Connecting increases your influence in every situation
ByChapter One Synopsis
Connecting Increases Your Influence in Every Situation
Maybe there was a time when people could succeed in life without communicating effectively with others. I tend to doubt it, but if so, that time has passed. It’s not enough to just work hard. It’s not enough to do a great job. To be successful, you need to learn how to really communicate with others.
Haven’t you ever gotten frustrated in a presentation because you weren’t able to communicate your ideas as effectively as you wanted to and people just weren’t getting it? Haven’t you ever wanted to help your boss understand how hard you worked and how much value you add to the company so that you could get a well-earned raise or promotion? If you have children, haven’t you wanted to get them to listen to some of your wisdom so that it would help them make good choices? Haven’t you wanted to improve your relationship with a loved one or make a positive impact on your community? If you can’t find a way to do that, you will be unable to reach your potential, you won’t succeed in the way you desire, and you’ll be forever frustrated.
So what’s the secret? Connecting: the ability to identify with people and relate to them in such a way that it increases our influence with them.
The good news is that connecting can be learned. How do I know this? Because I didn’t start out as a good connector at all. I had to become one the hard way – I watched great connectors and did what I could to develop skills like theirs. I made a lot of mistakes along the way, but I kept improving.
If you are facing connecting challenges, as I was early in my life and career, you can overcome them with connecting choices. My goal for this book is to help you develop the communication advantage by learning to connect with every kind of person in any kind of situation.
I believe that almost everything we become and all that we accomplish in life comes as a result of our interaction with others. If you also believe that to be true, then you intuitively know that the ability to connect with others is one of the most important skills a person can learn. It’s something you can begin to improve starting today. This book will help you do it.
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Great book at the right time. I am looking forward to read more. It is needed in this internet age where every one talks about internet, email, facebook , video games etc.. It is so true that personal touch can not be replaced with technology. Thank you for the brilliant idea to write the book. I definetely would like to learn more about connecting with people.
This information is an inspiration, an innovative and intuitive approach.
I am looking forward to gleaning insights from upcoming chapters.
I enjoy the aspect of connecting with people. I have always felt that everyone I meet is an investment in my life. Not all investments have been positive but my life is enriched by every investment. Each one has formed the person I am today.
Thanks
Thank you for allowing a sneak peak into this book. It could not have came at a better time. I am a nurse and just recently accepted a supervisory position. I work at LeBonheur Children’s Hospital and our organization has adopted the principles of Jim Collins Good to Great, (I notice you mention him often.)
I have learned a lot from your audio tapes. I drive an hour and a half one way to work, so I use that time to learn leadership skills. I have listened to Running with the Giants, Thinking for a Change and A Rise to the Top…(not many audio tapes out there and my CD player doesn’t work). I listen to them several times to catch the points I may have missed the first time. I have been able to practice many of the techniques and have seen a difference in only 3 months of leading. The unit I work on is very far from being a “team”. I accepted this position because I wanted to make a difference and help the associates become a team. I had no idea how I was going to do, but God did. He will use us, you and me, to unite this unit. Because you are willing to share what works, others can benefit.
I am glad I only get to see one chapter at a time so that I can absorb it and have time to implement changes. I am also working on my Pediatric Nurse Practitioner License and know that these skills will be extremely important in my practice. Thank you once again and I can’t wait to share the results with you.
Hi, Dr. Maxwell!
What a privilege to participate in your coming book! Each one is always a treasure.
Two thoughts came to me as I read this chapter:
1. As you close with “Almost everything we become and all that we accomplish in life comes as a result of our interaction with others,” I am reminded of the quote of Abraham Lincoln, “All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.” Too many today proclaim to be self-made. However, we truly are standing on the shoulders of giants. By connecting with those of the past as well as those of the present we enable ourselves and those around us to make a difference. Therefore, our current life as well as our legacy can serve as a connection to others.
2. This also reminds me of the old quote “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.”
Also, will you be addressing those who communicate and connect genuinely versus those that communicate and connect for their own agendas?
The second paragraph of the chapter (with the 16,000 words/day fact in it) is very thought provoking and challenging. It made me want to read the chapter (and coming ones) carefully to make sure I learn to use my words to connect and make a difference (versus idle chatter).
Thank you again. Looking forward to Chapter 2!
Didn’t like the start. Felt the Bush bash was way too harsh & unmerited. & Obama is way too new & fresh to deserve such praise.
I feel Bush’s begining was very good & he was a great communicater – yes, the last year or so… was sour. Yet, let us not paint with such a wide brush! Do not taint him so as history will change – as time tells all truths. Laura is (first lady) one class act! Hillary is brazen & haughty ~ she will also be found out – just as Obama’s true colors are coming to light, right now. I’d stay away from these political ‘hot buttons’ ~ and go with more dignified examples of our past… say George Washington and Jimmy Carter?? (LOL) Will come back to read the later – too late for me now. Hope my comments help & aren’t too harsh. I love you in Christ, John! I’m the one who had you autograph 12 books for
Christmas at Royal Palm, and attend every leadership conference and bought every book too. Keep up the awesome work. You are my friend & I’m yours too.
If you want to connect do it now!
What a wonderfully innovative way to intro a book! Thanks for allowing your readers to be active participants in it’s development – an obvious connection right there.
I, too, have asked myself what it was that I was doing “wrong” or even simply wondered what it was that I wasn’t doing at all in regards to being successful in certain areas of my life. I think this chapter was the “lightbulb” for me.
A few years ago, I had THE most amazing job as an Administrative Assistant for a real estate office. The communication on all levels was so effective and all of the connections so genuine that the synergy was palpable.
It was at this job that I was introduced to your works, specifically “The 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership”, “The 17 Indisputable Laws of Teamwork”, and “The 17 Essential Qualities of a Team Player”. The office took the video/workbook workshop in groups and everyone came away with something new learned and something more to offer. I was so inspired by it that I ended up conducting some of the workshops and I’m not normally a group leader/speaker!
With that said, and in having read through the other readers’ comments, I too have some questions that I’m curious to know whether they will be addressed in future chapters.
1. Janet George (#29), Jana (#84) and Bethany (#103) raise a valid point, and a concern that I share. What do you do with/how do you identify someone who is attempting to connect for their own edification and not because they have a genuine interest in me/another person? Just as importantly, what if you KNOW someone whom you suspect as operating in this manner?
2. Ruth Demitroff (#33) – as did several others – mentioned the “wow” factor of the book/bookshelf/library analogy. I consciously try to “be the best person I can be everyday” and try to govern my actions by asking myself prior to putting them in to motion whether what I’m about to do fits that motto. I don’t know if I’ve been paying as much attention to my words in that manner and I thank you for stressing that importance.
3. Peter H. (#85) questioned the substituting of real friends for FB (or other social networks) friends. I, myself, do not and save but for three or four individuals on my “friends list” are all people I actually know/have known in real life. And, as a result of social networking sites, I have actually made genuine connections/re-connections that have blossomed into real life friendships or rekindled ones. My BFF I actually met on CafeMom, and much like the woman who was instrumental in tying her neighbors together, I reached out to her as she was isolated and fairly new to the area. It can be done!
4. Which brings me to Milton Solorzano (#90) who told us of the 11 yr. old girl who seemingly counts her MySpace, Facebook and Twitter friends as “real”. It is a very sad testament to the way things are today for our youth and proof positive that it is of the utmost importance that parents be sure to not only educate, but demonstrate the difference between that and true connections. As the mother of 16 yr. old twins who are up to their necks in all of it – plus online gaming – I’ve had to fight the battle a few times myself.
5. Lastly, about Jennifer Miskov’s (#99) question about personality lending itself to the “ease” of connecting – I believe it does. I am an ENFP by Myers-Briggs analysis (www.myersbriggs.org, if anyone is so inclined) and definitely feel like making genuine connections easier than it would be for others. I also agree wholeheartedly with your standpoint that it CAN be learned.
I’m sorry for the excruciatingly long post. Thanks again for the opportunity and I definitely will be following this! I’m actually an aspiring entrepreneur and have started engaging “fans” of my FB page by asking for their feedback during the development phase. It’s not catching on like I’d hoped, but I’ll keep trying to connect!
Hey!
Great First chapter and I loved the prologue! In fact you really connected with the phone call illustration!
I am from India too so that went great! I have followed up on many of your books, tapes, sermons and you are right when u say that leaders need to connect; leaders touch a heart b4 they touch a hand! In fact I love the title of this book too; I think truly one area where people lack today is the ability to truly connect with someone else. Especially in marriages! So many are breaking up today because of that.
Only the first part, I think its a great illustration on the US Presidential history; although I do think you went in a little deeper on that. I did have to take a little time on understanding that bit.
The part with your history was really excellent!
I also think about where you talk about attitude; the illustrations, did u take them from your older books? I remember reading them! But somehow it didn’t seem to explain the attitude bit that well.
I think all the rest was too good! As usual the regular John Maxwell style! Waiting to read chapter 2!
Amazing one more thing, your courage and confidence in letting us read through this b4 it actually gets published! Really admire that!
More talk isn’t the answer……
As a professional speaker and coach, I specialize in teaching leadership teams to work more effectively, by utilizing the strengths and blindspots of the group as a whole. Much of this is driven first by helping people identify their own style of communication and connection – as well as a snapshot of how this fits with everyone else around the table. I’m always facinated by the groups that have complete agreement on strategies and initiatives – but through communication breakdown, fail miserably. It is tremendously rewarding however, to see people ‘flip their switch’ – have an a-ha moment – recognize how communication is often the issue – not the topic being discussed.
I’m reminded of a team session I was facilitating in Kansas City a few summers ago. This particular group (there were 15) was the executive team of a large real estate development firm. The COO was a kind man, smart, cool under pressure and quite discerning. Unfortunately – others didn’t see him that way – but felt rather that he was stiff, uninterested and ‘unavailable’ during group discussion. The poor guy – I felt sorry for him. I had participated in a number of phone calls with him in preparation for this session, he felt misunderstood and didn’t know how to change the perception. I decided to set him up a bit during a particularly challenging part of our workshop. I asked him for his feedback on a rather complicated scenario. He sat quietly for several moments (painful and looooong moments for the rest of us!). He then carefully explained his opinion in exactly three sentences. Each well crafted, each extremely accurate. I waited. Nothing. I said, “Is that it?” He replied, “I’m out of words.” The room hung in suspense – wondering how the faciliator would deal with a pending embarrassment. I burst out laughing and said, “Dear One – my husband would absolutely drop to his knees and thank the stars if I came home one day and announced I was out of words!” Everyone burst out laughing, including our dear COO. It was a wonderful moment to be authentic and transparent – he took the bait and ran. He went on to explain that his wife and kids wished he’d talk more – and his co-workers started to chime in on their similar opinions. We used that moment to brainstorm ways to bring him out during group conversations, and it was the start of a wonderful change for all of those folks that day.
Mr.Maxell – you are on my dreamboard this year. I’d like to meet you somehow – and according to my board – it should happen sometime prior to March of 2010! Thanks for the opportunity to weigh in on your book. It’s a lot of fun, and I’ll look forward to chapter 2!
Great chapter. I do think this sentence should be reworded: “He equaled Reagan’s ability to connect one on one as well as while looking into a camera.”
I love the analogy of a nuclear power plant disconnected from the grid. Very apt.
Hi John,
Thanks for posting this. I’ve found two possible typos.
The first is in the following heading point.
“3. I Wanted to Make a Difference Not Just Know About the Difference”
I believe there should be a comma after the word difference, since there are really two parts to that sentence. That would make it flow better. I think it should read like this:
“3. I Wanted to Make a Difference, Not Just Know About the Difference”
Secondly, I also agree with Patty in comment #10 that “direction correlation” should be “direct correlation.”
Just my suggestions. Thanks again and can’t wait to read more.
Love the concept (both of the book and the forum) I thought this first chapter was a great intro to this disscussion. I will be interested to see in what direction you take this especially when it comes to new media and technological advances when it comes to connecting – As you briefly said in this chapter there has been an explosion of “social networks” IM’s and forums but does that equate to more connectedness?
Looking forward to subsequent chapters.
John:
Fantastic. Love it so far, I’m a musician who studied public speaking in College becuase I knew it would matter. Glad I did.
The one thing I found myself doing most of the first chapter was wondering what your definition of “Connecting” was but it came much later in the chapter. Maybe move that up earlier? So that your perspective is defined early on as you discuss the potential value and pitfalls of communicating well or poorly.
Looking forward to chapter 2
Good afternoon, John. I have a copy of almost every book you’ve ever written, sell them in our bookstore and recommend them often. This new one looks like a winner. I’m also impressed with the way you are getting input from your tribe. You asked for suggestions so here are mine: The opening about communicators focuses on Presidents. When I think of great communicators I don’t normally start there. I was just wondering if you should broaden this opening with other examples/illustrations of communicators. Second, one of the quotes you shared from Margaret was that years ago “you bragged too much.” There are a number of statements in this first chapter about you. I know you don’t think it’s all about you. And I don’t think you want it to sound like it is. Finally, the listing at the end of High Achievers, etc. Is there a way you can make that flow better. The information is great and with a couple of small tweaks would be terrific.
I remember when hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans that I felt very saddened by the people of Louisiana. I felt compassion. Then I worried that I might have friends who live there that might need a place to stay. Remembering that the friends who were native from New Orleans were stationed in Hawaii, I said to myself, “boy, I’m glad I don’t know anyone there.” I felt a sense of relief knowing that I didn’t have to worry anymore. I sent money, like many Americans and others from around the world did, out of a sense of moral obligation.
It wasn’t long before I went back to my daily routines and forgot about what the victims of the hurricane were experiencing on a daily basis. About a few weeks later I received a call from a local Crisis Pregnancy Center in which I did volunteer work for, asking me if I could drive to New Orleans to deliver Diapers and Baby Formula. I accepted the task and began the 14 hour journey into the north part of New Orleans. As my companion and I drove into the hurricane devastated area and began to feel something that I had not felt before: Identification. I began to discover something about the victims of New Orleans that I had not been able to do via television: that what I was driving into was REAL. From afar, it seemed as something from a movie.
Once we arrived to deliver our supplies; my friend and I decided we would drive around and see, first hand, the magnitude of the devastation. We drove into a neighborhood and saw a couple in their late fifties emptying their house of water-damaged items. We knew that the city did not have electricity or running water, so we pulled up next to their house and asked if they could use a cooler full of ice, sodas, water and fresh fruits. As they walked to the van, I could see tears on the woman’s face. They had obviously been working for hours and the heat were wearing them down; but not as much as the despair that hung invisibly upon her shoulders. We stayed with them for a few hours, listening to their story. We helped with what we could, but by the time they knew they needed to quit, before the sun would set, my friend and I felt the same overwhelming feeling of despair they felt. The work was overwhelming, the resources were few, and their strength was wearing out. Inevitably, we all hugged and wept in each other’s arms. Words were not necessary. The connection was made the moment my friend and I began to identify with them.
As we drove away, making our way back to North Carolina that very evening, my friend and I continued to weep silently for the next two hours. The only sound that broke the silence and carried us in thought the rest of the journey home were these words I uttered: “I no longer can say that I don’t know anyone in New Orleans. For today I have left behind family.”
It isn’t the compassion that moves us to give, or to say something encouraging that makes a genuine connection. It might meet their immediate needs, but it will not keep a lasting impression. It’s the willingness to identify with people on their level, in their situations, in their culture, and sometimes, even in their language. Identification will automatically lead to connection. It is that identification that will give our words an ear that is willing to listen. (It is because of Jesus’ identification with my infirmities and acquaintance with my grief that I am readily willing to listen to what He has to say to me.)
This is my story and I pray that it will help you. This is how I have been able to connect with people.
I look forward to chapter 2! Great Job!
“Wow” seems a somewhat generic response to an incredible chapter! However, it is what comes to mind as I finish reading. I have a short attention span but, not only did I stick with it, I was captivated. My mind has a habit of reading a few sentences, finding some great inspiration and then being distracted as I write a chapter of my own in my head, before returning to the book. This time I read all the way through in one sitting with none of that! In part this because it is one of my two favourite topics, but mostly because the writing flows so well! Can’t wait for chapter 2!!
There were a few typo’s here, but I will mention them in a separate post because I have a story to share….
My family always joked that out of 16 kids I was the ‘spokesman’ for the family. Starting at about age 10, I was the one who would talk to every salesman or Jehovah’s Witness who showed up at our door. By the time they left our home, I would have them questioning their own product or religion, while still developing a friendship with each individual. To an extent this was a natural gift, but it was further developed as a survival skill in our home.
Raised in dysfunction and brutality, I witnessed a lot of physical violence, even death threats, as far back as I can recall. However, I personally suffered less physical violence at the hands of my parents than most of my siblings did, which is not to say that I am not scarred by the memories. To this day I am told I was a spoiled “Daddy’s girl”. I never saw it that way and didn’t understand why my siblings did because it wasn’t’ that my father spoiled me by giving me gifts that they didn’t receive. In hindsight I see that he treated me different emotionally. Chapter One of your book helped me recognize that it was because of my communication skills. I connected with my father’s heart.
As a child, when Dad would say he wanted to talk, the sheer terror of what he might do to me would grip my heart and I physically had to resist the urge to run from him. I would smile and ask questions, then listen as he told stories of his childhood – stories that were filled with the same terror I had of him. These ‘visits’ started in my late preteens and continued until I left home at age fifteen.
With an understanding of the child that lived inside my father’s memories, came the ability to influence him. Several times during my teen years I was able to negotiate with him, preventing acts of violence, and later in life this understanding opened doors to healing.
When I was 21, my father was arrested and placed in a secure psych ward and I was the only family member who had the courage to go spend time with him. Again we spoke candidly, connecting at a heart level, about his childhood and what had led him to that place. Never did I endorse or justify his actions, in fact, he allowed me to question things that no one dared to confront. By appealing to the inner man that I knew was lost behind the violence his defences disappeared and he told me things that were incredibly vulnerable. When I left him that day, I gave my father a hug for the first time in my life.
Eight years ago, when my father became very ill at age 71, I drove 146 miles several times a week, to sit by his bed in the hospital. My husband and I were expecting our fifth child and this gave opportunity for us to talk comfortably about taboo subjects like pregnancy and parenting, which led to him reminiscing about his parenting skills. My father asked for forgiveness for the years of abuse and violence he had inflicted on his children. He wept as he spoke blessing and honour over my husband and me for choosing to give our children a loving and stable home.
A year later, when he was battling an intense fear of death, I knew I had won his heart and his trust when he called me just to share that fear with me. I encouraged him to cling to the truth that he was a forgiven man and let go of the other voices.
It is the only time in his life that my father shared such a personal struggle with me and it is the greatest honour he gave me. Several months later my father passed away and as I stood beside his grave, I kneeled down and rested my hand on his heart. My only regret was the time that had been lost, but that regret faded into the realization that I had connected with Dad’s heart.
Again, Chapter One is wonderful! There are a few typo’s and one or two syntax issues that I’d like to share for your consideration.
“And as Carter made a case to be reelected, he…” (should it be: re-elected)
“He equaled Reagan’s ability to connect one on one as well as while looking into a camera.” (Comma after “one on one”)
“His inability to connect, alienated people before his performance as president did.” (I would suggest a comma here to make the sentence more readable & easier to understand.)
“It perhaps reached a nadir in (the) response to Katrina.” (Here I would suggest taking ‘the’ out and if anything put in ‘his’.)
“I am convinced more than ever that that good communication…” (“that” is duplicated)
This is my kind of book and if Chapter One is any indication of what is to come, everyone should read it because everyone needs to connect! Thanks for sharing this with us. The thrill of reading it before it’s in print is especially exciting!
Trudy
Great start John! Your transparency and passion for drawing out the best in others is evident in every word! I cannot help but feel that if I was truly a “Subject Matter Expert” at a particular topic and did not have the ability to connect well with people, my expertise would not reach its full potential and quite possibly be of help to no one. Thanks for all you do John, I appreciate you, Terry
John, you’ve got me interested and wanting to read the next chapter(s). As I read ch 1, my thought was…Ford, Carter and Bush are used as examples of people who were not successful. However, they all rose to be presidents of the US. Most people consider that to be successful. Were they connecting before, and then lost it. Or is connecting not really so important after all. They were all high achievers or they would not have become Presidnet.
Thanks for this opportunity to preview the book.
I will wait for your book. I love to read it I really love to see it soon. Thank you very much.
Reading this chapter on connecting makes me think about opportunities to brighten someone’s day and raises my awareness so I can make it a part of my success strategy.
What a great book! I can’t wait for chapter two. I want to learn more about connecting. I could get along well with people, but I am not a connector. Three times a week I took my son to his preschool. While waiting for him, I usually sit with other moms and talking with them. We do enjoy our conversation, but none of them I could call “friend”. I saw there was some group of moms. I mean when they want to go somewhere else before the school ends, they would go with particular moms. I always become the one who received the good- bye waves. Recently I realize this condition and I realize that I was lack of friend. I want to change and more open to people. I hope your book will teach me to connect with others. Thank you.
John, I wanted to share an observation and a story.
(1) On your use of President Obama as a model of a great communicator, you might want to be aware of Bert Decker’s recent re-assessment (at bertdecker.com): he suggests that “President Obama is no longer the premier communicator – which is remarkable as he was elected largely because of his speaking ability. I even named him as #1 in my Top Ten Communicators of 2006. It’s not about the words – he does have very good speech writers – it’s about the authenticity.
…it is also now apparent that he is too scripted and aloof in formal situations, and halting in the informal situations. Not the great communicator.
… he was, and is, a great orator – but I think the teleprompter is now getting in his way. He has to go to another level. Martin Luther King, JFK, Roosevelt, Clinton and Reagan rarely read from teleprompters – except on formal and State occasions. And their greatest moments were not when they were reading – it was when they were speaking. From the heart. Authentically.”
I think Decker’s observations here concern precisely what you are writing about: the importance of an authentic connection from a communicator.
: :
(2) When I read your chapter, I remembered a wonderful example of connecting. Frank Laubach was a missionary in the Philippines during the 1920′s and 30′s. While living on the island of Mindanao he worked with the Maranao people, but had little success in educating them. Every evening he would climb Signal Hill to be alone with God. He once said, in frustration, “I was up there one night asking God: ‘What can you do for a hateful people like these, murderers, thieves, our enemies, betel-nut chewers, dirty and filthy.’ ”
These are his words of what happened on a December night in 1929 (recounted in Richard Foster’s “Streams of Living Water,” pp. 42-43):
: :
One evening I was sitting on Signal Hill looking over the province that had me beaten. Tip [his dog] had his nose up under my arm trying to lick the tears off my cheeks. My lips began to move and it seemed to me that God was speaking.
“My Child,” my lips said, “you have failed because you do not really love these Moros. You feel superior to them because you are white. If you can forget you are an American and think only how I love them, they will respond.”
I answered back to the sunset, “God, I don’t know whether you spoke to me through my lips, but if you did, it was the truth…. Drive me out of myself and come and take possession of me and think Thy thoughts in my mind….”
My lips spoke to me again: “If you want the Moros to be fair to your religion, be fair to theirs. Study their Koran with them.”
: :
Climbing down Signal Hill, Laubach told some local priests that he wanted to study their Koran. “The next day,” he notes, “they crowded into my little cottage, each with a Koran under his arm. They were bent upon making a Moslem out of me! So we went to work with great zeal.”
: :
The result of Laubach’s decision to connect with the Moros was literally world-changing.
John, I’d like to see you address how to connect when you’re painfully shy. When you’re afraid of people. You want to connect, but you have this mountain of fear in the way.
As for me, the Lord led me to be a Mary Kay beauty consultant. Now I’m being lovingly motivated to approach people and talk to them. It’s still very scary. Uncomfortable for them and me. Which doesn’t help! Thanks for reading. And help!
John – i like your book concept. May i share with you my method of knowing when i am connecting with people. i call it my internal Click-O-Meter. My senses intuitively give me immediate loop feedback on whether i am connecting with someone and whether i want to continue the conversation or relationship. if a person registers high on my Click-O-Meter, then i know that i’m onto something good. I use the same internal measure for connecting in group presentations . the word connect represents a multitude of skill sets, and i am glad to read your first chapter on such a basic yet elusive quality of leadership. Looking forward to chapter 2. Aloha and Mahalo for the preview.
Thanks for the book preview! I am currently reading “Leadership Gold” and loving it!
I love the story about the caps in your brother’s back pocket. I had tears running down my face as I tried to read it to my husband.
A couple of notes – The section on SWA in the paragraph starting “Jay Hall …” should “direction correlation” be “direct correlation”?
The list of High, Average and Low achievers may work better in a table or box with each in a column. It was a bit hard to follow the way it was.
Looking forward to chapter 2!
Hi John,
You’ve heard it said, “The shortest distance between two points is a straight line.” When we genuinely connect with people, we travel at warp speed a direct route to the land of influence and endless possibilities.
Great start! Thank you. I’m also enjoying The 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership. Looking forward to reading chapter 2.
Great chapter! I really like the content and the stories that are used throughout the chapter.
John, Great stuff. I agree. If there are two leaders with similar knowledge, generally the one who can connect will be a more effective leader. A good connector can likely get by with a little less knowledge.
It’s been interesting to watch you transfer your offline brand online and now take a page out of the Naked Conversations book by writing in this way.
It’s inspirational to my upcoming activities.
Even though you are an expert, I think it needs to be softened somewhat in that area in your first chapter. The personal examples of how you improved are good. The fact that you mentioned that your son-in-law learned from you came across somewhat egotistical – even though true.
I do not read the books of one very well-known woman who writes extremely good topics because she goes on so much in her books about how great she is and how her ministry has touched so many people. I just couldn’t “stomach” it to read through her books.
The overall content of the first chapter is very good, and I look forward to reading more.
I haven’t found that to be generally true with your books (and I’ve read a lot of them). Just wanted to point that out in case it’s slipping into your work.
Sincerely,
Polly
John, this is definately the kind of material we need to be able to access in this twenty first century. I just completed a course on transformational leadership, where we looked at the work of past leaders, Fidel Castro, Marcus Garvey, Ghandi, Sam Walton, Jack Welch, Oprah Winfrey, Norman Manley, to name a few and it is their excellent communication skills that made the difference in their individual leadership styles. They were able to connect with their followers. Excellent book! Excellent approach .
Hi John,
Lee and I just retired and moved to Idaho to be near our grandkids. We found Boise to be very friendly. After reading your Chapter I on Connecting I realize it is partly because we totally connect with people—our grandkids, our kids, the grocer, clerks, teachers, etc. To give total 100% attention to another, using their name and having eye contact with a smile brings about a connect. It totally changes the atmosphere.
Jay Hall’s list was true of teachers (I came out of 36 years in that field).
This book is going to be fun and hopefully teach others how to connect and enjoy their life so much more.
God Bless,
Judy and Lee
Way to go John,
You hit the target again. Unless we care about others our life has no meaning. Christ taught us this but we need the reminder daily……..you have given us a good start. Can’t wait for the next chapter.
Great chapter. Thanks!!
Just one thing that may have already been pointed out. To us in the the UK it is particularly off-putting to see a book on communication with such bad grammar in the title!!
It ought to be Everyone Communicates, Few Connect: What the Most Effective People Do DifferentLY
wow this is from the master of leadership himself, the funny thing is that my friend and I have been trying to work connecting with as many people as possible but this chapter has just given it a new meaning, and it is coming at a time when people in our world today feel insecure and need someone they can run to and feel safe and willing to pour out their heart to,
in a world where people need to be reached out to beyond leadership or work place but in their personal lives as well.
i do hope to light my little corner with love starting from now by connecting with someone not for what i can get but for what i can give.
To John Maxwell my distant mentor.
Vixon
Nigeria
So practical and down to earth insights! This is a challenge to me to take relationships to a higher level. These comments are great contributions that I also enjoyed reading. Looking forward to the rest. Thank you John for being a blessing.
John,
I cannot express how much You’ve hit the nail on the head ,for me I grew up in a not so social back ground,yeah I had alot of charisma but I didnt like connecting with people becuse I thought that I would be submitting to them,but
now that i’am finding out for my that pretty much through my entire life I’ve never been able to connect to any one but my family.
I am willing to learn and have many books trying to find the right process or order on how to connect,I’ve been resding some of larry crabs
book “Connecting”. it’s grate and I cant wait for your book to come out soon.
Man, every thing you’ve talked about I’ve experienced so far, I cant wait to move forward.
I cant wait to try some stuff out and I wish There was an exercise to try out after every chapter you publish,I know I would jump right in to do it.
God Bless,
Thank you.
Connection is the key isn’t it! You have captured in chapter 1 precisely the reason why I began MyWiredStyle.com, to help parents connect with their children in their God given strengths. I love the stories you shared from your childhood, it is indeed in those early years, where great connection can really help unleash each of us into a successful future.
Can’t wait to read the rest~
I enjoyed reading the first chapter and found your writing to be crisp and informative. I like the stories, and you are a master storyteller.
You referred to Mr. Bush as President Bush, but you didn’t refer to President Obama as president, nor did you use his first name, Barack, as you did when you mentioned the other presidents. He is the president and deserves to have us address him with his proper title. No matter if we voted or didn’t vote for him.
My feedback is as follows:
The Serenity Prayer has been abreviated and I encourage you to use the whole prayer. I am sure that you have a copy. If you don’t chose to, please put … and a notation that this is not the complete prayer and where the reader can read the entire prayer.. It’s a beautiful prayer in its entirety. I’m sure that Reverend Niebuhr would have liked that. You probably studied his writings, but many have not.
Under the subtitle, “The Courage to Change,” I would suggest reversing the number four and the number three bullets because that order correlates with the prayer.
I enjoyed the story about the CEO of Southwest Airlines. I am flying on that flight to attend the American Association of Christian Counselors. I like their service, too.
The story about Jorge Rodriquez is a keeper and it’s that dry humor, reflects that behavior that is so like us.
I am a person of color and know so well how important it is to help people to see beyond my skin color when it is a barrier for them. I like the quote by Martin Luther King, Jr. (you’ll have to check the accuracy) when he said, “People fear each other because they don’t know each other. They don’t know each other because they have not been properly introduced.” That might be a useful quote for somewhere in your book.
I was energized by reading your first chapter and look forward to reading subsequent ones. I applaud you for asking for people to give you suggestions, etc. You are doing what you are writing about, connecting . You practice what you preach and teach. And someone who asks for evaluations, seeks to be excellent in what he or she is doing for the Lord. May God bless you so you can be a blessing to others.
Whoa! Cant wait to read the next chapter. I’ve read a lot of your books, but this one is want I really truly need. Connecting has always proved to be difficult for me,mostly because i give up on the difficult ones(i mean people) i pray this book will teach me how it’s done. More grace Mr Maxwell. Fasanya Adeola
Nigeria
@Linda G. Smith
It is common to refer to the sitting president without the title “President”. It shows a certain level of endearment.
Hi, Dr. Maxwell, this will be another great book from you. I’ve always being influenced by your books especially those ones that centres on leadership. I know this would also help me to connect more with people. Yemi in NIG
Great book, congratulations!
I want to share next points:
1. Sometimes we thing that increase our influence in others by connecting is only based on benefits we obtain for it, but when we focus also in other’s needs and benefits the results could be amazing.
2. Clearly I agree that all succesfull conections begin witt my own right attitude in life (my family, my work, my friends …). No matter how many problems, dificulties or special situacion in I’m living in, if I have the right-positive attitude to solve and work on them, it will be reflected on the quality of my connections with people; otherlese if I have a negative attitude, I will be reflected in my relations with others. It could be a good test to review us internally to take out: bitterness, anger, lack of forgiveness or anything that could be a barrier between successful connections.
3. I have done a matrix based on the results of Jay Hall correlation between achievement and the ability to care for and connect with people that I want to send just for your review; sometimes when we use diagrams or visual content we can said more than a thousand word. Please let me know an email direction I could send this matrix.
Thanks a lot for this opportunity to read and take in count our comments!
Regards,
Alejandro Pozo from Monterrey, Mexico
John, thank you very much for sharing your book-in-progress. Like all of your other books I’ve read, this chapter has already made a big impact on me. As an introduction to increasing my Connecting skills, I am now committed to having this as a dominant thought process in my interactions with people, and I am really looking forward to getting more nuts & bolts information in the upcoming chapters.
I do have one suggestion for this chapter which might bring more clarity to the section. I am referring to the section where you describe the difference between High, Average, and Low achievers. I thought the points made would be much clearer if they were presented in table format, having the following columns – Low Achiever, Average Achiever, High Achiever. Put the columns in this order, then fill the content with the points you’ve made. The presentation is emphatic, as it stands now, but this may add another degree of clarity.
Thanks again John.
Vision leading toTruth.In the heart brings about connection.A knowing. That is communication to the personal leval!
As I was reading the chapter and came across this paragraph it reminded me of an encounter many years ago.
“How much more healthy would your relationships be if you excelled at connecting? What would your marriage be like? How much happier would your family life be? How much better would you be at getting along with your neighbors if you were able to connect with them?”
I have been married for thirty years this past August 2009. To be married that long and be happy you must learn to connect. One of the lessons I learned about eighteen years ago that improved my marriage was to change how I speak about my wife to others. I used to tell people about her fault. My focus was always there. Then one day a man who had been married for 50 years at the time asked if I wanted to improve my marriage and my relationship with my wife. I ask Stanley what I had to get her to do to make her better. Stanley told me that she was not the problem, I was. He told me that yes she most likely had areas that needed to improve, but I could not change her I could only change me.
He said that the most important thing I could do was change the way I spoke about her. In doing so I would change the way I thought about her and in turn change the way I acted toward her. Well I love my wife very much and wanted a great marriage. So I did as Stanley advised. Things did not change overnight, but the did change.
I can now say that I do not remember the last time I complained to anyone about any of my wife possible faults. I sitting here writing this I would have a difficult time really finding one. No she is not perfect. Close. But not perfect. I just choose to make my connection to her more important that identifying her faults.
Mark
WOW – Number 150 on 09-09-09 from New Zealand! The comments that resonated with me are the following that I agree with or would like to see used somewhere in the book.
37 – Brian – Jesus looked them in the eyes and spoke to the heart
41 – Tamella – Excellent word picture of the different values of our spoken communications.
50 – Candace – The need for greater emphasis on connecting with words and the new use of social media that is a different level.
68 – Doug – Good points at number 4 entry
77 – Tom – good point about the sustainability of political comments as time passes
96 – Shaun
114 – Mark
116 – Carolyn – Katrina Story that will last well as an example of identification and heart connection
117 – Trudy – A powerful story that deserves to fit in somewhere in this book
I would like to see more use of the word Connection and less of the word communication as this is the main point of difference with this book.
I loved the use of personal discoveries and the mentoring of the son-in-law and would personally like the end bit at the beginning of the chapter as it has me wanting to emulate John and his protege.
Could this first chapter be up maybe a little longer so a wider audience can start the journey with you? Even if they can’t comment on the chapter just to give them the background.
Thanks John for opening your draft to the ordinary people – I’m sure the responses will enrich the finished product and widen the audience as more people invest in it’s production.
Look forward to your response to the comments in a blog post sometime.
Hi John, i felt connected to you just by reading this chapter. I love your real life examples, very apt with a tingh of humour. Keep it up, mentor and friend.
Hi John….
I really Love your first chapter. God spoke to me through it. I am student of Communication studies. I found that I very lack to connect with others. I feel not confidence. This year I learned from my failures.
I promise I will overcome the ‘giant’.
Hi Dr. John Maxwell’s team , I am from Mérida – Venezuela, it’s very exciting be able to contribute to the development of this book. I think that the communication has to see with the way in which we communicate to ourselves with our parents and the way in which they were communicating with others. It would be interesting that it was possible to speak a bit about this. We copy what we see to do them. There is necessary a process of renovation of the way in which we see the communication. The communication they are bridges that are established and that are fortifying as they travel.
It might comment of the different ways in which communicate the persons of different countries.
I think that you might speak a bit about the conflicts that you have found to communicate with persons of other countries.
I’m not here to advice, but to tell u that u’ve lived your book by opening it for people to edit- basically i’m saying, good job connecting!
Loved the first chapter, already feeling a perspective change, waiting for the next chapter.
Sincere question, if you let people read the book here, wud they want to buy it wen its out? God bless you anyway
Love from India.
Shyju
I once spoke with a legislator from Arkansas during the Whitewater scandal involving the Clintons. He told me Bill Clinton would never be connected to wrong-doing involving the pursuit of money. He commented that money didn’t matter that much to President Clinton and that he was much more concerned that people like and support him. He continued, “If President Clinton walked into a room of 500 people and there was one person who did not like him, that is who he would immediately seek out in an effort to connect with and “win over” that person.”
While I did not respect President Clinton for much of who he was, he did understand the importance of connection. It paved his way for political success and kept him surrounded by supporters even during times of personal and political upheaval.
There’s an old saying that, “It’s a lot easier to hate someone you don’t know.” It’s all about connection.
John,
I’m glad you posted the reminder on Twitter this morning, great chapter with a practical application for everyone, especially those of us in a sales environment.
To connect is to join, but to make a connection there has to be rapport as defined in Webster. This is what I try to help our sales force to see as their role in transitioning a lead into a prospect, a prospect into a customer, and a customer into a client. It is those connected clients who become our greatest advocates we have to help grow our business. And if an investment in connecting yields dividends of multiplicity in your professional life, think of what you will gain by making a similar investment in connecting with your family, friends, and where you serve in your personal life.
Thanks for the preview of the new book!
@TomMartinATL
John,
I’m glad you posted the reminder on Twitter this morning, great chapter with a practical application for everyone, especially those of us in a sales environment.
To connect is to join, but to make a connection there has to be rapport as defined in Webster. This is what I try to help our sales force to see as their role in transitioning a lead into a prospect, a prospect into a customer, and a customer into a client. It is those connected clients who become our greatest advocates we have to help grow our business. And if an investment in connecting yields dividends of multiplicity in your professional life, think of what you will gain by making a similar investment in connecting with your family, friends, and where you serve in your personal life.
Thanks for the preview of the new book!
@TomMartinATL
For me connecting with people is something that I’ve kinda figured out as I’ve watched real “Pro connectors” at work.
One of the greatest tools I’ve found to be effective in connecting with people, is affirmation.
As soon as people feel like they are important to me and that I value their opinion, the door to communication is open.
I guess the second tool I use is asking questions or discussing topics that effect them on a regular basis.
This helps them to feel like I know where they’re coming from and can understand their situation.
I usually try to use different type of phrasing too depending on what age group I’m with.
If I’m talking to young people, I’ll throw tons of slang and movie quotes into conversation. If I’m talking to adults or elderly, I’ll use more proper English and make reference to things that influence their generation.
aloha!
loved this first chapter, definitely has me impatient for the rest to come out! thank you for sharing your experience, insights, and wisdom with so many, you are a godsend to leaders everywhere, and their followers even more so. mahalo,
kiera Roberto
Dr. Maxwell, there is something different about your writing style in this first chapter. It could be that you have connected with the topic that is your complete strength (ala Marcus Buckingham). I read and felt things about you I have not picked up in some of your previous works. I really connected with this material and look forward to more.
The piece on Herb Kelleher certainly points to a true connector. In 2001 at a conference in San Francisco, Herb was scheduled as our luncheon speaker. A group of my colleagues and I decided to get together an hour before lunch was scheduled to begin to sit and catch up with one another. As our group talked, I noticed Herb walk in with a small entourage.
“Herb,” I shouted across the extremely large and empty ballroom, “come on over and join us!” And, to our surprise, he did.
For the next ten minutes Herb Kelleher was the center of the universe. He joked with us, made us laugh and asked us each our name. He wanted to know who had flown on a Southwest flight and what each person thought of the experience. I asked if it was true he actually helped out on the flights and he stated he had just handed out peanuts that morning.
When I told Herb my sister had literally just booked her first flight on Southwest out of Baltimore he asked me to convey the message to her that she should never fly another airline again. At that point I dialed her number, handed him the cell phone and said, “You tell her.” And he did. He left her a voicemail message threatening to have her hunted down if she ever flew another airline again. Our group howled with laughter. My sister erased the message thinking it was a madman. Then she listened to my message telling her not to erase the previous message.
Herb Kelleher could have continued to walk by us to do his sound check and then enjoyed a meal before his speech. Instead he stopped, took the time and connected with every single person in that group.
Being a connector comes with responsibility to connect even when you don’t feel like it or have the time. Herb proved that.
My brother-in-law, Don, met Bill Clinton after he left office. He was told to stand in a certain spot at a small airport and wait for Clinton to make the short walk from the SUV he was to get out of onto a private jet. When the moment came Clinton stopped, shook Don’s hand while gripping his elbow and looked him straight in the eye asking him his name and how he was doing. After a chatting for a few seconds, he turned Don and took a picture with him. He then shook his hand again and was on the plane. Don will never forget that moment of connection.
Finally, I am a big fan of late night TV and my wife Nancy and I have had the chance to see both Jay Leno and David Letterman in their studios. I enjoy them both for different reasons, but I feel connected to Leno. He roamed the audience and answered questions. When I asked to take a picture and aimed the camera at him, he pulled the camera from my hands and handed it to the guy sitting next to us instructing him to take a picture of Nancy, Jay and me. That is a connection.
This might become your greatest work. This electronic world is disconnecting us. I am glad you are doing something about it. As always, thank you.
Hi John,
We already miss you here in PARAGUAY, had a great time and hope you did as well.
I am really like your new book. This first chapter has some great practical applications. I really look forward to this book. God bless
John:
Looks excellent to me !!!
Thank you for letting us review part of your new book.
Looking forward to read the book 100 %
Exito!!!
God Bless
Hi John–What a great topic to write on! I’ve been reading your work for over 15 years and recommend you often. I read this chapter with delight. I have 3 main comments:
1. In the following paragraph, you use “or” too many times. Perhaps you could use “perhaps” or “maybe” part of the time. Great ideas, though.
“Have you ever experienced similar things? Maybe you are the most skilled person in an area at work, yet you fail to receive the assignment? Or you work hard and produce, but others don’t seem to appreciate what you do. Or maybe you desire to build relationships with the people around you, but they don’t seem to listen to you the way they do to others. Or you want to create an effective team—or just become part of a good team—but you are made to feel like an outsider. What’s the problem? It’s connection. To succeed with other people, you need to be able to connect.”
2. Your illustration regarding high achievers vs low/average achievers reminds me of James O’Toole’s book, Leading Change: An Argument for Values-Based Leadership. His conclusion and the direction you are going seem similar.
3. I agree with one comment above about GW Bush’s connection with the American people regarding national security and “keeping the war over there.” It was critical. I feel you might be a bit hard on so recent and earnest a President. Back off a little, or you may alienate your conservative audience. He did struggle with connecting, and it’s sad; however, he connected well enough to win re-election and should be given his due.
Can’t wait for the next chapter. I’ll reread this one once more before the 14th. And I’ll recommend participation by several other leaders in our community. Thanks for this opportunity to share in your work.
John,
I am so glad you are writing a book about this subject matter because I cannot agree more that connecting is the key to communication, in fact the key to success. I have experienced this throughout my military career.
I am a woman in the military and many times people look at gender and rank before they listen to what you have to say. It’s unfortunate but it happens every day.
Early in my career and before I even joined the Coast Guard almost 6 years ago I discovered the desire people share to connect with others. You stated in your book , “People are hungry to connect, and most will do anything they can to feel connected.”
Today I am experiencing huge success due to the fact that I genuinely desire to connect with everyone I meet. The audience is always there in every situation you just have to take the time to value everyone you meet. In the military many people miss valuable life lessons to be learned from others because of rank. I have a strict rule to treat everyone exactly the same no matter if they are an Admiral or a non-Petty Officer. Because of this rule I constantly connect with people throughout the Coast Guard, many times over just a phone conversation.
I have realized that in order to be a great leader and communicator I must strive to care about everyone I work with, for, and encounter.
Thank you for your time. I am honored to share my thoughts with you. Looking forward to Chapter 2.
John, another great book in the works. Like all your books, you connect well with your reader on a personal level.
The concept of connecting can also be applied to organizations as they seek to connect with Customers, Employees, Owners and Significant others (as Ken Blanchard refers to these as C.E.O.S. in his book Managing by Values). In the section ‘It can make or break you’ you provide some great examples by referencing US presidents. It would be nice to include a comparison of successful and defunct organizations and how their ability to connect made a difference.
And in the section ‘It starts with your attitude’ you reference a terrific example with Southwest Airlines. Some firms like Southwest have figured out how to incorporate their unique differentiation into their core values. It would be great to highlight the need for organizations to including connecting as a core value, in a way that supports their differentiation.
Thanks for sharing and your leadership.
Robert
John:
Looks excellent to me !!!
Thank you for letting us review part of your new book.
Looking forward to read the book 100 %
Exito!!!
God Bless…
Great first chapter. I have a thought on the statement “His inability to connect alienated people before his performance as president did.” I believe it goes further – that the inability to connect made his performance a non-issue. Because of the failure to connect, there is not anything that President Bush could do right in the eyes of many. (I do believe that many connected to President Bush). Failure to connect can negate any positive performance and magnify any mistakes. I contrast Bush with Obama – Obama is regarded as a good communicator, but for many, there is a lack of trust because he is too smooth and polished – and therefore a failure to connect, despite his skill.
I started the chapter with great hope; but I found that the examples/stories, especially the ones towards the end of the chapter, did not “connect” or resonate with me. I felt as if another sentence or two, explaining the relevance of the stories and examples, fleshing them out, would help me remain engaged with the book.
I’m hoping a later chapter will deal more specifically with social networking. Social networking really points out our need for connection as well as some limitiations of electronic media to meet these needs.
Finally, I have to agree withe Debbie’s comment on this page: Obama is too smooth and polished in many ways for older generations (I’m Gen X) leading to distrust in the “used car salesman” sense. Younger generations, who are more in tune with Obama’s social media communication style, do not seem to have this innate distrust.
This was great. Like Marie, I found that some of the latter examples/stories did not connect as well with me (ie. the Herb Kelleher story and the Steve story). Calling someone by name is the start to connecting, for sure. The Rodriguez story was funny…predictable, but very funny.
I loved it, really. I’d like to see a section or chapter on connecting at home. Communication at home continues to be a big problem, and connecting there, with our spouse and children, is vital. Am looking forward to more.
I really enjoyed getting this glimpse into your book, and my interest is definitely piqued to continue reading as the chapters are posted.
I did have one part that made me shift uncomfortably in my seat. The Clinton, Bush and Obama comparisons just didn’t do it for me at all. I know that books are supposed to be timeless, but I think this part of history is just too fresh, and partisanship over the differences in Bush/Obama just too great right now for these types of statements. What you said regarding their ability (or lack thereof) to connect with others simply put me in defense mode and disconnected me from the points you were trying to make. Maybe after Obama has served his term(s), we can look back on history and more accurately assess his connecting ability and the successes resulting from that ability. Also, if you’re going to criticize Bush’s lack of communication skills, at least give him some credit for things he did well behind the scenes. Maybe take it from the perspective of good intentions, good ideas, but couldn’t get buy-in due to his inability to connect. Your words pretty much tell me you think he was a failure as president, and Obama is America’s answer. I’m pretty sure this was not the slant you wanted to take, but that is how it comes across in the wording.
Thanks for the opportunity to provide input. Looking forward to chapter 2.
John, you are the Guru of Leadership. I agree and can’t wait for 2nd chapter, thanx for sharing.
The cement that is keeping this world together is the relationship we have with others, and the first step is to connect to build the relationship.
And, approximately, the distance between the mind and the heart is 18 inches! It is true that the shortest distance could be when it is from heart to mind, while the longest distance one can ever travel is from the mind to the heart and is perhaps hardest journey for any marketer.
In your example of “Jay Hall of the consulting firm Teleometrics” clearly illustrates that to connect with people is to touch their hearts first before their minds.
BTW, I agree with your assessment of Bush and Obama!
John, You have a way in getting across your message. This is an interesting read. I feel I have to start communicating all over again, so I may connect.
John, you reminded me that communication does not necessarily mean connection. As a pastor, I realize that besides proclaiming theological truth to the people I need to connect with their hearts. Connecting with others lets them know that they are important and valuable.
I agree with your assessments for Bush, Clinton, and Obama. Though when Bush was running against Kerry, I think he was able to connect with people better. During the election one of the malor networks remarked that Kerry comes across just as a politician and people feel more drawn to Bush for he seems to be the guy you would invite for “backyard grilling.”
Thank you for inspiring me. Looking forward to chapter 2.
I am so excited for the release of this book! Working with volunteer teams in the area of Guest Relations and First Impressions, connecting with others is vital. Oh to be able to teach this to others… Everyone wants to connect with others, but so many have difficutly. I think the bottom line in this is that you have to genuinely care about people and you have to be able to exhibit that in you thoughts, your words and your actions. This means taking time…slow down…stop… and really listen and feel what others are feeling. Everyone wants to know that someone cares about them.
Under It Can Make Or Break You…
Last sentance about the President (which is so true as much as I admire the man) does not flow well with the rest of the paragraph… I had to read it several times…its missing a word or could be reworded…
“His inability to connect alienated people before his performance as president did.”
Lastly – when I was a litte girl, we moved to Key West, FLA. I used to pick, pick up, find, etc. coconuts and sell them to the tourists for a dollar. I would show them how to peel them and how to open up the coconut and get out the milk…I had a blast and connected with everyone of them…I reminded them of their grandchild, plus I was motivated by the thrill of the sale, and I loved showing people how to maneuver a coconut. Charisma, energy, level of trust, but I also knew my audience…I was quite successful…and reaped more than just the dollar…I made new friends.
Thanks John! I look forward to chapter 2
John,
This is my 2nd comment…..My first was about a week ago (#92)……Just read an article on Obama calling on Americans to “renew our common purpose”, http://www.nytimes.com/2009/09/12/us/politics/12obama.html?ref=politics, which clearly demonstrates he is a gifted communicator. Now, some may question his authenticity, however, that just goes to show you, you can’t please all the people all the time. I was aware of his power to communicate and connect during his Presidential campaign. Same thing with Arnold Schwarzenegger before he was elected Governor. I didn’t intend on bringing Bernie Madoff’s name to this topic, however, he’s an example of someone being a gifted communicator who abused people, and the system too.
When I graduated from college, and had been looking for that “ideal” job for a few months, and coming up short, I took a Dale Carnegie communication course. I figured I could use all the help I could get, however, I didn’t realize how much more confident I grew as a result of speaking in front of people…..I recently read Warren Buffet enrolled in a Dale Carnegie course after he graduated too. He said, “not to prevent my knees from knocking when public speaking but to do public speaking while my knees were knocking”,” Warren Buffett Speaks”, Janet Lowe. I always knew I had something in common with Warren Buffet, and it’s not in the bank……..yet!
Everyone communicates on a different level, and also at a different level, and today, there numerous ways people can communicate and connect in our fast paced, technology driven, ever-changing, multi-cultured society, as well as numerous ways to communicate and not connect. However, I think it’s the individual who treats others as equals, or with respect, doesn’t talk down to anyone, doesn’t attach any unnecessary baggage to the communication, and doesn’t “sweat the small stuff”, who can make a connection, whether it’s personal, or business, one on one, with a group, or in a presentation. For lack of another description, I’ll just call it a win-win situation. It’s the difference between a low achiever and a high achiever.
Regarding Obama’s call on American’s to “renew our common purpose”, after speaking, “he stepped out into the crowd to shake hands, growing soaked without an umbrella in the pouring rain”……….Some may not think that’s a big deal, however, to me, it speaks volumes about his character, which may not be one of the 5 skills or qualities of successful presidents, however, it shows his charisma and his ability to connect.
John,
This is very powerful and effective! What you write about is so true and kept me “connected” the entire time I was reading it. I can relate to all you mentioned and understand that many of us fail to connect even though we communicate.
Thanks so much for sharing! This only confirms that you truly care about our feedback…..I appreciate it!
I think the simile that captures the value of connecting is the part that
Compares lack of communication skills to a nuclear power plant disconnected from the grid: you’ll have incredible resources and potential, but you will never be able to put them to use! Although a little long, I think this first chapter fittingly demonstrates the essential nature of this topic. Thanks for the opportunity to share
Thank you for speaking to one of our greatest needs/desires. There are many books available that address the technical aspects of communication; this chapter reaches into the heart of the subject. It invites you to examine yourself and make decisions, then promises to offer practical solutions in subsequent chapters.
As a mother of seven children, connecting is key to my children’s future. If we, as parents, fail to connect with our children, we have no ability to influence their lives and decisions. The next generation needs parents, grandparents, and other adults to make the effort and sacrifice of connecting. We have found that joining our children in their world is essential. We have them as ‘friends’ on Facebook. One of my favorites is texting. We can share important thoughts, sympathy, encouragement, etc. in a room full of people or across the miles.
I enjoyed your personal stories and examples. They helped me to relate your material to my own life and gave me a starting place to examine myself.
Looking forward to the next chapter and the changes in my life as I begin to deliberately choose to connect.
Blessings!
One editorial item: There is an extra ‘that’ in the first paragraph, second line after the heading “Connecting Is Key”.
John,
Your book are always uplifting and filled with tactical steps to improve. The first chapter on connecting is one that everyone should make a higher priority. I have felt both insecure and secure in come relationships in business and the deciding factor always came down to the connection and my investment in the relationship.
AWESOME!!! I met you at Granite Bay CA church for Pastors, still a big fan, God used words to connect with us & the word is active, living, the right words that is. You have a gift that has helped me connect with people, rapport is the key, people open up to people that they feel care. The old saying, nobody cares how much you know til they know how much you care. A JM classic.
Great job John. I will be looking forward to reading the rest. The life examples are relatable. Can’t wait for more….
John,
I’d love to hear more, in this chapter or another one, how to connect in but not become absorbed into a “good ol’ boy network.”
The primary reason is that I’ve noticed, even within the church, that there are a variety of closed networks that seem to ignore those outside of themselves. While connecting with those that you can help and they in turn reciprocate back is useful, dealing with these more closed networks is frustrating and leaves me feeling “dirty.”
Great job as always, and thanks for utilizing community feedback for your book!
Awesome! Dr. Maxwell, thank you for sharing your next book with us. I totally agree that we have to be great at connecting in order to be effective communicators. I can not wait for the 2nd chapter. May God bless you as you encourage and inspire God’s people to become the leaders he intended us to be.
John,
Great chapter. Again, thanks for letting me be on your team back from 1999 to 2001. I saw you connect then and appreciate your leadership and vision.
A typo was mentioned earlier in the section “It starts with your attitude” The words “direction correlation” should be “direct correlation.”
Great job and I look forward to connecting over the rest of the book.
I truly agree with your concept idea that communication and connection do sync together. The connection piece is the part where we influence or redirect what we are trying to communicate. Body language communication is a big indicator how we convey our message to the party we are attempting to connect with. How we represent ourselves in the communicatioin can persuade the hearer and make a long lasting relationship or it can terminate what ever it is you are attempting to communicate. It is as almost if you need to go to school and learn how to communicate. It is better to just say what is in your heart and the connection will take root. I hear wonderful speakers all the time but sometimes if does not come from the heart– it is not going to connect with my heart. Connection is an important piece of human survival. Connecting with people you don’t know to complete a big project takes faith, and assurance of your gift of communicatiion.
Good stuff. I hope you will talk about the part that discernment (as a gift of the Spirit) plays in connection. If we approach a situation/relationship with an adgenda that prevents discernment, we will find it hard to connect. Obedience and openness strengthen our capacity to connect with others. I admire your work. Keep it up. It helps us.
Whow! Yes that is the word that I feel should be used for this first chapter. This chapter makes you look at the man in the mirror, which is yourself. If you think you communicate well just reading this chapter it will have you rethinking your skills. I now see that communicating and connecting aren’t the same. I’m so looking forward to chapter II. Mr. Maxwell you continue to bless us all, thank you!
Hey John,
Enjoyed the chapter. One thing I’ve always wanted due to the rich applicable content in your books, is having somewhere to write. Maybe a lined right margin or lined noted area at the end of each chapter after you share a summary of the key points. Just a thought! LOL
Great 1st chapter. You have hit another button – communication. You have bless my life form my 1st leadership conference I attended in Texas in the mid-90′s. Can’t wait for the rest of the book. My feedback would be if we can grade our current President on his true effectiveness since we are so early in this term. Yes, without a doubt during the race, his communication level was greater than his opponent, but up against past Presidents it may be dating the book the as the chapters in his presidency are yet unwritten.
I think putting your chapters up for people to read and comment on is a brilliant idea. As someone who is very shy by nature, but constantly working on myself to improve my communication skills, I find this very valuable. Chapter 1 was great! I am looking forward to the rest. I’m hoping you will include a part of your book on ‘keeping your connections’
-Fradel Barber
I think that this is a great book so far and much needed!
There was something you said that caught my attention. You said that we can overcome many of these things by “making connecting choices”
I love this statement because I think that’s what it all comes down to. I don’t know if that’s how you meant it but I feel that in order to connect with people, for many of us it doesn’t come naturally. We have to make a conscious decision to connect with the people around us.
Whether it is because of our fears, insecurities or feelings of inadaquacy, many times we just let things be the way they are never seeing any type of change. But if we began to make a conscious decision, and choose to connect with people then we will be able to see change! Not only in our life but in the lives of everyone that we interact with!
Hi, I reread this today and am looking forward to not only reading this for myself but to pass onto my sales field. I run a direct selling business that thrives on people connecting that is what networkers / direct sellers do and this will help them do it better and quicker. My dad, our founder, Dick L oehr was the best connector he made everyone he met feel important and he connected with them. I think it’s because he truly valued them as a person and that is important when connecting. When he passed away it was clear he connected at all levels. A grocery checkout gal in south florida got teary eyed when my mom and I were there a couple weeks after his passing without him, the guys who cleaned his car stopped by for a monthly cleaning and lost their breath when we shared he passed away and the list goes on on …a connector is missed by all. I strive to connect everday b/c it’s importan, it matters and that’s what my dad taught me. Thanks again for doing this! god bless
This was very thought provoking. After reading this, I discovered that I dont always connect with people. Your example of the pilots and your son in law Steve, allowed me to see that connection is not difficult. I also though about a friend of mine who is a great connector and she doesnt even know it. She can talk to anyone no matter what the situation. I am excited about this new book and cant wait to read the next chapter. Thanks sharing this most important information.
The very thing I need most. Thank you for writing it, and sharing that you struggled with this early in life.
I will be looking forward to reading the rest. The life examples are relatable. Can’t wait for more….
Hi John
I found myself nodding along to this. As a 40 year old Australian I enjoyed the references to the US Presidents. You may consider including some other international figures who were able to connect, like Princess Diana (as compared to Prince Charles).
Overall I found the piece light and readable while tackling a giant issue.
A highlight statement for the back cover:
“The ability to connect with others begins with understanding the value of people.” Just about says it all!
Thanks for the chance to comment.
I am speaking at my first big event this month.. http://www.sisters4life.info and I would love to be confident that I am going to make that audience connection. I am hanging on every word….come on Chapter 2
Connection indeed takes time. Often in the rat race, leaders of position doesn’t care about the value of time and hence pushes everyone till the objective becomes one that that is connected with the pusher.
This in itself is the beginning of a falling and failing organisation. Everyhting indeed rises and falls on leadership.
The one who is connected with the people succeed because they understand the function and time required to fulfill any organisational goal together through achievements of individual task.
1. I think the Bush and Obama comments/ comparisons are going to be interpreted based on personal bias (people seek out information that supports their opinions/ beliefs not questions them) so I’m not sure you can win with including those presidents as examples.
2. Is this a typo in the Reagan section? I seems like the quote is missing better off NOW…
“Many remember his closing remarks in which he asked people, “Are you better off than you were four years ago?” Reagan told his audience”
3. For me, the Steve story felt flat.
4. I would’ve liked to see your definition of connecting earlier in the section.
Thanks for sharing!