Connecting is all about others.
ByChapter 2 Synopsis
Connecting Is All About Others
When I began my career as a minister, I was not about others. When I counseled people who were experiencing difficulties, my attitude was, “Hurry up and finish telling me your problem so I can give you my solution.” When I was leading any kind of initiative, I constantly asked myself, “How can I get people to buy into my vision so that they’ll help me with my dreams?” When I spoke to an audience, I was focused on myself and not them. I lived for positive feedback. And my goal was always to be impressive. Much of what I did was all about me, yet I still wasn’t succeeding.
When I was twenty-nine years old, my dad invited me and my brother-in-law, Steve Throckmorton, to attend a Success Seminar in Dayton, Ohio, where I heard a speaker who understood how to connect with people. I sat there mesmerized.
I remember thinking, This is someone who understands success. I like him. But there’s more to it than that—he really understands me. He knows what I believe. He understands what I’m thinking. He knows what I feel. He can help me. I would love to be his friend. I already feel like he’s my friend.
That speaker was Zig Ziglar. And that day he said something that changed my life: “If you will first help people get what they want, they will help you get what you want.” Finally, I understood what had been missing from my own communication—and from my interaction with other people. I saw how selfish and self-centered I’d been. I realized that I was trying to get ahead by correcting others when I should have been trying to connect with others.
What I learned was that connecting is never about me. It’s about the person with whom I’m communicating. Similarly, when you are trying to connect with people, it’s not about you—it’s about them. If you want to connect with others, you have to get over yourself. You have to change the focus from inward to outward, off of yourself and onto others.
And I know you can do this, because I did! You can connect with others if you’re willing to get off your own agenda, think about others, and try to understand who they are and what they want. If you’re willing to learn how to connect, you will be amazed at the doors that will open to you and the people you will be able to work with. All you have to do is keep reminding yourself that connecting is all about others.
Comments on this post are now closed.
“If you want to connect with others, you have to get over yourself.” That one line is worth the price of the entire book if enough of us get that, if I can get that.
I loved the chapter. I loved reading it. I got it. I will use it. I will try to keep on asking myself…how can I connect. I feel as a reader, that’s my job. I do it well and you do yours well too! I’ll keep reading. Great work John. Thank you, Sharri
Dear Dr. Maxwell,
I’m a big follower of yours, and coincidentally a member of CF/RPB. I just found this second chapter of your book and plan on going back and reading the first chapter. I find myself in a situation at this very moment involving a school teacher of my oldest daughter. From my perspective, this young teacher is trying to prove herself, to herself & others, by trying to impress to her students how smart she is, and how much she knows. Unfortunately for her, and more so for her students, she’s losing most of them along the way. Instead of stepping back and seeing what they need, and helping them, she just keeps trudging ahead, sort of like Carlos, and her students are dragging behind, becoming more frustrated. And just like a reader mentioned in an earlier comment, I also would like to know how you point that out to someone who just doesn’t realize it themselves?? I’m not sure you can. This particuliar person does not take constructive criticism well…… and only sees suggestive comments made to her as personal attacks. I’ll keeping reading future chapters, maybe you’ll give me some suggestions. And by the way, I have picked up some really good points that I can apply to my own life. Thank you so much for that!!
I love this chapter! I know so many people including myself who need to learn these lessons. I don’t mean to do it, but when a conversation in a circle I am near gets exciting I want to be part of it. The excitement resonates in me and compells me to speak, but then the two having the exciting conversation in the circle never hear you. Do you try again? talking even more loudly? No, you just stand there, feeling foolish, realizing that no matter that their excitement stirred you into wanting to be a part of it, the best thing you could have done was listen, learn & enjoy it. I enjoy your books John, they help me grow in many ways.
Thank you for this excellent chapter! I recall either hearing or reading the story of the cleaning woman in one of your books or Injoy lessons several years ago. I teach at a Christian college in St. Louis, and one of the courses I teach is “Introduction to Ministry,” a freshmen course. I was inspired by this story and included the same question on the final exam for the course. Much to my delight, most of the students got the answer right! They had taken the time to speak to the head of our housekeeping staff. The central message of the course had sunk in: ministry is all about being a servant.
And by the way, her name is Judy…
Thank you for the wonderful chapter!
It reinforced my understanding of what Gandhi said, “The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.”
Consider to put this quote in this chapter?
Firstly, thanks for all you do. I would simply like to share my heart in regards to this subject. I have been a fan of yours for a long time and strive to embody the principles you share. I work as a program manager in a very large company and could literally spend everyday tucked away in front of my computer because of the workload. I lead teams of engineers in software development for the most advanced computer chips in the world. If you know anything about people who write software for a living, then you know they can be very intraverted. And to connect with them requires a little effort. The principle I employ with them is what Jesus did to reach people and that is to go to them. You’ll seldom find me at my desk, but instead I’m at they’re desk seeing how they are doing and asking what help I can be to them, doing my best to make sure my asking is not just an empty exercise, but one backed up by action. It is amazing how much trust can be built by fulfilling a simple request. Stepping outside of your title and doing small things for your teammates makes a world of difference. I’ve walked from building to building to pickup items for my engineers and pushed through buracracy to buy what they needed so they could continue to focus on more important tasks, I like to take the approach in my line of work that Paul the Apostle took in his…I am made all things to all men by all means that I might win (connect with) some. Running errands and a good listener is what my team needs from me sometimes as much as they need someone to represent them in upper level management meetings. I’ve spent time listening to my team members about their frustrations in confidence and off the record, and I often say thank you for even the smallest things that they have done for me. I work in a weak matrixed environment, where my only power is influence and so connecting is vital to my families livelyhood. I’ve learned that life and death are truly in the power of the tongue and so i thnik about the best way to convey the messages to those around me before I engage with anyone, whether it be face to face, phone, web conference, email, or instant message. I see every word and action as a tool for building, strengthing or weaking the connections between us. Thanks for this platform to share my heart with you, your fans and the world. Your brother in Christ and raving fan.
john, what a powerful chapter. anytime i’ve struggled in my life; whether it be personally or professionally has been when i’ve spent too much time in the what’s in it for me mindset. this so hits home that if you truly help others reach their goals & meet their needs, you’re automatically going to get to that better place. i’m so glad i found this tonight via twitter.
Thankyou for sharing the strategies to connect with others. I gave my comments earlier too in 1st chapter. In my teenage, I did not pay much attention to others (including my mum) while talking to them. I have been “self- centered” al the time. I remember one time, me and mum were talking something important and I was busy texting my friend on the mobile, that really offended her and till today she does not share imp. stuff with me. My focus was on”me”. Right now I’m working and this teaching helps and encourages me to communicate with others, its all about change! I really do not know how to connect well. Your book inspires me to help others and see the outcome, thanks! God bless
Immaturity vs Maturity:
As I am reading this text, I realize this is what I used to do ALL of the time… now I only do it some of the time (thanks to the grace of God). However, I think it is important to point out that it isn’t only immaturity that makes it all about you, but it can be a lack of self-confidence. Growing up I always felt like I had something to prove. I needed to prove that I was enough. As I have grown up and have had some very godly people in my life, I have learned that not only was I immature, but I had no self-confidence. As my confidence in myself grows, my need to prove myself is diminishing. The most interesting part about this for me is that I am a teacher. I have always been able to connect with my students. I have always been told by my superiors that I am an excellent teacher and that my students love me. Yet, because of my lack of confidence I could not transfer this to situations outside of work.
I also need to comment on the fact that I LOVE the toddler property thing… I used to Nanny for a handful of toddlers and it is so true!
I feel like every other sentence is a quotable one!!! This chapter really speaks to my heart!
I also don’t understand Norman Vincent Peale’s quote…
John Maxwell,
You are real!! Just like Shamu…real.
I am inspired by the opportunity you have given your readers to connect in this fashion. I have followed you for years and have eaten up your books and words. You have made me a better killer whale trainer and leader over the years at SeaWorld. You have been a mentor to me. I have been a trainer for 24 years and I have been “connecting” and teaching others how to connect with Shamu for many years. Shamu has been one of my greatest teachers too. When you look into a killer whales eyes, you realize that it is not about you. It can’t be. The connection is made when they know that you are there for them….it’s all about building trust through a loving caring relationship. Shamu is real. You must be sincere and follow worthy to connect and build a relationship with the ocean’s top predator. They are leaders and they respond to strong leadership. The journey I have shared with our killer whales at SeaWorld has shaped the way I interact with people too. As trainers, we always look for the positive and possibilities when we shape new behaviors with the whales. This carries over into every aspect of life. When I see people, I look for the good and see potential. One of my greatest joys is to be a part of building another person’s dream and seeing it take shape. Hanging out with Shamu over the years had shaped me into being a”possibility thinker”. I still say, “can you believe this is my job?” We swim with, play with, and love killer whales for a living. My faith in the goodness of God and this wonderful way He has given me to learn about and practice “connection” with whales reminds me that anything IS possible when you BELIEVE. Ch 2 of your new book is one that I would post on our training board to start the day at SeaWorld. Thanks for teaching us more about the power of true connection. You speak “Shamu” John Maxwell.
Bravo!!
Laura Surovik
Assistant Curator Shamu Stadium
SeaWorld Orlando, Fl 32835
Hi JM. i Just read ch 2 of your book, I’ts inspiring. I use most of your books as my personal leadership manuals. I’ve learned a lot from you over the years. Your books are life changing. be Blessed
Hi John,
I am excited to read what you are currently writing. Connecting with people is important and understanding how to help them goes a long way.
I work in sales and I have been told by a previous employer that I was bad at connecting with people. In reality that was not the case, I had connected well with many clients and strategic partners. As you mentioned in the chapter about immaturity and maturity, this seems like a good example. He always felt threatened by my success but yet he never felt confident in the sales team he established. Prior to being let go, he decided he was going to answer all incoming sales calls because he felt we were not doing enough to close the sales. I was leading in that department when he let me go.
Fortunately, I had connected well with a potential strategic partner that they were already considering me for one of their sales positions. They hired me two weeks later.
Connecting with people never came easy for me, but I learned and I continue to improve each day. I also speak to college students about this, because I want them to start learning about connecting with others before they graduate. It is an added benefit to help them succeed when they finally get into the real world.
Dr. Maxwell,
As I read through chapter 2 it brought back a flood of memories of similiar experiences from my life. I would like to share one of those experiences which I consider to be a “defining moment” from my life.
In the late 1980′s and 1990′s I was a student and later Graduate Teaching Assistant in the Animal, Dairy and Veterinary Science Department at Utah State University. I had the pleasure of learning from and working with Dr. Lyle McNeal. He is one of the few professors I’ve known who is more interested in connecting with his students than lecturing to them.
In 2007 , I was contacted by Dr. McNeal who informed me that he had been nominated to receive the Carnegie Professor of the Year Award from the Council for Advancment and Support of Education and the Carnegie Foundation For the Advancement of Teaching. He asked if I would consider sending a letter of support to the foundation on his behalf. Of couse I was delighted to do so. I would like to share one paragraph from my letter to them that illustrates how I learned the importance of connecting.
“While serving as Dr. McNeal’s Teaching Assistant he made an announcement in class that any student who did not have a place to go for Thanksgiving was invited to his home for Thanksgiving dinner. Several days later I overheard two students from that class talking about that invitation. One of them said that he was offended that a college professor would make such a pretense about caring enough to invite a stranger into their home. He then said that he was very impressed when he later “realized that he (Dr. McNeal) really meant it! I’ve never had a teacher that really cared about his students before” he said.”
What I wonderfull learning experience that was for me.
19-Sep-2009 (1.40am Malaysia time)
Dear John
Thanks for interesting Chapter 2, which I have just read passed mid-nite. I will try to digest more and look into some value added input, jokes, quotes that will useful in your book.
On your immaturity heading toward the end… But maturity does not always come with age; sometimes age comes alone…. I will add this quote to make it more complete “Growing old is compulsory, but growing up is optional”.
I will adding a humor in next comment, which I strongly believed will add value. Just like you mentioned that Jimmy Carter come acorss as “humorless” compared to Reagan…. even Reagan smile I can still visualize as i pen this comment
Cheers & God bless
BH Lim, Seremban Agape church (Malaysia)
19-Sep 2009 (2.15am, Malaysia time)
Dear John
This humor/joke is for sub-heading NOT GETTING THE MESSAGE. Please decide most suitable place to slot in, if this humor get passed your editorial committee.
Pastor John had a problematic church member, James. Each time, he preached a sermon, he would target at James directly. However, James never seem to get the hint. Each time, after the sermon, James would come forward to pastor and said “It was a good message for the people”.
One Sunday morning, it was raining heavily and all roads to the church was blocked. James arrived early, before the flood started and was the only one in church. Pastor was overjoyed and thought to himself “now, I get him..eh..eh.” Pastor preached his heart out. When an hour preaching is done, James run up to the pulpit and hug pastor crying. Pastor try to console James down, but he said “pastor… your message…your message….your message is so good, IF ONLY THE PEOPLE WERE HERE TODAY.”
I hope you like this humor for your new book
Warm Regards & God bless
BH Lim, Seremban Agape church (Malaysia)
John,
Connecting to people has risen to my top priority with respect to my interpersonal relations just shortly before I found out about your new book. The timing of this book on your blog couldn’t have been better; and of course, the information is invaluable. The “Dear Speaker” speech in the Ego section is phenomenal, and really drives home the point. Thanks again!
Munish
Practiced “connecting” all day at work. Substituted for a high school teacher at a charter school. It worked! One young man testing my authority became my experiment: he wanted to argue with me; I asked him to do his work quietly many times. Finally I said that if he needed help to let me know. He said, “How can i when you told me to be quiet?” That was my opportuinity to “connect” or let him know I was there to help with his classwork. It took him totally off guard! You know he waited 5 minutes outside until I let him back into class and I didn’t have one promlem with him again. In fact, he was very respectful towards me asking me if he could do this or that! True.
BTW If I come to something I find a bit dry or uninteresting when I read, I just skim. I must say I find your speaking ( and the chapter I read) engaging. And just beacuse some may not be interested, it is no reason to omitt. Let the Holy Spirit guide you, as you have been. I just love Him!
Although you can always improve the chapter, I believe you have already make an awesome impact to those who read it. What a briliant chapter! Keep up the good work. God bless you and your team.
As one who remembers you in the “early years” I could connect with your early sentiments as those of my own as well, even yet today. Thank you for reminding me of the servant’s heart that is necessary to be an effective mover of people.
John,
I’d read the chapter 2 and I loved it!
I live in Brasil.
I’m doctor and work with people every day. Connecting with people make the difference with the patient. If you don’t connect with the patient but you are a very good doctor, the treatment don’t go so well!
I’m seeing in my work, where I’m a ombudswoman , that the troubles and demands between doctors and patients is caused by don’t connecting each other.
I think that you are a very,very…good writer, and this book will be a spectacular success!!
Thank you!
19-Sep 2009 (2pm, Malaysia time)
Dear John
On the sub-heading “A MATTER OF CONNECTION”, I have a visual pictorial illustration, which is funny and carry across the fundamental message of connection. I strongly believed a picture is better than a thousand words
I have filename the jpeg as “a matter of connection (maxwell)”. I will forward it to Stephanie email as there is not attachment option in the blog here.
Hope your editorial committee will like the humorous pictorial to be included in your new book.
Cheers & God bless,
BH Lim, Seremban Agape church (Malaysia)
Three Questions People Are Asking About You.
Do you care , Can you help, Can I trust you . This is very true. Unless these questions are answered, the listener would not connect with us no matter how hard we tried.
My wife had a liver problem , there were a few options to solve the problem. We were referred to a liver specialist – I instantly accepted the idea of having a liver surgery as during the consultation the specialist showed care and concern , he was experienced enough to help solve the problem ,and we trusted him that surgery was the most appropriate option. The liver surgery was a success and my wife is recovering well . Praise the Lord .
John,
I’m a huge fan of you and many of your books. I haven’t read everyone one yet, but it is on my list to read them all. So far this book is “on par” with the rest of them to provide an amazing value for everyone who reads and applies it to their life. I too for many years couldn’t see past myself and questioned “why am I not growing?”. Because I wasn’t providing the quality of service to a higher quantity of people. I think this book will help many (me included) be able to communicate more effectively with the people we serve in order to find out what they really want and help them achieve it.
Thank you
Tracy
John,
I’m a huge fan of you and many of your books. I haven’t read everyone one yet, but it is on my list to read them all. So far this book is “on par” with the rest of them to provide an amazing value for everyone who reads and applies it to their life. I too for many years couldn’t see past myself and questioned “why am I not growing?”. Because I wasn’t providing the quality of service to a higher quantity of people. I think this book will help many (me included) be able to communicate more effectively with the people we serve in order to find out what they really want and help them achieve it.
Thank you
Tracy
Dr. Maxwell,
I first want to thank you for the opportunity to CONNECT with you. You have personally blessed my business venture and the Beautiful Bold Believers (MK) that are changing lives through your input in my life. High points in the chapter for me were the following:
CONNECT, FOCUS ON OTHERS,
ADD VALUE, How can I help you? The most important Language in the World is: MY Customers Language
Get off my Agenda — Try to understand what others want —
People who want to really help people do this naturally.
Love your stories: I am visual and I when to Machu Picchu by video and totally related to your experience as I watched and reread about the disconnect with the tourists and guide — This was a powerful opening on so many levels.
Loved the story about Nabi and Peter’s Gloria Jean coffee from the US idea to the Australian Model: great coffee where’s the seats and food.
That example speaks to the need for connecting and diversity which is much needed. I am amazed at how much disconnect happens because we are culturally disconnected and unwilling to even acknowledge it.
Yet, We are in the People business of serving………… (if we want to be successful) love this by Nabi Saleh.
I was most encouraged by your story regarding connecting with your publishers and getting future book contracts.
You connected by thinking as publishers thought and was able to produce a plan of action for them and ten new ideas for us in the process. I am excited about what these Connections have done for you.
As we speak I want to tell you that as a writer I am encouraged to take these same steps today and focus on solutions for the women and children and families I serve. Blessings and thanks for all you do.
Wow! I love the first two chapters! Cant wait for the next!
I didn’t realized how different communicating and connecting is from each other.
The first chapter made us realize what separates good people from great one-their ability to connect to people.
This chapters make us realize what prevents connection. More often than not its pride; thinking you’re the most important person, what you have to share is what everyone needs and wants to listen to. Nothing could be further than the truth. Whats important is knowing the audience seeing/feeling where they are coming from. This opened my eyes to areas I need to improve on
Wow! Great chapters looking for the next!
God Bless You John!
Dear John,
Thanks for the interesting chapter.
Good insights right from your opening story of Carlos.
Just a few comments from me regarding this paragraph:
“I’ve known many teachers and speakers who possess that mind-set. Every conversation is about them. Every communication is an opportunity for them to demonstrate their brilliance and share their expertise.”
Being a lecturer myself, I can identify with what you said. Although you have identified 3 reasons (immaturity, ego and failure to value everyone) for that, I think a deeper reason (especially within the context of public speaking) under-girding their immaturity and ego-centredness is INSECURITY, especially for new speakers. I can remember the first few times when I am asked to speak: I was literally shaking. When the speaker is insecure, he will want to seek the approval from his audience. And the more he wants to seek approval from his audience, the more engrossed he is in his own self, and how he can impress others, and as a result, he is more likely to fail to meet the needs of the moments.
Communication is very fluid and dynamic. I can speak on the same lecture many times, but each group of audience has its own expressed and implied needs, and the dynamics of the communication would be totally unique and different.
Sometimes it depends very much on whether the speaker can “catch” the non-verbal cues being signaled and transmitted from the audience. A joke may sound funny to one group of audience but it can be not funny or even offensive to another group. For that reason, I believe jokes can never be re-cycled. We cannot tell the same joke in the same intonation, the same manner twice. For that matter, sometimes I find prepared jokes to be very artificial. Jokes have got to be spontaneous.
Another problem I find as a barrier to “connectedness” with audience is Power Point presentation. Sometimes power point presentation can paradoxically kills the spontaneity of the communication. Power point presentation can be a friend or a foe. I find it to be true with many speakers (and myself have made the same mistake too) that we speak for the sake of speaking. We are obsessed with the goal of finishing off the many slides we have prepared without really thinking whether the audience can understand the meaning or not.
Different audience will have different attention span although a common rule of thumb would be no more than 45 minutes. For that matter, nowadays I am no longer dictated by my clock or by the number of slides I have prepared to know when to stop talking. I take it that the first audience member who yawns as a sign that I should finish off and wrap it up soon (usually to take 15 minutes or so although that is not a hard and fast rule).
John,
I came to this page through Twitter, which I joined about 2 days ago. I am “Following” 100+ people, and have nearly 100 “Following” me. My best, broad-brushed, summarization of Twitter so far is that everyone is talking, but no one is listening.
I am part of a network marketing company and am trying to use social media to meet new people on the internet. I have been working on Facebook since the beginning of the year, and have found that the majority of the people could care less about my opportunity or the services we market.
People do care if I spend some time to get to know them…their interests and their dreams. From those conversations a friendship is born, and from that friendship a business partnership may evolve. And even if a business partnership does not evolve, I have met a new friend…which is of far more value anyways.
Roscoe Thompson
Hi John, I got it. The information shared in the chapter was on point. The examples conveyed your thoughts in a meaninful way. Thank you the opportunity to comment. Thank you for your Servant’s Heart.
John, You are such an inspiration and this chapter and this book will be yet another yearly read for me I’m sure! As a speaker I’ve unknowingly given value to others no realizing what I was doing! I’ve even had some really big named female speakers be rude to me and tell me “Your too loving and sweet, I’m not like that I’m strong and not weak”
Well it came John from many years of fighting a sevear illness, haveing two major surgeries one being very disfiguring for a young woman, dropping to 81 lbs, loosing my hair and almost dying twice. It was in this dark places I lost “Me” and God took me, as I asked Him to and created a heart for what really matters! I began to “see” my husband and two little son’s as the precious people they were! I began to so appreciate the Doctors, nurses’s and caregivers as the valiant who fight disease daily and many would say coming to see me was the highlight of their day… Yeah, Right… Some little 20-something year old with grey skin, balding head who’s condition was continually worsining- I don’t think so… It was simply how I chose to love them! Thank You for this chapter as it seems to have empowered me to BE WHO I AM and not hold back of the unconditional
Love that was birthed within me in the darkest of times! It was all about me before the illness that attacked me and I was a professional controller with life in perfect order but it was exhausting and Lord help anyone who messed it up… I’m so thankful God got in and messed it up!! When I came to the end of me then I was able to surrender and let Gods love flow through me!
You are amazing John and I’ve seen you at ILM and with the Geralds who are great friends! You inspire us like no other and your a legend in our liberary and much of our speaking and leadership
Reflects what you’ve brought to the world!
Many Blessings to you and Dorthy and I hope to meet you personally one day!! I’m writting a book now and maybe I’ll send you a copy.
Many Blessings!!
LaCinda Bloomfield
PS. I’m writting on a small screen with minimal spell check- yikes!! (I can’t even scroll down to reread so probley best not to post : )
Nice work! I would suggest looking at a writing that I discovered in the book “Bridges Not Walls” (edited by John Stewart). The writing is titled “A Teacher’s Approach” and it is only in the older editions of the book (not in the current edition). It is written by a professor from Harvard but I forget his name
The work is about teachers who truly listen to students and who let classroom discussions take on a life of their own instead of insisting on sticking with a predetermined “lesson plan” . I read it years ago and as I teach it still sticks with me today.
Hi John,
This chapter reminds me of a friend of mine named Greg Kapp. I call him the walking “How to Win Friends and Influence People”. He is truly one of the most masterful people I have ever met in being able to connect with people! I have marveled over his capacity to connect with EVERYBODY around him for the 10 years that I have known him. Whether he is speaking with 1 person or 20,000 people!
One of the most interesting things about him though, is not only his ability to connect with others, but how that connection attracts others around him to the conversation. First of all… he greets all of his friends with a hug, and you can see, even in the biggest, toughest guys, that they look forward to the hug on the way! On probably hundreds of occasions (no exaggeration), I have seen him start a conversation with someone, and in the course of the conversation, he will notice something in somebody nearby, use them as an example of what he is talking to the first person about, and enroll that new person in the conversation. Before you know it, there’s 40 – 50 people excited and involved in the conversation as he scans the group and involves them by learning about them and using their examples!
I think what makes this so impressive is not only his ability to do it, but more how much he TRULY CARES about the people around him! Every time I see him engage with people, he just poars out his love! I have NEVER met anyone who can say anything bad about Greg. What I have noticed most about him is that he’s one of the happiest people I know, and a magnet for positivity! Not only do I feel great when I am around him, but it’s a reminder and an inspiration to be a better me! He reminds me that I can do so much more to care about those around me, look for the good in EVERYBODY, and spread that love throughout the room. Thank you Greg Kapp for being a mentor, a friend, and an inspiration!
Thank you John for giving us this forum… just by reading and understanding the messages above will help us all, but remembering those around us that embody these principles, I think, help us to realize that they’re possible for us to achieve!
Thanks to all who have contributed!
Shawn Villalovos
Thank you so much for the years of writing, counseling, empowering, leading and birthing from your heart. I present leadership training workshops and my focus is on “servant leadership”. Everything that I use comes from you and Chuck Swindoll. Thanks for the mentorship!! I pray that God will continue to use you in leading His people into their PROMISED lands!
John:
Thank you for answering the call to lead –
Communication is all about relationship. No matter where you are in life, you will always have to communicate with someone; whether it is your boss, your wife, your friends, your family, or your tour guide. Most people do not learn how to communicate, so they just go from one relationship to another trying to get their needs met; rarely connecting with anyone.
Relationship takes time, it takes insight, and it takes understanding, in good times and in bad. It’s work, but it’s a labor of love and it keeps us connected to one another. Let’s face it; we all need someone else to be successful; you made that very clear in this chapter. We are one body. If there is an amputated limb; there’s no blood flow. If there’s no blood flow, there’s no life.
You don’t have to teach 2 year olds to say “That’s Mine.” They come out that way. What you do have to teach them is to communicate in relationship.
You said something that rings so true when you said, “He made me believe in myself.” Everyone needs you to believe in them – exhort them and care about what they care about. That’s why when Zig told stories; the word of the testimony brought relationship and in turn brought an inner connection. Let’s face it, when you earn someone’s trust, you have earned the right to communicate with them. The hardest thing to do is earn someone’s trust. However, when you do, you have the ability to change their lives.
When I read your book “Put Your Dream to the Test,” you said something in that book that I say everyday. “I’m not like all of them,” Once I trusted your experiences, I trusted the relationship. Once I trusted the relationship; I felt connected to you and your beautiful communication!
Running to Win,
Daina House
I am so grateful for the opportunity to share in this experience and to have the association with such an incredible leader and man of God! I thank God how he uses others to put a jolt in us at times. This is one of those times for me. My most successful and rewarding times in life has been when I was serving others, ie being that servant leader. Thanks John for bringing that back to the forefront and making me put my eye back on the prize. I look forward to each week’s chapter. Many blessings upon you and your family.
Great chapter, John!
What you write about connecting with people reminds me of the picture of charisma someone once shared with me.
The one who has charisma is NOT the one who walks into a crowded room and declares, “Here I am!” Instead it is the one who walks into a crowded room and exclaims, “There you are!”
Great chapter, Dr. Maxwell. FYI, I just saw you live at Christ Fellowship Church and seeing your Dad speak and pray was awesome. What a wonderful legacy.
Back to chapter 2. This is great and I totally believe it is God inspired. If God cares about the things that are important to us, shouldn’t we care about what’s important to others? Thanks for writing what’s in your heart and from your own experiences. You will never know how many lives you have touched. May the Lord Bless you as you continue with this book.
You are Loved!
Twyla Allen
Georgetown, TX.
John
I enjoyed reading chapter two, it really drove some strong points through on connection. This is an area I along with my staff have been working on, not only within my staff but I now use connection questions in my interviews to help us hire. I look forward to the rest of your chapters.
I have read many of your books for my development in business and I alway get something from your books. Thank you.
John,
I liked the first chapter, but this one really grabbed my attention. The Zig Ziglar quote is great, “If you will first help people get what they want, they will help you get what you want.” As a coach and teacher, I need to constantly remind myself of this philosophy. This quote sums up building a relationship. I see many colleagues (other teachers/coaches) who feel the subject matter is more important than the student. Knowledge is not more important than the student. People will remember more about how you make them feel vs. what little subject matter you present. “Forget about me and what I know, and focus on we and what we can do together.”
“It’s the little details that are vital. Little things make big things happen.” -John Wooden
The little details of connecting with others can produce big results.
Thanks again for the oppotunity to read and comment.
Ryan
John,
I have followed you on the one adventure we call Life through many of the books you have written and this one so far is looking just as indesipensible as your other works. It is so true that connecting is an integral part of connection! Your words brought an old memory from bible college of a guest missionary who spoke in chapel one time. He said, ” when you speak, the listener might not hear your words as you intended, we can say one thing but our audience is hearing something else.” I say this much about the matter, to make a dream come true we must make a connection between the vision and the followers heart. if not no one will really follow.
John,
I have followed you on the one adventure we call Life through many of the books you have written and this one so far is looking just as indesipensible as your other works. It is so true that connecting is an integral part of connection! Your words brought an old memory from bible college of a guest missionary who spoke in chapel one time. He said, ” when you speak, the listener might not hear your words as you intended, we can say one thing but our audience is hearing something else.” I say this much about the matter, to make a dream come true we must make a connection between the vision and the followers heart. if not no one will really follow.
The first chapter was great…What Happened????
I am enjoying the sneak peak. I have always been one to shake the gifts under the tree and these sneak previews are providing the same pleasure while keeping me excited about the actual book release.
Just kidding
This chapter has so many applications all across the board of professions and relationships. I’ve always been a fan of your books and this one is not disappointing!
John, Good stuff. I know that you are a great preparer when connecting with others, so I can imagine some of your frustration with the tour guide. Connecting is critical. Your three questions to ask sound a lot like the Lou Holtz questions from Do Right…I know you have connected well with him over the years, too!
When connecting with others, it is vital that they get good feedback from you. If you truly connect with others they will feel good about themselves. They will like what they see, because you are the mirror that reflects what they see in themselves. We reflect either acceptance or rejection. When others look at us, they are looking for affirmation. Many times when we look in the mirror, we are checking to see if we look good. The same thing happens when others try to connect to us. They are looking for the mirror to reflect a smile, something that connects with themselves. You can connect to others with a genuine smile, and caring. Conversely, if offer a cold response, we have reflected rejection. When others look to you let them like what they see, because ultimately they see themselves in what you reflect.
This was a wonderful chapter!
I love this quote:
“You can connect with others if you’re willing to get off your own agenda, think about others, and try to understand who they are and what they want. If you really want to help people, connecting becomes more natural and less mechanical.”
All of the people I admire throughout history (and of course my ultimate hero Jesus Christ) have made selfless connections with others as often as they can and as positively impacting as possible. Lives poured out without reserve.
Thank you Mr Maxwell for making your wisdom selflessly available in this medium, thus not only modeling selflessness in what you communicate, but also how you make available these life altering truths for free. Let’s hope we all learn to live lives poured out!
Without connecting, a relationship is very difficult to nurture. So connecting is one of the key elements in relationships, and in leading others. To connect we have to listen. Not just hear, but actively listen to others. Then we must not only understand the words, but also the emotions behind the words. When we can understand the words and the emotions they were delivered with, we have laid the foundation of connection.
John,
Great 2nd chapter. You are right, how can you connect with someone if you are not willing to put youself in their shoes with a heart for caring and help. If that person don’t trut you, the chances of them letting you put on their shoes is very slim. Looking forward to the journey through the rest of the book. Peace and blessings.
Jack
John,
Zig Ziglar’s great, isn’t he?…….I’m sure you heard this one, “It’s attitude, not aptitude, that determines your altitude”………goes along way with connecting with people too, but I guess that’s kind of implied, because if you have a good attitude, more people will want to work with you, or be around you, and help you succeed, in business, as well as personally…….I’ve experienced it before.
Got a chuckle from the cartoon, especially after Michael Jordan gave his Hall of Fame speech, in which he shared a story about a conversation with an assistant coach, and stated, “there’s an I in win”…….If you didn’t see the speech, you have to check it out on youtube.com…..It’s classic, and if you’re a basketball fan, you’ll love it!……
I like your comment about, “to succeed in life, we must learn to work with and through others”……..so true! Also, I’d like to add, by stating, “we must learn to work with”, instead of “for” really emphasizes a sense of ownership, pride, respect, responsibility that demonstrates we’re not just going through the motions.
I like the focusing on the benefits example too…..If you’re not focused on the benefits, you’re not focused on the person……Different features appeal to different people………Goes along with having an eye for the big picture too!
Great example with Gloria Jean’s. It illustrates the importance of the “human touch”……..I once heard something to the effect, “business goes where it wants to, however, it stays where it’s appreciated”, meaning repeat business.
And thinking like a publisher is an excellent example of someone who’s got an eye for the big picture………..It shows you’re (and I’m not just referring to you John) thinking like an owner, instead of, as “just an employee” (I’ve heard that many times, and I cringe when I hear it)………….However, I’ve also worked with some employers (low achievers), who for one reason or another it seems don’t want you to think like an owner, but just act like a robot……… Here’s a gem from Warren Buffett, “I always picture myself as owning the whole place. And if management is following the same policy that I would follow if I owned the whole place, that’s a management I like”—-Warren Buffet, “Warren Buffett Speaks”, by Janet Lowe.
This chapter is such a blessing. The struggle I have in teaching is greatly addressed here and by God’s grace, I will amend my system according to it. It’s such a shame to realize my mistake in having a great deal of focus on self. Thank you for making me realize this and for pointing out the area not just in my personal life but also in my professional life that I need to work on. God bless.
The importance of chapter like this cannot be stressed enough. One of the most crucial components to becoming a better person, leader, father, mother, etc…is developing a sense of respect and humility towards others. While this lesson is not new, it all starts with becoming a better listener. I have just begun to start mentoring younger guys on my college campus and this chapter only reinforces the ideal that God has been placing on my heart. Great mentors are great listeners. But you don’t have to be a mentor to be a great listener. By being a listener you create trust and can strengthen any relationship.
Dear John,
I am an English teacher in Lima Perú. I fully agree with your non-teacher centered definition of connection and real bonding between teachers and students.
I wrote an article in my blog that is called “THE DNA OF A GOOD TEACHER” and I found in this verse the highest standards and bonding tips of a great teacher that connected with the people: Jesus.
John 10:11-14 “I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep. The hired hand is not the shepherd who owns the sheep. So when he sees the wolf coming, he abandons the sheep and runs away. Then the wolf attacks the flock and scatters it. The man runs away because he is a hired hand and cares nothing for the sheep. I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me.
1.- The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep.
2.- The hired hand abandons the sheep and runs away.
3.- The hired man works just for the money because he is a hired hand and cares nothing for the sheep. (PRETTY MUCH LIKE CARLOS IN MACHU PICCHU!)
4.- The good shepherds knows his sheep and his sheep know him. (Good shepherd feeds the sheep with good food, he loves the sheep to its destiny)
Nowadays, I’m kind of battleling to change that teacher centered methodology, to make the students produce and even reduce teacher’s talking time, maximizing student’s talking time.
Finally, the teacher is not anymore the star of the class. Is the student who has to be now the star of the class. Which by the way, will maximise teacher’s leadership.
They do the job, and we get paid!
I have a video about how incredible was for me to become a leader inside the classroom just by letting them become the real stars of the classroom, following Jesus teaching tips and oh boy, I reaped tons of love from them.
You can see my video here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1_T8_2JMbV0
May the Lord bless you and keep you Mr. Maxwell. Thank you for all the books you have written, which have helped me to win with people, grow not as a positional leader, but as a functional one (Even 360 degrees!)
Regards and blessings from Lima-Peru
Giaco Higashi
Thank you again for the opportunity to preview your new book. It is such a perfect topic for today’s times. Here are some comments I hope you will find helpful:
* Your opening sentence is really powerful. However, I am struggling with it. If you are saying the experience was ruined (because of Carlos), then you seem to be placing the blame for it being ruined on someone else. Bad communication, in and of itself is interesting because it opens up the idea that failed communication can produce very adverse
results (perhaps you discuss this idea later in the
book?); normally I think of failed communication as not producing results at all. It seems to me that this story of Machu Picchu (which sounds like a great place, btw) could have illustrated the connections you and your guests had with each other, thus salvaging the trip. Instead, it sounds like you are blaming Carlos for it being ruined. It sounds like Carlos was a terrible communicator and connector, I agree. However, if you can focus less on how Carlos “ruined” it (when it was your choice
to view it as “ruined”), it might be better. Just
one more quick comment about the Machu Picchu story – it is beautifully written but seems a bit wordy. It is helping you paint the picture of the place, which is great, but if it could be pared back a bit, I think it might be better.
* After Elmer’s philosophy, in the paragraph which starts with “Such people miss….” I’d suggest starting the second sentence with “In contrast, good teachers…..” or something similar to help the reader switch focus from the poor – to the good communicator.
* I really like that you are providing examples from your own life, and how you learned from the experiences.
* I loved the Toddler Property Law. However, it is not really about communcation and connection as much as it is about being the center of the universe, so I question whether it truly fits.
* The point about only mature people being able to truly connect is one I am not sure I buy into. I have seen many kids be able to connect with one another. So, it is not just age-based maturity that helps a person be a better communicator. Certainly I agree with the idea that people need to fight against naturally selfish attitudes, though.
* The story about Gloria Jean’s is a great example of connecting to your customers. Very powerful idea.
* I think you should substitute “being” for “become” in this sentence “It goes from being something that you merely do to become part of who you really are”.
As a side note, would it be possible for you to
provide a list of all the chapters in the book? That way we could better understand the context of the chapter we are reviewing in relation to the whole book.
Thanks again. Sorry for the long-winded comments.
Hey John,
Applause!! Applause!! Another Best Seller by far!! I am so happy that you are best friends with the “Old Master” (laughs) Zig Ziglar.
You are all on my twitter and FB and I am so truley honored. Reading the chapters in advance is a beautiful experience, but the comments that follow? WOW!! It’s like being in an auditorium with the greatest of minds, and everyone has input. Thank you so much for sharing, and I hope these are in the back of the book!! Be well and GOD Bless!!
Hi John:
Well, this chapter definately made me think. and has inspired me to do some reworking on my own life.
The subtopic that really resonated with my experience is the portion discussing the idea that leadership has to do with focusing on others and not on oneself. A true leader in essence serves others for a greater good No one cares what you do or what you say until they know how much you care and help them achieve their life goals. My focus has always been to help others but lately I not focused on helping others, or shown that I care about what is nagging them, this we can change and must if we are to be great leaders.
Thank you John!
This is EXACTLY what I needed to hear. Thank you! My mantra is always…how can I help you? My goal is to be your personal problem solver. However, after reading this chapter I realize I still have a lot of work to do. Particularly with being devoured by the “yeah but..” monster. Yeah but, I hope the audience will like my, Yeah but, do I look just right….etc. I still get lost in my head of mental head trash and lose sight of my true passion. How can I help you? This chapter has most definitley helped me to remember to just be me and practice what I preach. I have stood up and moved out of my own way with this chapter! Hugs & High Fives
Well I have finished reading that chapter, JOhn let me hand it to you now it was excellent. Your notion of killing self is absolutely necessary connectivity. When it comes to connecting we must be willing to give others the benefit of our interest. What I have found over my years of connecting that I just hurry through conversions or meetings with out building that necessary bridge to the other person. John I do thank you, going forward I will give that necessary attention needed to connect
I almost feel like the part on “Ego” should be deeper. Alot of people I connect with in and out of a church setting have an ego about them. It’s what holds us back from doing so much. Most of the time, what is holding me back is myself. But my ego blinds me from seeing it. But when others speek into my life, they are able to show me how my ego has blinded me to reality. Can’t connected with blinders up. Ego is a huge blinder.
Awesome stuff so far!
Here I am in Denmark – Sunday night, and by chance I have just been reading Chapter 2 – and is moved by, that this can – and in relative “easy language” – make a different to the mankind – if we will read it and get it!
– “I tried to connect with Carlos”
- just nails it
- there are so many Carlo´s – and Carlo´ines – including me – a women that feels the truths in chapter 2 – Max Bless!
John, I’ve admired your work since discovering the ‘Young Reader List’, online at http://www.johnmaxwell.com/readinglist/.
I was looking for someone who understood the importance of having a good attitude to help students through my website. You certainly do with your book, ‘The Difference Maker: Making Your Attitude Your Greatest Asset’, where you say having a positive attitude will make a great difference to your kids life.
If I could add anything constructive to your second chapter I would say that parents should concentrate on teaching their children to listen to others, try to learn from others, interact with interest, and use this knowledge to help others find answers if desired by those interested. A suggestion to a solution might work, as opposed to advising against someones will.
I also believe we can only connect to those who allow us to. We cannot force friendship, nor simply be a helper. First we need to work on ourselves to become better people with a healthy positive attitude. That alone takes commitment, and we all owe it to ourselves to become better individuals. Better means more aware of everything around us. More concerned for wellbeing, and loving firstly towards our own family, and then unto others. Contribute on a spiritual level by regarding everyone as equal regardless of predicament, and show joy when meeting others, and happiness to be given the opportunity to be alive.
A while ago a wise teacher told me that in order to communicate better we must look for other´s people values and then communicate our values in terms of their values.
Communication is an art, thanks for sharing and expressing so wisely many ideas.
Regards,
Mariana.
Hi John,
This book/chapter is very meaningful in our “high tech” world of not connecting one-on-one. My heart’s cry is to find a balance between conntectedness with people, sharing my life and resources, and maintaining things as a good steward/servant of the Lord.
I’m library media specialist in an elementary school. We have a diverse group of students, which includes a large group of ESOL students. I read books and tell stories to some kindergarten children that don’t know my language. I love my children and try desperately to connect with each one as they sit in “active listening” during our storytime. Almost every visit they hear me say, “I love to know what you are thinking. How are you making a text-to-self connection with this story?” I get so excited as the hands go up! Wow, tell me what are you thinking? Ofcourse, my disappointment is different because of the age of my patrons. However, just last Friday I watched and listened as one of me little Ukraine girls raises her hand with a bright look on her face. Tell me sweetheart, what were you thinking as I shared this story titled, My Librarian is a Camel? Thinking she’s from another country and the story is about how many children around the world are given books from a camel, boat, elephant or even a bicycle as a book mobile. During this time, I’m using the teaching strategy so easily with wait time as I’m genuinly interested in this super answer.) She finally finds the words: “My mom broke her arm.” is what she says. Oh wow, was I duped!! Praise God I always have the Holy Spirit with me to pour out His mercy and grace. She wanted to know that I cared about her home life. This is the kind of ministry that is so needed when adults and children are in survival mode. Hopefully, after hearing all the other children’s responses she had the light-bulb come on. If she didn’t, I’m still going to hug her and ensure that she is safe and understood in my library.
I love it! I’ve read a few of your books but THIS one…I believe will resonate with me more.
One sentence that is a takeaway for me: “Similarly, when you are trying to connect with people, it’s not about you—it’s about them”
I think that we’re caught up in different ways of doing things, the “quick-informational-product” the Social Media “Follower/Friend Count” our “Time Value” (although important can be misleading) and the array of tasks that we forget to CONNECT.
Your “Do You Care?” topic reminds me of a recent experience. I saw someone that I’ve interacted with a few times, learned a lot about her business, and was about to become a client…until she called me by a different name. Then she said, “I’m sorry let me think on this..” This is after a few interactions. Well, if she couldn’t remember who I was, I wasn’t sure whether she would be able to remember what kind of help I needed for my business.
I love the examples you gave in the book; particularly the example about Nabi. It helps me understand how to connect the dots as a reader.
Can’t wait for the next chapter!
Hi John
First of all …what a great idea to have input from all over the world in the middle of writing. And on top of that, using twitter. For an old guy, you are still dancing to the new tunes. ( I have no idea what that meant. I am old too so i thought i would sound relevant)
2 things:
1. you refer to Abe Lincoln as the 15th president. I think he was the 16th.
2. Public speakers, pastors, etc. often do struggle to figure out how to be authentic and come across as caring. Sometimes, as they prepare, they are thinking totally about the topic and not about presentation. I think it’s a good idea for communicators to consider creative ways to help people see the “real” side of who they are, so the audience can see that it isn’t ALL ABOUT THEM.
So they need to do what you are doing here. Allowing people to help them do that. Andy always has done well at that. He has let me interrupt him and in fun ways make light of him so that people see he doesn’t take himself as seriously as his subject and his audience. You have allowed for that to happen at Catalyst over the years. When “fun” and “conversation” and creative input can be used to show that the communicator’s ego isn’t threatened, then the barriers often drop allowing the audience to hear and see with a different perspective.
John, we are currently working on a program titled Co-Creating Conversations. Your info in this Chapter is right on especially for sales people. We all can get so caught in what we want and need we forget the real focus-the other person. Great information. If more people learn to connect and communicate, we will have a better world.
John, Wow, This is awesome. As I read the chapter, I was able to connect personally from my own experiences. The content is solid with good examples . Looking forward to reading chapter 3.
Great chapter for everyone….but especially for those in business for themselves…and pastors! Sometimes I feel like the only value I have to them is that I have eyes & ears to see and hear them!
A poem that came to mind soon after I started reading was one I learned as a small child:
“I love myself, I think I’m grand!
I go to the movie and hold my hand.
I put my arm around my waist,
And when I get fresh, I slap my face!”
Easy to laugh at, but I guess we all act that way at some time or another!
Just a note on Carlos….I couldn’t help but wonder how many travelers try to “buddy up” with him in order to gain a better tour for them self or their group. Maybe he’s given up trying to figure out who the ones are who genuinely care about his life. Anyone in a service type job probably comes across more people with an attitude of “what can you do for me” than not. I would think that could wear a body down over time. Your comment, “I’ve found that we usually have a better experience if I get to know our guide and he or she gets to know us.”, which I’m sure is true, could also be interpreted as your showing interest in light of what you could get from him.
There were two places that really rubbed me the wrong way. The first was the reference to an American as being arrogant for asking the language question. While the answer the Japanese gave was most excellent, why would asking the question be deemed as arrogant? It seemed like a fair question to me – and an overall put down to Americans in general, that we are all arrogant and think everyone should speak English. The second place, much like the first, seemed to be a put down to the U.S.A. (and thanks to our current President, I’m more than tired of put downs to my country.) The guy with the new business in Australia said he followed the U.S. model, which as you continued reading communicated a failed model. When I first read that story, because my feelings were already a little raw from the earlier American put down, I took it to be a general comment about how business is (poorly) done in America. After I re-read it, I did take the model to mean just the Gloria Jean coffee shops in the U.S., but the damage was already done. I had a hard time concentrating on the rest of the chapter because I was “miffed” at the negative American and U.S. comments.
A thought about connecting as a leader…
To lead and train Shamu the killer whale we must approach with ‘confident humility’. We have confidene in the connection or relationship of trust and love built over time, but remain humble knowing Shamu is a killer whale and we are frail falible humans in comparison. It all about the relationship. A trusting sincere connection matters most.
Thanks for continued inspiration and teachings on leadership. I am anxious for your new book.
All the best,
Laura Surovik
SeaWorld
Just a quick post in case you close before I finish a re-read and comment on the 170 inputs so far. My first read of this chapter was completely satisfying and I would be happy with it as is. Anything else is the icing on the cake – that said I will come back if I make it. As it is 9.53 Monday morning in New Zealand I already have some grace extended! Thanks for the great work. Love Laura’s insights – hope Shamu makes it in!
I loved this chapter. I got so much. It did leave me with a few questions and maybe you’ll address these in the rest of the book. Your Carlos story, you attempted to connect and he wasn’t having it. When it’s a co-worker or team member you are trying to connect to and they aren’t having it – when do you walk away? (In this case you may have to let them go) What’s the responsibility of the other person? Will you discuss being open to connection? Just curious.
WOW! Mr. Maxwell, as a Toastmaster and learning to be a better communicator…this chapter has opened my eyes to the “Art of Communication” – “Connect” and “Care for People”. I will recommend it and send it to all my Toastmaster buddies via Twitter and Facebook. We will be discussing this one…
The flow is very good and others have pointed out many things that do not need to be repeated.
Thanks for connecting with us via Twitter…
great chapter…so much to chew over!!
Connecting with others adds a link to your chain and a bond to theirs!
Dear John,
This chapter reminds me of an experience I just had with one of my friends at work. You see, my friend Lara Lee is an exceptional performer. She is extremely talented at her job but most importantly she has mastered the art of connecting. One day as we were walking to our offices two gentlemen walked by us and she greeted them stating, “Hi guys, how is your day going?” Truly amazed at her authenticity I asked her, “Lara, you know they totally think you are joking right?” She asked that I explain so I did…I told her that many times I have the same experiences where I genially say hello and a couple of other sentences to people and they just get caught off guard. Now a days people just don’t expect you to care about them and how they are doing. I mentioned to her that she sounds almost too good to be true. Isn’t that the case for so many? People just don’t really care about others. I believe that is why she is so good at connecting just the same. Even though she may not capture everyone, some she does…and when it happens…WOW, it’s a miracle to watch people be so in awe of how much she cares for them.
I really like the example you used of the girl and the quiz about the cleaning lady. I believe that everywhere you go, everyone you meet has the ability to change your life. You just never know what they will teach you.
Thank you for this chapter!
Dorina
Thanks for the chapter.
What I appreciate most – after the content – is the gentle and gradual way you are shifting people’s framework and beliefs. It appears to me that you are building something from the ground up and that I’ll be thrilled to see the new structure in the end.
Can’t wait for chapter 3!
Oh John, you have got me thinking today. Thank you for that! I think many of us, especially those of us in a leadership role often forget the real value of connection. All to often we look at it as; What can I do for you, or even worse what can you do for me. But the real value of connection is neither of those. The real value has much more to do with; what can we accomplish together that neither of us could accomplish alone.
John,
Brilliant work once again! You are incredible!
Beth Hovekamp
John, WOW! this chapter is so right on time. There are a number of people who communicate but don’t connect. This is something I am myself am learning. People do want to be helped instead of being sold to. I am a Mary Kay consultant and we learn that when we are talking or working with people, to interact with them as though they have a sign in their forehead that says ‘make me feel important’ and think this is the crux of it. People want to feel important, loved, and not taken for granted, which can happen if we are the focus instead of those we are connecting with. Thanks for your gift!
This chapter alone is worth the price of admission. IT’S NOT ABOUT ME! Amen, brother. Simple, undiluted self-absorption is robbing the Church of its power and people of their success…spiritually, personally, and professionally. Relationships rule, not rhetoric. Excellent thoughts on one of America’s most critical faultlines.
Aging doesn’t always equal maturity but there does seem to be some pivotal points for folks. As I got older it was my observation that one gets what I call “powers,” a few more each year and every 5 years or so, one gets significant powers. So generally quite naturally one grows out of the “me first–it’s-all-about-me stage.” I also note it can be accelerated with a good spiritual base and intentional spiritual growth. Or, by getting some leadership from someone like John Maxwell.
Recently, I started a new job at the age of 50 something. Frankly I know I am up for the job and can help get things on track but it’s not possible to come in without learning the culture and history, connecting with people, so that they too want to bloom along with me. Heavy handed, do it my way, because I’m smart and know lots of stuff, won’t work, can’t work, and really isn’t a great way to build integrity. I think integrity is key, desiring to have integrity and willingness to build it, is all about supporting others, getting to know what they need, and following through.
Your books have always blessed me. Thank you.
John,
Thank you very much for publishing this chapter. What I was thinking about as I read this was that we’ve all become a little more the stars of our own movies as we connect with others less. Technology has allowed us to communicate without connecting, and many of us just don’t make the time to care. While I have definitely experienced those that care nothing about others, I also recognize that tendency in myself. I realize that my trigger is stress and feeling overcommitted. And, I understand that neither are excuses.
Carolann Jacobs
http://www.vividepiphany.com
Wow, you have nailed it. We live in a time where true loving kindness/connecting is unfamiliar to people (at best) and often seen as unnecessary & too time consuming. However, let me share with you that I remember almost every kind word that has ever been spoken to me and every kind person that has ever taken the time to connect.
As a music teacher, it is important that I connect with my students in order for them to connect with an audience. I have also noticed as a musician, that whenever I connect with the music and not with my own ego, the audience shares in the experience. A musical experience can be lost when the musician focuses on himself and not on the music because the audience loses out on the experience of sharing the moment.
Hi John,
I love how you are asking for input from everyone! So far the first two chapters have been amazing! I have taken a lot already and are starting to apply them! By opening it up to people’s comments you are connecting with all of us and making us feel apart of this book! You are putting into practice exactly what you are writing about! I am very much looking forward to the next chapters!!!
I agree with the thesis of this chapter completely. Thinking of others’ needs first is an excellent way to communicate, persuade, and earn influence quickly; I also believe it is something that can differentiate you from many other leaders.
I have moved around to several different offices within my organization, and I have utilized the technique of putting others first with great success and impact. Whenever I enter into a new office as a leader/manager the FIRST thing I do is take time to schedule a one-hour meeting with each of my direct reports. During these meetings I keep the conversation very light and completely focused on the employee. I ask about THEIR background, family, hobbies, strengths, career goals, and what THEY would like to see improved in the organization. I steer clear of any corporate propaganda, and performance or management issues; I leave that subject matter for later meetings.
The meeting serves two purposes, it allows me to learn about each employee’s unique needs, desires, and skills, which can be invaluable later on; and it demonstrates my commitment to putting them first. The latter reason is why I schedule these meetings as soon as I take the reigns of an organization, the longer you wait, the less impact the meetings will have. These meetings also serve as a great way to take the “pulse” of the organization.
Depending on the size of the organization, the time necessary to do this can be substantial, but I believe that the employees realize that and it only adds to the impact. If it is unreasonable to meet with everyone, I believe meeting with a sampling of employees would also be advantageous. I was once asked by a leader of a sister office how I could spare so much time to meet with my employees, I simply said that I made it a priority. I believe as leaders, our time cannot be better spent than by effectively communicating with those whom which we lead.
Good evening, I wanted to make a comment on chapter one that I thought about after you pulled it from your blog page. I don’t really get the relevance of the story about the bank robber and the Texas Ranger, it’s a cute story, but I do not believe that it hold any real value to the chapter itself. I know it confused and distracted me wondering how it fit with the rest of the chapter. Okay that’s it for chapter one.
Chapter two was great; I enjoyed reading and plan to read through it again in the next coming week. I love the story about Carlos, your guide for Machu Picchu and I started thinking about my circle of friends and family and I put some of them into categories that follow.
The waiting-for-their-turn-to-talk-type, these people seem to be concerned with themselves, which goes alone with the maturity category you talked about. With them the conversation is really one sided. They aren’t listening to you they are formulating their next fascinating story in their head while you are filling the silent void with your mindless dribble. This is easy to spot, it usually the person who jumps topic so randomly that you wonder how you got on the subject to begin with. This is especially frustrating when you’re trying to communicate something of importance seeking their opinion and they start to tell about the weather in Belize.
The I’m-listening-just-so-I-can-lecture-you type, I’m sure you know these people, they seem to think they are God’s gift to humanity and that only God Himself imparted wisdom to them and only them. When you speak to them they take bits and pieces of your story and link it up to similar stories that they read in self-help books. The three big issues I have with this type of communicator is first, by only listening to certain pieces that they can link back to something they’ve read they’ve missed the context of what I was just told them entirely. Second, the advice that they never seem to follow their own advice and third people don’t want to be lectured all the time, and that’s usually the M.O. that these people seem to have.
The one-uppers, classic individual, if you have one, they are two. I think that the only way to talk to these people is to just simply let them have it. It would be an exhausting conversation to truly question all of their statements. I think the best one I heard was from a gentleman I used to work with and we were talking about buying farm fresh eggs and he actually made the statement, “Well, I got fourteen in my dozen…”
The excessive talkers bombard you with most of the time pointless information or details that drowns out what they are actually trying to communicate. By the time they’re done telling this quick little story it’s an hour later and you have no idea what they just said.
Straight forwards, I personally love these people. They don’t hold back what they’re thinking right or wrong they throw it out their and they own their statement. Several of my friends are like this and I appreciate their complete honesty with me and in turn I try to be completely honest with them. If we disagree on a particular subject we at least know where stand and avoid the topic if need be.
I’m-still-normal-listen-to-me’s, this usually happens with someone with a lower self image for whatever reason. They are always interjecting comments randomly into the conversation that draw attention to everyday things that people do. They want everyone to know that they are up to date with that show that everyone watches or that their kid is doing with every other kid is doing. I know this might sound a little odd, but I’ve noticed this trend and one friend and it seems to be centered on their child’s disability. Their need for normality pushes them to let everyone know that they’re doing normal things too.
These five categories that I’ve put some of my friends into seem to classify some of the people that make it difficult to connect with in a conversation. I’d love to see some chapters deal with connecting with difficult people, maybe throw in some do’s and do not’s. Either way, keep it up I like what I’m reading so far.
As I read this chapter as an editor, I kept adding questions to the text that would allow the reader to process the main points more personally. Especially with the content of this book – connecting with people – I think connecting with the reader would be accomplished by asking questions that would allow them to reflect on leadership they’ve experienced, both the giving and receiving ends.
Specifically, in the “Do you care for me” section you could ask questions such as “Have you ever truly felt cared for? What did that feel like? How did you know you were cared for? Have you ever felt a false sense of care, like the leader put on a nice face but didn’t really care for you?” Reflective questions towards the reader would allow us to connect with the text on a more personal basis.
Dr. Maxwell, it was 1 year ago today (Sept 20, 2008) that I was given the opportunity and privilege to meet you the night you spoke at a special dinner at TRBC in VA. That is the night that my life was changed…because you took the time to VALUE me and connect with me. God orchestrated such an amazing series of events — down to the tiniest of details that not only brought you right to my feet in order for me to HAND deliver a very special letter to you about how you impacted my belated husband (a letter that took me over 3 years to write and had ironically JUST been completed), and dare I say “ironically” again, on the very day that my husband would have been 45! I hope you also remember that impactful day, as I have not been the same ever since! I feel blessed with a new boldness and desire to share with others how truly amazing and powerful our God is; that even in the worst of situations, He can shine if we allow Him to. And, why do I have this new desire? Because YOU cared enough to take the time to connect with me, little ol’ me! And what you wrote in “my” Maxwell Leadership Bible (which had been a Father’s Day gift to my husband many years ago) has stuck in my head, “Jill – God has great plans for you! Trust Him” – I cling to that and I DO trust that God will use me to connect with others like you connected with me that day. THANK YOU for responding to me as you did, and for impacting me in a way that has prompted me to want to carry the torch!! Yes, connecting with others can truly change lives!! We all just need to remember it’s NOT about us, and to quote from one of my favorite books of yours, “…to be all I can be, I need to help you be all you can be.” Thank you for connecting with me, Dr. Maxwell!
Very good chapter.
I found the very beginning part of this Chapter about Carlos the self-centered disinterested tour guide.
I used to work for a self centered pastor and found him to be very similar to Carlos. My boss/pastor would only interact with people who were rich or could provide a free service to him (repair his car, fix his house, install flooring, etc.) or play golf or fantasy football. He would “help” the poor, but only when someone of influence was watching. He worked me to death until I couldn’t work anymore, yelled at me, and degraded me.
I’m sure that Carlos is still a tour guide just as this guy I know is still a pastor. I was never able to connect with this pastor other than to avoid his wrath and stay out of his way, just like the tourists avoided Carlos.
No matter what you did, you couldn’t connect with Carlos. No matter what I did, I couldn’t connect with this insecure pastor. “If” they read your book and recognized their shortcomings they could perhaps change. However, I’m wondering if your book will address connecting with self-centered people in authority?
What do you do when you can’t connect to people who you need to connect with? You’re someone who people look up to. I’m someone who works as a secretary. More often than not I am like the person who people seek out to do a task, but never connect with me.
I hope you book addresses connecting across social barriers and glass ceilings.
Communicating with others is more than a one way conversation. When you’re speaking to an audience What is your main focus? and when you are done can you say you hit the target? Most communicators fail to hit the target but think as long as they get close it will count. You should aim for the mark every single time. The more time a marksman with an arrow stays and focuses one point the easier it is to hit it. Don’t be in a hurry..take your time. Look at the target. Move forward with all you have.
This chapter is key!! As a sales trainer in the financial industry one of the things I always try to get across to my team is to: be interested, not interesting! You did a great job explaining that!
I enjoyed Chapter 2 as is. There is nothing that I would change. I’m sorry that I didn’t get a chance to review Chapter 1.
God Bless and Keep you.
[...] Technorati Profile ← Connecting is all about others. [...]
Great Chapter, love the ME cartoon!
Mike Parker – CRS
What an awesome truth.
I was a young man in my early 20′s. I heard a great speaker deliver a very inspiring message. I was so excited and moved. I waited in the crowd and finally got to shake his hand and tell him how much I enjoyed his message. I never will forget he didn’t even look my direction, he just kept going on to other hands and it seemed it was all about him and not about others. I was not important or at least that was the impression he gave. Now I know better but we never know how much just a glance and a “thank you” can make in a young person’s life. You have made that difference in so many lives.
Your friend in Alaska,
Alan Humphries
John, I believe your message is poignant and timely. You cover all the bases. If I could support you and add value to this, I would say that to really connect, you’ve got to be willing to be vulnerable. Not necessarily “mushy”–at all–just vulnerable–revealing who you really are in an effort to REALLY see who the person is you are wanting to connect with. In other words, you must be open to truly revealing yourself. In your story about the publishers, you describe how you took the time to think about what they might ask you. When you told them (exactly what they REALLY wanted to know, by the way) they were overjoyed–not just because you were able to give them what they wanted, but I believe you were willing to “GO THERE” with yourself. You could have been afraid to reveal the upcoming books you wanted to write. You could have even had trust issues come up, but none of that happened. You opened yourself up to their criticism not just of your ideas but of whether you had any more books in you. That’s being courageous, unafraid, and vulnerable. I hope this adds value.
After watching John on Saturday night during a Web cast from Christ Fellowship church, something hit me. This author is going deeper as he writes this latest book.
For over a decade I have followed John C. Maxwell. I have learned so much reading and listening to him. I have been sent to corners of myself, my leadership style and my teams I never thought I would be standing in. Yes, I have enjoyed the master of leadership.
Today, I feel more connected to John than ever. As I watched him weep Saturday night, as I watched him in awe of his Dad and as I saw him hug his dad, I connected in a way I did not see possible.
To me, connection is to say, “I am human.” I have always thought John was human, now I know it.
The best part of this new book might be that, at age 60, John C. Maxwell might be connecting on a whole new level with his audience.
We love what you do, John. God Bless you and your family, especially your 88 year old Dad.
I really enjoyed the tips about effective communicating. The story to “Speaker” from “Audience” really pointed out some great insites on how to effectively communicate… what to do and not to do!
Also, I enjoyed the transparency of how you were early on in ministry and speaking. It is was great to hear some of the “thoughts” you had….. ie: Why isn’t anyone following ME…. why aren’t people listening to ME… etc. – Then the segway to having the opportunity to hear Zig Ziglar was great… “When you help enough people reach what they want, you will get what you want.” – Key to remembering that the KEY is serving and helping others!
Thanks John! Read it on my Blackberry while on the road. Praise God for technology.
Mr. Maxwell, I am in awe of how much I see that I have failed to connect sometimes. Those letters really struck to me to my core. I am glad I have not gotten to a point where I have “my dreams shattered” before I realize my selfishness. Deep down I think I knew I was being selfish, but didn’t know how to fix it or change my behavior. I am excited about this book because I feel like this is part of the medicine I need to be “get over myself” and be a true servant deed and in my heart. Thank you so for allowing us to preview this book!