lastly – I’ve said this earlier but I think you should ask more personal questions of your reader. In the section about body language: “What does YOUR body language convey to the people you interact with?”
John,
AWESOME!! I can’t wait till chapter 4! I am the Operations Manager for a chain of 16 hardeare stores and I plan to use these tips to better inspire, motivate, and connect with my associates!
Thanks!
Great Chapter!! LOVED IT!! Very timely too. This is EXACTLY what I needed to share with my team as we did our Women In Confidence Forum last week! You helped me really “connect” with the audience as a panelist using your advice and speaking from my heart! Thank you! I know I still have work to do and now I have the roadmap to deepen my connections with those I know and will meet! Thank you!!
Mr. Maxwell, I just included you in a prayer and thanked God for your gifts. If I had to describe your gift in only one word, it would be “Connected”! Thank you for connecting with me and everyone else. I cant wait for the rest of the chapters. It is such a challenge sometimes to connect the right way and at the right time. Sometimes, you only get one shot. With your insight, I will connect more often and just think of the difference that will make eternally.
Connected in Texas!
DS
John,
Another great chapter…….I didn’t read this chapter (3) until Sunday , however, I would like to make one quick comment, before you post chapter 4……As I was reading communicating someone else’s vision, and making it your vision by finding out how it impacts you, the thing that came to mind immediately was, what’s the big picture (whether it’s myself…my goals, values, beliefs, ideals, or company I’m working with)?………and you touched on that a little later in the chapter, by stating what you say, and what you do must be within the context of the bigger picture……
And that’s probably the difference between low achievers and high achievers (from an earlier chapter of yours), and connecting or not connecting…………
Kudos to you John for making a difference!
I look forward to more chapters!
Hooray! Thank you for validating the often underestimated and overlooked, components that are undeniably linked to our personal and professional success.
Here’s a quote I often use when delving into the topic of non-verbal communiation and its impact on our intented messages.
“What you Do speaks so loud I can’t hear what you say.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
What great information! This a chapter I know I’ll be re-reading several times when the book is released. It’s full of incredibly useful insights! Thank you!
I’ve only had time to skim the chapter, but after seeing Grace’s comment I wanted to follow up about TiVo.
The “time shift” technology has changed how I schedule my time (which doesn’t seem to go with the gist of the chapter) but it has changed how I communicate with people.
Between TiVo (and other DVRs), Hulu (and other Internet sites), and BitTorrent communication about “Did you see X” last night has pretty much dried up. While we still talk about TV and movies, it’s not assumed that you saw X or that you would no longer be able to see it.
Anyhow, all of these choices not only change our assumptions about what others watch, but ultimately make us more discerning (?). Not everyone makes the best choices, but with all the available choices media is approached knowing that we cannot consume everything.
I think this will ultimately change the percentages of media that is consumed. For example I used to watch a large number of prime-time shows eating up valuable study and socialization time. Each year I’ve had TiVo, the number of prime time shows I watch has been reduced – I now expect a certain quality and am willing to “save” quality shows to watch later. In addition, the more that I don’t watch the more that I wind up connecting with people in other ways feeding the desire to not watch and free up time…and the spiral continues.
Hope that makes sense, creeping up on the 10PM deadline and wanted to get it out, refined or not.
Thank you for allowing us to interact as you lead us through this literary experience. I have been reading your works for many years, as recommended by my mentor Coach Kocher. I have found solace in your words and many techniques that have allowed me to grow into a leader to be proud of; communicating with those around us is so critical .There are awesome lessons for a up and coming leaders like myself, who have always tried to strive to connect with others but always felt If I knew how, I would do it that much better; thank you for providing that tool.!
I thought the chapter was excellent! However, I feel that the concept of 4 needs to be expanded upon and I personally would love to see;. What People Hear–Connecting Verbally can be more detailed and explanatory; if possible elaborate. .
I believe that Ronald Reagan was one of the 20th century’s greatest communicators and connectors. In addition to his folksy passion, belief in himself and in his mission. As president served the many by connecting.
I think this is a great idea – looking for feedback and comments and allowing others to contribute. Thank you for the opportunity to contribute. I’ve heard you at conferences a number of times.
I loved the story of you in the third grade and the mirror. I thought that was a great example concerning a smile!
I also liked the story of how you went to the manager to ask why you weren’t selected – great learning experience!
When I read the section where you were discussing charisma something came to mind – something I had heard quite some time ago (I believe it was David Gergen who talked about this). One part of what I understood was about leaders and that they should not only have competence but also character(in terms of integrity etc…) etc….
You included a paragraph and story relating to ‘charisma’. You went on to say that “He then explained how people with charisma possess an outward focus instead of an inward one. They pay attention to other people, and the desire to add value to them.”
You then went on to use the term ‘presence’ but seemed to made it a blanket statement that those individuals “…have an unselfish attitude that causes them to put others first. etc…)
It made me wonder – if it can really be said that ALL people with charisma possess that. (That statement seems to imply that.) I don’t think it can be said.
Just because someone has charisma,does it mean that they have an unselfish attitude and put others first? Couldn’t they have charisma and be using it for their own purposes?
In one way it seemed a little similar to the idea of having competience but not the character. ??? Having the ability but……
will be on the lookout for chapter 4…..
Great chapter!
Might want to relate the occupations in the “putting it all together” section to the common person…leading a family, a manager, a community leader. Most readers aren’t looking for a career as a public speaker, a stand-up comic, politician, etc.
This has been a wonderful experience so far – thank you!
I have to be blunt. I have never been a huge fan of your writing. Not because I didn’t think it was good or relevant but because I have an MBA and been in business for a while. So many people have put out so much stuff on leadership, etc. that sometimes your books can sound like the latest flavor-of-the-day in business. [Props to you, however, because you started this "thing" on leadership!] More recently I think you’re getting “smarter”
… maybe it’s because I have been beat up so much through the years in dealing with people that I am now beginning to appreciate your perspective on communication and people. And… perhaps I didn’t take you seriously because many times management ideas and leadership ideas come at us from all angles and it’s hard to discern a clear perspective when you’re in the ditch digging your way through as I have through most of my career. I am now in ministry and I needed to hear that it took you 8 years to find your voice. That alone is encouragement to me because I do believe you are an excellent communicator.
Enough about me. Keep giving us insights on communication, vision, passion, and direction. Those are your strong suit. Dig it out and wash it off so we can see it. This is what is most needed in our times.
Robby
I really appreciate the tips in each chapter. I feel like this chapter gets into the meat of connecting with audiences. This allows me to go back and look at my previous speaking engagements and gauge how well I connected.
This was another excellent chapter. A couple brief comments:
* I thought this chapter did a great job at getting to the point and being concise.
* How does the breakdown of communication play into the chapter? I was thinking you would use the words in italics somewhere else, but I didn’t see many of them (e.g., dispassionate, theoretical, etc.)
* I’m not sure a book ever “possesses” an author, but it should represent the author in the many respects you list.
* If you could add something more about how you can connect to your audience when they cannot see you, it would help with today’s communication challenges in virtual meetings.
* # 4, re the power of words….. you could include something here about the necessity of speaking well, using the right words, and with the right grammar (for the audience, that is). Otherwise, even if all the rest is fine, talking poorly could turn off the listener, and thus, ruin communication.
* This chapter just seemed to end too quickly following #4.
Thanks for letting us help. It is mutually beneficial I believe.
Sharon
Dr. Maxwell,
What an amazing book. When you mention Dr. Hendrick’s you brought back memories of something I heard him say regarding teaching the scriptures. He said, “It ought to be a sin to bore someone with the word of God.” I think this is true especially with the word of God but applicable to any time we stand before an audience to perform. This chapter has already helped me with some training I am doing at my work. I am so excited to read more. (The training by the way was on The 360 Degree Leader). Thank you for all you do.
Before reading the third chapter …..I thought I was a pretty good communicator…..Now after reading the third chapter I made mental notes of some improvement that is needed and the great tips I can use that you spoke on. looking forward to reading the book in it’s entirety.
God Bless!